grrrrr

no new news to report. just got home from trick or treating..and we got a ton of candy that i am helping eat! ;)

the queen has tagged me with a whopper of a meme. so here goes


A to Z meme
A - Age of your first kiss: 14 or 15
B - Band you are listening to right now: none
C - Crush: its way beyond a crush..my lover jim
D - Dad's name: Dickhead.....deadbeat....kurt
E - Easiest person to talk to: another dickhead...john
F - Favorite ice cream: phish food-ben and jerrys
G - Gummy worms or gummy bears: bears
H- Hometown: wayne,nj
I - Instruments: I can play a little flute and a little piano
J - Junior High: schuyler colfax
K - Kids: almost 7 year old boy. 32 more days
L - Longest car ride:From jersey to florida
M - Mom's name: tracy
N - Nicknames: ness, nesser, nessa, jersey devil, dark angel
O - One wish: for my lover to make it home in one piece and still love me
P - Phobia: spiders, bridges tunnels
Q - Quote: i dont really have one
R - Reasons to smile:Austin,bibs, my love
S - Scent: lol i dont have one favorite. i love all 30 of them
T - Time you woke up today: 5:30am
U - Unknown fact about me: i did ecstacy for a very long time when i was younger
V - Values: im not sure i have any.lol
W - Worst luck with: cars
X-rays you've had: back knees and feet
Y- Years since you've been to church: At least 4..and that was the first and only
Z- ZAP AND ZING: the sound that erin, boabahn, and chop suey feel as they are drive by tagged by a runaway jerzee. !!! MUUUAAAHHHHHH

dammit all to hell

i already typed this damn post up!!or half anyway, and it fucking dissapreared. now i gotta do it again..grrrrrrrr

ok there is a drunken post from yesterday underneath here explaining my small dissapearance.

and again....i need to stop having these dreams of jim bc they are killing me. it sounds awful but i wish it would stop. bc although they are wonderful dreams i wake up and i am severely dissapointed and then become depressed. i hate having these dreams and wake up alone with no emails from him. it rips me apart. god i miss him so much.

anyway, heres the dream..we were at my house in nj..as always. i dont know why we are never here. lol even in my dreams i hate it here.lol anyway,so jim was coming home for a visit and me and his parents were waiting around for him with these other guys who i have never seen in my life but were apparently his friends. anyway, so his moms cell rings and she talks on the phone and she starts smiling and i knew he was there. so i run to the door to jump on him and he comes in all smiling big. but his mom bumps me out of the way.bitch!! anyway so after he hugs her i get him and he kisses me and hugs me and picks me up and its a great movie. then we are all in the main room hanging out and his mom says something cunt like and instead of knocking her out like i wanna..i walk away to my room. his parents seem to appear out of nowhere to bitch me out and then jim comes out of nowhere and stands in front of me and tells them to leave me alone. his mom dissapears and then his dad glares at me and then gets all teary eyed and looks at jim and shakes his head and leaves. so we continue on to be lovey and stuff and then he says something i cant really remember all of it but this part......"blah blah blah for xmas" and i am feeling confused for a minute and then i look up with a big smile and i say are you gonna be home for xmas and he shows me his big handsome smile and im so happy and in love... and then i wake up. to be all alone...with nothing. makes the day depressing. this is the third dream this week. im not sure how many more i can take. sighh


stolen from the queen


Name someone with the same birthday as you.

christina campana...girl from school

Where was your first kiss?

i beleive i was 15 or 16 and i think it was at my house or a friends.lol i guess i dont even remember. but i remember it was with eddie. i loved him so i thought then. it wasnt very good.lol

Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?

Not yet.lol

Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?

ive hit alot of people..lol of the opposite sex. but like really really hit..oh yea.

Have you ever sang in front of a large group of people.

yes..but only when i am really drunk. people make me sing

What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?

eyes and lips

What really turns you on?

someone whispering in my ear and feeling thier hot breath on my neck and mabe running their tongue on it real quick. my neck is my weakness

What do you order at Starbucks?

i dont drink alot of coffee and i live in hillbillyville i dont even know where one is

What is your biggest mistake?

dropping out of school

Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?

yes. i have a problem with pulling out hair as well as punching and kicking things that do more damage to me then the object

Say something totally random about yourself.

i like to observe people when they think noone is looking

Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity?

well i guess its kinda a clelbrity...but though i dont like to admit it..some have said i look like monica lewinsky. but i say otherwise

Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?

damn right..some of my faves

Did you have braces?

yes

Are you comfortable with your height?

no i am too short. id like to be 5 ft 6

What is the most romantic thing someone has ever done for you?

offered to buy me a train ticket home for xmas bc he knew how much it meant to me to be home for xmas and i didnt have enough money to go

When do you know it's love?

when every thought waking or sleeping is about them. and you are more comfortable and happy with them then anyone else.

Do you speak any other languages?

i know some italian

Have you ever been to a tanning salon?

damn right. i hate being pasty white

What magazines do you read?

cosmo and in touch

Have you ever ridden in a Limo?

yes.. a few of them

Has anyone you were really close to passed away?

my mom. thats all i have to say about that

Do you watch MTV?

since i was 4

What's something that really annoys you?

attention whores and liars

What's something you really like?

i love to sing. and wish i wasnt so shy so i could do more of it. ok shy about the singing in front of people. not like really shy.lol

Do you like Micheal Jackson?

i liked him back in the days of beat it and thriller

Can you dance?

yes i can. i am a very good dancer. the drunker i am..the better i dance

What's the latest you have ever stayed up?

about 38 hours

Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance to the emergency room?

just once when i wrecked my car. i did not like it

Do you read this when someone fills them out?

yes i find them interesting

sighhh

so i know some of you have been worried. im ok. i wouldnt do anything dumb. i love my loves too much. but life sure does suck. i did finally talk to jim on weds. i got an email. it didnt say much. apparently he got a virus or something and the comp is being fixed. he got on the instant messenger for a second it was like a tease. it was nice to know he was ok. but i just miss him so fucking much. i really feel like i am dying inside. i think its cuz the holidays are coming and our anniversary is coming. whatever it is it sucks ass!! not to mention work has been extremely stressful. i havent felt like posting. i dont have anything to say and i cant seem to make myself care about anything these days. im truly sorry to all my loves. i have been briefly reading all your posts so dont feel unloved. im just so shitty right now i cant offer any good advice or happy thoughts. i know you all understand. im hoping to have a good talk with jim soon and then i should be back to normal.

the only reason i am posting now is bc i am severely intoxicated. oh yea i am!! i went out with the work crew bc some people said they would buy me drinks. i am all about the free drinks. damn skippy. so 8 drinks later i was ready to fight. long story dont ask. and i came home. but not ill i got realllllly drunk.

sadly i think drinking is my only means to happiness lately. a few guys hit on me. i love when guys try to be slick when they hit on you. this guy tonight was all...yea so tough crowd...all the girls here either have a husband or boyfriend.....where's yours? are you kidding me? how pathetic is that.lol

ok off to my drunkenness

here without you baby....

but your still on my lonely mind. i think about you baby and i dream about you all the time. im here without you baby..but your still with me in my dreams..and tonight its only you and me.....


big sighhhhhhhhhhh. today makes 122 days that jim has been gone. well since i saw him last anyway. roughly 278 when you take out his visit home. you would think that each month that passes i would feel stronger bc it means a month closer to him coming home. but no. im difficult you see....and i feel awful. im lonely and im miserable. im starting to feel empty without him. i feel like little pieces are wearing away inside. i cant even really describe how i feel to make you understand how awful it is. i havent heard from him since last tuesday. when i got the email last week, he said that the internet was having problems. but i hate not hearing from him. not knowing. the weekend is when i am soo ahppy bc i can talk to him. even if its only a half hour. and hes worrying me alot lately. you can tell in his emails that he is fed up. in one email he said" must be nice to do fun things. all i do is work and sleep" and another one was "i wish i had things to tell you but all thats here is bullshit. im getting frustrated with the bullshit". that..is not good. i wish i could be with him just for one hour. sighhhh. i miss him soooo much its killing me. i think i may torture myself...but whatever. i had the most beautiful dream last night, im not sure what we were doing. but we were in my nj house. in my nj room. you know all my dreams are in nj. with people from here. i dont ever have dreams in maryland...wonder what that means. anyway, and he made me the most beautiful breakfast with a flower in a vase. and laid with me in bed. and i remember being so happy in the dream. he hugged me and just laid with me. damn.. now im crying. sighhh

my weekend overall sucked. sat around all weekend hoping to hear from him. getting more and more frustrated as the days went and still nothing. i took austin to a halloween party for a little bit. i was in bed by 8 30pm friday and 11pm sat. which isnt like me. my newt died. i cried. i hit a pole and laughed hystreically. i blew a fuse in my car. yea thats about it

i think i may need to call the doctor and have him call me in a prescript for happy drugs. i think im falling apart

honorable mention

so about a week ago mr geezer had a contest. i actually participated bc i could not resist this one.lol i had to add lib onto a sentence he started. here is what he started it with:

'ive pictured geezer nude under a waterfall,soaping himself gracefully.and all i could think was.......................

and then i wrote:

damn i wish i was sexypants....thats a whole lotta LOVIN there. wonder if i could talk them into a big massive hot and steamy kinky ass dirty threesome.lol


haha in which he returned with:


naughtygirl JERZZZZZZ!we bloody heart you,ya naughty little bugger
(NAUGHTYGIRL JERZZZZ youre very naughty!!!!erm,what was your address again?).

and then in my email i found this:

a little bit of sappiness

haha. just cuz im missing my baby sooo much..i am going to torture you ..my friends with some love sap. lol

but first i will tell you all that so far the week is great. but tomorrow doesnt look as promising. we shall see.

ok back to the sap. so the other day i found my old journal. the one that i meet jim in. now to fully understand it all and to feel the sap..lol. now before the part where i meet jim..i was a playette. i had been hurt so much by one single guy that i decided to become a really cold and mean bitch. and i enjoyed it alot. i would have "projects". i would flirt like crazy with these guys and it was all to see if they wanted me. if they wanted to date or screw or whatever. and when i knew they did..i'd move on to someone else. in reading this journal you see all my scheming and plotting i had for all these guys. 8 in total. and you could see how much fun i was having. i wa a real bitch.lol i have no regrets. anyway,jim was one of these projects....here is some excerpts of my journal

0ct 18,01

i got a new project. a cutie ass guy in the warehouse. wooooohooooo
(lol..i dont seem much different do i?)

oct 29,01

new guy/jim

we've been hanging out after work lately. hes pretty cool. i hope to keep it going and get me at least a hook-up. this project is going well

(in the journal..all the guys are seperated in name form and the stats of the project are next to them)

oct 31,01(this is where the project seems to be lost)

i went to meet jim. he told me rumors he had heard about me. then we went driving and went to the bridge and talked for awhile. he told me in the last two days that i am cute in glasses and he has fun with me and he looks forward to going to break(we worked together) to see me. he always hugs me and stuff. i really like him. made a change in me.


nov 5,01

me and jim hung out all weekend. we cuddled and snuggled and bonded. he met my friends and they actually approved of him.

nov 18,05

so much is going on in my life. and its actually good stuff. me and jim are officially together. and its great. everything with him is great. he makes me so very happy.

nov 26,01(jim came home with me for turkey day)

the jersey vaca was great!! him came with me and austin and it was a great experience. austin told jim he loved him. it was so sweet. it was a great bonding experience for us. i think it may have brought us closer together.even being around him all that time,we still get along. we got drunk and ended up having sex. wooohooo. i feel really positive about this realtionship. i love everything about him. on the way back from nj we stopped and had sex 3 more times. im soo happy. nothing else matters anymore

nov 28,01

jim told me he thinks he loves me. which surprized the shit out of me.


ok thats enough. 11 days after me and jim were me and jim he told me he loved me. and he meant it. things got way more lovey as the time passed. so many people dont understand how i can wait for him year after year..or do the things he asks me to. but to just know him and know us..you just understand. when i read back and realized again.. that he told me he loved me so soon.. i was amazed. kinda like we were a love at first site kind of couple. i knew before he said anything that i loved him. but i was scared to say it. i had to bite my tongue. and when he finally said it.. i said ive been wanting to say it for awhile. and he said me too.

god i miss him

ohhhhhhhh

what a friggin weekend!!! wooooooo. i think i forgot what it was like to hang out with gio.lol so she got here around about 10:30pm. they hit alot of traffic which made them all late. she got here and got a shower and randi came here and then we left for our girls night out. got to the bar at 11:15. i was trashed by 12am.lmao. between alaskan iced teas lemon drop shots and malibu bay breezes...good god!! i was fucked. i sang a bajillion songs..some of them country. which scares gio a bit..being i am a jersey girl not country girl.lol after we went to mcdonalds and got some grub. we left the bar at 2am. we played the radio really loud and hung out windows and i guess we went fast into the parking lot bc the guy yelled at us.lol. so we floored it out too. lol. needless to say i got in bed about 3something in the morning. still lit. i had to get up at 6:50am. i was not a happy camper. i think i was still drunk. it felt li8ke someopn glued my eyes shut and i had to pry them open. i couldnt stand without wobbling around.lol i took a shower to wake up. didnt really help. i went to work in my spongebob jammies.lol. wasnt too bad once i got there. except my eyes were like flurescent red. i looked rough and felt rough. but i made it.

i got home about 12:15pm. and we left and went to the costume store. of course austin wanted the superman one that cost like $45. no way..so he is batman...without muscles. hes happy about it though. and it only cost me $23. yayy. i found me a thing where the devil horns will come out of my forehead. its all glittery. i love gl;itter!!! and it comes with red and gold eyelashes. glittery blood and face paint. im so excited. i love halloween. i am a devil every year..gotta reperesent jersey ya know.lol anyway, i found these sunglasses that were beer mugs all foamy at the top for each eye. i had to try them on. and i was laughing the whole time and the guy at the register was like..you seem like the kind of person that can have fun anywhere doing anything arent you? and i was like mmmmm yea!!lol he was funny. after that we went to arby's. mmmmmm. while there gio and her man had drama. i hate when she has drama. it makes everyone pissy. god!!! and its always over the dumbest shit. it was french fries this time. anyway, then we came home and almost got into an accident bc of some dumb bitch. i hate dumb people.

then we got home and it was decided it was gonna be nap time bc we were supposed to go to jasons woods. well even though i was soooo tired.. i couldnt sleep. so i went downstairs and hung out with her man. who she was still not talking to. he said she was still sleeping. so i decided to let her sleep. well me and him started getting all fucked up. finally she woke up and she was pissed bc i didnt wake her up. then she was pissed bc we were fucked up. and she was super pissed!!! sometimes i hate being around her bc she is THE drama queen. making a big deal out of nothing. so she flipped out on me and him. i tried to talk to her and she was a bitch so i said fuck it. whatever..be mad. then she packed up all her shit and was gonna leave. sighhh..but eventually i fixed it. good god. anyway, we then decided to rent the amnityville horror movies instead of going out. noone was motivated.lol randi came over too. i started watching the movie...and fuck that. i came up here on the comp.lol it was too scary. the girls were downstairs screaming and shit. i went to bed about1:30am. we didnt do much yesterday. just kinda laid around.

i heard from jim. which i was glad of bc he sent nothing on saturday. and then i heard about guys getting killed in ramadi. which i think is where he is. but i heard something else on the news again today. i hope hes ok.

i miss him

this is how we do it!!!

This is how we do it.
It’s friday night, and I feel all right
The party is here on the west side
So I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
Designated driver take the keys to my truck
Hit the shore ’cause I’m faded
Honeys in the street say, monty, yo we made it!
It feels so good in my hood tonight
The summertime skirts and the guys in kani
All the gang bangers forgot about the drive-by
You gotta get your groove on, before you go get paid
So tip up your cup and throw your hands up
And let me hear the party say

1- I’m kinda buzzed and it’s all because
(this is how we do it)
South central does it like nobody does
(this is how we do it)
To all my neighbors you got much flavor
(this is how we do it)
Let’s flip the track, bring the old school back
(this is how we do it)

YAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! it is friday. and im super duper happy!!!! lol my jersey friends will be here soon..we are going and getting totally trashed. and then somehow i am gonna get up in the morning and go to work for a few hours. probably still drunk. im sure theyll love that. but fuck them all. after the week i had..and they want me to work on saturday? fuck it....i'll be drunk. im soooooo excited!!!!!!!!! can you feel my enthusiasm? lol. yea so im gonna go get trashed..go to work on like 3 drunken hours of sleep. then im gonna go to work for like 5 hours..come home... and then im gonna go costume shopping and get a cd for jim. our anniversary is coming soon. and then im gonna take austin to grammas and then im gonna get trashed again!! and go to jasons woods and get the shit scared out of me.lol

my house is clean..my laundry is done..my jersey peeps are coming. and i am happy as hell!!!

have a great weekend

four years ago today....

four years ago today i met my lover. it was his first day of work at the job i was working at then. i saw him and i was like damn hes fine. he was 18 and i was 21. he droive a midnight blue 2001 celica gts. hot. anyway, i talked to him a few seconds and then i went inside to find out some info on him. later i saw him on break again, and i said i found some things out about you . and he said oh yea? what? and i told him what id learned and then finished with..and i hear you are a very arrogant asshole. he said yea well i heard things about you too. and i said what? he said that you are "the pet" (which i was..the bosses pet)and that you are a big bitch.(i ran that place.lol people were scurt!) and from then on we just clicked. it wasnt long till i fell for him. he was my game. it started out that i just wanted to see if i could make him want me. if i could get this hot ass young guy wanna be with me. and i did...but in the end i wanted him too.

so happy 4 years of knowing you lover


Amazed-by Lonestar

Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away
I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams

I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me
Baby you surround me
You touch every place in my heart
Oh, it feels like the first time, every time
I want to spend the whole night in your eyes


Every little thing that you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you


i love you with all my heart

ewwww

hello kiddies!!


i got nothing for ya today! sorry. except that my milk went bad and i didnt realize this until after i made my soup and tried to eat it. ewwwwwww. it was a rough day. i got really trashed on sat night and then had to get up early for jim and he didnt show up till an hour and half later. i was hot!!!!!!!!!!! and then he made a new rule for me..which you will find on my dirty site. as soon as im done this.

in exciting news. i dont know how many of you spend alot of time on your comp..but i have joined a message board. i gave the link a few days ago. but now i have my own little rrom where i talk about naughty stuff. very naughty!! there are un naughty rooms that i participate in as well. its fun and you should come and sign up. in order to get in my naughty room(called jerzees bedroom) you have to be registered and send a pm (private message) to betty. so if you go and register go to the index and and scroll down to the topic that says notice board. it will tell you what you need to do!! i really hope to see you there! heres the link:



http://hostedboard.com/phpbb/index.php?mforum=itsasmallworlda

a little better

first off id like to say thatmy counter says i am over a thousand visits. thanks to all my loves!! you are the best. second id like to say its almost been a year on here. and i love all of you that have been here since the early times!! you are the bestest!!!!

and CONGRATS to miss val!! she is now happily married.


nothing really to talk about today. i got really trashed last night. but i think i may have said that last night.lol

so today i am gonna post parts of my chat with jim today. god i love this man!!!!!

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i miss you baby
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: alot alot
jiminiraq2005: i miss you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: did you start on my thing yet?(jes supposed to be making me a lovey mushy emial in trade for my dirty pics)
jiminiraq2005: baby you have no idia how bad i want to do it i cant even get 5 hours of sleep a night

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you called me baby
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i love when you do stuff like that
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: makes me all smiley like a little school girl
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: hehe
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: you really do miss me dont you?
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: every time i can tell you miss me is when you call me names
jiminiraq2005: i do miss you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i know
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but sometimes i dont feel like you do
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and then you call me ness or baby
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: and it makes me happy
jiminiraq2005: i love you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i love you

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: gios coming next weekend
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: :-D
jiminiraq2005: you two going to screw
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: no
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: mauricio is coming too
jiminiraq2005: oh

lol hes pervy just like me


JeRzEeGrLiNmD: honey it seems like you dont care about nothing anymore
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i mean i know bc you are there and all
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but damn
jiminiraq2005: oh icare
jiminiraq2005: i care about you
jiminiraq2005: i want you to be happy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: well i know baby but i dont wanna do things that make me happy if it makes you not happy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im not that selfish
jiminiraq2005: im not nhappy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: your not happy? or did you mean unhappy?
jiminiraq2005: unhappy
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: ok
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i love you booboo
jiminiraq2005: i love you

i had asked him all sorts of stuff..like can i paint our room blue,and throw out his clothes i dont like..hehe..and he just kept saying he didnt care

JeRzEeGrLiNmD: baby all i can think about is sex. and you talking to your parents at the same time really takes all the fun out of our talking
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: bc if we dont talk about sex there isnt much else to talk about
jiminiraq2005: sorry
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: sighh
jiminiraq2005: we can talk about your pussy if you want
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: hehe
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i dont wanna talk about just me
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i wanna talk about us
jiminiraq2005: ok
jiminiraq2005: thats finer
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but what if you do mess up and type the wrong thing
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: although that would be funny..
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: since your rents already think im a dirty whore
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol
jiminiraq2005: yoiuare a freak
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: oh yea i know
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but only bc of you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i was innocent until you came
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: then i had to liven it up
jiminiraq2005: i no and my parents got to see that so they no your a freak too
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol and they know you are too
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: haha
jiminiraq2005: thats allrihgt

lol i wanted to be dirty. bc my life is dull and he cant talk about his life really..


JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but..do you really not care what your parents think of me? like could they ever change your mind about me?
jiminiraq2005: why
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: im just asking
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i can tell your mom really doesnt like me.
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: dont say anything to them though
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: please
jiminiraq2005: i wont
jiminiraq2005: she said the house is very clean
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: but stuff she says to me sometimes...i can tell that she doesnt think i am good enough for you
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: lol
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: i told you i have been a busy bee cleaning
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: it makes the sad go away
jiminiraq2005: thas good
JeRzEeGrLiNmD: so answer the question
jiminiraq2005: no i dont care what anyone thinks you know that

i am in shock his mom said something nice about me and my cleaning..i almost fainted.lol


jiminiraq2005: i will alk dirty tio you all day

yay something to look forward to tomorrow.

have a great day!!

bc i know my flaws..

so tonight..i thought i was ok. then i read a post on my bibsy's thing. it made me stress again. we had a tiff..and after lots of meaness and stuff we had a heart to heart and i cried alot. and then i drank alot of vodka. so i am numb now. its looking to be another rough weekend. and sadly vodka is my answer to that.

another fun day at work. there is this man there. he cracks me up. he has the most serious face like all the time. and the shit that comes out of his mouth fucks me up. with his straight serious face..he askes me if ill help him cheat on his wife. i think hes joking but im not positive. but hes really cool. he makes me laugh and hes always complimenting me. which is nice. its always nice to be complimented.

today the lady at work was saying something to me. i cant reme,ber what. oh i was saying how i wasnt looking forward to the weekend. and she asked why..and i said bc i go home and be alone. and its not fun without jim. that without him i dont feel complete. and she looked at me like i was crazy and asked if i was insecure. and i felt bad for her bc you could tell shed never been in love like that. it has nothing to do with insecurity. i spent so long not being loved..and to finally be loved more than i could ever dream of....and have it go away..kills me. had i never known love..id be ok. bc i wouldnt know what i was missing. does that make sense?

drunken fool is done now

another day...

well today was another day of excitement. lol i started early today with the whole pissing evryone off thing. and i dont really care. lol. about 7:15am i found the boss man and asked if we were gonna be forced to listen to country everyday. bc i hate it. i dont wanna hear it. and country day is supposed to be on friday only dammit. and its been on every fucking day. i didnt say all that though. so he starts bitching at me. all i did was ask if it was gonna be everyday. i told him if it is then fine but i want a new table to work at bc i want to bring in a radio so i dont disturb the country ass department i work in . im tired of hearing it. i think if we cant all agree..turn the fucker off. but instead i asked this. and he goes oh yea sure vanessa. you can go work at that table and then work your way out too. i flipped out. "this is why i dont fucking talk to you. you dont hear a goddamn word i say....." and then he goes well soon im just gonna turn it off is that what you want. i gave him my big eyes and my biggest kool aid smile and just stared at him till he got pissed and walked off. hehe fucker..everytime i talk to him he threatens me. i dont do threats. dont fucking threaten me, that does not make me listen. so i guess he figured if he turned the radio off i would beg him to turn the country back on. fuck that!! he told evryone it was my fault there was no radio and everyone was pissed off at me. but i didnt complain about the music. just tried to arrange a way around it. yea so everyone was pissed. and i stared him down all day..bc he kept glaring at me..and i smiled so hard all day my face hurt. he was pissed. i told you i dont respond to threats..fucker!!lol

so me and my sissy had a fight last night. it seems to be a monthly thing. i read in her journal thing that she went to therapy and told the lady some big thing. something she was scared for her dad to find out. so i asked what it was. and it went downhill from there. i asked if she didnt trust me. she said no it wasnt that she just didnt want to tell me. and this bothers me. when i was young i always wished i had an older sister. and although i know she loves me and all..its just like i am a distant cousin. and i hate it. if shes in trouble or upset about something i want her to feel like she can come to me. with anything. but all i get is the basic stuff. is it greedy of me to want that? i told her i just wanna be a good older sissy. she said i was great. but if i am so great why wont she tell me anything. i may be able to help her or comfort her in a way someone else cant. this disturbs me alot. and i hate that when i talk to her that i have to walk on eggshells or she flips out on me and makes me feel crappy by not respecting her decisions. whatever. in good sissy news...she has found a boy she likes that i think may like her back. all i know is what i read of her conversations with him and he seems cool. which is good bc i wouldnt want to have to kick his ass. hehe. awwwwwwww and she told him i drive him insane. pshhh god at least make me nice before telling him im crazy. gawddd

im gonna slap her...

so today started off a little rough. i guess i was really sleepy when i went to bed last night which wasnt till about 10:40pm. had to watch laguna beach.lol

yea so my alarm is set for 5:50am. i get up this early so that austin can eat before we leave. yea well i slept through the alarm and got up at 6:10. i woke up and was like fuckkkk!! bc austin is a bitch in the morning. he hates getting up and it takes him forever to get dressed and stuff and then eat. we need to leave here by 6:30. i have never slept through my alarm. in all the years ive used one. mustve been pretty tored. so with alot of bitching and "im eating as fast as i can!" we made it out only 5 minutes late. i need to be to work at 7am. the place is 17 miles away. i had to speed.

work was ok. i kept thinking it was monday all day long. which is ok.the day was decent. but for punishment for what was said to be my bogus excuse for not going to work...you guessed it. a whole day full of torture. country music. sighh.

then i come home. and find out jims mom has been here. and guess what?!? she listened to my fucking answering machine messages. now im about fed up. i hate this bitch i swear. ok fine you wanna check on the house. ok whatever. but to listen to the damn messages..when NOONE calls here for jim. its fucking ridiculous. i have no goddamn privacy at all. i have to hide shit in my own damn bedroom. and apparently i need to unplug the machine now on tuesdays and thursdays. fucking unreal. i really wanna tell jim so he can make her stop. but i cant. and it wouldnt matter bc im sure hed do nothing about it. damn bitch. ive been civil to her. i havent freaked out about the fact that she comes here when im not here. or that shes taken pictures of stuff. but holy shit. do i not get one fucking shred of privacy. you better believe im gonna flip the fuck out when jim comes home. oh yea

sigh..so my little demon spawn tried to pull a fast one on me today. we did the homework battle. again. i hate homework i swear. anyway, then i asked him if i got any homework..which is what he calls notices and stuff. and he said no. so i looked in his bookbag and he has this thing in there. its a calendar of the school month. an apple for every day they have school. and they color it green yellow or red for their behavior that day. well today there was a red. which is bad. and a note. he got in trouble for" not listening well and putting his hands on a friend". sighh. so he is semi grounded.

and thats about it

i survived..again

ok people..im back and im all better. i had my meltdown and should be good for at least another month.lol it sucks when this shit happens but i guess its all the price you pay being an army girlfriend.

i skipped work today. i didnt see the need to go bc of my state of mind. i cried all damn weekend long and didnt think i could go today. when i get like this i need to not be around people who irritate me. bc i flip out and get all psycho. and i cry too. so seeing as im trying to get better..not worse..i stayed home. and got many things accomplished. i cleaned half my hoouse. well 3/4 of it. i did a thorough job of it. cleaned out closets and shelves and swept and mopped and went through stuff and put it away in its right spot. i folded the laundry and actually put it away. and i cut the grass. which was fun for me bc i killed many spiders and their little funnel web homes in the grass. haha fuckers.lol ok im done now. paid my car insurance and made phone calls to get some health insurance for lil austin. just got done all that. i started all that after a chat with jim. well i guess it wasnt a chat. i saw he was on and i said hi. he said hi. and that was it. i guess his connection was crap. bc that was it. so that made me sad. again. so i got on the ball and watched maury and jerry springer while i cleaned. lol i only like to clean in between commercials. im weird i know. but it makes cleaning not so bad. takes longer but i dont mind.

lmao. the other day, austin (my son in case you didnt know) came up to me and had a caht with me.

austin: mommy?

me: yea?

austin: how come you dont call me names anymore?

me: huh?

austin: repeats himself..and then says you know like butthead and stuff?

me: laughing for a minute..why do you miss it?

austin: a little bit. i was just wondering

lmao. i stopped calling him butthead and things of the like and switched it to honey and baby and stuff. apparently he likes butthead better. go figure. kids are funny.

ok i got some links for you guys today some interesting stuff. for all you lj users i have 2. one is post secret which is a neat little thing about peoples secrets. it is interesting to read. the other is post secret 2. where they ask questions and if you wish to participate you can. but only if you have an lj account. oh wait i dont have the first link. only the second.hehe

http://www.livejournal.com/community/_postsecret_/

for bloggers there is a regular post secret. but you can only read others secrets. you cant participate

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

and this is for anybody. this is ms. bettys message board. there is lots of interesting topics on there with some familiar faces from blog land on it too! check it out

http://hostedboard.com/phpbb/index.php?mforum=itsasmallworlda

and thats about it

another boring weekend

its time for my lover to come home. i cant handle these dull ass weekends anymore. they suck. im so tired of being so bored. and i think thats why i am becoming so miserable. today is blah. right now i am on the comp with my lover who is blah as well.

last night i went to randis after i dropped austin off at grannies. her friend charles came and by the time we all left there at 8 pm i was blitzed. so i came home and watched the fifth element which sucked. it was interesting enough for me to watch it but it sucked. good thing i was intoxicated. lol then i wrote jim a smut email as i always do when i am intoxicated..which makes him happy. lol

and ive been up since like 8:30. i actually woke myself up at 6am without an alarm to see if jim came on. but he didnt. so i cried. again. god i feel so weak without him and i hate it. i hate feeling weak. but i imagine anybody does really. he got my dirty pics and apparently likes them very much. but he says he cant look at them too good bc of people being around. im sure everyone has seen them.lol

i went to the dollar store today. yippy. lol and i need to clean my house and mow the grass. well see if it gets done. possibly depending on my boredom factor. i should at least do the grass today. i can clean tomorrow while i watch tv. lol

in a few weeks my friend gio will be coming from jersey to visit me. yayyyyyyy. jersey love is the best. and shes gonna bring me taylor ham and cheese on a bagel and a dozen bagels. bc jersey bagels are the shit! and i dont know if they have taylor ham anywhere else but there. they dont have it here. and its not regular ham..so dont say it is.lol when she comes we are gonna go to this thing called jasons woods. get all fuckered up and go. its got a haunted hayride and a 3d maze thats all scary and a real maze. im scared of the maze. will make me think of the shining..lol. and they have other scary stuff too. im so excited. but you know im retarded so i think well you dont know if some lunatic came and knocked out the guy in costume..stole it and has a real weapon and may kill you with it. you really dont know. i need to stop watching csi and shows of the like.lol

and i think thats it

i lurve you all have a great day

had a bad day again...

its only 1pm on a saturday. whats wrong with this picture? i dont knwo if its pms or if im just depressed or lonely..but god i am sad! and i hate being sad. i sent my sissy a text message and had her call me bc i wanted to talk to someone that loves me. i had a nice chat with her. i feel bad though bc shes all young and stuff..and i dont wanna bring her down bc im all unhappy. but i felt better just talking to her. and hearing her voice. i love her so much. and goddamn i miss her. shes so cute. she said she wished she could come visit me...i really wish she could too. bc i feel like i am just falling apart. i feel sad and i feel weak. and i just want someone i know here. to keep me company. i hate being alone. alot.

sighh. i watched the movie crash today. it was a good movie. made me cry and i believe that this is what started my whole mood. but you should rent it and give it a try.

i had a short talk with jim today. it was ok. i guess.

sighh i dont feel like typing anymore.