major meltdown

ok well im back. quick huh? i feel better today. i had my major emotional breakdown. it was about due. i woke up yesterday and i felt so incredibly depressed. everything was just taking its toll on me. and it made me feel worse that i only seem to bitch or whine on here anymore.

so anyway, i got up yesterday and like i said i just felt sad. i was pretty much on the verge of tears all day long. jims 2 friends were supposed to come over here yesterday to help me with the bowflex.so i called the one up and he said he wasnt coming he had schoolwork to do. so i was like ok cool. then he was like and i made plans to go out. i was like holdup, you told me you were gonna come here and your nto cuz your going out with someone else? and hes like well i made plans. and i said yea but we made plans first. so he fed me some more bullshit and then i hung up. i almost cried then but held back. then i called the other boy,he said he was still coming but he was gonna play paintball first. so i was like ok cool. so then i called my friend randi cuz she was coming too. she was coming later so i was like ok cool.

then i got to sitting around and missing jim. and then he called. so i was starting to tell him something and he had to go of course. it seems like everytime i talk to him he cuts me off cuz hes gotta go do this or that, or hes tired or hes sick. and its incredibly frustrating. he called back later and couldnt understand my sadness. i tried to push it aside to tell him something that made me happy..and he had to go. i was aaagggggghhhhhh. i wanted to scream so bad. then randi came by,and we were waiting on erik. guess what? he blew me off. so i was pissed again. then randi left. she was supposed to stay for awhile,but decided she was tired cuz she went to the bar hte night before and had to get up early for work.and now she was tired.

then i lost it. i cried and cried.i called my bibsy so i could talk to someone cuz i knew i wasnt doing good, and if i didnt talk to someone,something bad would happen. my poor sister. she had stuff to do but was afraid to leave me alone. at that time jim called and i was crying my eyeballs out. hes like whats wrong? dont be sad, and i told him how extremely frustrating it is to me to be all alone. i am not the kind of person who can be alone like this. it makes me insane. and then he had the nerve to say something incredible stupid,like maybe you should get a new man if thats what you want. are you kidding me? if thats what i wanted id have done it by now. dumbass.

so i tried to explain to him what was wrong. but no matter how i tried he couldnt understand for some reason. so ill try to explain to you guys. i love jim with my whole heart.when hes here im like glued to him,bc it seems like he is my glue. like hes what keeps me together. i love always being with him i cant stand when hes not around. so him being away from me for so long with longer to go is killing me. all i have are the phone conversations we have. and when everytime i get to telling him something,hes gotta go for some reason or another. like hes too busy for me. i know hes busy,but i dont like feeling like he has no time for me. it kinda makes me feel unloved i guess, even though thats not the case. if i dont have him on hte phone i feel like i dont have him at all. and being alone all the time and doing nothing doesnt help. but all my friends have lives too and cant really leave them to be with me. they are all married with kids.but im just falling apart it feels like. and the worst part is i dont have pms,so i cant blame it on anything. this is me 100%. all my feelings. i hate feeling alone. ive felt like it all my life until jim. he keeps saying you lived your life 21 years without me, and im like yea but theni had you and everything changed. i dunno how to explain it.

i cried for about 2 hours straight. then my eyeballs were swolleni had to go to sleep. i feel a lil bit better,but i know its only a matter of time before it happens again. see last time the reason i survived was cuz i lived with a lesbian chick. we were either high or drunk all the time. i dont want to be like that again. but its starting to seem as if thats my only option...