like sand through the hourglass

these are the days of our lives...lol. it sounded better than im an asshole. plus i believe ive used that one a few times already. so today at work i may have started some drama. hehe and no i dont feel sorry about it. if that changes your opinion of me..then it changes it. i dont care. i do not pretend to be anything i am not. so there.lol

today at work we had what is called a focus group meeting. this is where you take one person from each dept. and they go in and give suggestions to help things along. so they say. but really its a big bitch fest. i was chosen bc i am the best person to be vocal about these things. which is true. but the big boss runs these meetings and i felt nervous. and when i get nervous i turn beet red.lol ears and all. im not sure why.. i guess its the feeling of pressure to do a good job representing my dept. whatever. so i did my good job. now in doing this alot of the others bitched a whole lot about my supervisor. i laughed my ass off about this bc it is all true stuff. and it was great to hear others bitch about my thoughts exactly. BUT her bf was in there too so there isnt a whole lot i could actually say without it getting back to her. which i dont really care if it did..but shes the bosses pet. so when she comes and gets in my face and screaming..i am liable to hit her. i do not like when people get in my face and bitch. pisses me off to no end. brings me back to my childhood and i dont like going there. anyway. so everyone was bitching it was a really funny meeting.lol. well when it was over she asked how it had went. so i told her. and i told her most of the things that were said. she was super pissed that everyone was bitching about her. and the best part was she was having a good day before that. now the reason this is really funny to me is bc when i was super pissed last friday she was irritatingly cheery and it made my mood worse. plus all the shit said was true. she thinks bc she is the bosses pet she can not do a damn thing and get away with it. and do a ton of other shit that we arent allowed to do and get away with it. so there is now some drama. oops..lol

in other news..yesterday was my mommy's bday. she would have been 43 years old. it sucks that she isnt here bc i miss her alot. but i believe she is up in heaven living a much better life then she did here. i beleive she watches over me and my sissy and bro. and austin too. and jim as well. i pray every night and tell her to keep my babies safe. which is the before said. i believe that she is the reason jim is still alive and doing well. and that he survived the last deployment. i beleive that she is the reason why my sissy lived after what i like to call her awakening. i belive she is the reason my car hasnt fallen apart and killed us yet as well. but i miss her. i miss calling her every day and telling her things going on in my life. i miss talking to her about jim. i miss talking to her about my sissy. and remembering funny stories and feeling that whole mother daughter bond. i hate that my sister didnt get to fell that and i hate that it took so long for us to get to where we were and then she passed. i have so much hate as far as those things when it comes to her. and i hate the fact that i got through yesterday like it was any old day. my moms sister called to see if i was doing alright and i said yea. but in truth i just pretend that she is just far away and unreachable. i know i shouldnt let myself be dissillusioned..but i cant deal with the fact that shes gone. i refuse to go to her gravesite. i do blow a kiss and tell her i love her. but if i go and actually see the tombstone..that means ill have to accept that she is gone. and i dont wanna. it may be unhealthy..but thats how it is. shes not supposed to be dead. shes supposed to be in nj..waiting for me to come visit so she can teach my son bad things like blowing raspberrys and spitting all over me like she had started. shes supposed to be ther when i get married to jim and say how proud she is that i found true love with him. shes supposed to be here for my sisters graduation and be proud that one of us finally graduated school. shes supposed to be here dammit!!! but what good does it do to fall apart and be angry. there is no changing what has been done. it seems unfair that the good people in the world die so early in life while the assholes who kill people beat their wives sell drugs to young kids live long healthy lives. life is so unfair.

so a moment of silence a little belated to the bravest women ive ever known. who gave up her life so we could live..and took more abuse than anyone should..so we could be happy

Tracy Mosseau 9/21/62-3/15/02