In Loving Memory Of...

In loving memory of my mom..Tracy A....i want to dedicate tomorrow as a moment of silence kind of day. 4 years ago tomorrow was the most god awful day ever. The day my mom passed on. I cried..and drank...then cried...and drank some more. I was lucky to have jim with me at the time. Or dont know how i would have gotten through the day. I remember it all like it was just yesterday. My gramma called me and told me that the doctors were saying that we needed to go there and see her while we could. they said this alot so i never beleived it. and just wrote it off as crap. the last time they said that i went and it was the most horrifying experience ever. she was all sickly and yellow and just awful looking. it was sad and scary and everything it wasnt supposed to be. i wanted to be anywhere but that room. she was covered in bruises from all the needles she had to get. her eyes were yellow and she was too thin. and i said i would never go again. and i wasnt going to. then jim told me we were going..and said he would be there with me. so i said ok. he had to work the next day so while he was working i was gonna pack our stuff up and make sandwiches for the drive. i woke up and went to ask my gramma what time the store opened and she said that my mom had passed during the night. i was in shock. i went upstairs and got dressed and then told my gramma i was going to the store. i got a phone card and called jim and told him what happened and he said he would leave work and hurry home. i cried for hours. i didnt think of my gramma who mustve been equally as sad...but i left my son with her. and i just cried. cried bc she was really gone..and cried bc i was too selfish to go see her sooner and cried bc she would miss me getting married and miss austin growing up..i just cried. then jim got home and held me as i cried some more. i called the guy my mom was living with and some drunken psycho woman answered and yelled at me..which made it all worse. the trip there sucked..and i cried all weekend. and you ever notice when you are really sad all the saddest damn movies come on? i watched sweet november and my girl and fucking bawled my eyeballs out. it was a rough weekend. but the worse part was seeing my sister...then 13 and not being allowed to tell her what happened. bc my stepdad wouldnt allow it. he wanted to tell her as he took her to a parade in nyc.


anyway....i dont go and visit her. i drive past the cemetery all the time and i blow kisses but i never stop. maybe 3 times have i been there. it makes me feel guilty when i dont stop..but i feel guilty all the time. i guess i never really embraced the fact that she isnt here. like its all a bad dream. and shes just on vacation somewhere where i cant call her. i miss her everyday and always wish i could call and talk to her...but i cant. and it sucks to be alone when this day comes bc then i think and i get feeling ashamed of myself and my selfish actions. but i know that at least the last time when i talked to her it was a good talk. i told her about how i thought jim was the special one for me..and she was soo happy for me that i found love. and that was the last talk we ever had.

so R.I.P. mom....here is a moment of silence for you. we love you and miss you





shes the one in the middle



im on the right and my sissy in the middle


sighhh...i miss you