feeling ugly

im not really sure whats wrong with me lately. pms has been here and gone. i dont know if its bc im lonely or bc i havent heard from jim in 10 days now or wtf it is. but i hate it. im ok all day long until i come home from my shitty job. but i just feel so ugly and fat and just a waste of a girl. i know you guys probably cant relate but i know you girls can. im so depressed lately. i dont even really know how to explain it. i look in myself in the mirror everyday and think of all the things about me that iw anna change. and when i get done with my list..im not even me anymore. theres only two qualities about me that i really like,but if i could change them id change them too. i feel ucky for lack of a better term and i feel like even if i lose all this weight that i wanna lose(which is gonna take a long ass time) that that wont even make me feel any better. ill just be able to wear slutty clothes.lol

ive been wondering if its all the things from when i grew up,if thats finally taken a toll on me. but i just dont feel noticeable. i even question why jim wants to be with me when god knows hes hot as hell and could have much more beautiful girls then me. i always wondered why he did stay with me. even when i was thin. the difference is then i didnt really care if he stayed or not. now i do. but short of going on that show the swan nothing will make me pretty. ive even asked friends before if they thought i was pretty.like guys id dated before. and they always said that it wasnt my looks but my personality that made them like me. is that just a way to say you arent much to look at but you are really cool?even jim said that my personality and that i had big tits is why he stayed.

sighhh im ready for bed.