save me from the nothing ive become...

ok so where was i......oh cheating. so he kept calling me all night long asking me what i was thinking and blah blah blah. i told him that i couldnt believe he would do that. i know him bettter than that. i believe that yes he did hook up with her and that maybe it was while him and i were talking but i dont beleive it was while we were together. i tried to do some researh on it bc i know alot of people. but i couldnt find anything out. so.. i went to bed. bc for me there are only 3 things i do to get myself through things. sleep...ALOT. cry while listening to really sad songs which always somehow apply to me. and watch sad movies. i cried while i listened to songs till i fell asleep. i did talk to alot of my friends about it, and everyone had different views on it. some said what most of you are saying that i should drop him, and beat the bitches ass. and the others said not to get too worked up about it bc you dont know all the details and if it was while you were together, they didnt fuck..and it was way early on in the relationship. and i said..im going to bed. jim called a million times while i was sleeping. i think he was worried that i may kill myself. i am very fragile like like that. i know you all think i am like superman, but when it comes to love im like mush. i have no form.

so i went to work on thursday, and i flipped out on people and i cried and finaly i got myself in the zone and cleared my head so i could work. jim called a bunch of times and he was starting to irritate me.lol. i didnt talk to him bc to do that i had to think about us and i had no room for that while i was at work. i decided that afterwork i was gonna go make peace with his mom somehow, bc it just seemed like the thing to do. well that was a mess. shouldnt have wasted my 2 hours. she told me she dislikes everything about me and that what jim tells her and tells me are two different things and that probably in the end we wont be together anyway, that she didnt want me to stay at the house and that sending austin to jersey was stupid. whatever. i talked to jim later that night and he told me not to pay any attention to his mom. and then asked me what i thought about the other stuff, like me and him stuff. i know what you are all gonna say, but just hold your anger till the end. thanks. i told him that i truly didnt beleive that he did anything. its not the way hes made. i know that if he didnt want me anymore that he wouldve tossed me to the side.. i dont care what anyone says. all my friends have been telling me im an idiot, but i dont care. you guys only know what i tell you, you dont know jim, so its hard for me to tell you about it and have you feel like i made the right choice.

friday i took off of work so i could pack austins stuff up and then proceed to take him to jersey. it was very sad. although i knew i was doing the right thing i was very sad. i dropped him off after i hung out with him a bit, left my mind on shutdown so as to be strong for him, and then journeyeed on to my sissys house. shes so cute. she made me a cd. of course all the songs are like slit your throat songs. just kidding. but they arent very happy thought oriented. then i irritated the shit out of her. bc its so fun.lol i love her. saturday i got up and went to my friend gios house. we went out to breakfast and then we went to merris house, which is where austin was. as soon as i get there shes like go down to the basement. so then we had a serious talk and she told me shouldnt keep austin, after she was the one that talked me into it and sent me on my way with $500. and a hug and a sorry. i was pissed. not bc austin was coming back but bc, she made such a big deal out of him going there, and it helped me out alot cuz then i could leave this house and go stay with randi till i saved money to go to jersey as well as go to school. and now all of that was fucked. but i didnt cry. just stayed on lockdown.

so i drove all the fucking way back home. and was exhausted when i got here and pissed i put 400 miles on my car for nothing. i decided i wanted to get extremely trashed. to the point of throwing up. ive fucking had it with life. i hate the plan that god has made for me and i hate all of his fucking tests. and im tired of hearing this will make you stronger. dammit all to fucking hell, with all the bullshit ive been through i should be the fucking incredible hulk. its like it never ends. as soon as a tiny little ray of hope comes, that big bitch black cloud comes along and massacres it. sighhhh. anyway, so i called jims friend erik, the one i fought with, and asked him to please come and get intoxicated with me.lol and then we dug into the past and i finally got him to tell me that jim and danielle did hook up before me and jim were together. i know hes not lying bc theres no reason for him to cover up for jim after he already said it. so i feel a little bit better. i will be kicking jims ass when he comes home in like 2020.

sighhhhhh