another weekend ends

hello all. hope you all had a nice drunken st pattys day. i did. haha. my friend gio from nj came down and we went out to the bar for some st. pattys drinking. although i forgot to drink something green..dammit.lol shows how lit i was to start with.lol it was an interesting time. we went to the local hillbilly bar to meet up with the work people and had a decent time. except the ex showed up. some of you know who i mean when i say i saw jeff there. sighhhhhh..i was like dammit all to hell. so i tried my best to pretend he wasnt there. but he is like 6ft or over. so he towered over everyone and was hard to miss. gio said he kept looking at me all night. i bet he was..hahaha he was even standing right next to me at one point. sighhhh. gio was flirting with the bartender. who ended up coming here the next night. after iiiiiiiii had to talk to him all night bc she was scurt. which i have never seen her shy before so this was a weird thing to me. but anyway, on saturday my other friends frank and ed came as well. and we spent almost all day being intoxicated...lol to the point i had to get a nap in to reenergize and be able to go out that night as well. it was alot of fun. i miss these people sooooooo much. jim better appreciate all this bc i really hate it here and would rather be in jersey with all the poeple who are just like me. and understand me..sighh

he has moved to a new shift and i wont be able to talk to him except on the weekends. not that i talk to him alot anyway. but he has been doing a little better later with getting on here to talk to me. but it still sucks. i miss him alot.

and i leave you with a few pics...bc i know you love them

In Loving Memory Of...

In loving memory of my mom..Tracy A....i want to dedicate tomorrow as a moment of silence kind of day. 4 years ago tomorrow was the most god awful day ever. The day my mom passed on. I cried..and drank...then cried...and drank some more. I was lucky to have jim with me at the time. Or dont know how i would have gotten through the day. I remember it all like it was just yesterday. My gramma called me and told me that the doctors were saying that we needed to go there and see her while we could. they said this alot so i never beleived it. and just wrote it off as crap. the last time they said that i went and it was the most horrifying experience ever. she was all sickly and yellow and just awful looking. it was sad and scary and everything it wasnt supposed to be. i wanted to be anywhere but that room. she was covered in bruises from all the needles she had to get. her eyes were yellow and she was too thin. and i said i would never go again. and i wasnt going to. then jim told me we were going..and said he would be there with me. so i said ok. he had to work the next day so while he was working i was gonna pack our stuff up and make sandwiches for the drive. i woke up and went to ask my gramma what time the store opened and she said that my mom had passed during the night. i was in shock. i went upstairs and got dressed and then told my gramma i was going to the store. i got a phone card and called jim and told him what happened and he said he would leave work and hurry home. i cried for hours. i didnt think of my gramma who mustve been equally as sad...but i left my son with her. and i just cried. cried bc she was really gone..and cried bc i was too selfish to go see her sooner and cried bc she would miss me getting married and miss austin growing up..i just cried. then jim got home and held me as i cried some more. i called the guy my mom was living with and some drunken psycho woman answered and yelled at me..which made it all worse. the trip there sucked..and i cried all weekend. and you ever notice when you are really sad all the saddest damn movies come on? i watched sweet november and my girl and fucking bawled my eyeballs out. it was a rough weekend. but the worse part was seeing my sister...then 13 and not being allowed to tell her what happened. bc my stepdad wouldnt allow it. he wanted to tell her as he took her to a parade in nyc.


anyway....i dont go and visit her. i drive past the cemetery all the time and i blow kisses but i never stop. maybe 3 times have i been there. it makes me feel guilty when i dont stop..but i feel guilty all the time. i guess i never really embraced the fact that she isnt here. like its all a bad dream. and shes just on vacation somewhere where i cant call her. i miss her everyday and always wish i could call and talk to her...but i cant. and it sucks to be alone when this day comes bc then i think and i get feeling ashamed of myself and my selfish actions. but i know that at least the last time when i talked to her it was a good talk. i told her about how i thought jim was the special one for me..and she was soo happy for me that i found love. and that was the last talk we ever had.

so R.I.P. mom....here is a moment of silence for you. we love you and miss you





shes the one in the middle



im on the right and my sissy in the middle


sighhh...i miss you

a dead end night

ok so friday i was going to go out. it had been planned all week long..bc a bunch of people from work were going. and i needed to get out so i said i would go. and of course you know me going out requires my sidekick randi. well she is now my former sidekick. i will not be asking her to go anywhere anymore. so i go to her house and finish the getting ready process. which consisted of straightening my hair.



you cant tell but its all curly like..to this



so around 10 30 we went to the hillbilly bar.the same one we have been going to for years now. you know so we all know what to expect when we get here. alot of bad kareoke and some toothless hillbillies. and i was ok with that...bc i know better then to think that we will go anywhere fun around here. bc there is nowhere fun to go. unless you wanna drive far. which i am up for..but everywhere fun to randi is a hike. now if it is fuin i think it is worth it..nooooo not her. so whatever we are here. and im gonna try and make the best of the night. the people from my work show up and they are all liquored up. they have all been drinking since work ended at 3 30.lol.







so it got to be like 12 30am..and randi started bitching. she wasnt having fun, she wanted to go home..blah blah blah...actually i guess it was like 12 when she started whining. she wanted to dance and joe..the dj guy..wasnt playing dance music..blah blah blah. and so i got pissed and said well ran..its not like you didnt know this was gonna happen. and yea...so she dragged my ass out and made me leave. i was sooo fucking pissed off. i didnt speak to her the whole drive home. the first time we go out in over a month and she made me leave at friggin 12 30..there was another hour and half before the place closed. it makes me mad that she knows how it is there but insists on going. had i known she was gonna bail i wouldve driven my damn self. and what makes me even madder is that she wont even try to go somewhere else where i know she would have a ton of fun bc it is too far for her. that just kills me. noone wants to drive far..but if its fun it seems worth it to me. whatever..so im not going anywhere with her anymore.

my friends from nj are coming next weekend. my friend gio and my friends frank and eddie. im really excited bc i havent seen frank since i left nj. he was my bestest friend. i love him. its funny bc we got into a tiff when i was there bc he was dating some girl and bc of her he didnt have time for me. so we ended on bad terms sort of. and then i found him again and thought maybe it would be weird talking to him..but its like we were never apart. so im really excited for this. yayyy...and of course gio too bc i love her. there is talk of going to baltimore or philly to party. and i am sooooo excited.

and thats all there is for now

a little bit jersey

well i actually have something to write about. yayyy..lol first off i would like to thank all of you who complimented me on my scary picture. and even with all of you saying that...i cannot live by my natural beauty bc it scares me.lol

anyway, so some things have changed in the work scene. the crabby old lady threw a friggin fit on friday and quit. the meadow has retuned.lol she got in a big tizzy and then just up and quit. so everyone is much happier now that her miserable ass is gone. this now means i can listen to my radio playing my music as loud as i want. yayyyy...but it means i have to do the harder job now and the new girl gets to do my old job. not so yay. but whatever.

friday i came home and got ready for the exciting weekend to come. let me tell you how i ate ALOT this weekend. i will not go into detail how much i ate..but damn it was alot. she brought me bagels from jersey...mmmmmm...bagels. and i ate a good bit of that. and then we went to breakfast and ordered out a few times..and we rented a movie and drank jolt and ate fun dip..lmao and remisnisced. god i love her. and the baby isssss soooooooooooooo cute!! i love babies. i guess maybe i didnt have a lot to tell. lol..but here is an intoxicated pic of me and her...im sure you will all get a good laugh out of it! :)



notice my natural beauty isnt so beautiful in this picture..lol

GRRRRRRRR

im telling you if i can survive the next few months without killing that damn bitch i will be shocked. so..she calls today and asks me if i talked to jim. so we talk about him for a few minutes. then she goes....so i came to the house on turesday. and i just say okkkkk..and she goes..it looks good. im thinking it better fucking look good. took me four fucking days to do what she wanted. but i say yay. and then she goes...do you wanna know what you missed. and im thinking are you fucking kidding me? what could i have possibly missed. well i didnt scrub down the doors. who the fuck does that? i know i dont. i cant remember my mom or the house cleaning people ever scrubbing down doors. sighh...this damn bitch is killing me. i really hate her.

i talked to jim today which was good bc of all the shit going on over there. and he is well..very busy but well. i only have a few more months left. thank god. i think he will be home either in june or july if not sooner. thats not too bad since it is already march. im so happy. hopefully it will fly by.


and by request of miss maya..which i think i spelled wrong..if so sorry love..here is a picture of me makeup less....dont be scurt..lol




i know it looks naked like...and it is..but you cant see nothing.lol