you wont get to see the tears i cry..behind these green eyes

ok so im back. quick hiatus huh? ok so heres the summary of my week. lets see lets go back to last saturday. we all went to baltimore. we went clubbing and it was fun until it was time to go home. everyone was too drunk and 8 out of 10 people were fighting. i almost got arrested for picking a fight with a cop(hehehehe pig fucker) then i was in a fight sorta, with jims friend. it was a rough ride home from baltimore. we rented a 15 passenger van and there was 10 of us drunk bastards in the car. well before we all met back at the car,(we all got split up bc we had some wanderers..fucking idiots) my friend cicily was going after this tramp danielle. now i hate danielle bc of an incident with jim and her a long time ago. so when i got there and cicily was being held back from beating her ass i was like hehehe. dumb bitch.lol well i was until i found out why. people were saying that her and jim were fucking in a back alley somewhere. now i was drinking yeigerbombs which are apparently not my friends bc i flipped the fuck out. i hate this bitch as it is and now to hear this at like 3 30 in the am when im trashed no good. so i let cicily go at her. i broke up with jim told him i hated him and to fuck off. and when we finally got in the damn car and left everything was quiet for awhile. well a short while anyway. then jims friend erik started running his mouth like laways when hes drunk, and pissed off cicly. i saw her fly over 2 seats to get at him. and in my awe of being like wow. this is that jerry springer shit, i grabbed her and somebody else grabbed him. cuz he was ready to brawl too. girl or no girl. so we went through that a few times. and finally jim went back there to keep control of erik and then erik pissed off jim. so then i had to try and hold him back which was not an easy task. now keep in mind this is all while someone else is driving. well when i finally got jim settled he went back to the front and erik started running his mouth to jim. telling jim he needed to be honest with me and tell him what he did and to stop being a pussy. and i was trying really hard to ignore him. and cicily was flapping her mouth and i was keeping her under restraint again. then he said something else and i was slowly starting to lose my patience so i started yelling at him to shut the fuck up. he started calling me a fat cunt and blah blah blah. then he started on jim again and said something like you fucking fat fucker go the fuck to iraq you pussy bastard. and i fucking lost it. its not good when i lose it cuz ive got lots of built up anger. i flew over 2 seats to get at him. and the guy in front of him was pushing me back and someone else was hoding me back. and erik was like let her go ill finish this. and im screaming like an insane lady on the edge which i am, and trying to get at him. i got a few hits in too. and hes flipping out and im flipping out. my whole body is covered in bruises from people trying so hard to hold me back. im yellow now but i was purple and blue. so you know i was trying really hard to get at him if im so bruised. my arms and legs and my whole chest...bruised. anyway, then he said something like the reason his parents dont like me is cuz im a fucking lunatic and i was back at him again. this time i couldnt get to him, and i started crying like real hard. and jim fucking lost it. ive never seen jim mad ever in our almost 4 years together. he was like did he fucking hit you? and he flew over 3 seats. i got trampled in the rush. he clocked erik right in his face. busted up his hand. he was choking erik at one point. then we all seperated ourselves. but it was fun before that.

tuesday jim left instead of monday bc his flight was cancelled due to bad weather. on monday we had a fight but we ended up having a decent night. jim tried to break up with me again. told me we needed to be on break while he was gone. but i wasnt hearing it. i fixed that all and when he left we said goodbye and i love you and all that good stuff. wedsday night the shit hit the fucking fan. after work was when i found out about the whole being kicked out thing. but that wasnt even the bad part. cicily called me up telling me about stuff that was said on the saturday night. stuff about jim fucking danielle and something about jim wanted me out of the house but didnt have the balls to tell me so thats why his parents were doing it. so i was flipping out. i called jim told him to call me back and i called erik who was the one that said it. erik said he believes that jim did fuck her, and that he didnt say the other part in those words but it must be semi true if he was telling me to find a new boyfriend. so as im crying..again.. jim calls and i question him about it. he says no he didnt fuck danielle that night BUT he did mess around with her before. now jim is the love of my life. he is my world. you all know this. so as my heart is breaking and im slowly dying inside while im talking to him he preceeds to tell me that hes not sure if it was while we were together or not. first it was, then it wasnt, he didnt remember. he never remembers anything. im crying my eyes out.he asked me what i was thinking i begged him to tell me he was lying. that if he really wanted us to be on break, id be on break just as long as he told me he was lying. and he said why would i lie? he told me before that he was trying to make me mad so that if i was mad it wouldnt hurt so much. so i begged him repeatedly to tell me he was lying. and he said no he wasnt. i died on my front porch that night. then he made me promise not to go beat her up. so i promised that I would not beat her up. then he made me promise that i wouldnt send someone to get her. so i promised i would not SEND someone after her. and he was all happy cuz he thought all the bases were covered. he was like you got really calm all of a sudden. and i said bc you didnt cover all the bases. and hes like what did i miss. and i said like im gonna tell you. hes like no tell me. i said fuck you. i was thinking i wont get her and i wont send someone after her but its not my fault if someone VOLUNTEERS to get her.hehehe.

then that motherfucker told me he loved me and i needed to relax. i said you fucking relax. i hate you. i told him, you are my whole life jim. my life started with you and it was supposed to end with you too. ive loved you since we first met, and then you tell me you cheated on me..possibly and you want me to fucking relax. i told him to fuck off and i hung up.

thats where im gonna end it for now. more tomorrow