when you left you took a part of me....

hello my friends. i recieved an email from jim last night. he is in kuwait and they dont have phones only internet. i was sadly dissapointed by the message i got. it was all about his parents. tell them this and tell them that. and at the end he wrote, alright love ill talk to you later love you forever jim. huh.. so i sent an email back. it goes as follows:



hello lover,

ok, so since there is no phone things going on, i need to talk to you about something really quick. its important to me so pay attention.

ok first things first, i love you very very very much. probably too much and definitely more than you love me. so understand why i need to ask you this stuff. i promise this will be the last bit of drama that passes between us from here on out. promise.

i do have alot of other stuff to tell you cuz so much has gone on since we last talked. but i want to get this over with. and no matter what the outcome is i will still tell you anyway,cuz you know, i love you and all.

so i talked to danielle the other day. i got wind of the fact that she was trying to call you and i got her number and called her. dont worry i was nice. i didnt curse or yell or anything. we were civil to each other. i know how that concerns you and all. anyway, me and her figured it out and you and her definitely hooked up before me and you. so i was releived. i continued to ask her about baltimore, and she said that nothing happened between you two, which i already knew but it was reassuring to hear it. BUT...she let me in on a few other things that happened while you were there.

she told me that while you two were walking to the car, that you stopped her and made her look at you. that you told her that you didnt want to be with me anymore. and would she please wait for you for 14 months so you could come home to her. you told her you were kicking me out in three days(which would've been when you left) and when you did that, it was the end of you and me.

now some of me believes it, that you said it. but some of me doesnt. cuz some things just dont add up right in my head. you know how i analyze everything. like when you first told me that you and danielle hooked up, i told you if you didnt want to be with me to just say it. and then the day you left for over there i said are you sure you dont wanna be on break. i gave you two chances to end this relationship, and you didnt take either of them. and you keep telling me how much you love me, which is great. cuz i love you very much. and ive never known you to be fake or to lie to me. and id hope you wouldnt feel the need to now.

she told me she wasnt the only one you said it to. she said that you told erik kim desiree and kyle too. but when i called and asked all them, they didnt hear that. erik said that you told him about the us being on break thing but that you never said you didnt want to be with me anymore. and when he tried to ask you about it in front of me you ignored him. everyone i asked only heard about it from her. so its your word against hers. i will beleive whatever you say

so what i want to know is, is it true? do you really not love me anymore? do you not want me around? bc if so i will go. you would be proud of me bc i am being so strong now. i havent cried since i found out. i dont want you to tell me you love me out of pity or anything else. so please tell me if its true if you said it or not. and if you did say it in your drunkeness,did you mean it. i wont go after danielle. i wont do anything but leave, if thats what you want. and i dont want you to say you want me to go, bc of the whole break thing. know that if you tell me its over, theres no going back and changing it. i have loved you since the very beginning of us. i never stopped and i probably wont ever. but i dont want to hurt. i dont want to be on break either bc you need me just as much as i need you now that you are gone. and to me it would be like telling me to give up on everything ive known for the past almost 4 years. like giving up on us. so i need to know what is true and what is not. i know ive changed alot and now with all this i can see how much. im sorry for trying to pressure you into marriage. i can see how dumb ive been. you are the best thing to ever happen to me jim. and i love you for all you have done for me.

but if you want us to end, tell me, and as soon as i can leave here, i will pack my shit and go and youll never have to worry about me again. as much as i love you i want you to be happy. and if that means life without you, then so it is.

i love you with every beat of my heart. please tell me soon bc the suspense is killing me


i love you

ness


im waiting on a reply whcih i probably wont get till tomorrow morning being as i didnt see the one he sent last night till 5 am. and i was on the comp till about 10 last night.

its a cliffhanger and im scared. i know all of you think i need to just get out of this relationship, but like i said, you dont know the whole thing only what i tell you. i know you are trying to help,but...ya know. so until tomorrow. i will post as soon as i know myself

i tear my heart open..just to feel

sighhhh..and the story continues. badly. again. fucking shit.

ok so yesterday was my first jim-less day. when i talked to him on monday night, he was getting ready to go over seas.when we last talked he told me how he loves me so much and well be together forever and he didnt want to be on break anymore. keep this all in mind.

so yesterday was my first no jim talking hes out of country day. and i was a little sad like but i survived. then i got out of work and came home and tried to call him bc we didnt know if his cell would work there or not. well his voice mail came on. and i dont know why but i got this overwhelming urge to check it for him knowing that he wouldnt be hearing the message anyway. now before i go on let me tell you i am not the psycho girlfriend that checks voice mail messages. but for some reason i really felt i needed to. and he had to messages. from danielle. she was all hey its me, i was just calling to see how things were going. call me back and then left a phone number. then she called back bc shes a dumb bitch and left a different number. the first number she left was her friends. fucking idiot. so when she called the second time, it was hers. so you know, me being who i am, i called it. i held off for awhile and talked to a few of my friends. bc i really wanted to call her, but i was really scared she would tell me her and jim did screw. but finally my friend cicly(the one who almost fucked danielle up,and i should have let her) said to me" vanessa i dont even know who you are anymore. ive always known you to be a headstrong kinda girl who says whats on her mind. the old vanessa would have called her up before calling me and then proceeded to kick her ass" haha. yea thats me. but i was scared. finally i had a brave minute and i called. no answer. so i called again. no answer. so i had my friend gio in nj call figuring danielle knew my number. no answer. so i blocked my number, somebodyu picked up this time but didnt say anything. so i didnt say anything back. so i hung up and called desiree, her friend, and told her what the deal was. i wasnt trying to fight danielle i just wanted some damn answers to my questions. she told me danielle was afraid of me.lmao. good dumb bitch. and she told me that danielle told her that she didnt mess with jim in baltimore.told me to try calling again. so i called her one more time, and this time she answered.

she was like hi vanessa. and i said hi danielle. this girl would be really cool if she wasnt such a tramp. anyway, i told her that i didnt want to fight with her i wasnt gonna beat her ass like everyone was calling her up and saying(like i really wanted to do!hehe). that i just wanted answers bc i need to know. so heres how it went


me: did you mess around with jim awhile back

slut: yes

me: do you remember when that was?

slut: about 3 years ago.

so i think about that for a bit and realize there is no way, bc jim wasnt even here. so we then decided that it was before me and jim were even together. bc she remembers it being in the summer time and it was awhile ago. so you know then im all happy. for a minute anyway.

me: did you and jim screw in an alley or any other kind of place while we were in baltimore?

she starts bitching and talking about she doesnt know why everyone is saying that and blahblah blah. but no its not true. they didnt screw in baltimore. so just as i am in releif thinking hey everything is gonna be ok, she lays down the bomb

she told me that if she were me that she wouldnt wait around for jim bc when they were together he made her look at him and told her he didnt want to be with me anymore. and would she wait for 14 months for him so he could come home to her. told her that he was kicking my ass out of the house in three days(which wouldve been last monday) and when that happened that was the end of him and me.

now, she told me that she wasnt the only one he said it too. and then listed off the names of the people he told, which i called every single one of them and it was the first they heard about it from her. not jim. now i kinda believe this. but all the pieces dont add up.

like when he first told me he messed around with danielle i told him if he didnt want to be with me to tell me. and he said he wanted to be with me. on monday i asked him if he still wanted to go on a break and he said no. he had two chances to to be done with me, and didnt take them. and hes been all lovey dovey with me. he actually said something sweetlike to me the other day. and there is other stuff too but i dont feel like typing anymore.

i wish i could talk to him. i dunno what the fuck im gonna do. but i know when he finally does call that im gonna ask him. and if he says its true, then im gone. and i will never love anyone again. its just not worth it. with that, an excerpt from my new fave song:


I remember when I was sittin home alone
Waitin for you Til 3 o'clock in the morn
Night after night
Knowin sumthing goin on
Wasn't home befo me
You was,you was gone
Lord knows it wasn't easy, but believe me.
Never thought you'd be the one that would deceived me.
And never do wha u was supposed to do
No need to hose me fool, cause I'm ova you
Cause what goes around, comes around.
What goes up, must come down.
Now who's cryin, desirin to come back to me
What goes around, comes around.
What goes up, must come down.
Gotta stop tryin, to come back to me
What goes around, comes around.
What goes up, must come down.
It's called Karma baby.
And it goes around.

i have a feeling that this song is gonna become real popular in my car after i talk to jim. you know what im not even sad. im pissed and i feel tired, and if its all good thats great,but if not fucking end it already. im tired of the drama.

save me from the nothing ive become...

ok so where was i......oh cheating. so he kept calling me all night long asking me what i was thinking and blah blah blah. i told him that i couldnt believe he would do that. i know him bettter than that. i believe that yes he did hook up with her and that maybe it was while him and i were talking but i dont beleive it was while we were together. i tried to do some researh on it bc i know alot of people. but i couldnt find anything out. so.. i went to bed. bc for me there are only 3 things i do to get myself through things. sleep...ALOT. cry while listening to really sad songs which always somehow apply to me. and watch sad movies. i cried while i listened to songs till i fell asleep. i did talk to alot of my friends about it, and everyone had different views on it. some said what most of you are saying that i should drop him, and beat the bitches ass. and the others said not to get too worked up about it bc you dont know all the details and if it was while you were together, they didnt fuck..and it was way early on in the relationship. and i said..im going to bed. jim called a million times while i was sleeping. i think he was worried that i may kill myself. i am very fragile like like that. i know you all think i am like superman, but when it comes to love im like mush. i have no form.

so i went to work on thursday, and i flipped out on people and i cried and finaly i got myself in the zone and cleared my head so i could work. jim called a bunch of times and he was starting to irritate me.lol. i didnt talk to him bc to do that i had to think about us and i had no room for that while i was at work. i decided that afterwork i was gonna go make peace with his mom somehow, bc it just seemed like the thing to do. well that was a mess. shouldnt have wasted my 2 hours. she told me she dislikes everything about me and that what jim tells her and tells me are two different things and that probably in the end we wont be together anyway, that she didnt want me to stay at the house and that sending austin to jersey was stupid. whatever. i talked to jim later that night and he told me not to pay any attention to his mom. and then asked me what i thought about the other stuff, like me and him stuff. i know what you are all gonna say, but just hold your anger till the end. thanks. i told him that i truly didnt beleive that he did anything. its not the way hes made. i know that if he didnt want me anymore that he wouldve tossed me to the side.. i dont care what anyone says. all my friends have been telling me im an idiot, but i dont care. you guys only know what i tell you, you dont know jim, so its hard for me to tell you about it and have you feel like i made the right choice.

friday i took off of work so i could pack austins stuff up and then proceed to take him to jersey. it was very sad. although i knew i was doing the right thing i was very sad. i dropped him off after i hung out with him a bit, left my mind on shutdown so as to be strong for him, and then journeyeed on to my sissys house. shes so cute. she made me a cd. of course all the songs are like slit your throat songs. just kidding. but they arent very happy thought oriented. then i irritated the shit out of her. bc its so fun.lol i love her. saturday i got up and went to my friend gios house. we went out to breakfast and then we went to merris house, which is where austin was. as soon as i get there shes like go down to the basement. so then we had a serious talk and she told me shouldnt keep austin, after she was the one that talked me into it and sent me on my way with $500. and a hug and a sorry. i was pissed. not bc austin was coming back but bc, she made such a big deal out of him going there, and it helped me out alot cuz then i could leave this house and go stay with randi till i saved money to go to jersey as well as go to school. and now all of that was fucked. but i didnt cry. just stayed on lockdown.

so i drove all the fucking way back home. and was exhausted when i got here and pissed i put 400 miles on my car for nothing. i decided i wanted to get extremely trashed. to the point of throwing up. ive fucking had it with life. i hate the plan that god has made for me and i hate all of his fucking tests. and im tired of hearing this will make you stronger. dammit all to fucking hell, with all the bullshit ive been through i should be the fucking incredible hulk. its like it never ends. as soon as a tiny little ray of hope comes, that big bitch black cloud comes along and massacres it. sighhhh. anyway, so i called jims friend erik, the one i fought with, and asked him to please come and get intoxicated with me.lol and then we dug into the past and i finally got him to tell me that jim and danielle did hook up before me and jim were together. i know hes not lying bc theres no reason for him to cover up for jim after he already said it. so i feel a little bit better. i will be kicking jims ass when he comes home in like 2020.

sighhhhhh

you wont get to see the tears i cry..behind these green eyes

ok so im back. quick hiatus huh? ok so heres the summary of my week. lets see lets go back to last saturday. we all went to baltimore. we went clubbing and it was fun until it was time to go home. everyone was too drunk and 8 out of 10 people were fighting. i almost got arrested for picking a fight with a cop(hehehehe pig fucker) then i was in a fight sorta, with jims friend. it was a rough ride home from baltimore. we rented a 15 passenger van and there was 10 of us drunk bastards in the car. well before we all met back at the car,(we all got split up bc we had some wanderers..fucking idiots) my friend cicily was going after this tramp danielle. now i hate danielle bc of an incident with jim and her a long time ago. so when i got there and cicily was being held back from beating her ass i was like hehehe. dumb bitch.lol well i was until i found out why. people were saying that her and jim were fucking in a back alley somewhere. now i was drinking yeigerbombs which are apparently not my friends bc i flipped the fuck out. i hate this bitch as it is and now to hear this at like 3 30 in the am when im trashed no good. so i let cicily go at her. i broke up with jim told him i hated him and to fuck off. and when we finally got in the damn car and left everything was quiet for awhile. well a short while anyway. then jims friend erik started running his mouth like laways when hes drunk, and pissed off cicly. i saw her fly over 2 seats to get at him. and in my awe of being like wow. this is that jerry springer shit, i grabbed her and somebody else grabbed him. cuz he was ready to brawl too. girl or no girl. so we went through that a few times. and finally jim went back there to keep control of erik and then erik pissed off jim. so then i had to try and hold him back which was not an easy task. now keep in mind this is all while someone else is driving. well when i finally got jim settled he went back to the front and erik started running his mouth to jim. telling jim he needed to be honest with me and tell him what he did and to stop being a pussy. and i was trying really hard to ignore him. and cicily was flapping her mouth and i was keeping her under restraint again. then he said something else and i was slowly starting to lose my patience so i started yelling at him to shut the fuck up. he started calling me a fat cunt and blah blah blah. then he started on jim again and said something like you fucking fat fucker go the fuck to iraq you pussy bastard. and i fucking lost it. its not good when i lose it cuz ive got lots of built up anger. i flew over 2 seats to get at him. and the guy in front of him was pushing me back and someone else was hoding me back. and erik was like let her go ill finish this. and im screaming like an insane lady on the edge which i am, and trying to get at him. i got a few hits in too. and hes flipping out and im flipping out. my whole body is covered in bruises from people trying so hard to hold me back. im yellow now but i was purple and blue. so you know i was trying really hard to get at him if im so bruised. my arms and legs and my whole chest...bruised. anyway, then he said something like the reason his parents dont like me is cuz im a fucking lunatic and i was back at him again. this time i couldnt get to him, and i started crying like real hard. and jim fucking lost it. ive never seen jim mad ever in our almost 4 years together. he was like did he fucking hit you? and he flew over 3 seats. i got trampled in the rush. he clocked erik right in his face. busted up his hand. he was choking erik at one point. then we all seperated ourselves. but it was fun before that.

tuesday jim left instead of monday bc his flight was cancelled due to bad weather. on monday we had a fight but we ended up having a decent night. jim tried to break up with me again. told me we needed to be on break while he was gone. but i wasnt hearing it. i fixed that all and when he left we said goodbye and i love you and all that good stuff. wedsday night the shit hit the fucking fan. after work was when i found out about the whole being kicked out thing. but that wasnt even the bad part. cicily called me up telling me about stuff that was said on the saturday night. stuff about jim fucking danielle and something about jim wanted me out of the house but didnt have the balls to tell me so thats why his parents were doing it. so i was flipping out. i called jim told him to call me back and i called erik who was the one that said it. erik said he believes that jim did fuck her, and that he didnt say the other part in those words but it must be semi true if he was telling me to find a new boyfriend. so as im crying..again.. jim calls and i question him about it. he says no he didnt fuck danielle that night BUT he did mess around with her before. now jim is the love of my life. he is my world. you all know this. so as my heart is breaking and im slowly dying inside while im talking to him he preceeds to tell me that hes not sure if it was while we were together or not. first it was, then it wasnt, he didnt remember. he never remembers anything. im crying my eyes out.he asked me what i was thinking i begged him to tell me he was lying. that if he really wanted us to be on break, id be on break just as long as he told me he was lying. and he said why would i lie? he told me before that he was trying to make me mad so that if i was mad it wouldnt hurt so much. so i begged him repeatedly to tell me he was lying. and he said no he wasnt. i died on my front porch that night. then he made me promise not to go beat her up. so i promised that I would not beat her up. then he made me promise that i wouldnt send someone to get her. so i promised i would not SEND someone after her. and he was all happy cuz he thought all the bases were covered. he was like you got really calm all of a sudden. and i said bc you didnt cover all the bases. and hes like what did i miss. and i said like im gonna tell you. hes like no tell me. i said fuck you. i was thinking i wont get her and i wont send someone after her but its not my fault if someone VOLUNTEERS to get her.hehehe.

then that motherfucker told me he loved me and i needed to relax. i said you fucking relax. i hate you. i told him, you are my whole life jim. my life started with you and it was supposed to end with you too. ive loved you since we first met, and then you tell me you cheated on me..possibly and you want me to fucking relax. i told him to fuck off and i hung up.

thats where im gonna end it for now. more tomorrow

hello friends

sadly to say this is my sad goodbye. today i will be driving my son to new jersey to go live with his dad for a bit. im being kicked out of this house so i need to go stay with her until i save up enough money to get to jersey as well. its been unbelievably crazy here. ive cried everday since sunday. i dunno whats going on with me and jim, i tried to make peace with the parents but they flat out told me they hated me, so as my life slowly or quickly i guess it is falls apart, i will be on hiatus. im sorry i love you all and i will be back one day so keep checking up on me please!!

not much time

i may not be around alot for a little while. i may be moving to jersey this weekend. and if so i have alot to do. dont really have time to talk about it right now.

but heres a hint: jims parents told him yesterday that they are wanting to kick me out while hes gone. assholes...like i need this now. oh and just cuz i know you are wondering he told them no, they werent allowed,but i just wanna go. im tired of their shit, and this way they have to cut the damn grass. fuckers!!!!

i cant believe hes gone already

i dont feel like typing anything today, so heres how i feel:


untitled-by simple plan

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me .......

i feel like my heart is broken

free time

ok so i got a little bit of free time bc jim is sleeping. we didnt get to bed until a lil bit after 5 am today. im supposed to be cleaning the ferret cage, but seeing as that was so very tempting i decided to do this instead.. ok im gonna try to make this all short.lol

ok so i came home after a very long day at work on friday. i stop at the babysitters to get austin with a long night of cleaning ahead of me. you know the finishing touches before jim comes home. well while im at the babysitters house, i see erik(jims friend). and it looks like hes got someone in his car. so im trying to hurry, but f-in austin is taking forever. and i feel like i gotta rush. so i tell the sitter to have austin run home. so as im coming out of the driveway at the sitters, erik flies down the road and blocks me in. now erik is kinda a weird guy anyway, so although hes acting extremely weird i think nothing of it. he tells me that he left a bag of liquor on the steps for sat night. so i say ok ill put it in the fridge. hes like nah you have to. i said ok whatever. so then i invite him in and hes all like why? and im like ummm ok just asking.lol so then hes like well i gotta go to work now. so i say ok well ill see you tomorrow. and he drives off. so then i get in my driveway and austin comes up right behind me. we get in the house after i glance over the front porch and see there is no liquor. so im like well maybe he put it in the back. so i go through the house to the back and peek out the window. meanwhile austins throwing all this shit at me. it was his last day of school. so while i walk back and forth between decks,austins following me,and im irritated. and im looking for my phone bc i cant find the mystery liquor, and i glance up the stairs and see jim on the staircase.lol i just stared at him for a few minutes. later he was like you didnt even look happy to see me. i said well i was in shock trying to make sure that you were real. then i thought well he isnt supposed to be here now. then i thought i KNEW someone else was in eriks car and then i thought shit i didnt finish cleaning and THEN i was like BABYYYYYY!lol. thats about all the time i have for stories right now. figured id give you guys a happy one.

funny

funny how the females in relationships always have to be the one to take the shit and eat it. fuck that!! not this girl. i eat shit for noone!

im tired of the excuses

life sucks

yea life sucks..alot. sex is great..sorta. had a lil problem. will be moving to nj by the end of the summer. thats all i have time for right now.

:(

I was here!!!

feeling miserable

yup thats right. im feeling downright shitty. and not just cuz i cant sleep bc of this damn sunburn/ poisoning. which is so burnt it has passed the red point and turned whitish purple. not pretty. but cuz i just talked to jim. lol well not bc of that but cuz of the shit he said.

he is now in mississippi. which means hes one step closer to being home. but im starting to not be so excited about that. hes talking about he wants to drink every night. are you kidding me? i mean yea ok going out and drinking is cool and all,but every night? i dont think so. then i told him how i wanna go on a date and see mr. and mrs. smith. and he tried to talk me out of it. he says lets rent a movie and stay home. and he wants to go to baltimore for his sisters bday. whoopdeefucking doo. i hate her. HE hates her. the only reason he wants to go out for her bday is cuz its her 24th bday. well you know whos gonna have to be the dd right? yea..me! booooo. sigh. and hes talking about how he went to vegas, and la while he was in cali. and how he blew all his money there. guess im not gonna get my ring he promised. i know im probably sounding selfish,but you know i just dont care anymore. ohhh and lets not forget the part where he told me that he wants to maybe sell the house. whatever

three days left and suddenly i dont feel so excited anymore

edit; here is the second half of my conversation with jim. i didnt feel like typing it again, so this is when i told my sissy what happened. im too stressed and fed up to retype it again.

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: so he calls me today and you know this is our first conversation in almost a month
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and i told him about how austins dad is gonna come and pick him up and then i said and you know what that means...
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and he goes what
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: instead of like you know playing along. he said what like he didnt know or could give a shit
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: then he goes on to tell me hes gonna be drinking all week and how hes so excited to drink and i was like i dont wanna drink all week and he was like well i doo
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: like hes sooo excited to drink and like not to see me
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: then i said well i wanna go on a date just me and you to go see this movie
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and hes like what movie and i said mr and mrs smith and he was like no
omfg its ryy: i wanna see that too
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lets stay home and rent a movie. and i was like no i really wanna see it and noone else will go with me
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and thats why you are my kick ass sissy,lol
omfg its ryy: lol
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and hes like well take randi(my friend) or someone else blah blah blah
omfg its ryy: I'd see it with you if you were here
omfg its ryy: why is he being mean?
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: awwwww i love you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i dunno
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im not even too the mean part yet
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: it gets better
omfg its ryy: oh boy.
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: so then hes finally like ok....lol you crack me up....
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: so then i was saying diferent stuff we could do and he completely changes the subject and tells me how he went to las vegas and like blew a bunch of money and then won it back and blew it in L.A.
omfg its ryy: ha that's intelligent
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: so you know what that means? oh and he said we wont be doing much cuz he blew his money
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: yea i know
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i wont be getting the ring he promised
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: fucker
omfg its ryy: are you serious
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: ummm yea
omfg its ryy: wtf
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: so he said hes been thinking about selling the house and i didnt say anything and hes like why are you so quiet and i said you just said you were gonna sell the house
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: where the fuck am i supposed to go. and hes like i just said i was thinking about it. so i said whatever
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: so then he gets off the phone with me and i am like way upset getting ready to cry
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: so i call him back and the whole time im thinking why is he being so shady like. he hasnt seen me in 5 months and the thing hes most excited for is to get drunk? and then says he wants to sell the house cuz he wont be here for a year which he knew before he left?JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im thinking damn he doesnt love me anymore. so i call him and leave a message and then eventually he calls me back
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and i was saying how it bothers me about all that, and hes like well im excited for other stuff too. i said dont you love me anymore and hes like yea and i was like well act like it
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: this is where it gets really "awesome"(using your word.hehehe)
omfg its ryy: haha
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: so then i ask him i say i guess we arent going to zales (the diamond store) when you get home huh? and he says probably not. and i was like but you promised. and hes like i dont remember that. i was like wtf? you promised me on valentines day
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and he was like no i said someday. and i was like NO you told me on valentines day that when you came home for this break that we would go to zales and get my ring
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and he didnt say anything. then he goes i just dont think its a good idea right now
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and i was like why not and hes like bc im gonna be gone for a year and i was like yea.... and hes like and its gonna be hard on you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i said what does that have to do with the ring
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and he goes..get ready for this
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: well you will need help. and maybe a NEW BOYFRIEND
omfg its ryy: what?!
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i was like are you coming home to dump me, and he was like no but this is gonna be really hard on you and you will need someone to help you get thropugh it
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and i said so you want me to go find a new boyfriend? and the fucker goes no i dont think so
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: wtf is that?
omfg its ryy: oh vanessa..
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: bc hes not gonna be here for a year he wants me to find someone else and that will make it all better?
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i dont understand what that means. i said jim this isnt like the first time youve gone away and hes like yea but its the first time ill be gettting shot at and you wont be able to talk to me and youll need alot of help
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: then hes like you should go live with gio or randi or nick or someone so they can help you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and i said well i dont need to go live with them, i can see them whenever and hes like well youll need someone with you all the time. especially since ILL BE GOING TO THE WORST SPOT OVER THERE
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: fucking great
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: wtf am i supoosed to do with all that
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: doesnt it seem like hes trying to push me away or something
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i dont get it
omfg its ryy: well
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: how do you tell someone you love and wanna marry someday to go find another boyfriend for a year
omfg its ryy: it's kinda confusing.
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: yea it is
omfg its ryy: he may just be thinking of you
omfg its ryy: okay
omfg its ryy: it's either 2 ways
omfg its ryy: he's a total asshole
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: well i know he is cuz he said he just wants me to be happy but he should know me being happy is with him not just some random guy
omfg its ryy: or he really loves you and wants to see you happy and would sacrafice not being with you so you're happy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i love him for life i would never replace him
omfg its ryy: well he might not know that
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: ive told him repeatedly
omfg its ryy: he's a guy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: if he got killed over there i would never ever search for another guy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: noone could ever be to me what he is
omfg its ryy: i don't think he is trying to push you away
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: my life ends and started with him
omfg its ryy: unless he plans on finding some hot iraqui bitch
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i highly doubt that
omfg its ryy: iraqi* whatever
omfg its ryy: exactly lol

sighhh

:( ouchies

yea ok so i went to the y yesterday. oh i went on saturday too. but i went to the gym on saturday and i burned some damn calories. god i was so red it looked like i had sun burn really bad. but anyway, i went back yesterday and we were there from like 12 to 2 30. it was a really hot day and all so we figured wed catch some rays at the pool and let the kids play. well....stupid us.

now my skin isnt like super pale,but pale enough. every year i get 2 good burns and then i tan all the rest of summer. i didnt get my moms super tan skin. DAMMIT!! she used to turn like black.lol anyway, my arms usually tan fine, without burning first. lemme tell you how i have sun poisoning and i can barely type this. my one arm is wayyyy worse than the other. if i move it, it feels like my muscles inside my forearm..i dunno how to even explain it,but it really hurts. my arms all swoolen, my hands fingers wrist,all swollen. very weird. but that is why i am home playing hookie again.lmao. i really am that burnt though. the arm being all weird like is the one i need most at work. so i couldnt go. that and i can get some stuff done for jims arrival. sunburn sucks. i wanted to go to the gym today. but insteads i shall lay around and whine about my stupidity.lol


in other news, jim will be home in four days. and im already feeling selfish. i dont wanna share him. bc in that time hes gonna be home, there is fathers day, his sisters bday and of course the family bbq the day he gets home. not to mention all the time his friends are gonna hog up. it might get ugly here. especially with sex deprived ,pms vanessa around.lol i did sorta hear from him on friday night. he sent me a text message saying that he had no service and he loved me. now you know me i am never happy so that was not nearly good enough for me,but 4 days. all i gotta do is get through these next four damn days.lol

ok get ready...

MELTDOWN IN ACTION.....

so im feeling really crappy today. yesterday was a decent day. i called jims phone and it actually rang instead of forwarding me to the voicemail. so i was like YAYYYYY! thinking we were gonna be able to chat. cuz its been like 2 weeks. so i called and left a few messages. well at like 9 30 pm i called again and no answer. i told him in one of my previous messages, that i would leave my cell on so that he could call no matter what the time. before i went to bed i called to see if he heard the message and he did. i went to bed and i woke up every hour checking my phone to see if i missed the call. i didnt miss any calls. he never called. i tried to call again this morning and it still rang. i sent a text message thinking maybe hed text me one back. nothing. i called again later today and he had his phone off. this makes me sad. 15 days and no jim. i know i should be excited cuz hes coming home soon. but i just wanna hear his voice. sighhhh

crappy thing number 2: so i get up before work and i come here to the comp and check things out. like my sisters lj thing. and it she was talking about cutting again. this upsets me greatly with no need to explain. i hate that she is so stressed out she feels she needs to cut herself to ease the problem. i went to work and it was country day again and there is a song that makes me think of her called my sister my friend. i cried. i miss my sister. i wish she wouldnt hurt herself. scares me. what if she cuts too deep in the wrong spot? i couldnt deal... i dont wanna talk about that anymore.

crappy thing number 3: i really hate my damn job. i hate when they give me things i dont know how to do and give me a picture with it that doesnt make any damn sense. it frustrates me greatly. and the cunt bitch wont help. grrrr... dont wanna talk about that either.

so today is not one of the days where i shall continue practicing quitting smoking. im gonna be a motherfucking chimney and im gonna drown myself in alcahol..fuck it i cant spell it right now.

good thing about yesterday though. i made up wioth my friend who dumped me awhile ago. but it doesnt seem to be enough to cheer me up right now

a song for my lover

Rascal Flatts - Bless The Broken Road Lyrics

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you


for a country song i really love this song. like alot. makes me tear up thinking about jim. sighhh 8 more days. and thankfully this week flew by for me so far. i havent heard from him in 2 weeks. this has been the longest so far. im getting snippy.lol poor austin he got it yesterday. but he still loves me anyway.

and thats about it

not alot to report

yea so not much going on. but this week is going by fairly quickly. which makes me happy. 9 more days until my lover returns home, which i am wayyyyyy excited about. woohooo. and even better...austins going to his dads for 6 nights and 7 days. ohhhh yea. you know what that means right? sex in every room and surface.lmao.

went to the gym today. im very proud of me. all day i felt unmotivated, and i was like screw the gym. im not gonna lose any weight in 9 days. if i do it wont be noticeable. but i went, and sweat my ass off. and had a muscle spasm in midst of my treadmill experience. it hurt too. but not like a normal spasm would. i dunno how to explain. but i kept on going anyway,even though i wanted to be done.lol

and thats about it. work suckes i hate my boss and my "supervisor/cunt bitch". and i broke a nail above the skin. and that concludes today.lol

hope every one is well