i tear my heart open..just to feel

sighhhh..and the story continues. badly. again. fucking shit.

ok so yesterday was my first jim-less day. when i talked to him on monday night, he was getting ready to go over seas.when we last talked he told me how he loves me so much and well be together forever and he didnt want to be on break anymore. keep this all in mind.

so yesterday was my first no jim talking hes out of country day. and i was a little sad like but i survived. then i got out of work and came home and tried to call him bc we didnt know if his cell would work there or not. well his voice mail came on. and i dont know why but i got this overwhelming urge to check it for him knowing that he wouldnt be hearing the message anyway. now before i go on let me tell you i am not the psycho girlfriend that checks voice mail messages. but for some reason i really felt i needed to. and he had to messages. from danielle. she was all hey its me, i was just calling to see how things were going. call me back and then left a phone number. then she called back bc shes a dumb bitch and left a different number. the first number she left was her friends. fucking idiot. so when she called the second time, it was hers. so you know, me being who i am, i called it. i held off for awhile and talked to a few of my friends. bc i really wanted to call her, but i was really scared she would tell me her and jim did screw. but finally my friend cicly(the one who almost fucked danielle up,and i should have let her) said to me" vanessa i dont even know who you are anymore. ive always known you to be a headstrong kinda girl who says whats on her mind. the old vanessa would have called her up before calling me and then proceeded to kick her ass" haha. yea thats me. but i was scared. finally i had a brave minute and i called. no answer. so i called again. no answer. so i had my friend gio in nj call figuring danielle knew my number. no answer. so i blocked my number, somebodyu picked up this time but didnt say anything. so i didnt say anything back. so i hung up and called desiree, her friend, and told her what the deal was. i wasnt trying to fight danielle i just wanted some damn answers to my questions. she told me danielle was afraid of me.lmao. good dumb bitch. and she told me that danielle told her that she didnt mess with jim in baltimore.told me to try calling again. so i called her one more time, and this time she answered.

she was like hi vanessa. and i said hi danielle. this girl would be really cool if she wasnt such a tramp. anyway, i told her that i didnt want to fight with her i wasnt gonna beat her ass like everyone was calling her up and saying(like i really wanted to do!hehe). that i just wanted answers bc i need to know. so heres how it went


me: did you mess around with jim awhile back

slut: yes

me: do you remember when that was?

slut: about 3 years ago.

so i think about that for a bit and realize there is no way, bc jim wasnt even here. so we then decided that it was before me and jim were even together. bc she remembers it being in the summer time and it was awhile ago. so you know then im all happy. for a minute anyway.

me: did you and jim screw in an alley or any other kind of place while we were in baltimore?

she starts bitching and talking about she doesnt know why everyone is saying that and blahblah blah. but no its not true. they didnt screw in baltimore. so just as i am in releif thinking hey everything is gonna be ok, she lays down the bomb

she told me that if she were me that she wouldnt wait around for jim bc when they were together he made her look at him and told her he didnt want to be with me anymore. and would she wait for 14 months for him so he could come home to her. told her that he was kicking my ass out of the house in three days(which wouldve been last monday) and when that happened that was the end of him and me.

now, she told me that she wasnt the only one he said it too. and then listed off the names of the people he told, which i called every single one of them and it was the first they heard about it from her. not jim. now i kinda believe this. but all the pieces dont add up.

like when he first told me he messed around with danielle i told him if he didnt want to be with me to tell me. and he said he wanted to be with me. on monday i asked him if he still wanted to go on a break and he said no. he had two chances to to be done with me, and didnt take them. and hes been all lovey dovey with me. he actually said something sweetlike to me the other day. and there is other stuff too but i dont feel like typing anymore.

i wish i could talk to him. i dunno what the fuck im gonna do. but i know when he finally does call that im gonna ask him. and if he says its true, then im gone. and i will never love anyone again. its just not worth it. with that, an excerpt from my new fave song:


I remember when I was sittin home alone
Waitin for you Til 3 o'clock in the morn
Night after night
Knowin sumthing goin on
Wasn't home befo me
You was,you was gone
Lord knows it wasn't easy, but believe me.
Never thought you'd be the one that would deceived me.
And never do wha u was supposed to do
No need to hose me fool, cause I'm ova you
Cause what goes around, comes around.
What goes up, must come down.
Now who's cryin, desirin to come back to me
What goes around, comes around.
What goes up, must come down.
Gotta stop tryin, to come back to me
What goes around, comes around.
What goes up, must come down.
It's called Karma baby.
And it goes around.

i have a feeling that this song is gonna become real popular in my car after i talk to jim. you know what im not even sad. im pissed and i feel tired, and if its all good thats great,but if not fucking end it already. im tired of the drama.