lessons you learn in life
so i got to thinking just now. and i realize that ive become a selfish person. now ive been told this a few times lately but just pushed it aside. then me and jim had a tiff tonight and i realized it was true. to me, it really is just about, all about me. i called my aunt last week after i heard that i was selfish and told her what had been said about me. and she said well maybe you should tell them that all your life its never been about you.
you see growing up in my house was hell. and like people say, you learn from your life and all the things that happen. well heres a sum of my life.
i was born to a 17yr old mother and an older father. my mom married him but he beat her and had a big drinking problem so she left. eventually she met this man and i guess he was prince charming to her. i dont remember much of that. i believe that i have blocked out alot of my childhood life for the reasons coming. when i was about 6/7 i remember waking up one night to my mom shaking me awake. i remember her crying and her ears being all bloody from where her earrings had been ripped out. i realized in my older days that she had been beaten very badly. we moved out for awhile,but as many women who are beaten, she went back eventually. everything was fine for awhile. my sissy was born later and eventually my bro. then we moved to this big beautiful house. huge. i call it the hell house now. once we moved there it seemed as though everything went to hell. my mom was beaten nightly. sometimes not too bad. sometimes the cops would come. i always heard it and always saw the damage the next day. i was too young to fully grasp it. maybe i wasnt who knows. while she was miserable all the time i was forced to basically raise my sister. i was like 13 my sissy like 5. well being a new teen i only wanted to spend so much time with her. when i didnt wanna play anymore my sister would cry and my mom would beat the hell out of me. i always had bruises, broken blood vessels, rug burn, missing hair. i had a broken toe once but mostly shed crack me in the face. it happened for years. well in between be beaten and the nightly fights between the rents, my stepdad would molest me. i lost my virginity at 13 to a man who was sorta my dad. i never told anyone then. never. that happened for about 2-3 years until i read a book on sexual abuse and told him to leave me alone. no matter how good i was or how hard i tried to please everyone, i always payed for someone elses misery. always. then i got kicked out of that house and went to live at my moms, where she didnt want me but had to have me bci was hers. while living there i still got hit and mentally abused as well. my mom was an alcoholic and when she got going she was scary. i got raped on my 17th bday and after that i just kinda shut myself down. i did whatever anyone wanted. then my mom started getting sick and i always had to take care of her bc she couldnt do anything. i got pregnant shortly after and decided that i was leaving her to go start a life by myself. while in florida i lived with a girl who also had a child and her man went psycho and left. so i had to take care of my child her, and her child. i worked 16 hours a day so that we could live. then she turned on me and i moved to pa, where i ended up with another roomate i had to take care of. all my life ive been taking care of other people, and not taking care of myself. i guess i feel its time for me,ya know.
then today i realized i am selfish. i want everything to be about me. the way i want it. i was telling someone today about getting the ring when jim comes back, and they were saying technically i was engaged. so when jim finally called i said something along the lines of ask me to marry you,blahblahblah. and we got into this tiff. he said i was ruining the whole thing and hed already told me more than he wanted to,bc i was nagging him. now yesterday when he told me he was happy sounding about it. today im a nag. so i was pissed.
i dunno anymore. i dont want to be known as a selfish person, but i dont think im really aware of doing it. this whole time jims been gone, all ive done is whine about how miserable i am. not even really thinking how he is. and how it must be bad for him. i guess i never really feel bad for him bc he signed up for this. i dont really know how to explain it really.
all i know is im strating not to like myself anymore. ive always prided myself on being a good person considering where ive come from and the battles ive been through. but im starting to think i cant justify myself on all that anymore.
i dont like who i am anymore...why should jim ask me to be his wife??
you see growing up in my house was hell. and like people say, you learn from your life and all the things that happen. well heres a sum of my life.
i was born to a 17yr old mother and an older father. my mom married him but he beat her and had a big drinking problem so she left. eventually she met this man and i guess he was prince charming to her. i dont remember much of that. i believe that i have blocked out alot of my childhood life for the reasons coming. when i was about 6/7 i remember waking up one night to my mom shaking me awake. i remember her crying and her ears being all bloody from where her earrings had been ripped out. i realized in my older days that she had been beaten very badly. we moved out for awhile,but as many women who are beaten, she went back eventually. everything was fine for awhile. my sissy was born later and eventually my bro. then we moved to this big beautiful house. huge. i call it the hell house now. once we moved there it seemed as though everything went to hell. my mom was beaten nightly. sometimes not too bad. sometimes the cops would come. i always heard it and always saw the damage the next day. i was too young to fully grasp it. maybe i wasnt who knows. while she was miserable all the time i was forced to basically raise my sister. i was like 13 my sissy like 5. well being a new teen i only wanted to spend so much time with her. when i didnt wanna play anymore my sister would cry and my mom would beat the hell out of me. i always had bruises, broken blood vessels, rug burn, missing hair. i had a broken toe once but mostly shed crack me in the face. it happened for years. well in between be beaten and the nightly fights between the rents, my stepdad would molest me. i lost my virginity at 13 to a man who was sorta my dad. i never told anyone then. never. that happened for about 2-3 years until i read a book on sexual abuse and told him to leave me alone. no matter how good i was or how hard i tried to please everyone, i always payed for someone elses misery. always. then i got kicked out of that house and went to live at my moms, where she didnt want me but had to have me bci was hers. while living there i still got hit and mentally abused as well. my mom was an alcoholic and when she got going she was scary. i got raped on my 17th bday and after that i just kinda shut myself down. i did whatever anyone wanted. then my mom started getting sick and i always had to take care of her bc she couldnt do anything. i got pregnant shortly after and decided that i was leaving her to go start a life by myself. while in florida i lived with a girl who also had a child and her man went psycho and left. so i had to take care of my child her, and her child. i worked 16 hours a day so that we could live. then she turned on me and i moved to pa, where i ended up with another roomate i had to take care of. all my life ive been taking care of other people, and not taking care of myself. i guess i feel its time for me,ya know.
then today i realized i am selfish. i want everything to be about me. the way i want it. i was telling someone today about getting the ring when jim comes back, and they were saying technically i was engaged. so when jim finally called i said something along the lines of ask me to marry you,blahblahblah. and we got into this tiff. he said i was ruining the whole thing and hed already told me more than he wanted to,bc i was nagging him. now yesterday when he told me he was happy sounding about it. today im a nag. so i was pissed.
i dunno anymore. i dont want to be known as a selfish person, but i dont think im really aware of doing it. this whole time jims been gone, all ive done is whine about how miserable i am. not even really thinking how he is. and how it must be bad for him. i guess i never really feel bad for him bc he signed up for this. i dont really know how to explain it really.
all i know is im strating not to like myself anymore. ive always prided myself on being a good person considering where ive come from and the battles ive been through. but im starting to think i cant justify myself on all that anymore.
i dont like who i am anymore...why should jim ask me to be his wife??
posted by naughtygirl @ 11:34 PM
4 Comments:
At 3:41 PM,
wanda said…
Wow! First of all I'm not sure I should be giving you any advice except get some serious counseling. You have been through a great deal. You survived but now you have to begin not only to heal but to BREAK the mold. You cannot do this alone. Trust me.
I now understand so much better your relationship with Jim's Mom.
Please if you don't listen to anything else, listen to this. You need help in dealing with your past, and creating a better future. For you, for your child and for Jimmy too. Yes, it's understandable that you would want it to be all about you for a change. But sweetie that's probably not going to happen. Not often. Everyone is self-involved. Some more than others. If you really want this relationship with Jim to work out you have got to learn to love yourself first.
You have the right to want Jim to ask you to marry him, but you don't have the right to expect him to ask you. It has to come from his heart. Isn't that really the only way you'd want it to be? Try to be patient. He's already dealing with one woman who's domineering and pushy (his Mother). You can't blame him if he wants to be careful.
Is there a women shelter in your area? If so check with them about getting some counseling. If not, check with the mental health clinic, or with a local church where you'd feel comfortable.
Jerzee, you've suffered a lot of damage in your life. You need someone to help you begin to heal and grow. There are folks out there who can help you with that.
At 11:34 PM,
Queen on the run said…
((((((((hugs)))))))))
At 12:06 PM,
Dom said…
Considering everything you've been through I reckon you're pretty nice and down to earth. Not that I know you very well at all, but I'd want to be friends with you from the small contact that we've had. And I don't think you're being selfish by watching out for yourself and your child. I think that's women's perogative in many ways, isn't it? And you shouldnever feel bad about wanting good things for yourself. Especially as you've given so much to others in your life so far. And Jim obviously cares for you othewise you wouldn't be together. So give the guy a chance to ask you to marry him and I'm sure he will. And remember it's good to share stuff as well. There are a lot of us out here who do care and will listen.
So hang in there and be strong. and love you for what you are - a good person.
At 2:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
I have been trying to comment here like 2 days.
Anyway, it is hard to be objective about yourself, but my guess is that youa re not being so selfish.
After all if you moved to the fucking boonies without getting married, that is a prety big sacrifice.
So, probably your mother in law is a cunt (sounds like it from before) and your boyfriend is just not thinking too clearly, likely cause he is in boot camp or whatever. Anyway, dont let people walka ll over you, though, or you will have one miserable life!
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