and so it goes

ok so i have a little time right now so let me do the summary of all that happened. ok so jims mom kicked me out and i went and stayed with my friend randi for awhile. then when i was sitting there watching tv he came bursting through the door. i was in shock for a second and then i got all excited jumped up and ran to him kissing him and squeezing him and being soooo happy that the day had finally come. and he said its not good. i didnt know what that meant and he then informed me that we were through. i was in total shock. i just stared at him trying to understand like he was speaking german to me. and then finally it hit me and i fell to the ground and cried and cried. i was sooooo upset. i begged him to change his mind and to reconsider but he wasnt hearing it. apparently he had been home for a week before he even told me he was home. and apparently his cunt mother had told him a whole bunch of lies of course which he beleived. something about me having all these guys over the house. and stupid shit like that. i bout died inside. i felt dead. and empty. nothing i said made any difference to him at all. i think had it not been for austin or my sister...i wouldve jumped off a damn bridge..and it was close even still. he said he had also heard that i cheated on him which was not true at all. you all know how i was about jim. then as i was moving things out of the house i learned a few more things. i learned that he didnt have to go to iraq he VOLUNTEERED to go. which killed me all over again. i think had he not gone away everything would have been fine. then he told me he cheated on me 3 times. one with that whore who i was stressing about before if you can remember. that put me over the edge. i fucked him up. made him bleed. then come to find out he moved that whore....danielle into MY house. and then again later i found out that he got her pregnant and he gave her a ring. i just recently found the pictures of the brand new baby they have. it is a beautiful baby and goddamn it broke my heart to see this bitch having MY life..the life i was supposed to have. its been almost a year and im still not over it. i have NOT dated bc i dont think i can..and really i dont want to. noone will ever be what jim was to me. im better then i was in the beginning...but still not healed by far. the good thing is that i lost weight....he got fat. haha fat bastard. he did cheat on her with me a few times. back when i was still vulnerable and thought maybe i could get him back. but now i live in nj im kinda happy here...and not so much at the same time. i think about jim all the time. more so now that i keep seeing all these pictures of his happy life without me. i work at ups where i get asked out every day...but i just cant do it. id rather be alone then to ever love somoene like i did him and then to feel the way i did after....and sooooo yea...thats what happened.

i do beleive i will be blogging again bc there isnt anywhere else really i can put all my thoughts out there. so we will all have to play catch up