a day of silence
first id like to say, that i hope noone can get to my cooments instead of noone coming to see me anymore. i miss everyone. and just so you know, i read everyones blog everyday. sometimes i can get my comments in,sometimes i cant. but i continue to try. if someone can help me to get the haloscan into my blog id be very grateful. im going through comment withdrawal. send me info..my email is www.bobonbooboo@yahoo.com . dont ask..
anyway. today is a day of silence. on this day three years ago Tracy M., my mommy(yea i still say mommy,unashamed i may add) left this world to go to a better place. it is a sad sad day, and if i didnt feel so numb from the shit life has given me,id be crying. i know somewhere in ny,my sissy is. i hate this day. i always feel so incredibly guilty. you see on this day 3 years ago, my gramma told me the doctors were saying we should come see her. itd be the last time. thing was,theyd said it 4 times before too. so i didnt believe it. plus i didnt want to see her in the hospital. it always made me so sad. i didnt want to see her that way. and i didnt want her to be sad that i was sad bc of her. dammit i guess im not numb. im crying now. fuck!! anyway, so i decided i wasnt going.
well i told jim about it, and somehow against my will, it was decided we were gonna go. the next day jim had to work,but we were going directly after he was done. so i got up early,bc i was gonna pack and make sandwiches and shit for the 4 hour trip. i went downstairs to talk to my gramma and find out what time the stores opened. she just looked at me. and then she told me that my mom had died around 11pm the night before. i ran up to my room and cried. i cried long and hard. i called jim and he left work early,to be with me.
that was the worst weekend ever. already i felt like an asshole,bc i was too damn selfish to see her. why didnt i fucking listen? why was i so damn selfish? what is wrong with me? i never got to say goodbye. i went to jersey anyway, to gather her stuff, and everyone there made me feel like the asshole i was. i ended up getting extremely drunk. which wasnt a good thing. jim tried to make it better for me,he really did. but sometimes when you dont wanna feel better, noone can better you. and why is it that every damn sad movie in the world is on when you are so sad? i watched sweet november,which if you havent seen it is about a girl dying with cancer. and my girl. i hate when thomas j dies. so jim took my tv priveleges away. lol
anyway, so every year on this day, i fall apart. and youd think as guilty as i feel, id go to the grave. but i dont. i blow it a kiss everytime i pass it. but i cant go in there. its like if i dont fully believe it, it cant be true.
i talked to my mom 2 weeks before she died. we were talking about jim. she asked me if i thought he was the one for me. i told her i really believed he was. that was the last conversation we ever had.....
i miss my mom so much!!
anyway. today is a day of silence. on this day three years ago Tracy M., my mommy(yea i still say mommy,unashamed i may add) left this world to go to a better place. it is a sad sad day, and if i didnt feel so numb from the shit life has given me,id be crying. i know somewhere in ny,my sissy is. i hate this day. i always feel so incredibly guilty. you see on this day 3 years ago, my gramma told me the doctors were saying we should come see her. itd be the last time. thing was,theyd said it 4 times before too. so i didnt believe it. plus i didnt want to see her in the hospital. it always made me so sad. i didnt want to see her that way. and i didnt want her to be sad that i was sad bc of her. dammit i guess im not numb. im crying now. fuck!! anyway, so i decided i wasnt going.
well i told jim about it, and somehow against my will, it was decided we were gonna go. the next day jim had to work,but we were going directly after he was done. so i got up early,bc i was gonna pack and make sandwiches and shit for the 4 hour trip. i went downstairs to talk to my gramma and find out what time the stores opened. she just looked at me. and then she told me that my mom had died around 11pm the night before. i ran up to my room and cried. i cried long and hard. i called jim and he left work early,to be with me.
that was the worst weekend ever. already i felt like an asshole,bc i was too damn selfish to see her. why didnt i fucking listen? why was i so damn selfish? what is wrong with me? i never got to say goodbye. i went to jersey anyway, to gather her stuff, and everyone there made me feel like the asshole i was. i ended up getting extremely drunk. which wasnt a good thing. jim tried to make it better for me,he really did. but sometimes when you dont wanna feel better, noone can better you. and why is it that every damn sad movie in the world is on when you are so sad? i watched sweet november,which if you havent seen it is about a girl dying with cancer. and my girl. i hate when thomas j dies. so jim took my tv priveleges away. lol
anyway, so every year on this day, i fall apart. and youd think as guilty as i feel, id go to the grave. but i dont. i blow it a kiss everytime i pass it. but i cant go in there. its like if i dont fully believe it, it cant be true.
i talked to my mom 2 weeks before she died. we were talking about jim. she asked me if i thought he was the one for me. i told her i really believed he was. that was the last conversation we ever had.....
i miss my mom so much!!
posted by naughtygirl @ 4:34 PM
2 Comments:
At 4:47 PM,
Dom said…
It's good to remember family and friends, even if the final time was not the best. Just try and remember the good times. The human mind is very good at dimming bad things. The fact that you are still here is testament to that. whatever happened in the past (and you've been refreshingly open about it - to be respected), I'm sure she's up there watching over you today.
Thinking of you.
At 5:29 AM,
Pep said…
Firstly, I hope I don't offend.
I have particular views on death and all of that. I never cry at funerals because I see it as a celebration of the next journey to a better place, so I always feel happy for the person, but sad for everyone else because they will miss the loved one.
You mom will be watching you, probably shaking her head, sucking her teeth in a jamaicans-style, and smiling. Your mom will be fine with what happened, and probably asking you not to be silly and get all guilty.
You might have had your last physical conversation 3 years and two weeks ago, but you guys will have not stopped talking. She hears you, and you should talk more.
Death is not the end, Heaven is not inaccessible, we do go on.
As I say, I have particular views that some may not agree with, so forgive me if I offend you.
And hang in there.
:)
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