Its all about me...screw everyone else..

updated pics..

2007-06-13T17:17:00.000-04:00

heres some pics of me with my new hair and thinness...lol

and bc i cant help it..heres a fat pic of jim..hehe

and so it goes

2007-06-13T16:36:00.000-04:00

ok so i have a little time right now so let me do the summary of all that happened. ok so jims mom kicked me out and i went and stayed with my friend randi for awhile. then when i was sitting there watching tv he came bursting through the door. i was in shock for a second and then i got all excited jumped up and ran to him kissing him and squeezing him and being soooo happy that the day had finally come. and he said its not good. i didnt know what that meant and he then informed me that we were through. i was in total shock. i just stared at him trying to understand like he was speaking german to me. and then finally it hit me and i fell to the ground and cried and cried. i was sooooo upset. i begged him to change his mind and to reconsider but he wasnt hearing it. apparently he had been home for a week before he even told me he was home. and apparently his cunt mother had told him a whole bunch of lies of course which he beleived. something about me having all these guys over the house. and stupid shit like that. i bout died inside. i felt dead. and empty. nothing i said made any difference to him at all. i think had it not been for austin or my sister...i wouldve jumped off a damn bridge..and it was close even still. he said he had also heard that i cheated on him which was not true at all. you all know how i was about jim. then as i was moving things out of the house i learned a few more things. i learned that he didnt have to go to iraq he VOLUNTEERED to go. which killed me all over again. i think had he not gone away everything would have been fine. then he told me he cheated on me 3 times. one with that whore who i was stressing about before if you can remember. that put me over the edge. i fucked him up. made him bleed. then come to find out he moved that whore....danielle into MY house. and then again later i found out that he got her pregnant and he gave her a ring. i just recently found the pictures of the brand new baby they have. it is a beautiful baby and goddamn it broke my heart to see this bitch having MY life..the life i was supposed to have. its been almost a year and im still not over it. i have NOT dated bc i dont think i can..and really i dont want to. noone will ever be what jim was to me. im better then i was in the beginning...but still not healed by far. the good thing is that i lost weight....he got fat. haha fat bastard. he did cheat on her with me a few times. back when i was still vulnerable and thought maybe i could get him back. but now i live in nj im kinda happy here...and not so much at the same time. i think about jim all the time. more so now that i keep seeing all these pictures of his happy life without me. i work at ups where i get asked out every day...but i just cant do it. id rather be alone then to ever love somoene like i did him and then to feel the way i did after....and sooooo yea...thats what happened.

i do beleive i will be blogging again bc there isnt anywhere else really i can put all my thoughts out there. so we will all have to play catch up

its been awhile

2007-06-11T19:02:00.001-04:00

Almost a year to be exact. so much to tell and i dont have much time now...but yea...jim came home and he dumped me. fucked me up for a long time. sooooo much has changed since then and i will definitely update better and come see all my old pals soon!! got some new pics as well

yayyy

2006-06-19T15:12:00.000-04:00

dont have alot of time to write this...but heres a quick rundown....jims mom is a bitch. she took away my comp and kicked me out of the house..but i have good reason to beleive that he is on his way home....and i couldnt be happeir..alot is about to go down..bc if he comes home and doesnt have a talk with his mom i will be moving to nj!

hope you all are ok...and i miss you all..but im on a library comp and they are kicking me off!

goodbye

2006-04-22T16:50:00.000-04:00

hi all...i have decided i am done blogging...i have alot going on and i just dont have the time or interest in blogging...i do have a myspace account which you will find me out if you want to still chat with me...but otherwise i am done. i may be back along the way...but right now im done

i love you all and wish you all well. i thank you all for your kind words and advice and your strength and thoughts......

take care

im not dead...lol

2006-04-15T08:34:00.000-04:00

sorry peeps..dont have much to write about lately...i kinda do now..but im lazy and had 3 hours of sleep...so here is a picture post

me and austin had a silly day

some natural beauty for those of you that like it..it scares me...lol

freshly dyed hair

intoxicated

piggies

me and my bestest friend chris

and thats about it..i promise i will do a real post soon

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!

oh and i cant remember if i posted this before or not....but here is my myspace addy...come and be my friend. im there alot more then here

http://www.myspace.com/jimmysgirl8280

wasssuupppp

2006-04-02T10:02:00.000-04:00

well i guess its about due time to update...not that much is going on to speak of. gio was supposed to come down this weekend..but didnt and we got into a huge fight about it. whatever..i dont even care. i heard on the radio last week them saying 2000 pa guardsmen coming home in june as scheduled..which i beleive means jim. so that made me happy. havent spoken to the parents in weeks..which makes me verrryyyyyy happy. and yea thats about it.

its a beautiful day out and im gonna go frolick...but i figured first i would show you all an intoxicated picture..bc its funny.lol

another weekend ends

2006-03-20T18:19:00.000-05:00

hello all. hope you all had a nice drunken st pattys day. i did. haha. my friend gio from nj came down and we went out to the bar for some st. pattys drinking. although i forgot to drink something green..dammit.lol shows how lit i was to start with.lol it was an interesting time. we went to the local hillbilly bar to meet up with the work people and had a decent time. except the ex showed up. some of you know who i mean when i say i saw jeff there. sighhhhhh..i was like dammit all to hell. so i tried my best to pretend he wasnt there. but he is like 6ft or over. so he towered over everyone and was hard to miss. gio said he kept looking at me all night. i bet he was..hahaha he was even standing right next to me at one point. sighhhh. gio was flirting with the bartender. who ended up coming here the next night. after iiiiiiiii had to talk to him all night bc she was scurt. which i have never seen her shy before so this was a weird thing to me. but anyway, on saturday my other friends frank and ed came as well. and we spent almost all day being intoxicated...lol to the point i had to get a nap in to reenergize and be able to go out that night as well. it was alot of fun. i miss these people sooooooo much. jim better appreciate all this bc i really hate it here and would rather be in jersey with all the poeple who are just like me. and understand me..sighh

he has moved to a new shift and i wont be able to talk to him except on the weekends. not that i talk to him alot anyway. but he has been doing a little better later with getting on here to talk to me. but it still sucks. i miss him alot.

and i leave you with a few pics...bc i know you love them

In Loving Memory Of...

2006-03-14T20:07:00.000-05:00

In loving memory of my mom..Tracy A....i want to dedicate tomorrow as a moment of silence kind of day. 4 years ago tomorrow was the most god awful day ever. The day my mom passed on. I cried..and drank...then cried...and drank some more. I was lucky to have jim with me at the time. Or dont know how i would have gotten through the day. I remember it all like it was just yesterday. My gramma called me and told me that the doctors were saying that we needed to go there and see her while we could. they said this alot so i never beleived it. and just wrote it off as crap. the last time they said that i went and it was the most horrifying experience ever. she was all sickly and yellow and just awful looking. it was sad and scary and everything it wasnt supposed to be. i wanted to be anywhere but that room. she was covered in bruises from all the needles she had to get. her eyes were yellow and she was too thin. and i said i would never go again. and i wasnt going to. then jim told me we were going..and said he would be there with me. so i said ok. he had to work the next day so while he was working i was gonna pack our stuff up and make sandwiches for the drive. i woke up and went to ask my gramma what time the store opened and she said that my mom had passed during the night. i was in shock. i went upstairs and got dressed and then told my gramma i was going to the store. i got a phone card and called jim and told him what happened and he said he would leave work and hurry home. i cried for hours. i didnt think of my gramma who mustve been equally as sad...but i left my son with her. and i just cried. cried bc she was really gone..and cried bc i was too selfish to go see her sooner and cried bc she would miss me getting married and miss austin growing up..i just cried. then jim got home and held me as i cried some more. i called the guy my mom was living with and some drunken psycho woman answered and yelled at me..which made it all worse. the trip there sucked..and i cried all weekend. and you ever notice when you are really sad all the saddest damn movies come on? i watched sweet november and my girl and fucking bawled my eyeballs out. it was a rough weekend. but the worse part was seeing my sister...then 13 and not being allowed to tell her what happened. bc my stepdad wouldnt allow it. he wanted to tell her as he took her to a parade in nyc.

anyway....i dont go and visit her. i drive past the cemetery all the time and i blow kisses but i never stop. maybe 3 times have i been there. it makes me feel guilty when i dont stop..but i feel guilty all the time. i guess i never really embraced the fact that she isnt here. like its all a bad dream. and shes just on vacation somewhere where i cant call her. i miss her everyday and always wish i could call and talk to her...but i cant. and it sucks to be alone when this day comes bc then i think and i get feeling ashamed of myself and my selfish actions. but i know that at least the last time when i talked to her it was a good talk. i told her about how i thought jim was the special one for me..and she was soo happy for me that i found love. and that was the last talk we ever had.

so R.I.P. mom....here is a moment of silence for you. we love you and miss you

shes the one in the middle

im on the right and my sissy in the middle

sighhh...i miss you

a dead end night

2006-03-12T09:15:00.000-05:00

ok so friday i was going to go out. it had been planned all week long..bc a bunch of people from work were going. and i needed to get out so i said i would go. and of course you know me going out requires my sidekick randi. well she is now my former sidekick. i will not be asking her to go anywhere anymore. so i go to her house and finish the getting ready process. which consisted of straightening my hair.

you cant tell but its all curly like..to this

so around 10 30 we went to the hillbilly bar.the same one we have been going to for years now. you know so we all know what to expect when we get here. alot of bad kareoke and some toothless hillbillies. and i was ok with that...bc i know better then to think that we will go anywhere fun around here. bc there is nowhere fun to go. unless you wanna drive far. which i am up for..but everywhere fun to randi is a hike. now if it is fuin i think it is worth it..nooooo not her. so whatever we are here. and im gonna try and make the best of the night. the people from my work show up and they are all liquored up. they have all been drinking since work ended at 3 30.lol.

so it got to be like 12 30am..and randi started bitching. she wasnt having fun, she wanted to go home..blah blah blah...actually i guess it was like 12 when she started whining. she wanted to dance and joe..the dj guy..wasnt playing dance music..blah blah blah. and so i got pissed and said well ran..its not like you didnt know this was gonna happen. and yea...so she dragged my ass out and made me leave. i was sooo fucking pissed off. i didnt speak to her the whole drive home. the first time we go out in over a month and she made me leave at friggin 12 30..there was another hour and half before the place closed. it makes me mad that she knows how it is there but insists on going. had i known she was gonna bail i wouldve driven my damn self. and what makes me even madder is that she wont even try to go somewhere else where i know she would have a ton of fun bc it is too far for her. that just kills me. noone wants to drive far..but if its fun it seems worth it to me. whatever..so im not going anywhere with her anymore.

my friends from nj are coming next weekend. my friend gio and my friends frank and eddie. im really excited bc i havent seen frank since i left nj. he was my bestest friend. i love him. its funny bc we got into a tiff when i was there bc he was dating some girl and bc of her he didnt have time for me. so we ended on bad terms sort of. and then i found him again and thought maybe it would be weird talking to him..but its like we were never apart. so im really excited for this. yayyy...and of course gio too bc i love her. there is talk of going to baltimore or philly to party. and i am sooooo excited.

and thats all there is for now

a little bit jersey

2006-03-06T19:31:00.000-05:00

well i actually have something to write about. yayyy..lol first off i would like to thank all of you who complimented me on my scary picture. and even with all of you saying that...i cannot live by my natural beauty bc it scares me.lol

anyway, so some things have changed in the work scene. the crabby old lady threw a friggin fit on friday and quit. the meadow has retuned.lol she got in a big tizzy and then just up and quit. so everyone is much happier now that her miserable ass is gone. this now means i can listen to my radio playing my music as loud as i want. yayyyy...but it means i have to do the harder job now and the new girl gets to do my old job. not so yay. but whatever.

friday i came home and got ready for the exciting weekend to come. let me tell you how i ate ALOT this weekend. i will not go into detail how much i ate..but damn it was alot. she brought me bagels from jersey...mmmmmm...bagels. and i ate a good bit of that. and then we went to breakfast and ordered out a few times..and we rented a movie and drank jolt and ate fun dip..lmao and remisnisced. god i love her. and the baby isssss soooooooooooooo cute!! i love babies. i guess maybe i didnt have a lot to tell. lol..but here is an intoxicated pic of me and her...im sure you will all get a good laugh out of it! :)

notice my natural beauty isnt so beautiful in this picture..lol

GRRRRRRRR

2006-03-02T20:13:00.000-05:00

im telling you if i can survive the next few months without killing that damn bitch i will be shocked. so..she calls today and asks me if i talked to jim. so we talk about him for a few minutes. then she goes....so i came to the house on turesday. and i just say okkkkk..and she goes..it looks good. im thinking it better fucking look good. took me four fucking days to do what she wanted. but i say yay. and then she goes...do you wanna know what you missed. and im thinking are you fucking kidding me? what could i have possibly missed. well i didnt scrub down the doors. who the fuck does that? i know i dont. i cant remember my mom or the house cleaning people ever scrubbing down doors. sighh...this damn bitch is killing me. i really hate her.

i talked to jim today which was good bc of all the shit going on over there. and he is well..very busy but well. i only have a few more months left. thank god. i think he will be home either in june or july if not sooner. thats not too bad since it is already march. im so happy. hopefully it will fly by.

and by request of miss maya..which i think i spelled wrong..if so sorry love..here is a picture of me makeup less....dont be scurt..lol

i know it looks naked like...and it is..but you cant see nothing.lol

update

2006-02-28T19:12:00.000-05:00

ok so alot has happened since the last post..well not really but we will go with that.haha.

i am calmer..for now. we will se what happens. on friday i started the cleaning mission. trying to be mary poppins and shit. it took me friday sat sun and monday to get it all spic and span like. fucking bullshit i tell you. i really hate that damn woman. anyway, i waited all damn weekend to hear from jim. but nothing till sunday night. butttt before i talked to him guess who stopped by...you will never guess. thats right jims mom. she said she was on her way home from walmart which is nowhere near here. but whatever. i was cleaning in my room when i heard austin yell up the stairs..mommmmyyyyy the person you dont like is here. and because i didnt think i heard him right i asked what he said. and he said it again. i ran to the window and sure enough her car was in the driveway. and so i yelled at him real quick..wel lnot yelled..bc it was funny..but i asked him if she was in the house and he said no he left her outside. lmmfao. so i let her in and she started first thing with the cleaning bullshit. this bitch is killing me. so i said does it look like it? and she examined and she was like yea. and i was like yea i did it. and so then she surveyed the downstairs bc i wasnt done with the upstairs yet. so she walks over to the sliding door and looks at me like she is gonna catch me in something. and moves the curtains aside and looks in the track and acts like she is gonna die of shock bc i cleaned it out. which pissed me off. whatever..bitch. anyway..later that night i talked to jim. he didnt read my email so i told him all about it. he said he would talk to her, he didnt know what her problem was..that they had actually had this conversation a few times..and warned me it was gonna get bad once he said something. i told him i knew that already..and then we stopped talking about her and had a great talk. god i love him.

not much else going on here really. my kid is demon spawn...grrrr.last week he told me he had no homework all week. and that happens sopmetimes so i thought nothing of it. then i get the homework folder this week and there was all kinds of fucking homework. so he failed all those tests. ANDDDDDD apparently he yelled at the teacher which is a no no in school. sighhhh. my friend melissa from jersey is coming this weekend with her month old baby. i am soooooooooooo excited. she is my bff i have known her for 15 years. this is the one that divorced me for a little while last year. so i am excited. and thats about it.

i know how you all love seeing pics of me..and i love taking them..lol so here is a new one.

i chose this pic bc my eyes look pretty. adn they are my best feature...soooo yea. the rest of the pic sucks. well except my hair but you cant really see that. ok here is a question for you..what color would you say my eyes are?

let the war begin

2006-02-23T12:44:00.000-05:00

ok some of you may get mad about this..but im past the point of caring really. not to sound bitchy..but you know how i am. anyway, i got an email from jim today. and dammit i wasnt sitting on the comp at the exact moment he came on...of course..anyway, apparently he is on a small vacation..so what better time to tell him then when he isnt in combat. i told him of his moms bullshit. and how it needs to stop. im not asking him to choose between us, but if he does expect me to be here for him when he gets back..that bitch needs to get off my ass. and then i proceeded to tell him all of what she said. hopefully he will listen this time and help me out. bc i am about done with all this bullshit. if i get thrown out of this house...and he allows it..thats it im done. i will move to jersey and i wont fucking look back..here is an exerpt of what i wrote:

booboo,

i miss you so much. i have needed to talk to you for awhile but i never am able to catch you anymore. everything seems to be going wrong and i feel like i am falling apart here. im glad to hear from you and im glad that i know you are ok. what happened to your computer now? you seem to have some issues with that thing. anyway, im typing this to you now so that when you do come back on you can read it and myabe help me out here. i know there is only so much you can do while you are there but jim i am at my wits end with this bullshit. your mom i beleive is really trying to get rid of me before you get home. i know that she hates me and she wants me gone and the more she does this shit the more i realize it. i am trying so hard to be strong here bc i love you so fucking much. and thats why i just cant understand why she does this shit. she knows how much i love you and how much you love me and you would think that would be enough. but i dont think she cares. anyway here is what happened. 2 weeks ago she called me up and told me that i have 2 weeks to do all this shit or she is throwing me out again. im really getting tired of being threatened to be kicked out every 3 damn months. there is always some stupid excuse behind it. and im really trying to keep my cool with her bc you know shes your mom and all but i dont know how much longer i can do it jim. she said i am taking advantage of the house and letting it go to shit. i dont know what the fuck shes talking about. she said i need to hire someone to come in here and clean it..wait..she said disinfect it from top to bottom. all of this bc there is dust on the baseboards. and there was a little juice spill in the refrigerator. then she went on to say i need to have the walls painted bc of all the scuff marks and shit on them which i had to inform her that they have been here since before you left. then she said i need to hire someone to come in here and shampoo the rugs bc of all the stains. the only stains that have anything to do with me are the juice ones in austins room. the rest are all from your drunken friends...you know the ones by the glass table and stuff. what i dont understand is she is so pissed off about all these things that you already knew about,but she is holding them against me. and if i dont do it she is gonna throw me out. but when you come home everything here is gonna be exactly the same as it is now. i just dont understand why she is trying to push me away and get me out of here. isnt it enough that we love each other? i just cant take it anymore jim. i know you said i should go and leave till you come home..but its too close to you coming home nopw and i dont wanna leave. i want her to stop coming in here and doing all this jim before she really does push me away. she is making me fucking crazy and i know its all bc she is stressed over you. but she needs to understand i am stressed over you and i love you too. please jim please fix all of this bc i cant take it anymore. i really cant. i love you with all my fucking heart and i always will,but i cannot take this bullshit from her anymore. im sorry that i have to tell you all this bullshit..but i dont know what else to do anymore. i have been trying to keep the drama between her and i from you. but i just cant anymore. she even went out of her way to say to me.."and dont go running your mouth to jim about this either". i really i am like her punching bag for when she gets upset with you. i dont know. im not trying to bad mouth her jim..but if you love me...and you want me to be here forever..you need to make her back off of me. before i lose it.

i think that was a nice version..dont you?

big fucking sigh

2006-02-22T08:16:00.000-05:00

and this is what i call my life...life sucks i have decided. i am in a big slump. yesterday was spent with yet another fun day at work..to come home and cry for most of the night. yay..then when i finally stopped crying bc i iss my man and i havent talked to him in two weeks....the phone rings. two guesses as to who it was. actually i will give you one. yup..it was the cunt bitch from hell. im really getting fucking tired of her. i can tell that i am on edge. and i can tell im gonna fucking snap any day now. anyyyyy dayyyyyyy. i really do feel sorry for whoever it happens to. actually i dont.bc chances are they will deserve it. maybe not all of what they will get..unless its my boss or the bitch. anyway..so she calls me to see if i heard from jim. i say no. awkward silence.....................then i say i saw him on the computer on valentines day. she says that wasnt him. i say yes it was bc he sent me a message. awkward silence.............then she goes did you find someone to come and clean yet? i say yes..they will be here on saturday. she says well you need to price them first. i proceed to tell her i found someone..again..and that its someone i know that does it as a job. she asks how much does she want. i say i dunno. she then lectures me about it and tells me how she found someone to do it as well. i AGAIN tell her that i already have it taken care of. awkward silence.................then she tells me how jims credit card bill has come in and that he hasnt bought anything in the last month and how this is odd and he must be out doing field work blah blah blah. i say i dunno..i have seen him on the computer a few times in the last month. awkward silence...and then ok well bye sue. and i hang up. she really makes my blood fucking boil.

today i wake up with puffy eyes and feeling miserable. i dont wanna talk to anyopne really..bc like i said..i know its gonna get ugly soon. i wake up austin and then come in here on the computer. as i am in here..my son says...what is this red stuff all over the floor? i get up and go look and there is puke..red puke..everywhere. fanfuckingtastic. poor kid is getting ready to cry and asks me if i am mad at him. i say im not mad that you got sick..you cant help it..but couldnt you have made it to the bathroom..or the trash can...somewhere besides the carpet. and then i have a big sigh. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and call my job to tell them i will not be at work. thinking well im probably gonna get fired.which would just make this fucking month better then it already is. and then proceed to take off all the blankets and stuffed animals and all the other shit he threw up on. gagging the whole time bc there is chunks and it fucking smells. i had to kick him out bc the smell was making him gag too,and i know that if i have to clean up fresh stuff instead of the hard stuff that is there now..i wont make it. so i am now on load 3 of the smelly icky vomit sheets. austin is downstairs playing playstation. my arms are burning from all the scrubbing i have done..im not done scrubbing yet..but my arms feel like they are gonna fall off so i took a break. i called bossman to ask if i am fired and he says i thought you said your kid was sick. i said he is..im scrubbing puke from my carpet as we speak. but you said that if i missed anymore days in the next 30 days we were gonna have issues. but i promise this is real..you can come visit if you want. im always a smart ass it seems..even when i know better..but like i said..im on the edge.

amd at 8:26 am that is my day so far. i decided i hate my life and that it sucks.

a Baltimore kind of day

2006-02-18T09:32:00.000-05:00

well yesteray we went to baltimore to the aquarium...a fun day with the kids.... the kids are lucky they made it home alive...damn brats. it was a god awful time. lol..my kid was pretty good. we had a few moments where i was ready to beat him,but overall he was good. randis kid...i was ready to strangle her.im serious..all she did was whine and bitch and cry the whole fucking day. from 8 30 am allllll the way till 3 30pm when we got home. good god. next time i will leave her home.

i took a ton of pics which i will post in a second..valentines day sucked ass. actually the whole damn week did. i got yelled at by the boss the whole 3 days that i worked this week. and i can tell i am on the edge bc i cussed his dumb ass out. fucker. i bout had it with him. then on valentines day i went to work..sad...and all the ladies at work got flowers sent in from their hubbies....and i just kinda sulked. went to cvs at lunch and got me a supersized box of chocolates. then i came home and there was no mail for me...sigh...then i come in here and get on the computer..and dont you know that in the 5 days i was off..jim wasnt on the computer once..and the one day i go he comes on. he said happy valentines day and he loves me forever and ever and then i cried for an hour and then proceeded to eat alot of chocolate.

anyway, yea so yesterday was the aquarium..i love going to there. its so pretty. i love the fishies. unfortunately im not sure of how to completely use my camera so i messed with buttons and lost some good shots bc i cant leave well enough alone.haha. oh and i decided i want to be a dolphin trainer.lol..heres some pics

everyone was still pleasant att his point..thats austin and jessa

the damn bridges

randi and the kids..those things have bubbles in them..but of course they didnt show up

hehe a little seahorse..i want one

there were actually 3 of these in the tank but they all blended in so you couldnt see them

lol that would be my child

i love frogs and i thought it was really cool that this one was blue

lol it looks like hes smiling

espn zone..didnt come out too good though

i think this is a naval base or something..but it was neat looking.

snow dayy!!!

2006-02-13T06:30:00.000-05:00

lol those are just a couple pics of the snow. good god it snowed its ass off the other day. today my body is very sore from all the damn shoveling i had to do. i had to do extra shoveling bc these bastards in the area park at the bottom of my damn driveway forcing the plow to go around and in the end dumping all the shit at the bottom of the driveway. this means that i then have to shovel all the way into the street. fuckers. anyway, im starting to get bored. i have been home since weds night of last week. im tired of being home. but austin has off of school..so here i am again. lol and then i have off on friday for out field trip to the baltimore aquarium..yayyyy im so excited.

in other news, jims mom called here on saturday night. and ACTED LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED AT ALL!!! can you beleive this bitch. she was all nice and sweet and all like we were bestest friends. i dont know if she really thinks it was no big deal to tell me she was gonna try and throw me out again or what...but i hold grudges...i dont beleive her fake shit. now my point is..all the things she is bitching about..are no different then when jim was here before..or how they will be when he comes home again. so im not sure what she thinks she is accomplishing by throwing me out every 3 months. once jim finds out he is gonna flip. and whats the point of kicking me out anyway? jim will be home in a few months and i will be right back here doing the same cleaning as i did before...moron..

anyway, in other news...i had the weirdest thing happen the other day. i dont know how you all think about ghosts and stuff of that sort,but the other day i was slightly intoxicated laying in bed trying to fall asleep..when i heard my name. not quite like someone whispered in my ear...but i could just hear it really loud echoing in my head. it was very strange. it scared the crap out of me actually.lol weird.

hmm i think thats it...

thats my goofy child and his best friend jessa(randis kid)

and i leave you with a kissy...lol i love this camera

and the bullshit goes on

2006-02-10T18:10:00.000-05:00

now you know it wasnt gonna be too much longer before i did a post with alot of bitching.lol. and you also know its been awhile since i have bitched about jims mom. but then you also have been here long enough to know that she is about due in trying to throw me out of the house...again. sighhhhhh...god i hate that bitch.

yea so yesterday i was just vegging in my bed..slightly intoxicated bc i didnt work today...and the phone rings. its jims mom. so already i get a bitter twinge in me. but i am gonna try to not let her taint me with her negativity. so she asks me if i got my taxes done. i say yes...and then she just starts to straight up bitch for 15 minutes. and i was fuming. now being i was intoxicated i was getting smart with her..bc i tend to not be able to control my anger as well then. she was bitching about all this stuff thats wrong with the house, the carpets need shampooing and how extremely disgusting my house is. now i dont like to clean..but my house is not disgusting...its not mary poppins perfect but its clean. she was saying the walls need painted and how im letting the house go to shit blah blah blah. ok..the walls are all scuffed up bc of jim and his drunken friends. the carpets are stained bc of jim and his drunken friends..all stuff that happened way before he left. so i started bitching..saying she cant put that shit on me bc i didnt fucking do that. then she said i need to have the house disinfected from top to bottom and the rugs shampooed by the 1st of march or im out. and i best not run my mouth to jim.

im getting really fucking tired of her shit. REALLY FUCKING TIRED OF IT!!!!... ok bc does she think the house would be any different if jim was here? fuck no..itd be worse. way fucking worse. and if she thinks im gonna listen to her threats shes fucking crazy. i dont owe that bitch anything. fucking cunt.

god i hate this family..i wish jim was home already. i cant promise i wont fucking kill her ass soon

2006-02-06T01:58:00.000-05:00

i got a digi cam finally..thought i would post this pic

another year, another tax return

2006-02-01T19:23:00.000-05:00

so yea..i am still bitter about the dad and his fucked up bullshit...but i will get over it soon i suppose.

not much else going on. i had my year review at work the other day. and it was the biggest bunch of bullshit i have ever heard. i got a 27cent raise..and i was supposed to be happy about this bc it was a 3% raise instead of the 2% one that was the cost of living raise.yippee..was i supposed to jump for joy? then he told me i do excellent work but im not a team player. its a damn good thing i had my happy drugs in me..or it wouldve been ugly. are you fucking kidding me? im not a team plaer? i work with the most miserable bitch in the world every single day and i havent quit yet..if that isnt a team fucking player. then he said that i dont work well with others. i told him everyone here loves me. i am friendly with everyone here and everyone goes out of there way to talk to me...how do i not work well with others. and then he was like well you are always on me and arguing blah blah blah....i was like so bc i try to joke with you like everyone else does and i dont kiss your ass and tell you how i really feel..that makes me not work well with others? he didnt really like that much..but i dont fucking care. then he pointed out the team sign..the one that says together everyone achieves more...and said something about it. i said that sign is a fucking joke!!! there is no team out there...so i was pissed. then i told him i want out of the dept i am ion. he tried to feed me bullshit about how i was good at what im doing now. i told him i can be good at anything. i can learn fast and excel at whatever i do. i always have. then he tried to pull the im a girl card. now you all know im a bitch. so you know what happened. he was like oh what you think you can go and work in the mat dept and i was like hell yea i can. he was like yea oh right..vanessa those mats are 60lbs each. i looked him dead in his eye and said..so? what you think bc i am a girl i cant lift 60lbs? my child ways 60lbs and i can pick him up and fling him around like it was nothing. then he got all mad and started bitching bc i was bitching asking why i was fighting with him. and i told him bc this review is bullshit. i couldnt stop cursing at him.lol.shocker..i know.

then he told me i could do better at my job. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? you cant get much better at what i do. not to be all conceited sounding but you cant. i kick ass...and im not a robot..i cant push myself any harder then what i do now..i know bc i have tried already..so whatever...i hate my job.

yesterday i got my taxes done..and for all my old friends..you know this means lots and lots of shopping. and you know how much shopping makes me happy. yayyyyy. i got $4400 back. i cant wait to spend some. my friend benito from jersey is coming down for the weekend. there is talk of going clubbing. im super excited..i really need a night out.

hope you all are good

assholes

2006-01-29T04:58:00.000-05:00

ok so yea..he is ok..i talked to him the other day and he is fine. the reason he didnt get on is bc when someone gets hurt they dont allow the internet to be on. so he is ok.

ok so heres my fucked up story for the day..now y'all know that i have been having a hard time with jim being gone lately. more so then the rest of the time he has been gone. everyone knows that. well anyway, yesterday i went to randis for a little while and then came home. as i was coming home and almost to my house, i seen a guy on a bike....it looked exactly like jims bike,and his build. so i got a little excited and i was like nahhhh...just a coincidence. i tried to think if jim owned a shirt that looked like the one the guy was wearing bc it came to me that there arent that many bikes the same color as jims. his was custom painted. so i got a little excited..and then just blew it off..so i get on my street and i see jims dad in my driveway and the garage is open and there is no bike. so i was like hmmmmm.... his dad goes..did you see jimmy go by on the bike? so my heart got all happy and i did too. and i was like really? ws that him bc i did see it?

and he goes.......no.

who fucking does that?

2006-01-26T19:52:00.000-05:00

Meanwhile, the U.S. command announced that two more American soldiers died Wednesday — one in a bombing south of Baghdad and a second of wounds suffered in a rocket attack in Ramadi. At least 2,238 members of the U.S. military have died since the war began, according to an Associated Press count.

i know i dont need to say anything else for all of you to know how i am feeling

and to my blogging friends..i love you

2006-01-25T01:19:00.000-05:00

i am soooo bored with life...i have no action going on. i managed to have another breakdown of sorts..valentines day is around the corner..and that sucks ass...im poor..my tax papers are taking too long to get her....and im so blah...

so for the next bunch of months..im am sorry for lack of posting. but i just dont have much to tell. life is dull and depressing. i will still visit and all..but my posting and the amount of times i visit will be slimming down a bit. i just cant seem to get into blogging.

but i love you all. and i promise as soon as something of interest happens i shall post again.

blah blah

2006-01-22T08:23:00.000-05:00

well overall yesterday was a shitty day. i woke up in the morning and went to mcdonalds and i got pulled over. i got 2 tickets totaling $100. dammit! sigh

then the rest of the day just kinda sucked from then on. i got to talk to jim. but it required being up very late and he only talked to me for like 45 minutes. and he wasnt very pleasant..so that wasnt very fun

the small world board has gone to hell bc nick has lost his mind...so i will be a sorta active board memeber there....but there is also a new board as well if you wanna check it out....

http://hostedboard.com/phpbb/index.php?mforum=smallerworld&sid=daebe486277eb447362e8e9ddd176b55

and that is all for now

good god im bitchy

2006-01-19T19:07:00.000-05:00

people seem to be pissing me off left and righ tthis week..i am like a ticking bobm ready to explode any minute. i miss my lover... i wanna talk to him..i had pms..and i still have no period. which is odd bc god knows i get no sex...and i havent been anymore stresed then any other month. and everybody is just getting on my damn nerves. some people on the net with their drama on the small world board, people at work..good god. i have had enough. maybe i need an internet break. but then what would i do with myself.lol god knows i have no damn life.

valentines day is coming soon. and again i will be all alone. the second year in a row. im depressed about it already. gonna have to buy myself lots of chocolate. sigh

in good news my friend benito from nj is coming next weekend. i guess his friend is in a band and they are playing in a bar in delaware so hes gonna come here. i am soooo excited. ihavent seen him in like 5 years. hes like my big bro. i just love him.

i have a myspace account.. http://www.myspace.com/jimmysgirl8280, in case you wanna visit..anyway, and some of my old jersey friends have found me. people that were my bestest friends before i moved out of jersey. they are talking about a roadtrip down here..altogether...yayyyy im excited. i havent seen these people since i was pregnant..like 8 years ago. so that should be exciting.

austin will be going away for the whole summer. thats right..the whole summer! im so excited. and he is too. he will be going to his dads for almost 3 months. so that means 3 months of freedom. which is perfect bc that will be right when jim gets home. so we can go on romantic getaways..and screw all over the house. lol

and lets seeee..austin has a field trip coming up next month. to the baltimore aquarium. i have already been there but it was years ago..so im really excited for that too.

tomorrow night i am going with randi to a friends house. should be interesting.lol

thats about it

dullness

2006-01-15T21:42:00.000-05:00

sorry my posts are so random guys but life is very dull. no drama, no bitching, no nothing to tell of. lol...im so dull. i talked to jim again today which was great. i really beleive that i have changed alot since he left..but in a good way. well except for not liking his family..that just got worse. but i think i have learned to aprreciate him even more. i really cant wait for him to come home so i can love him. the way i feel he should be loved..bc before i just took so much for granted. and its amazing how it took him being away so long to figure it all out. i hope that i can remember all this when he gets home. well i know i iwll remember it when he gets home..i just hope it isnt a temporary thing. know what i mean? god i love him soo much.

heres a little bit of our talk today..i know how you all love it..lol

JeRzEeGrLiNmD (8:57:20 AM): what else are you excited for?
jiminiraq2005 (8:59:22 AM): laying in bed with you and falling asleep holding you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (8:59:40 AM): awwww baby...i cant wait for that either
jiminiraq2005 (9:01:53 AM): i love you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (9:07:34 AM): ok baby i love you forever and ever. i enjoyed our chat today..sleep well and have dirty dreams of me. i love you and hopefully we can talk to morrow for a little bit..otherwise i will see you later in the week when you have shift change
jiminiraq2005 (9:08:45 AM): ok love ill talk to you later i love you forever and i will try to talk to you tomorow enjoy your day and i enjoyed our chat as well
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (9:09:09 AM): ok baby goodnight..feel better...talk to you soon...love you
jiminiraq2005 (9:09:39 AM): ok love you good bye my love

i thought there was more that i could post on here..but it was a dirty talk kind of day..lol heres some from the other day

jiminiraq2005 (2:51:49 AM): you like being dirty
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:51:52 AM): i do
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:52:00 AM): you love that i like it
jiminiraq2005 (2:52:24 AM): yea i do
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:52:49 AM): is that what makes you love me most?bc i m so dirty?
jiminiraq2005 (2:53:07 AM): i dont think so
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:53:22 AM): you dont think so?
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:53:25 AM): really?
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:53:30 AM): hmmm
jiminiraq2005 (2:53:39 AM): thats not why i love you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:53:47 AM): i thought it would be..i think if i wasnt so dirty..you wouldnt tolerate me as much
jiminiraq2005 (2:53:56 AM): thats just an added bonus
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:53:59 AM): lol
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:54:01 AM): i love you
jiminiraq2005 (2:54:08 AM): i love you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:54:24 AM): i really miss you alot
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:54:34 AM): i just wanna squeeze you
jiminiraq2005 (2:54:45 AM): and i miss uyo
jiminiraq2005 (2:55:03 AM): yea i know the feelng
jiminiraq2005 (2:55:09 AM): yea
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:55:34 AM): you know the feeling? awwwww you wanna squeeze me too?
jiminiraq2005 (2:55:49 AM): yea
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:56:10 AM): your so sweet to me when you are halfway across the world in hell
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:56:38 AM): like lovey like and stuff..we will have to work on you keeping it when you get home
jiminiraq2005 (2:57:42 AM): oh yea
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:57:55 AM): yea
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:57:59 AM): i like a lovey jim
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:58:13 AM): lovey jim rocks
jiminiraq2005 (2:58:13 AM): thats good
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (2:58:16 AM): lol
jiminiraq2005 (2:58:18 AM): ill se what i can do
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (12:42:39 PM): yea so anyway..i wanna have lots and lots and lots of sex
jiminiraq2005 (12:43:54 PM): me too
jiminiraq2005 (12:44:09 PM): for as long as hmanly possible

and thats bout it..life is good i guess..im tired so i will post more tomorrow

he is ok

2006-01-12T19:00:00.000-05:00

my lover is ok. the other night it was looking like i may get a whole night of sleep for the first time in 2 months..when the phone rang. i pried my eyeballs open to see it was 2am...and the phone was ringing..as i was cursing obscenely..i answered to hear my sissys voice telling me jim was on the comp. so i ran to it and chatted with him till about 3am. he was ok and normal jim. and if i hadnt been so friggin exhausted i would have been really happy.

i got another message today too..so all is well. so far. but i read a thing on yahoo news that said the violence is gonna get worse over there. i wish he would come home. i miss him and i want him here safe..

sorry im so moody lately..but like i said i havent had a good nights sleep in 2 months..i got pms..and this stuff with him being there and his stupid mom is just putting me over the edge..not to mention sexual frustrations.lol

thank you all for your kind thoughts. i will be by to visit you all on sat.

still nothing

2006-01-10T19:10:00.000-05:00

still havent heard from jim. and dammit why does the bitch keep calling me and stressing me out more!!!!!!!!

im not answering the phone anymore

god i feel sick

2006-01-08T12:47:00.000-05:00

there is so much going on over there in hell..its scary. a good bit of u.s. people have been killed this weekend. anything that was after 12pm yesterday in iraq time..could be something jim was involved in. im so scared. i hate when jims mom makes me crazed bc it keeps me crazed for awhile. i havent heard from him since our talk yesterday morning. and its driving me crazy. i hate when he is on the shift hes on now bc he has much more to do then the other shifts..and i see him alot more. i hate feeling scared for him. i wish this was over. i dont know how much longer i can stay sane

thank you

2006-01-07T11:37:00.000-05:00

my lover is ok. good thing i never get any sleep any more or i would have missed him. but i woke up for the third time at 4am and jim was on. so i got to talk to him and he's ok. god i miss him so damn much. it seems these last months are the hardest yet.i'm so excited for him to be almost done. imean we are more then half way done. but good god..i want him home now. i cant take the damn stress anymore and god knows i havent slept good in months. and jesus i want his mom to leave me the fuck alone already.

yesterday i was supposed to go to his moms to drop off money. i said i would be there AROUND 4:30pm. well i eneded up talking to an old friend from high school that i havent talked to in years. and we talked for about an hour. and finally i got myself off the phone and into the shower getting ready to start the evenings events. well while i was in the shower austin comes up and goes sue is here. so i said ok tell her i will be down in a minute. all i could think was that jim was dead. sounds gruesome i know,but everything thats been happening is right where he is. noone has heard from him in days and i didnt understand why she would've been there otherwise since i said i was gonna drive over there. so as i get out of the shower i am shaking..thinking that i would feel it in my heart that if something happened i would know..i would feel it. but still i was shaking and on the verge of tears. i go down and shes there and shes looking all sad and i was like whats up sue. and shes like i am here for money and as i was getting ready to say i was on my way there she was bitching talking about i was taking too long. i just let it go. im too fucking tired to fight these days. then i told her i havent heard from jim still and shes like oh thats not good. not good at all. i hate talking to her bc she makes me more crazy about him then i already am. she gets me all freaked out thinking the worst..and i dont need that. finally she left and i asked austin if he asked who it was before he let her in. he says i didnt let her in she let herself in. she used her key to just fucking walk right in. now ok..i can see if i wasnt here..but if i am here..you dont just fucking whip out the key and walk right in. i have had it with this bitch!! i have no privacy at all. its ridiculous. sighh..then i went on my merry way to randis house. stayed there for awhile. not sure how long..but then randi came here bc her house was like a zoo. and we played video games and chatted for a bit. our new mission is shrek 2. its pretty hard. we were far in the game and then the guy that lives at randis house with her accidently..accidently my ass! so anyway now we have to work all the way back up there again. which is my mission for today.

anyway, then i went to slepp and woke up like a hundred times....sigh..and caught my lover on the computer. god i miss him and want him so bad. i have high hopes for his return. i cant way to love him. and aprreciate him and all that stuff. i think when he gets home things will be different..but a good different. i think we will appreciate each other much more..and be more lovey.

JeRzEeGrLiNmD (5:10:08 AM): what is the very first thing you want to do when you get home
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (5:10:10 AM): dirty thing
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (5:10:13 AM): i think i know
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (5:10:17 AM): but i wanna hear it
jiminiraq2005 (5:10:22 AM): take a shower
jiminiraq2005 (5:10:26 AM): and kiss you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (5:10:51 AM): yayy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (5:10:55 AM): i cant wait to be kissed
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (5:10:58 AM): i miss kissing
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (5:11:10 AM): when you come home im gonna knock you down and kiss you for hours
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (5:11:12 AM): so be prepared
jiminiraq2005 (5:11:18 AM): ok
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (5:11:31 AM): you know how i love kissing
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (5:11:39 AM): you know we used to kiss alot more in the beginning
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (5:11:44 AM): we dont kiss enough anymore
jiminiraq2005 (5:13:10 AM): we dont kiss at all righ now
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (5:13:19 AM): well duh
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (5:13:27 AM): but when you are here..we dont kiss nearly enough
jiminiraq2005 (5:13:43 AM): we can fix that
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (5:13:49 AM): good
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (5:13:52 AM): i wanna kiss alot
jiminiraq2005 (5:14:03 AM): yea and kiss my nuts alot
jiminiraq2005 (5:14:04 AM): too

lmao..pig. i sent him a box of stuff. nothing really exciting..but it was enough to make him think of me...i made him give me a play by play of the opening of the box..lol

jiminiraq2005 (4:54:45 AM): some one kicked something into my area
jiminiraq2005 (4:54:51 AM): i woke up
jiminiraq2005 (4:54:58 AM): i saw it was a box
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:55:04 AM): damn they kicked it?
jiminiraq2005 (4:55:08 AM): then i saw it was from you
jiminiraq2005 (4:55:14 AM): i opened it
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:55:24 AM): uhh huhhhh
jiminiraq2005 (4:55:32 AM): it made the area smell like you
jiminiraq2005 (4:55:41 AM): then i took the bear out
jiminiraq2005 (4:55:48 AM): and put it on my bed
jiminiraq2005 (4:56:03 AM): then i put the candy in my fridge
jiminiraq2005 (4:56:18 AM): i looked at the picture and the card
jiminiraq2005 (4:56:51 AM): it took me like 10 min to get the calender out if the bottom cause it was a perfect fit
jiminiraq2005 (4:57:09 AM): i looked therough the calander put it on my bed
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:57:09 AM): lmao
jiminiraq2005 (4:57:30 AM): tehn i got in bed with the bear and slept happily ever after
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:57:40 AM): happily ever after huh?
jiminiraq2005 (4:58:10 AM): i slept like a baby

i sent him another special bear from my collection drowned in perfume that i wear..lol..i love that he slept with it...hehe..god i miss him

please god

2006-01-06T20:57:00.000-05:00

there was a few soldiers killed right where jim is at. i havent heard from him in days...

please dear god let him be ok

i miss my booboo

2006-01-04T21:39:00.000-05:00

life is so friggin dull here. im so bored and im so tired of being bored. i wish all the people i loved lived by me. but they are all miles and miles away. and it sucks. i feel lonely. i miss my sissy and i miss my friends and i really fucking miss jim.

i miss being with him and i miss hugging him..and i miss how he rubs my head when it hurts so bad till i go to sleep. and i have been having alot of problems sleeping lately. i was telling him about it and hes so silly. i keep having these dreams where someone is trying to kill me..and if it isnt a dream like that it is a dream that is a jim dream that is a tease. i never..ok rarely ever have bad dreams when jim is home..i guess thats bc he is laying next to me. its amazing how much i took for granted when he was here. just simple things..like pet me till my head hurts..or make me laugh at his goofy faces. wrestling around, or how he would tickle my back till i fell asleep every night. scrubbing me in the shower and washing my hair.sighh. it has been one year today. it was a fast year..now 6 months left to go. unless i get lucky and he gets to come home early.

i wish he was here now

scarlett made me

2006-01-03T06:53:00.000-05:00

i went to see my buddy scarlett and she made me do this damn thing..grrrr

1. SEVEN THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE

1. Have a threesome
2. go bungee jumping
3. have my big cinderella wedding on valentines day
4. get skiinier then i have ever been
5. get a boob lift and reduction
6. go to italy
7. go to school and become somebody

2. SEVEN THINGS I CANNOT (won't) DO

1. let someone preach religion to me and pressure me to live life as they do
2. change who i am to please anybody..not even jim
3. force my child to do things he doesnt want to..like play sports..that kind of stuff
4. become an asshole to my family like my stepfather..i want to love everyone and make sure they feel love
5. forget my mother and the things she did for us
6. let jim go without a fight
7. let my sister down

3. SEVEN THINGS THAT ATTRACT ME TO MEN

1. nice pink full lips
2. dimples
3. Personality
4. Attitude
5. Ass
6. muscles
7. eye color

4. SEVEN THINGS I SAY MOST OFTEN

1. what ever floats your boat
2. whatever
3. keep telling yourself that
4. you're the best
5. i miss jim
6. lol AUSTIN GET IN THE DAMN SHOWER ALREADY!!
7. Fuck!

5. SEVEN BOOKS THAT I LOVE

1. ANY OF THE STEPHANIE PLUM BOOKS..IM BRAIN DEAD SO I CANT THINK OF THE AUTHOR...damn still in caps
2. all of the in death series by nora roberts...i think thats who it is
3. all of the laurel hamilton books
4. Any dean koontz book
5. the a-z series by sue grafton
6. and where the heart is
7.

6. SEVEN MOVIES I WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN

1. the 1996 version of romeo and juliet
2. honey
3. Notebook
4. aladdin....its my fave!
5. monster in law..funny as hell
6. foxfire..one of the first angelina jolie movies
7. sweet november....my other absolute fave

7. SEVEN PEOPLE I WANT TO JOIN IN ON OR PASS THIS SEVEN THINGY TO.

1. cowboy joe
2. the queen
3. dom
4. my misguided fool
5. dl
6. erin
7. whoever wants to do it

so not much else to discuss really..my poor baby. he is on a new shift now..so we dont really get to talk. the only reason i get to talk to him today is bc i am not going to work bc my child is sick. again. yes he came home on sunday with a killer cough. the same damn one i just got rid of before he left.dammit. but its ok bc i dont wanna go anyway.lol i have all new days now so i am good to go.

anyway back to jim..yea so we dont talk much lately..and he is getting really sad. i feel bad but there isnt anything i can do. i had the last 3 days off of work and he couldnt get it to work. so that sucked..but when i am at work he is on. i am talking to him now and the stupid comp is acting up which is pissing me off bc i finally get to talk to him and his connection sucks ass!. hes been really sweet to me lately..which i know means that he is very homesick. here are some snippets

jiminiraq2005 (3:11:08 PM): i love you branessa i miss you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (3:15:57 PM): ok baby..and dont forget to tell me if you get my box..and if you like it and stuff. i love you sweet dreams. ill talk to you soon
jiminiraq2005 (3:17:22 PM): there always sweet after i talk to you and i will let you know i love you

and here are some of the ones i got while i was at work last week that just broke my heart

jiminiraq2005 (8:23:50 AM): where are you lover
jiminiraq2005 (9:10:05 AM): ill try to wait up for you love talk to you later love you
jiminiraq2005 (8:20:48 AM): hi lover
jiminiraq2005 (8:22:01 AM): i hope im here when you get on i love you

i guess they dont seem that bad..but you have to know jim. i miss my baby

happy 2006

2006-01-01T16:52:00.000-05:00

hello everyone and happy new year! i hope you all had a fun night. i had a very good night..well depending on how you look at it.

my new years resolution is to treat jim better and to understand what he is going through alot better. to appreciate him more.

thats all i have to say

a christmas in jersey

2005-12-27T16:13:00.000-05:00

total of money for a roundtrip of tolls: $20

1/5 of vodka to keep from killing the family: $12

christmas full of "hardcore: family drama and "boozehead" :priceless

thank god xmas is over. i will not be traveling home for xmas for another few years. good thing my sister was there to save me. otherwise..i think i would have flung myself down the fucking stairs. good god.

ok well lets start from the day i drove there..i cant remember what i said about that..but im gonna say it again. the drive there was sorta bad. there was road work everywhere i went..so it delayed me a good bit. and by the time i got near my house there was rush hour traffic. took me four hours to get there. not too bad..but bleh. so i got there at the same time as my stepdad..so it was all excitable like. and he hates excitable..so it was interesting. i tried to talk him into going to this place called jose tejas..which makes really good mexican food. any other time i am there he wants to go. but not this day of course. so he says no..hes going out..blah blah. so i sent my sissy to go ask him. and she had no luck either. so then sissy wants to put up the tree. we ask him to get it out of the garage and it took him forever. then i had to listen to how i couldnt do it by myself like a hundred times and how we should wait for him to get back to do it. now he is the biggest scrooge ever so he kept trying to say how he should go to home depot and get one of those little 3 ft trees that come already lit so we didnt have to do this. sighhh...so then after fighting him forever he finally gave up. so then we told him we were hungry and he should order pizza. and at first he told me how i dont need to eat.. i will be ok. so i was pissed. but i let it go bc i knew there would be more to come. then he said how he would order pizza when he got back. well he is known for saying he will be back in an hour or two and be gone like 8. so i went ahead and ordered pizza. i told my sister watch when he comes home and sees i ordered pizza he will say oh well i was gonna take you to jose tejas. and sure enough he did. so i was mad again. anyway, so me and my sister and my son all fluffed and put the tree together. it looked pretty nice. we had just stuck the top of it on when my stepdad came home. and he was going on and on about how it took us forever and we shouldve just waited. then he picked on the way it looked. it was a little wobbly..lol..but i tried to get him to fix it for like 10 minutes before he left and he just ignored me..so wobbly it was. then he was like oh well we should just wait to put the decorations on. we put them on anyway. then he starteed lecturing me about drinking diet soda. and how it is crap. and that continued the whole damn weekend.

conversation between my sis and him

Dad: OMG who bought MORE soda?
sis: Dad you know I don't drink soda
Dad: This stuff is crap. She should just stop drinking it.
sis: Like I said dad, she's 25, she can drink whatever she wants.
Dad: No she can't
sis: Sorry to break it to you dad, but she can. And alcohol IS worse for you then soda, sorry.
Dad: No it's not
sis: Dad, people don't go to rehab from soda. People don't DIE over soda
Dad: No one dies over alcohol
sis: WHAT ABOUT MOM?
Dad: Well that's from EXCESSIVE drinking Ryan
sis: -points to everywhere in the kitchen- HELLO? -points to alcohol in his hand- What the hell is that?
Dad: Oh this is only my 3rd glass tonight
sis: Okay dad. You win.

yea..and i heard that kind of stuff over and over and over. good god. xmas eve wasnt very eventful. we made some cookies that my sissy kinda burnt..lol but only after she almost burnt the house down.lmao. i used to do the same damn thing..like weekly. we leave the pizza boxes in the oven when there is some left over. im not sure why..but anyway when she preheated the oven for the cookies she didnt know the box was in there. so it started smoking. lmmfao..and then my stepdad was like..oh well its all heated up for dinner.lol and it was too.

xmas day was its own special little treat..by now i had invested in some vodka bc i still had some days left to tolerate..lol and it was needed. well i woke up xmas morning and went to where austin was to watch him open gifts. he was a very happy camper and good god he got alot of stuff.lol then i went home and we did presents at the house. me and my sissy got all the same presents..except she got a camera and i didnt. i was crushed. i know xmas isnt supposed to be about the presents and all..but damn..i really wanted the camera. and i know he did all his shopping last minute. and he did know i wanted a camera. i didnt want one as extravagant as my sisters..just A camera. i almost cried. my sissy felt bad for me bc she knew how much i really wanted it, so she gave me some special braceltes. shes so sweet. in my fit of rage i went to go see my bestest friend and her normal family. and spent time with them for a bit. then i went back home and started drinking. i was miserable. well my sissy caught me drinking and she got mad at me. we had a small tiff. she went to her room..i went to mine. i was ready to leave and drive home right then. but i didnt. then we went to my aunt and uncles house..it was fun/funny there. my stepdad put back about 3 bottles of wine. all the while yelling at me for smoking and drinking soda and god whatever else he could. i was ready to scream. i finally told him to shutup already. him and his bro played guitar the whole time we were there. it got old really quick. me and ryan played checkers..which she whooped my ass...and candyland..we each one once..and tic tac toe..she whooped my ass some more.lol god i love her. anyway...the more wine he drank the more irritating he became. the ride home was the best. he kept saying the weather was brutal and the rain was hardcore..and really you had to be there..but it was funny as hell. me and ryan mocked him the whole way home.

monday morning as i was leaving he stopped me and told me how my family is made of small gened people and how i should be much skinnier then i am. he doesnt seem to notice i am thinner everytime i go home..so obviously i know what i am doping..but whatever..i was so ready to go. i am good on the family thing for awhile. well excpet my sissy..cuz i lurve her!!

ok now im gonna try and post some pics..lol

this is me and my sissy...lol my eyeballs are bugging out and she thinks she looks asian

my bibsy..hehe shes so cute!

she said i had to make a dumb face..lol

and this is my son austin

hope you all had a great xmas!!

merry xmas

2005-12-24T17:32:00.000-05:00

greetings from nj.....sighhh.well i am hom. i had a it of a rough drive yeterday. lot of traffic. good thing i otout of work early. but it still took 4 hours. 4 stressfulhours. theni got here and i just beat my stepdad here. then he got here and we had a few nice minutes. i said doi look skinnier and he said yea..i dontthink heevenlooked. wow my typing looks rough. i am on a laptop im not good with these. so bear with me. nyway...so yea.. theni tried to get him to take the family out to this place called jose tejas and he was like ohhhh no we cant bc..blah blah bullshit.and then went out with some dude..whatever but before all that i said how i was hungry and he goes...well...you dont need to eat...wy do i even come here again? oooo yea y sissy..

im feeling down today. i mis jim...like alot..and i think between that and being around the stepdad is killing me slowly.but i guess its better then being alone. good thing i have my sister. my lil bibsyyy.haha i have tackled her a few times already. i should go do it again.lol anyway, imiss jim alot. andi hate that ihavent talked tohim and tomorrow is xmas. ts just not the same.

well imgonna go start drinkingnow. yup its about that time...apparently diet soda is gona kill me...ut liquor isnt..does thtmake sense to you? yea me either...i bought some vodka to keepme semi sane while i am here...i dunno what i was thinking. this ouse is like a liquor store...

merry xmas and ihope you ll survive the drinkingand family drama!!!

happy christmas

2005-12-21T19:21:00.000-05:00

hello all my friends!!!

i havent heard from jim. and i guess i wont be. i am feeling kinda sad like. i really miss him alot. this will be the first year i didnt have him for xmas..and couldnt even talk to him. im having jim withdrawals. i think it is a good thing i am going home this year...otherwise i dont think i would survive it. i have alot of fun stuff planned for the almost 3 days i will be there. so i am hoping to be too busy to think sadly. sighh. i got all mys hit packed and my cd collection ready for what i think will be a very long drive there. im so psyched. i cant wait to see my sissy. she said they are even waiting for me to do the tree.. that makes me pretty happy!

tomorrow i go to jims parents to have xmas there...yay....thats all i have to say about that...

so yea..with that and leaving on friday..i wont be around here till at least monday..

so i hope you all have a wonderful xmas. and i hope santa is goos to you. eat alot of good stuff..beat up your sister...get drunk and merry..and all of that..lol

i will see you all monday..be safe!!

a thingy

2005-12-20T18:01:00.000-05:00

hello all...not much new..talked to jim yesterday. we had a pretty good talk. unfortunatley it is shift change time now. and on this shift i dont get to talk to him. this makes me sad. like alot. especially with xmas coming and all. i guess it doesnt matter since for xmas he is on a vacation of sorts. to the green zone..whatever that is. i will only be able to talk to him on the weekends...well every weekend except for this one. sighhhh. he told me not to be sad bc shift change means we are another month closer to him coming home. i said i guess thats the good way to look at it..but...you know..i will miss him. alot!! :(

id like to give a special thanks to my big bro joe! he sent me a country cd that i made by special request. hehe..i told jim i was listening to country..haha

JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:49:14 PM): lol im listening to country
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:49:16 PM): hahahaha
jiminiraq2005 (4:49:20 PM): why
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:49:21 PM): you need to come home soon
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:49:25 PM): they have tainted me
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:49:30 PM): some of them are really funny
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:49:36 PM): all the drinking songs are funny as hell
jiminiraq2005 (4:49:43 PM): soem of what
jiminiraq2005 (4:49:49 PM): i lkew one
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:49:53 PM): some of the songs
jiminiraq2005 (4:49:54 PM): its
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:50:01 PM): its?
jiminiraq2005 (4:50:10 PM): hank why do you drink to get drunk
jiminiraq2005 (4:50:17 PM): why do you roll smoke
jiminiraq2005 (4:50:19 PM): to gety high
jiminiraq2005 (4:50:25 PM): you know
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:50:25 PM): yea i dunno that one
jiminiraq2005 (4:50:32 PM): hank williams
jiminiraq2005 (4:50:35 PM): jr i think
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:50:43 PM): im jammin to a song called 10 rounds of jose cuervo
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:50:59 PM): next is tequila makes her clothes come off
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:51:03 PM): hehe i love that one
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:51:08 PM): ohh
jiminiraq2005 (4:51:25 PM): thats the only one i like at all
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:51:29 PM): i sent you one
jiminiraq2005 (4:51:31 PM): its the onlty one i know
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:51:33 PM): you wont know its country
jiminiraq2005 (4:51:36 PM): you are a redneck
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:51:40 PM): but its a beautiful song
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:51:44 PM): wow
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:51:48 PM): you arent very nice to me
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:51:50 PM): fucker
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:51:53 PM): im not a redneck
jiminiraq2005 (4:51:56 PM): what
jiminiraq2005 (4:52:05 PM): you like nig truvks mud and country
jiminiraq2005 (4:52:11 PM): big trucks
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:52:11 PM): mud?
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:52:13 PM): i hate mud
jiminiraq2005 (4:52:29 PM): yea right you like being dirty
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:52:33 PM): not in mud
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:52:40 PM): i wanna be dirty
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:52:44 PM): you need to come home
jiminiraq2005 (4:52:46 PM): see
jiminiraq2005 (4:53:04 PM): you want to be dirty you wqant a truck
jiminiraq2005 (4:53:11 PM): and you listen to country
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (4:53:16 PM): whatever
jiminiraq2005 (4:53:23 PM): whatever first

haha..anyway..i stole this from joe. he tagged me for something i did a very long time ago..so i took this one instead..

1. Eggnog or hot chocolate? Eggnog
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just leave them under the tree? Wraps most of them..but the big ones arent always wrapped
3. Colored lights on house and tree? colored on the tree, and white and colored on the house
4. Do you hang mistletoe? i did once
5. When do you put decorations up? lol..whenever i get the energy..mine just went up last thursday
6. Your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? mashed potatoes with lots of gravy
7. Favorite holiday memory as a child? having an m&m fight with my cousins
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? when i was 5 i caught my parents setting out the toys
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas eve? normally i would..but jim doesnt beleive in it
10. What kind of cookies does Santa get set out for him? whatever..he's not picky
11. Snow, Love it or dread it? i loved it when i was a kid..now i hate it
12. Can you ice skate? nope and i grew up in a house on the lake..lol
13. Do you rmember your favorite gift? there were alot of favorites
14. What's the most important thing about the holidays for you? getting home to see my family..and i finally will this year
15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Pumpkin pie with lots of cool whip
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? putting the baby balls on the tree
17. What tops your tree? Nothing right now
18. Which do you prefer, giving or receiving? Giving.
19. What is your favorite Christmas Carol? grandma got run over by a reindeer..lmao..but i have found 2 country xmas songs that are good...one is called rusty chevrolet and the other is something about cookie..haha..but my fave realllll xmas song is the one john lennon does..happy xmas
20. Candy canes, yucky or yummy? Yummy if they are flavored..icky if not

3 more days to jersey..well 2 full ones...im am so friggin excited!!

what a day

2005-12-18T07:18:00.000-05:00

yea so yesterday was an interesting day. yea so i got up on and off from 3am till about 6 when i said fuck it and got up. so i got motivated to clean this dump.lol bc god knows the second im not in the house sue will be here a snooping. so gotta make it sparkle.

then i called randi at about 10..god the day seemed to have been like forever by then. and the guy that lives at her house answered and said she never came home. hmmmm....this is not a good thing. that means she picked some loser to sleep with. sigh. so i call her cell, and in my cheery i-know-you-did-something-bad voice..i say whats up ran? and shes all...hey..heyyy vanessa. (sounding guilty) so then i say...well ran..where were you last night that you never made it home? and shes like..hehe..ummm..well its not important. which means that she slept with the biggest loser of them all. this man is psycho and obsessed with her. so she sleeps with him. shes so stupid...

well anyway i went to her house to lecture her and get some money from her. and the guy that lives there is there with his girlfriend. then we all ganged up on her...lmao..and found she had hickeys..lmao. after that i went to the dollar store. i love the dollar store.lol so i got a ton of shit and then went to the food store and got a bunch more shit.lol and then i had to come home and put it all away..then i started laundry and cleaned some more..then i got lazy and laid around.lol

well then my sissy came on and i told her about me and jim kinda spatting..and then me and her had a huge fight bc im an idiot. sometimes i am really stupid and just blurt shit out..well while fighting with her...and it got ugly..jim came on. and of course he wants to know whats going on..bc i am all pissy...and i told him i didnt wanna talk about it..but he kept pushing..so i told him.. then he starts yelling at me..my sister signed off..and im like fucking christ. so i told jim i dont need this right now and then i go and call my sissy.

and that was probably the most god awful experience in my life. ok well one of them. she was crying her little eyeballs out. and it was my fault. and it made me feel so shitty. i felt like shit on someones shoe. i started crying too. i hate that i made her cry. im an asshole. and after about 10 emotional minutes....it was all better. then i come back up on here, and fight with jim bc he doesnt like anyone knowing his business...are you fucking kidding me..it barely had anything to do with him. but he apologized and said hes been very angry lately and he was sorry.

so after all that stress..i went and got intoxicated...yayyyy.lol and came home told my sissy i love her and passed out. woke up at 6am. ewwww...and now i am helping jim play name that tune for the 25 cds i sent him. fun fun fun.

5 days till jersey...what whatttt!lol

blahh

2005-12-17T07:00:00.000-05:00

it is 7am and i am actually awake. something very wrong with this picture. sighhh...so anyway i have been off from work since weds. and i am so bored. lol thats the only problem with having alot of time off..i get restless. i mean there is stuff i could be doing....but i dont want to do that.lol un fortunately i need to clean the house at some point. i leave for nj in 6 days and god knows the second im not here sue will be here snooping. so at least the house will be clean...nosy bitch.

i talked to jim on the election day...so he is alive and well. which makes me happy. the other day i made the mistake of asking jim what qualities his perfect girl would consist of. and he said me without the meaness...well then i pushed and asked if he meant that or just said it to avoid a fight. and then he said i could lose some weight. i stared at this comp screen for about 5 minutes before i could say ok goodnight.lol i was so pissed. apparently the fact that i ve been trying does count. the fact that i already lost 50lbs..pshhh who cares. fucker. he said i dont look the same as when we met. well shit he doesnt either. and i made sure to let him know..he aint thin either. then i asked what the erfect weight would be and he said he didnt knomw. and i said like my sister and hes like yea. sighhh...i hate men

laddy dahhh

2005-12-15T09:09:00.000-05:00

ok so it is 9:11am. and i am at home. see the funny thing is that today and tomorrow is inventory. now when they had the paper up, they asked for "volunteers". now i didnt volunteer. but see they didnt put the fact that if you didnt volunteer...you wouldnt be allowed to come in at all. fuckers. whatever. its supposed to snow anyway.

so one week from tomorrow i will be in nj!! yayyyyyyyy! im so excited. you know what really irritates me..is that people steady pick on jersey. and that pisses me off. everytime i think that i have heard it all..i hear something new. the other day someone said Zoo jersey. and had a bunch of other shit. so i was irritated. then yesterday this moron at work said something about he heard girls from jersey were trashy. and then he goes, but i dont think they are trash...trash gets picked up. i dont get it. lol but i kicked his ass.lol i found a tshirt made by jersey peeps and it says welcome to new jersey, the garden state. and then underneath it it says...yea...we dont like you either. lmmfao. i need to get it. haha..fuckers

me and jim have had a good couple of talks. i didnt talk to him last night. but the days before were great. i was full of love and we got along good. heres some snippets. lol i know how you guys love snippets. maybe thats why some of you dont visit anymore...lol j/k i know that everyone is busy bc of the fact that xmas is coming. anywhere here is some love.

jiminiraq2005 (8:18:32 PM): i love you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (8:18:38 PM): i love you
jiminiraq2005 (8:18:43 PM): love you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (8:18:48 PM): love you
jiminiraq2005 (8:18:52 PM): love you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (8:18:58 PM): love you too
jiminiraq2005 (8:19:06 PM): thats good
jiminiraq2005 (7:30:24 PM): i love you forever and ever'

JeRzEeGrLiNmD (7:07:47 PM): i miss you so much
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (7:07:54 PM): i just wanna love you
jiminiraq2005 (7:07:57 PM): i miss you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (7:08:00 PM): i know
jiminiraq2005 (7:08:05 PM): i want you to too

JeRzEeGrLiNmD (6:41:13 PM): what would your perfect girlfriend be? like what qualities would she have
jiminiraq2005 (6:41:48 PM): just lije you
jiminiraq2005 (6:41:54 PM): minus the mean
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (6:42:08 PM): really? you think i am perfect when i am nice?
jiminiraq2005 (6:42:53 PM): yea
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (6:43:00 PM): awwww
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (6:43:05 PM): thats so sweet
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (6:43:19 PM): but i just want to point out
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (6:43:35 PM): that in the very beginning..you told me had i not been a bitch you would never have talked to me
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (6:43:49 PM): just to justify a little bit of my meaness
jiminiraq2005 (6:43:59 PM): ok
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (6:44:09 PM): but thank you baby for saying i am the perfect girlfriend when im not psychotic
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (6:44:12 PM): i love you
jiminiraq2005 (6:44:24 PM): love you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (6:44:29 PM): im so happy
jiminiraq2005 (6:44:36 PM): good
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (6:44:37 PM): i wish i could squeeze you
jiminiraq2005 (6:44:43 PM): me too
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (6:44:51 PM): you in need of a good hug?
jiminiraq2005 (6:45:28 PM): yea
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (6:45:36 PM): awwww
JeRzEeGrLiNmD (6:45:42 PM): i really wish i could give it to you
jiminiraq2005 (6:45:49 PM): me too

ok and remember everyone to pray! thanks

please help me...

2005-12-12T17:54:00.000-05:00

hello all. i know some of you follow this war stuff as it is hard not to. but if not..this week is the elections in iraq. it is a very important thing to the troops coming home early. so i ask all of you to please pray that all goes well so jim can come home soon. this also includes that hopefully the bad guys dont go completely beserk and kill a lot of people..thus also insuring my love comes home. i would greatly aprreciate it. you know how much he means to me as well as his friends and of course all of the troops.

other than that i have no witty sarcastic stories to tell. life is dull.lol although that guy at work that told me to fuck off the other day...i told him if he ever said that to me again i would knock him the fuck out. and i know he knows im serious bc he looked kinda scurt!lol

holy shit am i bored

2005-12-11T14:31:00.000-05:00

good god i am so bored. i think all i have really done this weekend is sleep. lol i cant say i have done much else. blah blah blah.lol i forgot to tell you yesterday about my snow day. i was just so damn depressed i couldnt think.

so it snowed..you know the day after i worked 18 hours. well for some reason i got up at like 8 or something after going to bed at like 2. i woke up feeling dead. but i couldnt seem to go back to sleep. then i came on here and posted..

anyway, i decided i wanted mcdonalds..but i had to go to the bank. i was feeling antsy and decided to brave the snow. so out we were to go. there wasnt that much snow on the ground..but these dumb motherfuckers keep parking right at the end of my driveway. so the snow plow guys have to go around the stupid cars. which means all the snow goes in my driveway. well...dumbass i am... i go thinking i can make it out of the driveway..yea...no.lol i went down the driveway fine...till the very end where the snow plow left the other snow. i had snow from the ground to the top of the underneath of my car. i was stuck. now austin was stitting in the car laughing his ass off at me as i shoveled underneath the car. so i would shovel a bunch..and then try to get out. and i was still stuck. did this for about a half hour. then some nice neighbors came over and helped push me out. austin tried to act like he wasnt still laughing..but i knew better. lol then we went to happy harrys bc breakfast was over at mcdonalds..dammit...and got a ton of junk food. lol

then me and jim fought and i went to randis..and that was bout it. yesterday i went to randis for a little and played with a little baby. god i love babies. i can tell pms is coming to kick my ass..bc of all the drama with jim. and the fact i asked him if we could make babies when he gets home. when i know i DO NOT want anymore babies!!

anyway, thats bout it. now im being bored. waiting for my lover to come on. he wasnt on last night..but im hoping he will be today

and i heard him say....

2005-12-10T09:29:00.000-05:00

hello hello. well it seems i have lost my damn mind. me and jim didnt fight yesterday..exactly. but it wasnt a great talk. im starting to think that im not good for him over there. i beleive that the reasons we fight is me. he is so angry and stuff and just says shitty things and sometimes i cant hold back although i know inside i need to.

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i just dont feel the damn love
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i need to go smoke
jiminiraq2005: sorry
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: ill brb
jiminiraq2005: why
jiminiraq2005: no
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: bc im so mad
jiminiraq2005: dont go
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: god
jiminiraq2005: god
jiminiraq2005: and
jiminiraq2005: ok
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i dont wanna talk to you anymore if this is how its gonna be all the time
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: it does nothing good for either of us
jiminiraq2005: ok
jiminiraq2005: how can it be fixed
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i dont know anymore
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im feeling like it will never be fixed
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i love you so much and i dont want to fight with you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but it seems like thats all that happens
jiminiraq2005: it is
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and it kills me
jiminiraq2005: me too
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: do you think we shouldnt be together anymore?
jiminiraq2005: why so you sask me what do you think
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: no you answer me first
jiminiraq2005: you answer me
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: sometimes i feel like we shouldnt be together
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but i love you too much to let you go
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: id rather fight every day with you then never have you at all
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: if that makes sense
jiminiraq2005: i dont liek fighting
jiminiraq2005: i love you too
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: so you would rather not have me?
jiminiraq2005: i dont know
jiminiraq2005: i love you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i love you too
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but would you rather not have me then fight with me?
jiminiraq2005: i dont knwo
jiminiraq2005: what do you think
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: its not what i think jim
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i want you to tell me what you think
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i answered my part
jiminiraq2005: so did i
jiminiraq2005: what do you think
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: no you didnt
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you just said you love me
jiminiraq2005: yes then you asked another question involving my answer
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: ok so you would rather not have me?
jiminiraq2005: see i said
jiminiraq2005: i love you
jiminiraq2005: i dont like fighting
jiminiraq2005: ythen you asked
jiminiraq2005: would you rather not hve me then figt
jiminiraq2005: waht do you think
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: that you think the same as me?
jiminiraq2005: yea
jiminiraq2005: so what do you think
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: baby i started this conversation
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i already said what i think
jiminiraq2005: ok
jiminiraq2005: so did i
jiminiraq2005: then you asked anotherr questuion
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: dammit
jiminiraq2005: so asked you what you think again
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i love you so much and i know we have a godd thing
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: do you think we do?
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: like under normal circumstances?
jiminiraq2005: ea
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: like if you were home would you think so badly of us together?
jiminiraq2005: i think you hete that i dont have time to think
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i knew the very first time i saw you that i wanted to be with you
jiminiraq2005: i have to stay a liv eso i can get home
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and i know i want to be with you forever
jiminiraq2005: i know you were pesistant
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: before we were even us i knew i loved you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and i would forever
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and i mean it
jiminiraq2005: ok
jiminiraq2005: you hate that i amnot always thinking about you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: is me being persistent the only thing i had going for me beside my tits
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i do
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but i understand that you cant
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i really do even though it doesnt seem that way
jiminiraq2005: and that what starts fights
jiminiraq2005: you put me on the spot to anser auestions i dont think about
jiminiraq2005: and then get mad when i cant answer them
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but love
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: it shouldnt be that hard to answer some of them
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: it really shouldnt
jiminiraq2005: ok
jiminiraq2005: im sorry
jiminiraq2005: i an
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i know
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i guess you are right
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: it kills me that it seems like you never think of me
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and all i do is think of you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: maybe we shouldnt talk anymore
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i dont want to be the reason you get hurt
jiminiraq2005: thats funy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i dont want to be what your parents said i would be
jiminiraq2005: for some reason
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: whats funny
jiminiraq2005: you saying we shouldnt talk
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: why?
jiminiraq2005: i dont knwo i smerked a liitle
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: well it shouldnt have made you laugh
jiminiraq2005: sorry
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: are you laughing bc you think im not serious?
jiminiraq2005: yea
jiminiraq2005: about he no more talking
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i dont want to stress you out so much that you get hurt
jiminiraq2005: ok
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but it seems like thats all im good for
jiminiraq2005: i wont i know the diffence from this and working
jiminiraq2005: when i go out its gotime
jiminiraq2005: the only time we have bad days is when we dont have anything to talk about
jiminiraq2005: are you ther
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im here
jiminiraq2005: what are you doing
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im just staring at the screen
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i want you home
jiminiraq2005: i though you wernt upset
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i dont know what i am
jiminiraq2005: i think youare tiered
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: no
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im tired of being alone
jiminiraq2005: you need soem dick
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and im tired of the computer
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and oo yea i need that
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: definitely need that
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but i need some love
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and i really think that is my problem
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i cant love you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i know you arent a romantic person
jiminiraq2005: i cant help you sorry
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i know you dont say sweet things
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and i know all this
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but when you are here
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i can feel it
jiminiraq2005: if me and you werent me and you you could do what youa want

and it just goes on and on...sighhhh

have i said lately i hate bush? bc i really fucking do. i dopnt know how much more i can take. i just want him home with me.

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: why are you always trying to break up with me?
jiminiraq2005: so you arnt like this
jiminiraq2005: cause i dont liek being resposable for you bsing like this
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: baby do you really think i would be happier if i wasnt with you?
jiminiraq2005: i dont know
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: all i want is you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: noone else will ever be to me what you are
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: if i cant have you i dont want anyone
jiminiraq2005: ok
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: please dont ever say that to me again

sigh

woooooooeeeeeeee

2005-12-09T08:05:00.000-05:00

good morning boys and girls. it is 8:05am and im at home. horrayyyyyy. i pulled an 18 hour shift yesterday so i wouldnt have to work today. and its a good thing too bc it is very snowy and crpa outside. i hate snow. alot. lol

i came home last night and i was BEAT!!!! and i satayed up till about2ish and i can't beleive i am awake..but i plan on going to bed very soon.again.hahaha

me and jim had a rough day the other day. i hate him being there. he is so angry these days. he cursed at me and upset me very much. he doesnt ever curse at me. he said f you to me. i cried my eyeballs out. he has nevr said that to me. i didnt like it at all. he said all i do is pick fights and blah blah blah. but whatever. i dont wanna talk about that. then i go into work yesterday and this other guy cursed at me. he told me to f off. i was like motherfucker.......so i played a girl in distress and got him in trouble and he was forced to come apologize to me. i didnt say anything to him. so then he was mad. hehe asshole. wait till i tell jim some dude cursed at me. he will be mad. lol. oh well

today will be well spent eating junk food and playing video games with my son. wooooooo-weeeeee.lol i suppose i may have to shovel too. but my body is too wore out from my double last night so i dont think i will today....yea...we will go with that.lmao

i will be around to visit you all today....and with that some sweet jim words....

jiminiraq2005: i love y9u
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i love you
jiminiraq2005: i love you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i love you
jiminiraq2005: no no
jiminiraq2005: i love you

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: jim
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: tell me one thing nice right now
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: one thing that you love about me that you miss the most
jiminiraq2005: your eyes
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: why my eyes?
jiminiraq2005: looking at me

and then it all went to hell. i didnt get to talk to him yesterday. but he left me to messages. none of which said sorry. sighh

14 days till i go to jersey!!!! wooohoooooo

hello all

2005-12-06T06:44:00.000-05:00

dammit it didnt snow nearly as much as they said it was gonna. dammit all to hell. now i have to go to work. late...but still.

anyway, not much else to report. jim finally got my box that i sent him with those pictures in it.lol heres some bits and pieces of our chat.

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: did the box still smell like me?
jiminiraq2005: my area still smells
jiminiraq2005: i like
jiminiraq2005: we all like
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lmao
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im glad i could make everyone happy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: it wasnt too strong?
jiminiraq2005: it wasnt strong enough
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: well damn
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: that little teddy bear was covered in it. i sprayed the hell out of it
jiminiraq2005: me and bierman sleep in the sme area and it smells like a girl is living here
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol is that good?
jiminiraq2005: its great
jiminiraq2005: i loved your pictures they were sexy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im so glad
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: yesss

then we were talking about the pics i sent him...the naughty ones..hehe

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: ok which one do you think i look pretty in...you know not worrying about titties and ass
jiminiraq2005: i liek all of them love
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you think i look pretty in all of them?
jiminiraq2005: yea pretty much
jiminiraq2005: i lliek all of them you look good in all of them
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: :-*
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: well thanks baby
jiminiraq2005: quincy just seen them he said
jiminiraq2005: i have to leave i shouldnt be thinking these thoughts about your girlfriend

lol and then a chat on the new angry jim

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you know im thinking maybe when you come out we shouldnt go out drinking for a little while
jiminiraq2005: yea right
jiminiraq2005: ill be an alcoholic
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you can be an alchie love
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but we should stay home and drink
jiminiraq2005: we will see
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: baby at the rate im going dropping weight
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im gonna be hot when you get home
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and i am scared to go out and some dude comes up on me
jiminiraq2005: ok
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and you flip a shit
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and get arrested
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: that wouldnt be good
jiminiraq2005: it would be fun
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: no
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: it would not
jiminiraq2005: for me
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: no love
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: we cant be having that
jiminiraq2005: ok
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: what if some dude comes up on me and slaps my ass
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: which i must say is looking good these days
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: what would you do?
jiminiraq2005: we will ahve to see
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: what do you think would happen
jiminiraq2005: ill slap the shit out of him

lol i love him soo much

owwwwwwwww

2005-12-04T10:50:00.000-05:00

ok first off i would like to say if you havent already read the last two posts please do so as they are important to me!! k thanks.lol ;)

now on to today.....owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. so last night was a drinking night. i went to randis earlier in the day as she was having a bday party for her daughter. all the other kids parents came and dropped their kids off and left. so i was like..damn right im going to. i felt like dying my hair bc these grey hairs are killing me. im only 25 and i have all this damn grey hair. pisses me off. so i went to go get some hair dye. now i always dye my hair a reddish tint. if i am gonna dye my hair and ruin it, its gonna be a cool color not my own.lol so i did chocolate cherry. which is an old favorite. anyway, so i did that and god it looks so great. i forgot how nice it looks on me. anyway, so in the process of doing all this i was jamming and shaking my ass. woohooooo.lol and i was like...oh austin is going to grammas tonight bc i am gonna get drunk as hell and shake my ass!! so after i blow dried my hair and did make up and i was a hot momma, i went to pick up austin. and i told randi i was gonna take austin to grammas and she was like ok well i will take jessa to her grans. and we did so. randi wasnt really feeling the whole drinking and dancing thing but thats bc she is a true alchie. she drinks every damn day. but i danced my ass off! my whole body is sore. but hey i know i got a good workout.

when i first turned 21 we went clubbing every thursday friday and sat. and danced our asses off. and i would have to say that was the best shape i have ever been in. everyone told me i would get fat going out drinking so much but i lost a lot of weight and i was all toned. i am a good dancer. full of energy and i dont ever stop. lol i dance song after song after song. lol

yea but i hurt today. my abs are the most sore. and my thighs a little. but this is a good thing!!

sorry

2005-12-03T11:30:00.000-05:00

sorry my loves. i know i have been neglecting you all. but there really hasnt been much going on to write about. and lately i dont have much time to actually read all of your blogs. i stop in when i can. jim is on a new shift which means as soon as i get home i talk to him until about 7 30 at night juggling dinner and homework and a shower in there too. by the time i get done with him i have shows on tv and the weekedns now that xmas is coming are busy as hell. but once the holiday passes i promise to be more attentive.

yesterday was austins birthday. he turned 7. holy shit where does the time go. 7 years ago yesterday i was in labor..all by myself....talking on the phone for 3 hours and then he came out. i was newly 18 and i lived in florida while all my family lived in nj. but it was an interesting experience. lol. we had a small little party here last night for him. he was happy with the results.

had a little chat with jim the other day that made me happy

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: yea so the army thing....
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i would really love it if you dont re enlist
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i know you want that money
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but is it worth it?
jiminiraq2005: im still listening
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im asking you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: is it worth it
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: just for the money?
jiminiraq2005: i dont knwo
jiminiraq2005: not really
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i dont wanna be an army girlfriend anymore
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: it doesnt do anything good for us
jiminiraq2005: its only 15000 dollars
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: yea but last time you were like..well it is 15000 dollars thats half a car
jiminiraq2005: over 6 years its not alot
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: nope
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and i would really like to spend alot more time with you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: on a regular basis
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: not in between deployments
jiminiraq2005: i know
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and i would really love it if that was important to you too
jiminiraq2005: it is
jiminiraq2005: want you to be hapy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i want you to be happy too lover.. i know it doesnt sound that way
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but i know for me.... i cant do it again
jiminiraq2005: i knwo
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im not capable of waiting again
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you are my glue
jiminiraq2005: you said that be fore look at you now
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: what do you mean?
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: like bc i am waiting?
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: yea..but this is not fun..i dont like it..
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: every night i go to bed and tell god and my mom to keep you safe
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and i hate it
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you should be next to me
jiminiraq2005: you said you souldnednt do it agaion look at you now
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: ok well i really dont think i can do it again
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and i dont want to
jiminiraq2005: ok
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: does that influence you at all?
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: like i mean like..does that..damn i dont know the words i want
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i love that you love army
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but i hate army
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i hate that you are unsafe
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and i hate being away from you
jiminiraq2005: i am safe
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and i hate how it feels like all we do is fight everytime you go away
jiminiraq2005: and im with you in spirits
jiminiraq2005: if there is a thing like spirits
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i know what you mean
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but i dont want spirits
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i want like body
jiminiraq2005: i can cut off my arm and send it home and you can snuggle with that
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: ewww
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol such a smart ass
jiminiraq2005: thata body
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: if you are gonna cut something off give me something useful
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: ;-)
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im serious though baby
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im ready for us to start our life together
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: without interuptions
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i would like to do that when you get back
jiminiraq2005: ok
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: ok like yes? or ok like you hear me?
jiminiraq2005: i hear you and that is probably a good guess on what is going to happen
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: so is it like a good guess like i can get excited?
jiminiraq2005: why do youneed to get exicted
jiminiraq2005: i have not made my mind up
jiminiraq2005: but
jiminiraq2005: im leaning tords being done

i know i shouldnt get excited....and maybe it seems wrong to some of you...but you arent me..and you arent living like i am now. so no lectures please.

i love my baby!

my goofball

2005-11-30T18:04:00.000-05:00

i made jim send me more pics

god hes so beautiful i miss him

lmao..dumbass.

i dont know why these are so friggin huge.

god i love him so much

2005-11-27T21:11:00.000-05:00

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: what do you hate most about being there?
jiminiraq2005: being away form you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: good answer
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but is that truly what you hate most?
jiminiraq2005: i dont knwo
jiminiraq2005: tahts about it
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: really?
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you really miss me that much?
jiminiraq2005: you are the only thing i have to miss

i didnt get to talk to him as much as i wouldve liked. but i have to say for the most part our chats were nice. god i miss him so much. i wish he was here now. i need someone to hold me

im soooo bored!!!!

2005-11-26T09:51:00.000-05:00

the bad thing of having 4 days off of work is i get so damn bored!!!! like there is a million things i could do, but i dont want to do those things.lol like clean and laundry and crap. but that sucks.lol i wanna do something fun. i wish jim was here. i could go for a 4day romp. sighh

speaking of jim i havent heard from him in awhile. :( not since weds. its now saturday. boooooo. i hope he's ok.

nothing much else going on. i didnt really do a whole lot of interesting things to write about.....so im gonna see what i can dig up from me and jim talks...

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: so how are you?
jiminiraq2005: much better now taht i am talk ing to you

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: wish you couldve been here
jiminiraq2005: me too
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: we couldve had a nice day
jiminiraq2005: evry day with you is nicew
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: awww
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i love you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you dont have to lie
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol
jiminiraq2005: im not lying
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i know life with me is not all peaches and cream
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but i love that you say it is
jiminiraq2005: who said it was peaches and cream i dont like pwaches or cream anyway
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you said every day with me is nice
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i know its not
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im like the devil sometimes
jiminiraq2005: ok
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: say im not
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: anyway
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: can you beleive its been 4 years
jiminiraq2005: your mnot
jiminiraq2005: no
jiminiraq2005: i canst
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: its been fun huh?
jiminiraq2005: can you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: no
jiminiraq2005: i love you
jiminiraq2005: happy day
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i love you forever and ever
jiminiraq2005: i dont know how to spell annversy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: its ok i know what you mean
jiminiraq2005: i love you eever
jiminiraq2005: tahts why i just say happy day
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: not looking at the keys huh?
jiminiraq2005: esy words
jiminiraq2005: im looking
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: baby did you ever think we would make it this far?
jiminiraq2005: i told you years ago that we would be together for ever love
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you really beleive we will be?
jiminiraq2005: why would i say it

ok thats it for now

ok im back

2005-11-24T12:23:00.000-05:00

i wasn;t gone too long. lol..im still way stressed..but i can write now. i still cant tell you what set me off. im not allowed. it has to do with jim..but its like top secret shit apparently. and i dont wanna talk about it. i want to pretend it never happened. ok? so dont ask.

but besides that me and jim fought all night along with the secret stuff. it was an awful day..i cried all night long and the next day too. it was awful. im feeling better..although i wish he was here next to me right now instead of me sitting here for the third day making him the 27th cd. im tired of making these damn things. but whatever keeps him happy. i did read on the yahoo news that they will most likely start pulling troops out after the elections. i asked jim if he'd heard anything about it and he said something about may. so that made me happy. it seems like we fight alot when he is away. and i think thats bc we cant seem to understand each others situations. i have been trying really hard not to fight with him..but it doesnt always work. sighh. this happened when he was gone last time. im a mess without him. and i am selfish too. i will admit it. but what can you do. everyone please pray for my lover to come home soon before i have a real breakdown. oh and that he makes it here safely and stuff!!

have a happy turkey day everyone!

and then it all fell apart......

2005-11-21T21:07:00.000-05:00

i dont feel like blogging..for awhile.

everything has turned to shit. i dont want to talk about it

good god!!

2005-11-19T10:38:00.000-05:00

yea ok so first off i would like to say that i forgot to say happy anniversary to my blog. it has been a year. some of you have been with me for awhile. some of you are new. i love all of you!!!!!!! ok

yea so..all of you who were worried about my new drinking habbit...lol..well..last night was a rough nite. i would have to say i dont remember much of it at all. past like 7pm. very intoxicated. i spent alot of time throwing up and at one point there was blood in it. so yea...no more drinking for this weekend. i woke up severely bruised and my stomach muscles are killing me from i guess throwing up so much. not to mention all the bruises i have aquired. but i know the part i do remember of last night...was alot of fun!! me and randi took alot of fun pictures for jims birthday which is next month. i was a scantily clad army chick. i love the boots. lmao. they should be hot!!

today i feel god awful. my whole friggin body hurts, i feel sick, i think i may still be drunk if thats at all possible. and im hoping for jim to hurry up and get on the comp so i can go back to sleep.

just a few more days till turkey day!!woohooooooo

happy anniversary to us

2005-11-16T16:12:00.000-05:00

today is me and jims 4 year anniversary. and i havent heard from him in days. i wonder if he even knows its our anniversary. sigh

so here is our special song....

When you feel it in your body
You found somebody who makes you change your ways
Like hanging with your crew
Said you act like you're ready
But you don't really know
And everything in your past - you wanna let it go

I've been there, done it, fucked around
After all that - this is what I found
Nobody wants to be alone
If you're touched by the words in this song
Then baby...

U got, u got it bad
When you're on the phone
Hang up and you call right back
U got, u got it bad
If you miss a day without your friend
Your whole life's off track
You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
You don't wanna have fun
It's all you think about
U got it bad when you're out with someone
But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else
U got it bad

When you say that you love 'em
And you really know
Everything that used to matter, don't matter no more
Like my money, all my cars
(You can have it all back)
Flowers, cards and candy
(I do it just cause I'm...)
Said I'm fortunate to have you girl
I want you to know
I really adore you
All my people who know what's going on
Look at your mate, help me sing my song
Tell her I'm your man, you're my girl
I'm gonna tell it to the whole wide world
Ladies say I'm your girl, you're my man
Promise to love you the best I can

See I've been there, done it, fucked around
After all that - this is what I found
Everyone of y'all are just like me
It's too bad that you can't see
That you got it bad...hey

U got, u got it bad
When you're on the phone
Hang up and you call right back
U got, u got it bad
If you miss a day without your friend
Your whole life's off track
You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
You don't wanna have fun
It's all you think about
U got it bad when you're out with someone
But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else
U got it bad

some people say that it isnt a good song to have as "your" song. but those poeple just dont understand it.

i love you jim...for life 11/16/01- forever

yadda yadda yadda

2005-11-14T18:16:00.000-05:00

not too much more to report. the weekend is a blur. i drank ashit load of vodka and got extremely trashed. i know some of you are worried about my alcohol content..but dont. i am ok. just having fun. i dont remember the ends of both saturday and friday. but i had a great time. i made my basement into a small club.lmao. we danced our asses off. very good workout.

talked to jim a few times. no sweet stuff to report. mostly dirtiness. which im sure most of you dont care to see anyway.

i made my boss feel really bad and now he will be buying me a turkey on friday!! yayyyy!! its a plus when you are a girl who can cry fake alligator tears. only fake bc i am full of happy drugs. i started taking prozac so i can be a happy vanessa. so in order to cry i had to give myself a pinch.lol otherwise i can cry on cue. lol

and thats all the news

got drunk....like alot

2005-11-12T10:40:00.000-05:00

just bc it seems appropriate..i have copied the lyrics to this song.

I walked in the band just stunk
The singer couldn't carry a tune in a bucket
Was on a mission to drown her memory but
I thought no way with all this raucous

But after one round with Jose Cuervo
I caught my boots tapping long with the beat
And after two rounds with Jose Cuervo
That band was sounding pretty darn good to me

Then some stranger asked me to dance
And I revealed to her my two left feet
Said don't get me wrong I'm glad you asked
But tonight's about me and an old memory

Then after three rounds with Jose Cuervo
I let her lead me out on the floor
And after four rounds with Jose Cuervo
I was showing off moves never seen before

Well around five or round six
I forgot what I came to forget
And after round seven or was it eight
I bought a round for the whole damn place

And after nine rounds with Jose Cuervo
They were countin' me out I was about to give in
And after ten rounds with Jose Cuervo
I lost count and started counting again

One round with Jose Cuervo
Two rounds with Jose Cuervo
Three rounds with Jose Cuervo

lmao. now stick smirnoff orange vodka in there...and that was me last night. good god do i feel rough. i cant remember the end of the night at all. not what time randi and her man left here. not what i watched on tv. not what time i went to bed. nothing. nothing at all. except drinking a helluva lot. me randi and her man friend went through a bottle and half of vodka. good god. and we will do it again tonight!!

damn it all to hell

2005-11-10T17:06:00.000-05:00

yea so you know it couldnt be all cotton candy and flowers forever. bc thats not the way my life works.

so i was having a lovely day. then 10:20 came. now last month at work they made us bust our asses to get all this shit done. kept saying if we hit this mark we will get a $200 bonus. we hit the mark. so i asked bossman when are we getting the bonus. he said this week or last week. so i have been counting on that money for awhile4. i was gonna get austin an early bday present. and i was gonna get jim presents. and i was gonna get all my thanksgiving day stuff with it too.

well today was the second week of when " we would get our bonus checks". no check. i questioned it. bossman was an asshole filled with sarcasm. and yea we arent getting that bonus till january. no turkey day for me. i was so pissed. i flipped out on him. i had to go to the bathroom or i was gonna get fired. so now all my plans are ruined for turkey day. i dont have any extra money for it. sighhh

life sucks

if jim was here everything would be great.

blah blah sleepy blah blah

2005-11-08T18:58:00.000-05:00

not a whole lot to report really. randi has undumped me. she had her mental breakdown and i told her how she sucked. but in alot more words. haha..you know how i do. so thats all better. although she has met a guy..so she may not be around too long. whatever i dont care.

i have been under attack with the spiders. i was attacked 2 more times over the weekend..and yesterday. well not really attacked..but close enough. i think i may have pissed off the spider gods..bastards things

i am extremely exhausted. i have been getting up every night at like 11:20pm after going to bed at 9 pr 10 top get up and talk to jim on the copmputer. i guess i cant complain bc i dont HAVE to get up. i do it so we can talk during the week. this is a new thing. but anyway i get up at 11 and stay up till 2am. then go to sleep and get up at 5:50am. which is killing me. i need alot of sleep to function at work. im not functioning well. i cant wait till he changes shifts again. no good conversations to report. well one but you have to go to the dirty blog to read it.

so yea, im tired and my body hurts. alot. i could use a good massage..head to toe.

and yea..thats it. sorry im so dull. but you know..thats how it goes here in the country. lol

a little bit blah

2005-11-06T10:32:00.000-05:00

yea so nothing is going on around here. i am sitting here right now hoping jim comes on here soon. bc i got wayyyy intoxicated last night while cleaning the basement..and passed out like 10 minutes before he got on the comp. i know it sucks. so i am hoping that he is coming on here soon bc i am getting tired of sitting at this damn computer. i have decided to clean the hell out of the house. keeps me busy. i have thrown out a ton of shit.lol mostly jims stuff..hehehe..but its all shit thats just junk. nothing he will be too upset about.

and thats life. sorry i dont have much else to say

a happy post for once

2005-11-01T19:00:00.000-05:00

so right this very second i am talking to jim. and have been for the last 3 hours and 10 minutes. i am a happy camper. yayyyy

first off let me just start by telling you...a very large yucky spider just crawled over my face.ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww i hate spiders. like alot. all sizes..all kinds. yucky. i about flipped a shit when i saw it was a spder. needless to say it is dead now.

ok i think my last real post was a drunken one that noone read.lol..so lets see that was friday night. saturday i told austin we would have a movie night. wed pick a bunch of our old movies, get alot of junk food and watch movies all day. and dont you know we went and got all the junk..set up the room so he could eat out by the tv too, and the fucking dvd player wouldnt open? poor kid. he was sad. but luckily monsters inc was on that night so we watched that. then me and randi had a fight and she dumped me. said i was "rubbing off on her". that i was miserable all the time and negative. and bitchy. bitchy i will claim. but negative and miserable? no. i admit i get sadlike when i dont hear from jim. but i am not negative and miserable. SHE is. shes always saying life sucks. and that me and jim will never make it. and jim loves army more than me, and men are pigs. and jims fucking a girl in iraq, and her back hurts all the time, and shes tired of the guy living with her..and blah blah blah. i am happy 95% of the time. its her thats all the other stuff. well anyway, she dumped me. so i am friendless here. im over it. shes dumb, whatever

sunday i did nothing. jims parents came here and it was relatively painless. no fights or smartass comments. oh and guess what?!?!?!?!

IM GOING HOME FOR XMAS!!! YAYYYYYYYY!!!!

me and my bibsy planned it out carefully and i will be home for the holidays. im so fucking happy!! yayy

and for a sweet lovey jim and vanessa moment....:

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: baby i really dont wanna be surprized
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i want you to tell me when you are coming home
jiminiraq2005: why
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: so i can be there to get you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: why do you wanna surprize me so much? you didnt like it last time
jiminiraq2005: its fun
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: why is it fun?
jiminiraq2005: dont know
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i dont wanna surprize
jiminiraq2005: itas fun
jiminiraq2005: you like it
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: not these days baby
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i am unamused
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i want to be there the second you can go home
jiminiraq2005: when tis is over ill be home for good
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: yea right
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: maybe for a year if im lucky
jiminiraq2005: why do you say that
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: bc even when you come home you arent truly done with the army
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: they can make you go back again
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and you may re-enlist
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: ??????
jiminiraq2005: why do you say that
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: what that you may re-enlist
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: bc i really beleive you will
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you love army whether you wanna tell me or not
jiminiraq2005: why'JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you made that clear when you were here on break
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i dunno why you love it
jiminiraq2005: me either
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and even the last time we talked you got upset bc you thought i was making you choose
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: so if it seems you have to "choose" which you love more and you dont like that thought...then obviously you love it
jiminiraq2005: i dont know
jiminiraq2005: i really dont like it now
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: well i hope you dont..then maybe we can actually be TOGETHER forever
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i hate being away from you. i dont want to make you choose..but i cant do this any more..and i wont
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i cant be alone like this..it makes me crazy
jiminiraq2005: im sorry
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: dont be sorry baby
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: its not your fault
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: its like you said.. i knew you were in the army when we got together
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im sorry im not a stronger girl baby
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: id like to be..but im not
jiminiraq2005: i love you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: even though im weak?
jiminiraq2005: yea
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i got a question
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: if you could change stuff about me would?
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you?
jiminiraq2005: never thought about that before

and then....

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: did you read my other emails?
jiminiraq2005: ok
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: like the one about turkey day and stuff?
jiminiraq2005: yea wish i could be there
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol to watch me fuck up the turkey?
jiminiraq2005: to eat the first turkey you ever cooked
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: awww baby that was sweet
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i kinda feel like crying
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you know
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: even though you are there and its shitty for you..and i hate being alone..
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: us being apart..it makes you kinda romantic like
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i like it
jiminiraq2005: sorry
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: why are you sorry?
jiminiraq2005: messing with you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: messing with me by saying sorry? or messing with me like you arent romantic you are just pretending to be?
jiminiraq2005: saying sorry
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: ok good
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: bc i was gonna be pissed if you said the other thing
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: haha

and now a little smart ass
jiminiraq2005: its cold as hell righ tnow
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: really?
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: its actually kinda warm here
jiminiraq2005: its like 65
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: yea about that here too
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but compared to what it was its warm
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol you wanna talk about the weather?
jiminiraq2005: i was just making small talk
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: ok good job
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: now make big talk
jiminiraq2005: ITS LIKE 65 HERE COLD AS HELL
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lmmfao
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: smart ass
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you know what i meant
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: talk to me about something i care about
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i dont care about the weather
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: such a ounk
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: oops i mean punk
jiminiraq2005: im healthy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: thats good
jiminiraq2005: my pubs are long as hell
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: ewwww
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lmao

hahaha. so i am in a good mood. life is good

oh yea. i forgot. i opened up a myspace account. and i found all kinds of kids from high school. that made my day too!@

grrrrr

2005-10-31T19:25:00.000-05:00

no new news to report. just got home from trick or treating..and we got a ton of candy that i am helping eat! ;)

the queen has tagged me with a whopper of a meme. so here goes

A to Z meme
A - Age of your first kiss: 14 or 15
B - Band you are listening to right now: none
C - Crush: its way beyond a crush..my lover jim
D - Dad's name: Dickhead.....deadbeat....kurt
E - Easiest person to talk to: another dickhead...john
F - Favorite ice cream: phish food-ben and jerrys
G - Gummy worms or gummy bears: bears
H- Hometown: wayne,nj
I - Instruments: I can play a little flute and a little piano
J - Junior High: schuyler colfax
K - Kids: almost 7 year old boy. 32 more days
L - Longest car ride:From jersey to florida
M - Mom's name: tracy
N - Nicknames: ness, nesser, nessa, jersey devil, dark angel
O - One wish: for my lover to make it home in one piece and still love me
P - Phobia: spiders, bridges tunnels
Q - Quote: i dont really have one
R - Reasons to smile:Austin,bibs, my love
S - Scent: lol i dont have one favorite. i love all 30 of them
T - Time you woke up today: 5:30am
U - Unknown fact about me: i did ecstacy for a very long time when i was younger
V - Values: im not sure i have any.lol
W - Worst luck with: cars
X-rays you've had: back knees and feet
Y- Years since you've been to church: At least 4..and that was the first and only
Z- ZAP AND ZING: the sound that erin, boabahn, and chop suey feel as they are drive by tagged by a runaway jerzee. !!! MUUUAAAHHHHHH

dammit all to hell

2005-10-29T13:04:00.000-04:00

i already typed this damn post up!!or half anyway, and it fucking dissapreared. now i gotta do it again..grrrrrrrr

ok there is a drunken post from yesterday underneath here explaining my small dissapearance.

and again....i need to stop having these dreams of jim bc they are killing me. it sounds awful but i wish it would stop. bc although they are wonderful dreams i wake up and i am severely dissapointed and then become depressed. i hate having these dreams and wake up alone with no emails from him. it rips me apart. god i miss him so much.

anyway, heres the dream..we were at my house in nj..as always. i dont know why we are never here. lol even in my dreams i hate it here.lol anyway,so jim was coming home for a visit and me and his parents were waiting around for him with these other guys who i have never seen in my life but were apparently his friends. anyway, so his moms cell rings and she talks on the phone and she starts smiling and i knew he was there. so i run to the door to jump on him and he comes in all smiling big. but his mom bumps me out of the way.bitch!! anyway so after he hugs her i get him and he kisses me and hugs me and picks me up and its a great movie. then we are all in the main room hanging out and his mom says something cunt like and instead of knocking her out like i wanna..i walk away to my room. his parents seem to appear out of nowhere to bitch me out and then jim comes out of nowhere and stands in front of me and tells them to leave me alone. his mom dissapears and then his dad glares at me and then gets all teary eyed and looks at jim and shakes his head and leaves. so we continue on to be lovey and stuff and then he says something i cant really remember all of it but this part......"blah blah blah for xmas" and i am feeling confused for a minute and then i look up with a big smile and i say are you gonna be home for xmas and he shows me his big handsome smile and im so happy and in love... and then i wake up. to be all alone...with nothing. makes the day depressing. this is the third dream this week. im not sure how many more i can take. sighh

stolen from the queen

Name someone with the same birthday as you.

christina campana...girl from school

Where was your first kiss?

i beleive i was 15 or 16 and i think it was at my house or a friends.lol i guess i dont even remember. but i remember it was with eddie. i loved him so i thought then. it wasnt very good.lol

Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?

Not yet.lol

Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?

ive hit alot of people..lol of the opposite sex. but like really really hit..oh yea.

Have you ever sang in front of a large group of people.

yes..but only when i am really drunk. people make me sing

What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?

eyes and lips

What really turns you on?

someone whispering in my ear and feeling thier hot breath on my neck and mabe running their tongue on it real quick. my neck is my weakness

What do you order at Starbucks?

i dont drink alot of coffee and i live in hillbillyville i dont even know where one is

What is your biggest mistake?

dropping out of school

Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?

yes. i have a problem with pulling out hair as well as punching and kicking things that do more damage to me then the object

Say something totally random about yourself.

i like to observe people when they think noone is looking

Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity?

well i guess its kinda a clelbrity...but though i dont like to admit it..some have said i look like monica lewinsky. but i say otherwise

Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?

damn right..some of my faves

Did you have braces?

yes

Are you comfortable with your height?

no i am too short. id like to be 5 ft 6

What is the most romantic thing someone has ever done for you?

offered to buy me a train ticket home for xmas bc he knew how much it meant to me to be home for xmas and i didnt have enough money to go

When do you know it's love?

when every thought waking or sleeping is about them. and you are more comfortable and happy with them then anyone else.

Do you speak any other languages?

i know some italian

Have you ever been to a tanning salon?

damn right. i hate being pasty white

What magazines do you read?

cosmo and in touch

Have you ever ridden in a Limo?

yes.. a few of them

Has anyone you were really close to passed away?

my mom. thats all i have to say about that

Do you watch MTV?

since i was 4

What's something that really annoys you?

attention whores and liars

What's something you really like?

i love to sing. and wish i wasnt so shy so i could do more of it. ok shy about the singing in front of people. not like really shy.lol

Do you like Micheal Jackson?

i liked him back in the days of beat it and thriller

Can you dance?

yes i can. i am a very good dancer. the drunker i am..the better i dance

What's the latest you have ever stayed up?

about 38 hours

Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance to the emergency room?

just once when i wrecked my car. i did not like it

Do you read this when someone fills them out?

yes i find them interesting

sighhh

2005-10-28T21:33:00.000-04:00

so i know some of you have been worried. im ok. i wouldnt do anything dumb. i love my loves too much. but life sure does suck. i did finally talk to jim on weds. i got an email. it didnt say much. apparently he got a virus or something and the comp is being fixed. he got on the instant messenger for a second it was like a tease. it was nice to know he was ok. but i just miss him so fucking much. i really feel like i am dying inside. i think its cuz the holidays are coming and our anniversary is coming. whatever it is it sucks ass!! not to mention work has been extremely stressful. i havent felt like posting. i dont have anything to say and i cant seem to make myself care about anything these days. im truly sorry to all my loves. i have been briefly reading all your posts so dont feel unloved. im just so shitty right now i cant offer any good advice or happy thoughts. i know you all understand. im hoping to have a good talk with jim soon and then i should be back to normal.

the only reason i am posting now is bc i am severely intoxicated. oh yea i am!! i went out with the work crew bc some people said they would buy me drinks. i am all about the free drinks. damn skippy. so 8 drinks later i was ready to fight. long story dont ask. and i came home. but not ill i got realllllly drunk.

sadly i think drinking is my only means to happiness lately. a few guys hit on me. i love when guys try to be slick when they hit on you. this guy tonight was all...yea so tough crowd...all the girls here either have a husband or boyfriend.....where's yours? are you kidding me? how pathetic is that.lol

ok off to my drunkenness

here without you baby....

2005-10-24T18:28:00.000-04:00

but your still on my lonely mind. i think about you baby and i dream about you all the time. im here without you baby..but your still with me in my dreams..and tonight its only you and me.....

big sighhhhhhhhhhh. today makes 122 days that jim has been gone. well since i saw him last anyway. roughly 278 when you take out his visit home. you would think that each month that passes i would feel stronger bc it means a month closer to him coming home. but no. im difficult you see....and i feel awful. im lonely and im miserable. im starting to feel empty without him. i feel like little pieces are wearing away inside. i cant even really describe how i feel to make you understand how awful it is. i havent heard from him since last tuesday. when i got the email last week, he said that the internet was having problems. but i hate not hearing from him. not knowing. the weekend is when i am soo ahppy bc i can talk to him. even if its only a half hour. and hes worrying me alot lately. you can tell in his emails that he is fed up. in one email he said" must be nice to do fun things. all i do is work and sleep" and another one was "i wish i had things to tell you but all thats here is bullshit. im getting frustrated with the bullshit". that..is not good. i wish i could be with him just for one hour. sighhhh. i miss him soooo much its killing me. i think i may torture myself...but whatever. i had the most beautiful dream last night, im not sure what we were doing. but we were in my nj house. in my nj room. you know all my dreams are in nj. with people from here. i dont ever have dreams in maryland...wonder what that means. anyway, and he made me the most beautiful breakfast with a flower in a vase. and laid with me in bed. and i remember being so happy in the dream. he hugged me and just laid with me. damn.. now im crying. sighhh

my weekend overall sucked. sat around all weekend hoping to hear from him. getting more and more frustrated as the days went and still nothing. i took austin to a halloween party for a little bit. i was in bed by 8 30pm friday and 11pm sat. which isnt like me. my newt died. i cried. i hit a pole and laughed hystreically. i blew a fuse in my car. yea thats about it

i think i may need to call the doctor and have him call me in a prescript for happy drugs. i think im falling apart

honorable mention

2005-10-22T20:25:00.000-04:00

so about a week ago mr geezer had a contest. i actually participated bc i could not resist this one.lol i had to add lib onto a sentence he started. here is what he started it with:

'ive pictured geezer nude under a waterfall,soaping himself gracefully.and all i could think was.......................

and then i wrote:

damn i wish i was sexypants....thats a whole lotta LOVIN there. wonder if i could talk them into a big massive hot and steamy kinky ass dirty threesome.lol

haha in which he returned with:

naughtygirl JERZZZZZZ!we bloody heart you,ya naughty little bugger
(NAUGHTYGIRL JERZZZZ youre very naughty!!!!erm,what was your address again?).

and then in my email i found this:

a little bit of sappiness

2005-10-18T17:50:00.000-04:00

haha. just cuz im missing my baby sooo much..i am going to torture you ..my friends with some love sap. lol

but first i will tell you all that so far the week is great. but tomorrow doesnt look as promising. we shall see.

ok back to the sap. so the other day i found my old journal. the one that i meet jim in. now to fully understand it all and to feel the sap..lol. now before the part where i meet jim..i was a playette. i had been hurt so much by one single guy that i decided to become a really cold and mean bitch. and i enjoyed it alot. i would have "projects". i would flirt like crazy with these guys and it was all to see if they wanted me. if they wanted to date or screw or whatever. and when i knew they did..i'd move on to someone else. in reading this journal you see all my scheming and plotting i had for all these guys. 8 in total. and you could see how much fun i was having. i wa a real bitch.lol i have no regrets. anyway,jim was one of these projects....here is some excerpts of my journal

0ct 18,01

i got a new project. a cutie ass guy in the warehouse. wooooohooooo
(lol..i dont seem much different do i?)

oct 29,01

new guy/jim

we've been hanging out after work lately. hes pretty cool. i hope to keep it going and get me at least a hook-up. this project is going well

(in the journal..all the guys are seperated in name form and the stats of the project are next to them)

oct 31,01(this is where the project seems to be lost)

i went to meet jim. he told me rumors he had heard about me. then we went driving and went to the bridge and talked for awhile. he told me in the last two days that i am cute in glasses and he has fun with me and he looks forward to going to break(we worked together) to see me. he always hugs me and stuff. i really like him. made a change in me.

nov 5,01

me and jim hung out all weekend. we cuddled and snuggled and bonded. he met my friends and they actually approved of him.

nov 18,05

so much is going on in my life. and its actually good stuff. me and jim are officially together. and its great. everything with him is great. he makes me so very happy.

nov 26,01(jim came home with me for turkey day)

the jersey vaca was great!! him came with me and austin and it was a great experience. austin told jim he loved him. it was so sweet. it was a great bonding experience for us. i think it may have brought us closer together.even being around him all that time,we still get along. we got drunk and ended up having sex. wooohooo. i feel really positive about this realtionship. i love everything about him. on the way back from nj we stopped and had sex 3 more times. im soo happy. nothing else matters anymore

nov 28,01

jim told me he thinks he loves me. which surprized the shit out of me.

ok thats enough. 11 days after me and jim were me and jim he told me he loved me. and he meant it. things got way more lovey as the time passed. so many people dont understand how i can wait for him year after year..or do the things he asks me to. but to just know him and know us..you just understand. when i read back and realized again.. that he told me he loved me so soon.. i was amazed. kinda like we were a love at first site kind of couple. i knew before he said anything that i loved him. but i was scared to say it. i had to bite my tongue. and when he finally said it.. i said ive been wanting to say it for awhile. and he said me too.

god i miss him

ohhhhhhhh

2005-10-17T17:47:00.000-04:00

what a friggin weekend!!! wooooooo. i think i forgot what it was like to hang out with gio.lol so she got here around about 10:30pm. they hit alot of traffic which made them all late. she got here and got a shower and randi came here and then we left for our girls night out. got to the bar at 11:15. i was trashed by 12am.lmao. between alaskan iced teas lemon drop shots and malibu bay breezes...good god!! i was fucked. i sang a bajillion songs..some of them country. which scares gio a bit..being i am a jersey girl not country girl.lol after we went to mcdonalds and got some grub. we left the bar at 2am. we played the radio really loud and hung out windows and i guess we went fast into the parking lot bc the guy yelled at us.lol. so we floored it out too. lol. needless to say i got in bed about 3something in the morning. still lit. i had to get up at 6:50am. i was not a happy camper. i think i was still drunk. it felt li8ke someopn glued my eyes shut and i had to pry them open. i couldnt stand without wobbling around.lol i took a shower to wake up. didnt really help. i went to work in my spongebob jammies.lol. wasnt too bad once i got there. except my eyes were like flurescent red. i looked rough and felt rough. but i made it.

i got home about 12:15pm. and we left and went to the costume store. of course austin wanted the superman one that cost like $45. no way..so he is batman...without muscles. hes happy about it though. and it only cost me $23. yayy. i found me a thing where the devil horns will come out of my forehead. its all glittery. i love gl;itter!!! and it comes with red and gold eyelashes. glittery blood and face paint. im so excited. i love halloween. i am a devil every year..gotta reperesent jersey ya know.lol anyway, i found these sunglasses that were beer mugs all foamy at the top for each eye. i had to try them on. and i was laughing the whole time and the guy at the register was like..you seem like the kind of person that can have fun anywhere doing anything arent you? and i was like mmmmm yea!!lol he was funny. after that we went to arby's. mmmmmm. while there gio and her man had drama. i hate when she has drama. it makes everyone pissy. god!!! and its always over the dumbest shit. it was french fries this time. anyway, then we came home and almost got into an accident bc of some dumb bitch. i hate dumb people.

then we got home and it was decided it was gonna be nap time bc we were supposed to go to jasons woods. well even though i was soooo tired.. i couldnt sleep. so i went downstairs and hung out with her man. who she was still not talking to. he said she was still sleeping. so i decided to let her sleep. well me and him started getting all fucked up. finally she woke up and she was pissed bc i didnt wake her up. then she was pissed bc we were fucked up. and she was super pissed!!! sometimes i hate being around her bc she is THE drama queen. making a big deal out of nothing. so she flipped out on me and him. i tried to talk to her and she was a bitch so i said fuck it. whatever..be mad. then she packed up all her shit and was gonna leave. sighhh..but eventually i fixed it. good god. anyway, we then decided to rent the amnityville horror movies instead of going out. noone was motivated.lol randi came over too. i started watching the movie...and fuck that. i came up here on the comp.lol it was too scary. the girls were downstairs screaming and shit. i went to bed about1:30am. we didnt do much yesterday. just kinda laid around.

i heard from jim. which i was glad of bc he sent nothing on saturday. and then i heard about guys getting killed in ramadi. which i think is where he is. but i heard something else on the news again today. i hope hes ok.

i miss him

this is how we do it!!!

2005-10-14T19:28:00.000-04:00

This is how we do it.
It’s friday night, and I feel all right
The party is here on the west side
So I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
Designated driver take the keys to my truck
Hit the shore ’cause I’m faded
Honeys in the street say, monty, yo we made it!
It feels so good in my hood tonight
The summertime skirts and the guys in kani
All the gang bangers forgot about the drive-by
You gotta get your groove on, before you go get paid
So tip up your cup and throw your hands up
And let me hear the party say

1- I’m kinda buzzed and it’s all because
(this is how we do it)
South central does it like nobody does
(this is how we do it)
To all my neighbors you got much flavor
(this is how we do it)
Let’s flip the track, bring the old school back
(this is how we do it)

YAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! it is friday. and im super duper happy!!!! lol my jersey friends will be here soon..we are going and getting totally trashed. and then somehow i am gonna get up in the morning and go to work for a few hours. probably still drunk. im sure theyll love that. but fuck them all. after the week i had..and they want me to work on saturday? fuck it....i'll be drunk. im soooooo excited!!!!!!!!! can you feel my enthusiasm? lol. yea so im gonna go get trashed..go to work on like 3 drunken hours of sleep. then im gonna go to work for like 5 hours..come home... and then im gonna go costume shopping and get a cd for jim. our anniversary is coming soon. and then im gonna take austin to grammas and then im gonna get trashed again!! and go to jasons woods and get the shit scared out of me.lol

my house is clean..my laundry is done..my jersey peeps are coming. and i am happy as hell!!!

have a great weekend

four years ago today....

2005-10-12T16:34:00.000-04:00

four years ago today i met my lover. it was his first day of work at the job i was working at then. i saw him and i was like damn hes fine. he was 18 and i was 21. he droive a midnight blue 2001 celica gts. hot. anyway, i talked to him a few seconds and then i went inside to find out some info on him. later i saw him on break again, and i said i found some things out about you . and he said oh yea? what? and i told him what id learned and then finished with..and i hear you are a very arrogant asshole. he said yea well i heard things about you too. and i said what? he said that you are "the pet" (which i was..the bosses pet)and that you are a big bitch.(i ran that place.lol people were scurt!) and from then on we just clicked. it wasnt long till i fell for him. he was my game. it started out that i just wanted to see if i could make him want me. if i could get this hot ass young guy wanna be with me. and i did...but in the end i wanted him too.

so happy 4 years of knowing you lover

Amazed-by Lonestar

Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away
I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams

I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me
Baby you surround me
You touch every place in my heart
Oh, it feels like the first time, every time
I want to spend the whole night in your eyes

Every little thing that you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

i love you with all my heart

ewwww

2005-10-10T18:44:00.000-04:00

hello kiddies!!

i got nothing for ya today! sorry. except that my milk went bad and i didnt realize this until after i made my soup and tried to eat it. ewwwwwww. it was a rough day. i got really trashed on sat night and then had to get up early for jim and he didnt show up till an hour and half later. i was hot!!!!!!!!!!! and then he made a new rule for me..which you will find on my dirty site. as soon as im done this.

in exciting news. i dont know how many of you spend alot of time on your comp..but i have joined a message board. i gave the link a few days ago. but now i have my own little rrom where i talk about naughty stuff. very naughty!! there are un naughty rooms that i participate in as well. its fun and you should come and sign up. in order to get in my naughty room(called jerzees bedroom) you have to be registered and send a pm (private message) to betty. so if you go and register go to the index and and scroll down to the topic that says notice board. it will tell you what you need to do!! i really hope to see you there! heres the link:

http://hostedboard.com/phpbb/index.php?mforum=itsasmallworlda

a little better

2005-10-08T13:13:00.000-04:00

first off id like to say thatmy counter says i am over a thousand visits. thanks to all my loves!! you are the best. second id like to say its almost been a year on here. and i love all of you that have been here since the early times!! you are the bestest!!!!

and CONGRATS to miss val!! she is now happily married.

nothing really to talk about today. i got really trashed last night. but i think i may have said that last night.lol

so today i am gonna post parts of my chat with jim today. god i love this man!!!!!

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i miss you baby
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: alot alot
jiminiraq2005: i miss you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: did you start on my thing yet?(jes supposed to be making me a lovey mushy emial in trade for my dirty pics)
jiminiraq2005: baby you have no idia how bad i want to do it i cant even get 5 hours of sleep a night

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you called me baby
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i love when you do stuff like that
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: makes me all smiley like a little school girl
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: hehe
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you really do miss me dont you?
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: every time i can tell you miss me is when you call me names
jiminiraq2005: i do miss you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i know
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but sometimes i dont feel like you do
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and then you call me ness or baby
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and it makes me happy
jiminiraq2005: i love you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i love you

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: gios coming next weekend
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: :-D
jiminiraq2005: you two going to screw
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: no
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: mauricio is coming too
jiminiraq2005: oh

lol hes pervy just like me

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: honey it seems like you dont care about nothing anymore
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i mean i know bc you are there and all
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but damn
jiminiraq2005: oh icare
jiminiraq2005: i care about you
jiminiraq2005: i want you to be happy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: well i know baby but i dont wanna do things that make me happy if it makes you not happy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im not that selfish
jiminiraq2005: im not nhappy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: your not happy? or did you mean unhappy?
jiminiraq2005: unhappy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: ok
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i love you booboo
jiminiraq2005: i love you

i had asked him all sorts of stuff..like can i paint our room blue,and throw out his clothes i dont like..hehe..and he just kept saying he didnt care

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: baby all i can think about is sex. and you talking to your parents at the same time really takes all the fun out of our talking
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: bc if we dont talk about sex there isnt much else to talk about
jiminiraq2005: sorry
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: sighh
jiminiraq2005: we can talk about your pussy if you want
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: hehe
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i dont wanna talk about just me
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i wanna talk about us
jiminiraq2005: ok
jiminiraq2005: thats finer
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but what if you do mess up and type the wrong thing
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: although that would be funny..
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: since your rents already think im a dirty whore
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol
jiminiraq2005: yoiuare a freak
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: oh yea i know
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but only bc of you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i was innocent until you came
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: then i had to liven it up
jiminiraq2005: i no and my parents got to see that so they no your a freak too
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol and they know you are too
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: haha
jiminiraq2005: thats allrihgt

lol i wanted to be dirty. bc my life is dull and he cant talk about his life really..

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but..do you really not care what your parents think of me? like could they ever change your mind about me?
jiminiraq2005: why
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im just asking
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i can tell your mom really doesnt like me.
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: dont say anything to them though
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: please
jiminiraq2005: i wont
jiminiraq2005: she said the house is very clean
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but stuff she says to me sometimes...i can tell that she doesnt think i am good enough for you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i told you i have been a busy bee cleaning
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: it makes the sad go away
jiminiraq2005: thas good
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: so answer the question
jiminiraq2005: no i dont care what anyone thinks you know that

i am in shock his mom said something nice about me and my cleaning..i almost fainted.lol

jiminiraq2005: i will alk dirty tio you all day

yay something to look forward to tomorrow.

have a great day!!

bc i know my flaws..

2005-10-07T21:16:00.000-04:00

so tonight..i thought i was ok. then i read a post on my bibsy's thing. it made me stress again. we had a tiff..and after lots of meaness and stuff we had a heart to heart and i cried alot. and then i drank alot of vodka. so i am numb now. its looking to be another rough weekend. and sadly vodka is my answer to that.

another fun day at work. there is this man there. he cracks me up. he has the most serious face like all the time. and the shit that comes out of his mouth fucks me up. with his straight serious face..he askes me if ill help him cheat on his wife. i think hes joking but im not positive. but hes really cool. he makes me laugh and hes always complimenting me. which is nice. its always nice to be complimented.

today the lady at work was saying something to me. i cant reme,ber what. oh i was saying how i wasnt looking forward to the weekend. and she asked why..and i said bc i go home and be alone. and its not fun without jim. that without him i dont feel complete. and she looked at me like i was crazy and asked if i was insecure. and i felt bad for her bc you could tell shed never been in love like that. it has nothing to do with insecurity. i spent so long not being loved..and to finally be loved more than i could ever dream of....and have it go away..kills me. had i never known love..id be ok. bc i wouldnt know what i was missing. does that make sense?

drunken fool is done now

another day...

2005-10-05T18:55:00.000-04:00

well today was another day of excitement. lol i started early today with the whole pissing evryone off thing. and i dont really care. lol. about 7:15am i found the boss man and asked if we were gonna be forced to listen to country everyday. bc i hate it. i dont wanna hear it. and country day is supposed to be on friday only dammit. and its been on every fucking day. i didnt say all that though. so he starts bitching at me. all i did was ask if it was gonna be everyday. i told him if it is then fine but i want a new table to work at bc i want to bring in a radio so i dont disturb the country ass department i work in . im tired of hearing it. i think if we cant all agree..turn the fucker off. but instead i asked this. and he goes oh yea sure vanessa. you can go work at that table and then work your way out too. i flipped out. "this is why i dont fucking talk to you. you dont hear a goddamn word i say....." and then he goes well soon im just gonna turn it off is that what you want. i gave him my big eyes and my biggest kool aid smile and just stared at him till he got pissed and walked off. hehe fucker..everytime i talk to him he threatens me. i dont do threats. dont fucking threaten me, that does not make me listen. so i guess he figured if he turned the radio off i would beg him to turn the country back on. fuck that!! he told evryone it was my fault there was no radio and everyone was pissed off at me. but i didnt complain about the music. just tried to arrange a way around it. yea so everyone was pissed. and i stared him down all day..bc he kept glaring at me..and i smiled so hard all day my face hurt. he was pissed. i told you i dont respond to threats..fucker!!lol

so me and my sissy had a fight last night. it seems to be a monthly thing. i read in her journal thing that she went to therapy and told the lady some big thing. something she was scared for her dad to find out. so i asked what it was. and it went downhill from there. i asked if she didnt trust me. she said no it wasnt that she just didnt want to tell me. and this bothers me. when i was young i always wished i had an older sister. and although i know she loves me and all..its just like i am a distant cousin. and i hate it. if shes in trouble or upset about something i want her to feel like she can come to me. with anything. but all i get is the basic stuff. is it greedy of me to want that? i told her i just wanna be a good older sissy. she said i was great. but if i am so great why wont she tell me anything. i may be able to help her or comfort her in a way someone else cant. this disturbs me alot. and i hate that when i talk to her that i have to walk on eggshells or she flips out on me and makes me feel crappy by not respecting her decisions. whatever. in good sissy news...she has found a boy she likes that i think may like her back. all i know is what i read of her conversations with him and he seems cool. which is good bc i wouldnt want to have to kick his ass. hehe. awwwwwwww and she told him i drive him insane. pshhh god at least make me nice before telling him im crazy. gawddd

im gonna slap her...

2005-10-04T18:52:00.000-04:00

so today started off a little rough. i guess i was really sleepy when i went to bed last night which wasnt till about 10:40pm. had to watch laguna beach.lol

yea so my alarm is set for 5:50am. i get up this early so that austin can eat before we leave. yea well i slept through the alarm and got up at 6:10. i woke up and was like fuckkkk!! bc austin is a bitch in the morning. he hates getting up and it takes him forever to get dressed and stuff and then eat. we need to leave here by 6:30. i have never slept through my alarm. in all the years ive used one. mustve been pretty tored. so with alot of bitching and "im eating as fast as i can!" we made it out only 5 minutes late. i need to be to work at 7am. the place is 17 miles away. i had to speed.

work was ok. i kept thinking it was monday all day long. which is ok.the day was decent. but for punishment for what was said to be my bogus excuse for not going to work...you guessed it. a whole day full of torture. country music. sighh.

then i come home. and find out jims mom has been here. and guess what?!? she listened to my fucking answering machine messages. now im about fed up. i hate this bitch i swear. ok fine you wanna check on the house. ok whatever. but to listen to the damn messages..when NOONE calls here for jim. its fucking ridiculous. i have no goddamn privacy at all. i have to hide shit in my own damn bedroom. and apparently i need to unplug the machine now on tuesdays and thursdays. fucking unreal. i really wanna tell jim so he can make her stop. but i cant. and it wouldnt matter bc im sure hed do nothing about it. damn bitch. ive been civil to her. i havent freaked out about the fact that she comes here when im not here. or that shes taken pictures of stuff. but holy shit. do i not get one fucking shred of privacy. you better believe im gonna flip the fuck out when jim comes home. oh yea

sigh..so my little demon spawn tried to pull a fast one on me today. we did the homework battle. again. i hate homework i swear. anyway, then i asked him if i got any homework..which is what he calls notices and stuff. and he said no. so i looked in his bookbag and he has this thing in there. its a calendar of the school month. an apple for every day they have school. and they color it green yellow or red for their behavior that day. well today there was a red. which is bad. and a note. he got in trouble for" not listening well and putting his hands on a friend". sighh. so he is semi grounded.

and thats about it

i survived..again

2005-10-03T15:29:00.000-04:00

ok people..im back and im all better. i had my meltdown and should be good for at least another month.lol it sucks when this shit happens but i guess its all the price you pay being an army girlfriend.

i skipped work today. i didnt see the need to go bc of my state of mind. i cried all damn weekend long and didnt think i could go today. when i get like this i need to not be around people who irritate me. bc i flip out and get all psycho. and i cry too. so seeing as im trying to get better..not worse..i stayed home. and got many things accomplished. i cleaned half my hoouse. well 3/4 of it. i did a thorough job of it. cleaned out closets and shelves and swept and mopped and went through stuff and put it away in its right spot. i folded the laundry and actually put it away. and i cut the grass. which was fun for me bc i killed many spiders and their little funnel web homes in the grass. haha fuckers.lol ok im done now. paid my car insurance and made phone calls to get some health insurance for lil austin. just got done all that. i started all that after a chat with jim. well i guess it wasnt a chat. i saw he was on and i said hi. he said hi. and that was it. i guess his connection was crap. bc that was it. so that made me sad. again. so i got on the ball and watched maury and jerry springer while i cleaned. lol i only like to clean in between commercials. im weird i know. but it makes cleaning not so bad. takes longer but i dont mind.

lmao. the other day, austin (my son in case you didnt know) came up to me and had a caht with me.

austin: mommy?

me: yea?

austin: how come you dont call me names anymore?

me: huh?

austin: repeats himself..and then says you know like butthead and stuff?

me: laughing for a minute..why do you miss it?

austin: a little bit. i was just wondering

lmao. i stopped calling him butthead and things of the like and switched it to honey and baby and stuff. apparently he likes butthead better. go figure. kids are funny.

ok i got some links for you guys today some interesting stuff. for all you lj users i have 2. one is post secret which is a neat little thing about peoples secrets. it is interesting to read. the other is post secret 2. where they ask questions and if you wish to participate you can. but only if you have an lj account. oh wait i dont have the first link. only the second.hehe

http://www.livejournal.com/community/_postsecret_/

for bloggers there is a regular post secret. but you can only read others secrets. you cant participate

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

and this is for anybody. this is ms. bettys message board. there is lots of interesting topics on there with some familiar faces from blog land on it too! check it out

http://hostedboard.com/phpbb/index.php?mforum=itsasmallworlda

and thats about it

another boring weekend

2005-10-02T10:51:00.000-04:00

its time for my lover to come home. i cant handle these dull ass weekends anymore. they suck. im so tired of being so bored. and i think thats why i am becoming so miserable. today is blah. right now i am on the comp with my lover who is blah as well.

last night i went to randis after i dropped austin off at grannies. her friend charles came and by the time we all left there at 8 pm i was blitzed. so i came home and watched the fifth element which sucked. it was interesting enough for me to watch it but it sucked. good thing i was intoxicated. lol then i wrote jim a smut email as i always do when i am intoxicated..which makes him happy. lol

and ive been up since like 8:30. i actually woke myself up at 6am without an alarm to see if jim came on. but he didnt. so i cried. again. god i feel so weak without him and i hate it. i hate feeling weak. but i imagine anybody does really. he got my dirty pics and apparently likes them very much. but he says he cant look at them too good bc of people being around. im sure everyone has seen them.lol

i went to the dollar store today. yippy. lol and i need to clean my house and mow the grass. well see if it gets done. possibly depending on my boredom factor. i should at least do the grass today. i can clean tomorrow while i watch tv. lol

in a few weeks my friend gio will be coming from jersey to visit me. yayyyyyyy. jersey love is the best. and shes gonna bring me taylor ham and cheese on a bagel and a dozen bagels. bc jersey bagels are the shit! and i dont know if they have taylor ham anywhere else but there. they dont have it here. and its not regular ham..so dont say it is.lol when she comes we are gonna go to this thing called jasons woods. get all fuckered up and go. its got a haunted hayride and a 3d maze thats all scary and a real maze. im scared of the maze. will make me think of the shining..lol. and they have other scary stuff too. im so excited. but you know im retarded so i think well you dont know if some lunatic came and knocked out the guy in costume..stole it and has a real weapon and may kill you with it. you really dont know. i need to stop watching csi and shows of the like.lol

and i think thats it

i lurve you all have a great day

had a bad day again...

2005-10-01T13:06:00.000-04:00

its only 1pm on a saturday. whats wrong with this picture? i dont knwo if its pms or if im just depressed or lonely..but god i am sad! and i hate being sad. i sent my sissy a text message and had her call me bc i wanted to talk to someone that loves me. i had a nice chat with her. i feel bad though bc shes all young and stuff..and i dont wanna bring her down bc im all unhappy. but i felt better just talking to her. and hearing her voice. i love her so much. and goddamn i miss her. shes so cute. she said she wished she could come visit me...i really wish she could too. bc i feel like i am just falling apart. i feel sad and i feel weak. and i just want someone i know here. to keep me company. i hate being alone. alot.

sighh. i watched the movie crash today. it was a good movie. made me cry and i believe that this is what started my whole mood. but you should rent it and give it a try.

i had a short talk with jim today. it was ok. i guess.

sighh i dont feel like typing anymore.

lets clear the air..

2005-09-29T20:29:00.000-04:00

now every now and then i have to explain things to people. and im not being bitchy, im just saying. i know how it looks when i talk about jim. it may seem like all we do is fight. but again you have to know that my side is all you hear. i dont ever really talk about all the good things that happen. i just bitch. which is basically why i have this journal. but you should all know that i love jim with every inch of me. i would NEVER leave jim. unless he hit me or cheated on me and i knew it was true. me and jim are perfect for each other. we are just about the same person. we do not ever fight. its more like i bitch and he answers. we've only ever had one real fight. so no more telling me not to wait for jim, or find a sex buddy kind of stuff bc it wont happen. i love jim and he loves me back. alot. this is the last time i will address this. i know this sounds bitchy..but it kinda brings me down a bit when people say negative things. especially when you dont really know the whole story. ya know? and also you have to think about the fact that he is in the middle of a war zone. if it were you, you wouldnt be all that pleasant either. like i said im not saying it to be bitchy..but you have to understand how it is to me. its not easy to wait so faithfully for someone you love when people are kinda like spreading negativity. not that it would ever make me not wait for him.

jim is my heart my world my life and soul. nothing really will change that. ill wait forever if i have to. bc he is that good to me. noone will ever love me like he does. and ill never love anybody but him!!

:edit: i decided to write more. im gonna try and stay up a little later bc for some odd reason i keep waking up at 1:15 am every damn night. and i dont wanna do this anymore.

so today i went to the gas station and saw this guy i used to date that is obsessed with me for some reason. i have been a real big bitch evertime i see him but he never gives up. i tired to go in without him seeing me but its like he has vanessa radar. so as im trying to sneak in the store and hes at the pump i hear...VANESSAAAAAA and im like fuck. i throw up an arm and run inside. this motherfucker is waiting for me in the damn parking lot. sighh. he asked if my man was home yet. i said nope. he said so what are you doing. i said going home and got in my car and left and hoped like hell he wouldnt follow me home. loser. got the puddy once..he sucked..i made him stop in the middle of it it was so bad..and i was on e!! and hes still obsessed. god..

in other things that irritated me today.. i talked to jims mom. sighh. this woman hates me. i dunno why. its not like it just occured..its like a forever thing. from the very beginning. i think she thinks jim will get over me. anyway, i had said something about me and jims anniversary coming and how weve been together for four years and how jim had made a joke saying seems like it was only 2. and how i said thats bc thats all youve been here for. and she said nothing but . mmmmm well.. wtf is that? can anyone else see how i am trying here?!!? she kills me. and i was thinking today, you know when jim finally comes home itll be time for all the summer holiday bbqs. his parents invited me to none of them this year. not one. now when he comes home ill be expected to attend them all. and i aint fucking going. and when jim says well what am i supposed to tell them..im gonna say i wasnt good enough last year...i aint fucking going. its weird bc they will make a big deal about me not going. like its a sign of disrespect..but its also a sign of disrespect to me that they didnt invite me this year. when he was gone the last time i was invited. i hate this family..sighhhh

thank you..lol

better post tomorrow. csi is coming on and i cant miss my man warrick.lol

AND WHAT!?! lol

2005-09-26T18:05:00.000-04:00

so i talked to my lover yesterday. i finally got him to download instant messenger. we had an ok chat. i guess it wasnt really bad. we had our argument about his re-enlisting. i told him i dont wanna do this anymore. he asked if i was making him choose. and i said no. but i wasnt doing anymore deployments. where he then said well there is a new rule that deployments were only 9 months long now. and i said i dont care. im not doing it again. i hate being alone. i fucking hate it. i hate not being able to touch him and love him and kiss him when i wanna. sighhh. but i put that to rest and this was the end of our chat...well first another part so you can see how hes a smart ass.lol

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: weve been together almost 4 years
jiminiraq2005: really that long lol
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and 20 months out of those 4 years you havent even been here
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol yes love
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: doesnt seem like it does it
jiminiraq2005: i was thinking like two
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: shutup
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: dont even tell me you are serious
jiminiraq2005: but if you say 4 than ok
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im gonna cry
jiminiraq2005: why
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: bc you said that
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: punk
jiminiraq2005: said what
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you know damn well its been more than two
jiminiraq2005: thats why there was a lol at the end
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: such a punk
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you missed the whole point
jiminiraq2005: i got it but
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but what?
jiminiraq2005: head
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol your dumb
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im trying to be serious
jiminiraq2005: i know and i dont want you to be sad
jiminiraq2005: so im joking
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you keep telling me how weve got forever to be together and we do..but only if you arent in the army
jiminiraq2005: ill be done in 14 years
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im not sad..im just stressed and lonely and i wanna have sex and i wanna kiss you and sleep with you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: oh no
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: no no no no
jiminiraq2005: what
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: no 14 years
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: are you serious?
jiminiraq2005: what?
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: honey now is not the time to play dumb
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you know what
jiminiraq2005: lol

such a punk..lol and heres the good part

jiminiraq2005: i love you ness talk to you later
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: awww you called me ness
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: oh im gonna cry
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol
jiminiraq2005: dont aww me
jiminiraq2005: dont cry
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: happy cry
jiminiraq2005: allright i love you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you never call me ness
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: :-D
jiminiraq2005: sweeet dreams
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: sweet dreams baby i love you forever and ever
jiminiraq2005: dont let the bed bugs bite
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you either
jiminiraq2005: and ever
jiminiraq2005: i have to wach out for them
jiminiraq2005: they got my back a couple of times
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: eww
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: really?
jiminiraq2005: yeah
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: gross
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: see all the more reason you need to be here with me
jiminiraq2005: then the ness bugs would bite me
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but at least the ness bugs will kiss it better

hehe i love that he called me ness. he enver calls me that. ive been telling him for years that noone calls me vanessa. only strangers or aquaintances. everyone calls me ness nessa nesser nessie or something like that. its funny everytime he goes somewhere he calls me something. in bosnia he called me baby. in mississippi he called me love. and now i am ness..well love too. lol

god i miss him

haters they gonna hate

2005-09-25T09:30:00.000-04:00

It kills me how much people can hate on things in your life. It really does. I wonder if one day people will just back off of me and Jim. And maybe feel happiness for us instead of bringing negativity. sighhhh. I am tired of people being down on Jim and down on me as well. I am tired of the haters and the people who are so jealous. It seems everyone has something to say. I actually called my bestest friend last night Gio. I called her and told her I wanted her opinion as an outsider not a best friend. Iasked if when she sees me and Jim if she sees love. She said oh yea that there is tons of love. I then asked her if she thought I was strong enough to survive this time. And again she said yes. Then she got all mad. lol And was like whos giving you shit Vanessa? And i had to laugh. I told her some people were saying that Jim just keeps me waiting for him for a piece of ass and others saying how if you take the sex away we have no relationship. And she said the same thing, if it was just sex why would we be together now. Because noone is getting any sex now. She even called up her man and asked him what he thought. He said the same thing. They think that randi is just jealous and secretly wants Jim. They say she is always flirty with him and they cant understand how I can just allow it. I said..well first of all she can flirt all she wants bc Jim would NEVER mess with her. NEVER!! And I said the flirting doesnt really bother me much. its not a big deal. I mean with certain other girls its a big deal. But not her. I dunno how to explain it.

What i really hate is how much worrying and questioning i am doing. If he were home i wouldnt be this insecure. There has been haters since the very beginning. People who thought Jim and I wouldnt last a month. We showed them and we'll show everyone else too!! sighh

like sand through the hourglass

2005-09-22T20:04:00.000-04:00

these are the days of our lives...lol. it sounded better than im an asshole. plus i believe ive used that one a few times already. so today at work i may have started some drama. hehe and no i dont feel sorry about it. if that changes your opinion of me..then it changes it. i dont care. i do not pretend to be anything i am not. so there.lol

today at work we had what is called a focus group meeting. this is where you take one person from each dept. and they go in and give suggestions to help things along. so they say. but really its a big bitch fest. i was chosen bc i am the best person to be vocal about these things. which is true. but the big boss runs these meetings and i felt nervous. and when i get nervous i turn beet red.lol ears and all. im not sure why.. i guess its the feeling of pressure to do a good job representing my dept. whatever. so i did my good job. now in doing this alot of the others bitched a whole lot about my supervisor. i laughed my ass off about this bc it is all true stuff. and it was great to hear others bitch about my thoughts exactly. BUT her bf was in there too so there isnt a whole lot i could actually say without it getting back to her. which i dont really care if it did..but shes the bosses pet. so when she comes and gets in my face and screaming..i am liable to hit her. i do not like when people get in my face and bitch. pisses me off to no end. brings me back to my childhood and i dont like going there. anyway. so everyone was bitching it was a really funny meeting.lol. well when it was over she asked how it had went. so i told her. and i told her most of the things that were said. she was super pissed that everyone was bitching about her. and the best part was she was having a good day before that. now the reason this is really funny to me is bc when i was super pissed last friday she was irritatingly cheery and it made my mood worse. plus all the shit said was true. she thinks bc she is the bosses pet she can not do a damn thing and get away with it. and do a ton of other shit that we arent allowed to do and get away with it. so there is now some drama. oops..lol

in other news..yesterday was my mommy's bday. she would have been 43 years old. it sucks that she isnt here bc i miss her alot. but i believe she is up in heaven living a much better life then she did here. i beleive she watches over me and my sissy and bro. and austin too. and jim as well. i pray every night and tell her to keep my babies safe. which is the before said. i believe that she is the reason jim is still alive and doing well. and that he survived the last deployment. i beleive that she is the reason why my sissy lived after what i like to call her awakening. i belive she is the reason my car hasnt fallen apart and killed us yet as well. but i miss her. i miss calling her every day and telling her things going on in my life. i miss talking to her about jim. i miss talking to her about my sissy. and remembering funny stories and feeling that whole mother daughter bond. i hate that my sister didnt get to fell that and i hate that it took so long for us to get to where we were and then she passed. i have so much hate as far as those things when it comes to her. and i hate the fact that i got through yesterday like it was any old day. my moms sister called to see if i was doing alright and i said yea. but in truth i just pretend that she is just far away and unreachable. i know i shouldnt let myself be dissillusioned..but i cant deal with the fact that shes gone. i refuse to go to her gravesite. i do blow a kiss and tell her i love her. but if i go and actually see the tombstone..that means ill have to accept that she is gone. and i dont wanna. it may be unhealthy..but thats how it is. shes not supposed to be dead. shes supposed to be in nj..waiting for me to come visit so she can teach my son bad things like blowing raspberrys and spitting all over me like she had started. shes supposed to be ther when i get married to jim and say how proud she is that i found true love with him. shes supposed to be here for my sisters graduation and be proud that one of us finally graduated school. shes supposed to be here dammit!!! but what good does it do to fall apart and be angry. there is no changing what has been done. it seems unfair that the good people in the world die so early in life while the assholes who kill people beat their wives sell drugs to young kids live long healthy lives. life is so unfair.

so a moment of silence a little belated to the bravest women ive ever known. who gave up her life so we could live..and took more abuse than anyone should..so we could be happy

Tracy Mosseau 9/21/62-3/15/02

sighhhhhhhh

2005-09-20T19:21:00.000-04:00

sadly my life is sooo boring i have nothing to tell. nothing newsworthy. havent heard from jim since saturday. and since our conversation on sat..all i think about is his coming home. and how i will ravage him. lol im in bad need of sex. like real bad. and nooo mr.pirate i will not find me a screw buddy. defeats the whole purpose of waiting for the man i LOVE and wanna marry someday. and i have a large collection of toys..but im tired of toys. i want skin not plastic. sighhhh. i wish he was coming home like now! i was thinking about it and i think that if he does come it will be between november and january. im hopeing its anytime except xmas. now i know you people are gonna tell me how selfish i am..well the whole 3 of you that still come visit(where did everyone go?) but i dont care. if he comes home for xmas time that means i will be forced to spend another xmas with his family. for the fourth year in a row. i wanna go home for xmas this year. like on the actual day of xmas. if he comes home he will force me to be with his parents who i hate and " we can go tomorrow" well im tired of going tomorrow. i wanna go on xmas day. thats when all the family is together. when i go the next day they arent all there. and dammit i wanna see my family!@!! ok so anyway..lol

other news.. tide and bounce make new soap and dryer sheets with febreeze in it. now first off let me tell you how much I LOVE FEBREEZE!! and bounce too. now they have mixed them? its like heaven. it makes my whole house smell like my fave febreeze smell..spring renewal... and my clothes smell excellent! i sniffed myself the whole way to work today.lol like those febreeze commercials.lol

lets seeeee what else????? oh yea so at my shit job we listen to a radio. 4 days a week it is like a mix station which is the closest i can get to things i wanna hear. it kinda sucks bc out of the like 4 decades of music they play the same shit everyday. irks me but hey.. and on friday it is country day. i do not like country. i do not like being forced to listen to it. i am not a country girl. i do not like that i have learned words to these songs. not good for my whole im from jersey thing. yea... so today for some reason became country day. of course i bitched. only to find out................................................wait for it..IT IS HOOKED UP TO SIRIUS SATELITE! are you fucking kidding me? that means song after song after song. no commercials for a breather. just country all damn day long. im sorry but i cannot get excited by songs like she thinks my tractors sexy!! i need to go back to jersey..like now. lol

speaking of jersey..i got this in the email the other day. ill only post part of it today..if you have ever been in jersey you will understand it. if not..your out of luck!!

You know you're from Jersey when . . ..

You don't think of fruit when people mention "The Oranges."

You know that it's called Great Adventure, not Six Flags.

A good, quick breakfast is a hard roll with butter.

You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.

You've eaten at a diner, when you were stoned, or drunk, at 3 A.M.

You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery.

At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen, and you
know the town Jon Bon Jovi is from.

You know what a "jug handle" is.

You know that WaWa is a convenience store.

You know that the state isn't all farmland.

You know that there are no "beaches" in New Jersey--there's the shore--and
you don't go "to the shore," you go "down the shore." And when you are
there, you're not "at the shore"; you are "down the shore."

You know how to properly negotiate a circle.

You knew that the last sentence had to do with driving.

You know that this is the only "New" state that doesn't require "New" to
identify it (try . . . Mexico . . . York .! . . Hampshire-- doesn't work,
does it?).

You know that a "White Castle" is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a
fast food sandwich.

You consider putting mayo on a corned beef sandwich a sacrilege

You don't think "What exit?" is very funny.

You know that people from the 609 area code are "a little different."

Yes they are!

You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton--that's for
out-of-staters.

The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or localbar.

You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.

You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.

Every year you have at least one kid in your class named Tony.

You know the location of every clip shown in the Sopranos opening credits.

You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of the mall.

You know that people from North Jersey go to Seaside Heights, and people
from Central Jersey go to Belmar, and people from South Jersey go to
Wildwood. It can be no other way.

You weren't raised in New Jersey--you were raised in either North Jersey,
Central Jersey or South Jersey.

You don't consider Newark or Camden to actually be part of the state.

You remember the stores Korvette's, Two Guys, Rickel's, Channel, Bamberger's
and Orbach's.

You also remember Palisades Amusement Park.

You've had a boardwalk cheese steak and vinegar fries.

You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.

And finally . . ..

You've NEVER, NEVER pumped your own gas.

AMEN!!!

ohhhh to be in love.

2005-09-18T08:54:00.000-04:00

my baby loves me. i got to talk to him for a long time yesterday. we emailed back and forth for awhile in the morning yesterday and then again at night. and it was great. we talked about the whole fighting thing and he apologized. told me he has developed a short temper. and an edge. he says he has to have an edge while hes there. i told him i understood that..but im supposed to make him happy hes not supposed to have an edge with me. so we fixed all that. then i told him how people keep telling me that me and him dont have a relationship with like feelings. that its all about sex. i asked his opinion on that. he said that sex cant be the only reason we are together bc we were apart for 10 months when he was in bosnia and bc its already been over 8 months and theres a nother year to go and were still together. i asked him why he thought people always dog on us. he started getting edgy.lol he said he doesnt care what people think of us and that its none of their damn business anyway. i said i think people are jealous of us. bc..i have no thoughts about waiting for jim. i love him and hes the one i always wanna be with. i can not sleep around and be ok with that. i only wanna be with him. i thought i had already proved that to the naysayers last time when i waited for him. when he went to bosnia we were only together for like 6 months. and i waited all 10 months for him. never looking at anyone else. and here i am again. i may flirt with other guys..but jim is my love. forever and ever.i hate having to defend my relationship. my best friend randi is always saying me and jim wont make it. we almost fought last night. i tried to explain to her how it is for me and jim. i told jim my answer for why i kept him. i CHOSE him bc he was hot and had a hot car. but i kept him bc i can trust him. i trust him with my heart,my feelings, my secrets. i trust him not to hurt me on purpose, to take care of me. i trust he will never hit me, or cheat. and thats what makes it all worth it. i havent met a guy i trusted so much in my life. and all the hot kinky dirty sex is a big plus too.lol but when we first starting having sex it wasnt like that. we became how we are together. theres just something about him and i that clicks. has from the beginning. randi says how we always fight. and we dont weve only had 2 real fights. i mean weve had bitching fights. but thats not the same thing. at all. bc jim never gets mad. well he does now..but on a normal time he doesnt.i knew i loved jim within a month and a half of knowing him. and same for him too. god i miss him. anyway heres the best part....

so we are talking dirty.lol and i was saying that when he was home last time that we didnt have nearly enough sex. and he goes..." well before i leave this time i wanna do"..you can try to figure it out.lol its explicit. but i was like before you leave this time? does that mean you are coming home baby? and he said at some point yes. not sure when though. im so happy.lol i know it wont be for a few months yet..but still. its a better outlook to just a few months then it is for a whole other year!! yayyyyyyyyy. im so excited. i cant wait to have sex.lol

just another day

2005-09-17T10:04:00.000-04:00

ok peeps..i am feeling better. i had a super bad day at work yesterday. i was gettin evil. ready to rip some heads off. i had to tell people to not talk to me it was in their best interest. funny how people never listen though. idiots. so i had to put myself into my own world. which means i had to block everyone out bc i was that pissed. i hate that damn job!!

anyway, so i got the pics back from the drunken work out night. lmao funny pictures. i forgot to tell you all that this guy told me i looked fat and made me cry that night. i showed everyone my pic from before going out and everyone said i look great. i even asked like the scariest guy there that wouldnt lie to me. so i felt better. so now im gonna have to send them to jim. lmao i went in the store to pick up these pics and i was scared as hell. i wqas thinking there would be a big label saying xx pics cannot be developed or something like that.lol but nope it was uneventful. thank god. i wonder how many pics of my cootie there are in the world now. lol. i am in the process of talking to jim now. we have made up and are in deep talk about these pics. and he still wants them. so my plan kinda worked. im still upset that he cursed at me..but whatever.

i will be staying home this weekend. even though the people at work asked me 6 times a day everyday to go out this weekend. i dont think they believed me when i said i wasnt going.lol haha i showed them. lol.

in other news.. i talked to my sissy yesterday. and sometimes i really get angry with her. now what sucks is she is what i was at 16. the same attitude..bitchiness and sensitiveness. im not sure why i keep trying to have these certain conversations with her.bc im the one whos always left with built up anger or being sad. bc i dont think she thinks about things and how they will affect me. and i cant continue with the conversation bc she will throw a fit and not talk to me for days. its like a lose lose situation. the other day we had a chat about how she might be graduating this year. which i think this is excellent!! im so happy/proud of her. she will only be turning 17 this year. so i think thats a great accomplishment. i was reading her lj when i found out and she was going on to say how she didnt know what she was gonna do after or where her life would be heading. i told her she should head over here and come live with me. that was a mistake. should have never said it. now granted this whole conversation was all going on when i was severely depressed. this made it worse. anyway, she goes onto say that moving here would not be doing anything good for her. and i said why not? and she said where am i supposed to go? to hicktown U? so that was the first slap. and then i said no they do have good schools around here too ya know. and she kept saying no. and then she said something like how shes just gonna go to college somewhere and shell come see me blah blah blah. and i said yeah about as much as you see me now. and she goes to tell me how I am rude and blah blah blah shell see me when she sees me. that kinda hurt my feelings. like alot. and then she put on her away message. and dissapeared. and i was like hey you come back here. and she was like no she didnt wanna talk about it anymore bc i upset. sighh. thats how all the conversations go and it makes me really mad. but what can you do. my sissy really doesnt wanna live with me. i know its more than just bc i live in the country to. makes me sad

big sighhhhhh

2005-09-14T19:59:00.000-04:00

so still no word from him. im starting to get all crazy like. he said 2 days and its been a week tomorrow. i want him to see my damn emails and no i took the damn pics. not the exact ones he wanted but some pics .

this sucks

2005-09-12T20:31:00.000-04:00

i miss my booboo baby!!! i hate when we fight and then i dont hear from him for days. sucks!!

2005-09-10T16:09:00.000-04:00

i couldnt think of a good title.lol anyway, so i went out last night to unwind and shit bc me and jim have been fighting all week long and i had a really hectic work week. so i planned on getting trashed. so i found me an outfit to make me look sexy but not slutty. a real thin flimsy material for a just under the knee skirt. pinstripe skirt with a lacy looking slit up to my mid thigh. a white work shirt looking deal thats kinda stretchy so its nice and snug and i didnt button the top three buttons. i guess it might sound trashy but it wasnt at all. i had high black strappy shoes which proved really difficult to drive in.lol and my hair and makeup were flawless as always. i looked really nice. my best friend helped me pick out the outfit. well i picked a bunch and this was the winner. anyway, i felt hot!! i went to this bar by my work. there were all work people there. i hadnt eaten all day and i had 3 cran and vodkas and 4 malibu bay breezes which are really good by the way, and a kamakazi shot and a smirnoff. i was lit.and i was scoping out my legs and asked this guy
5 vodka and cranberry
4 malibu bay breezes
2 smirnoff ices
1 kamakazi shot
and 1 alaskan ice tea.

LIT!!!!! i came home and got on the comp for an hour and then passed out in my bed at 4am.

today is a rough feeling day!!lol

i watched monster in law today. fucking hilarious!!

my baby

2005-09-08T17:44:00.000-04:00

this is a pic of my lover. he just sent it.lol there is a real post for today under this. hes so cute. i lurvee him

busy bee

2005-09-08T15:59:00.000-04:00

hello boys and girls..you will find me in a especially good mood today. sadly no i did not get laid. dammit. but believe me one day when i do again..i will post in big huge letters.lol anyway..tomorrow is friday. this pleases me. lol as it does everyone but im really excited. tomorrow i have gathered a work group of people to go to this one bar after work. with alterior motives of course.lol dont ask cuz i aint telling. thats for my naughty site. anyway.. ill only be there for a little bit. then im gonna meet randi and we are going to some other bar where her manager will be. he is a pig so i need to dress scantily so i can get some free drinks. randi says if i got boobs hanging out ill get free drinks. alright that can be arranged.lol and then after that..we are going to yet another bar and partying. it should be a great night. now the rough part is this all starts at like 5pm. ill be trashed by 8 probably yakking by 10 and then starting all over again. lmao. ahh yes the good life. and i am ready!!

in the words of spongebob..im ready im ready im readeeeddyeddyyy!!

lol

i love him

2005-09-07T19:31:00.000-04:00

you know its awful to say but i think no matter what jim did to piss me off id always love him forever and ever. we had a tiff last night and i was crying and bitching and all that. but today he said he was sorry and its like nothing ever happened. now dont get me wrong..if he ever cheated or hit me..id be done. but anything else....i could forgive him.

god i love him..<3 i wish he was here now<3

you people are killing me

2005-09-06T16:53:00.000-04:00

you people are friggin killing me.

HOW THE FUCK DONT YOU KNOW WHAT A GARBAGE PAIL KID IS? lol well i guess they never went out of the usa or something. ok garbage pail kids were like baseball cards sorta. you bought a little pack and it came with gum and you got like 5 cards in the pack. these cards were stickers too. they were so cool. especially when you were little. now they are kinda gross. but funny. anyway, they are like cabbage patch kids (if you dont know what that is.. i give up) so they were like cabbage patch kids but really nasty. like farting all over or peeing. eating boogers that kind of stuff. and they had funny names. hold on let me get one and ill describe it.

lol ok i got one. so this one is scuba doo lou. he is climbing out of a toilet with his snorkel mask on and pee inside it.lol with a poker that has a turd on it. and all kinds of nastiness coming out of the toilet with him.lmao. they are really nasty but i was kid when i collected them. so you know you were all ewwwwww giggle giggle.lol

anyway, so the whole weekend sucked really. i didnt do a damn thing except for my trip for fish with randi. work went quickly today which was nice. i had a friend burn me a cd and i got it and jammed the whole way home. after i broke another damn nail. dammit all to hell. im getting tired of breaking nails. i grow these long ass claws and just when it seems they are all gonna make it to the same damn length..one breaks. then theres a chain of them. out of 10 nails.. i have 5 left. the other 5 are in various stages of growth. 4 claws on one hand. 1 claw on the other. i have a ghetto hand. lol not like you care but i have a reputation you know. i need to bitch about at least one thing a day or you wont come visit anymore.lol

booooo

2005-09-04T17:37:00.000-04:00

what a long boring weekend im having. randis about a dud. im broke and there is nothing on tv. im bored out of my damn mind. and figures that jim can talk forever during the week but when i actually can be up all night long..too busy cant talk.lol isnt that always the way.

yesterday randi calls me up at 9:30am. ok now when i have off of work and can actually stay up late..im up till about 4am. this bitch calls me at 9 30 am. killing me. anyway she was cleaning out her fish tank bc it was nasty. took the fish that are like the size of my feet out and put them in a bucket. now i told you shes kinda retarded remember that. anyway LEAVES them in there for awhile eventually puts them in the tank again and they died.lol sorry but its funny. so shes calling me at the crack of dawn to tell me this. bc she is a pussy and wont touch the fish.lol so guess who she wants to do it. mmhmmm me. so i finally go there and i guess she was brave and did it herself. so now we are gonna go to the fish store and get more. it is 11am now. maybe a little bit before. so we are off on a mission to get fish, stop at the wawa and the movie store.

and the trip begins 11am:

we get all the kids in the car. they are like brother and sister so they aggravate and compete against each other. so there was a lot of bitching and fighting and tattling in the 4 minute drive to wawa to get some coffee. we get there

kids: can we come in?

moms:NOOO

anyway so off we go to the movie store

11:15 off to the movie store

lol so we leave wawa and go to the movie store. after more bitching in the car. damn kids. dont make me stop this car..... we go into the movie store after a compettion to see who would get there first. sighhhh. i one. to save the trouble. anyway so we get in there to find moster in law. well randi only has a vcr. they only have one copy of that and its out. dammit. so we check out dvds and say well watch it at my house. all out. dammit!@! so no luck here. i decided i needed to go to rite aid for something. while there i discover that they have re-brought out garbage pail kids. i was like nooooooo shit. so i paid $1 for like 5 cards..no gum..booooo. and they were way gross. maybe more then when i was little and had them. oh and dont anybody ask me what garbage pail kids are. bc i will be in too much of shock of you not knowing to answer. all the cool people know what they are. unless you arent in the us. i dont know if they had them in other countries.

ok so 11:30am off to the pet store.

i suggested going to pet smart bc they have a hit load of fish. cool fish.its a little bit of a hike but they are nice fish! but no we go to this other one thats half way there. ok whatever so more bitching and fighting. kids were ready to get beat!! shuuttttuppppp. jessa you dont talk to austin and austin dont talk to jessa. unless you are bleeding i dont care!! lol ok so finally we are at the pet store. the kids are all ooohing and ahhing. good happy kids make happy parents. so we are looking ofr fish. randi doesnt like any of the fish. of course not. soooo we just keep looking at the rest of the animals. they had this big pond with fishies in it. and the demon spawn were over by it picking up rocks and throwing them at the fish. ^%$$# goddam kids. so we drug them out of the damn store. randis all pissed now and wants to know where else there is a fish store. i have no clue. except that pet smart. shes says no its too far.(were already half way there) so she calls someone and tries to find another one. she gets directions

god knows what time it is now.. off to the pet store on sketchy directions. we get lost. and then more lost. one kid has to pee. more lost and more lost. another kid has to pee. round and around...wait a minute i see a sign. i know where we are. started out in pennslyvania went through delaware and ended up in md. at this point the kids are pissed off..im irritated and randis bitching. im sitting there saying shouldve went to pet smart wed be home by now. so we head to a store by my house and it takes her fucking forever to pick some damn fish. the kids are being atrocious and short of really beating them... CMON RANDI LETS GO. we get the fish and back to her house

3pm.. end of trip. holy shit!!

any ideas?

2005-09-03T18:23:00.000-04:00

ok so my sister is 16 years old. and i dunno whats wrong with her but she is like electronics dumb or something. shes been through like 6 cell phones, and three cameras. the first camera she dropped and broke. the second camera she lost and the third got stolen. so she moped around and bitched about it and her dad gave her a camera on loan. now when he gave her the camera he told her DO NOT lose or drop this one. or you will be grounded for life and no more cameras or something like that. she had it three days.......

knocked it off the table on accident and broke it. she is in deep shit now. like deep. thats like breaking gods camera. so shes trying to think of a way to come up with some money to eather get it fixed..or get a replacement.

so heres my question..how do you make money quick when you are 16 that isnt sexual favors like? my poor sissy. help please.lol

my day is a little better now

2005-09-01T20:18:00.000-04:00

my day got better now. i got to instant email jim for a few hours and it was great. he made my day so much better. god i love him so much and i miss him too. sighh here ill share some of the things he said

this was after i asked him about that card from our one year anniversary. about if he thought something changed blah blah:

i now that i answerd theis quistion before it did feekl like you were
presuring me i love you the same the time will comee whem im eady dont
worry i love you the same i never put a time line on that card and it
will happen when im ready you have to not worry abou tit at all and just
be patient im sorry if the card qas misleading but i meant it just when
im ready i now you are ready and soon anough it will happen i love you
just remeber the card and it will all come true exept for maybe the
baby part i may have changed my m,ind with that but well see

and this was after i asked him if he thinks about us in the future:

yes love i think aabout he future and we will get married in the future
dont woory we have a future stop worring i love you

lol he loves me. heheheok i cant print the rest bc it is obscene ands not for this blog. lol

take this job and shove it

2005-09-01T17:40:00.000-04:00

so we had a meeting at work today. before the meeting we had a pre-meeting. the supervisor told us to bitch about how gas has gone up and about the winter and how itll be more expensive to heat the house and stuff. blah blah blah.

so we get into the damn meeting and hes talking all about the hurricane and how our company is going to take so much from each product bought and send it down to the ....cant think of the right word..hurricane victims. which is all fine and dandy. but...

i think we need a fucking cost of living raise. like now. with gas going up to extreme measures i wont be able to make it to work soon. its up over 3 dollars. killing me. i drive 32 miles round trip. 5 days a week.i only get paid 9 bucks an hour which is shit. and our insurance for health has me paying 60 a week. not mention the $150 a week i gotta give jims mom so i dont have to hear noises about moving out. so over 3 bucks a gallon is gonna break me. im bout poor.

but no we listened to how we are gonna help the people down there and how its such a tragedy. which it is great that they are gonna help them. they are doing a food drive too. then it was how we can save them money on energy and shit like that. i thought hey you dont fucking care about how im gonna survive with the increase..so i dont give a fuck if you save money at all. and maybe thats a poor attitude but i dont care. and im not the only one there with this attitude. they said MAYBE well get a raise. but then in the same sentence said something about a wage freeze. fuckers. if gas gets too high i wont be going to work at all.

cheap bastards.

hello boys and girls

2005-08-31T17:05:00.000-04:00

ok so i got an email from jim this morning. and i just got another so hopefully we will be instant emailing.lol he said that the internet service cut out on him that it does that all the time. so phew..lol

not much else going on. damn that katrina was a bitch. i hope everyone from around that area is ok and you friends too!! and lets all send prayers out to the very very many who have lost everything.

im glad jim wasnt still in mississippi. although i dont think the other option is all that better. but where he was in training there got hit. bad.

sighh

awww poor baby

2005-08-29T19:05:00.000-04:00

so i got an email from my lover. havent gotten one since that last one that pissed me off. and i hadnt sent another since i sent one back from that either. i was so pissed off from it that i didnt want to respond. bc i couldnt have answered without being a total cunt. this is what he sent me:

whats up love i havent heard from you in a while you must have bin busy
this weekend usually you email me evryday im still a live love just
wanted to tell you allright love email me when you get a chance talk to
you lter i should be on again before i go to sleep

so theni felt guilty. bc i havent written him any letters either. he wasnt feeling the love. its almost like he was sad kinda. my poor baby. so i sent him a email and explained what happened. and we sent them back and forth for a bit. and then he dissapeared which is strange bc usually he will say he has to go first. hmm i hope hes ok.

grrrr

2005-08-28T19:24:00.000-04:00

my hand is still fucking green. damn grass

now..for the sober post

2005-08-27T17:51:00.000-04:00

lmao at my drunk post. just so you know i was lucky and did not throw up. it was damn close though. i had half of my body hanging off the bed for the effect that i was still standing. seemed to have worked. woke up today feeling a bit rough. i had a good time though. it seems that im going to become an alchie again though. but hey whatever works. makes me semi happy while jims away i guess. weird though that once he comes home i wont wanna drink anymore and thats all hes gonna want to do. but oh well we'll worry about that when the time happens.

i sang my ass off for kareoke last night. we got there at about 9 30. still early but not bad. this bitch that me and randi hate was there. the funny part of it was that this girl was the reason me and randi became friends. but she was such a cunt. just a miserable busybody kinda person that puts everyone down and brings you down too. so we both got rid of her. and me and randi stayed friends. well she didnt like us being there so she left. good..cuz she was sitting at my table! bitch. anyway...so i sang a bunch of songs.lol probably not too well as i was very trashed. i sang pieces of me(which made me hoarse..lol) i sang ironic by alanis morissette i sang let er rip by the dixie chicks redneck woman by gretchen wilson stay by lisa loeb and a thousand miles by vanessa carlton. there wasnt alot of people there so i got to sing alot. and i shook my ass all night long.lol

today i had to cut the damn grass. i shouldve done it last night when i got home from work. but nooo i put it off till today. and it rained a bit. me and the lawnmower had a fight. it won. i now have a green hand. no matter how much i scrub it wont come off. took me forever to get the fucking grass cut bc i had to keep unclogging the grass out of the fucker.

moral of the story: dont put off the grass till the last minute. especially dont cut it when its wet