5 days to go (sniff sniff)

hello all. still dont care about the colors. still numb like. today was an awful day. i think stress mixed with road rage and pms is a deadly combo. 5 days till jim leaves. havent really seen him a whole lot. guess hes got to get his quality time in with everyone else too. still no ring. im starting to get back into that funk again. i hate being so depressed into the point of numbness. i plan on getting so completely trashed that i yak tomorrow. yak and then drink till i yak again. sounds like a plan.


another day of life is over, and still i feel no peace
another day alone, another day unhappy
shot after shot i take, but it only makes it worse
its like the tequila is my hiding place from life which is my curse
tired of being called the bitch tired of being put down
tired of being questioned, tired of being around
i dont want to feel empty, i want to be full of heart
i want to be able to love you not just push us apart
i want to hold you in my arms look up at you and smile
i want to be happy and carefree again and be that way for awhile
i want to walk down the aisle with you i want to be your wife
i want to hold your hand and say i will love you for all the days of my life
i want us to be as one and stay that way forever
bc i feel like i cant live my life if we arent always together
funny i how i say that but i cannot make it that way
i start with the thought of positive love but lose it by the end of the day
then you start to question how deep does my love go
i love you so much i cant seem to show it though
i push and push and try to make you choose
i know i need to stop bc i know that soon ill lose
i dont want to lose you this i know for sure
but its like i cannot stop it this illness has no cure
please dont hurt for me you dont need this pain
im not sure how you made it this long without goin insane
please dont be so frustrated my love please dont let it show
bc as much as i love you, if im hurting you, ill let you go

theres my thoughts for today.

everyone have a happy and safe new year. be back when i can

lifes a bitch!!!!

i decided not to be creative about my colors today. i just feel kinda numb. you know whne you really just dont give a fuck anymore? yea im that girl today. life couldnt be much worse for me right now. well it could but you know im dramatic. i dont feel like typing alot so heres the short version of my weekend.

xmas eve....

i was supposed to go shopping cuz my auntie was gonna hook me up with some dough. we waited all day for her husband to wire her money and at 3 pm he decides to tell her he aint giving her no money. so i was pissed. theni had to go out to dinner with jims parents, which i love oh so much. austin was a brat the whole time. apparently "if your not good santas not gonna come" doesnt have any effect anymore. so after a long day of that bullshit, we came home and went to bed. i was depressed. but then i had a small glimmer of hope for the following day. like jim was trying to psych me out. on top of all that fun, i got some sort of stomach virus thing that night. and those are always a barrel of laughs.

xmas day....

i woke everyone up at 6 30 am. hehe. opened all these damn presents and NO FUCKING RING. i couldnt believe it. he got me a 200 dollar purse and a bunch of other crap. I WANTED A 1 CARAT PLATINUM RING!!!!!! so you know i was miserable all day. then we went to his stupid parents house which was the last place i wanted to be. for 12 fucking hours. they were shitty to me, jim was drunk, i was ill, austin was good though. then he came home and got drunker. 10 shots of vodka and was really irritating and then wondered why i wouldnt touch his naughty places. we had to get up at 7am the following morning to go to jersey and this motherfucker drank 10 shots of vodka and like 10 beers.

day after xmas.....

so i try to wake him up at 7. you know he didnt get up. didnt do anything real fun but i got to see my sissy and eat good jersey food. then we got stuck in traffic and it took us 5 hours to get home. we fought the whole time about why dont i have a ring. the ride is usually 2 and a half hours but last night it was 5. so i was crabby. still from the previous days too. i bitched and whined and just spazzed out. for 5 hours. about my ring. he said be patient. i thought i had. i dont have a year and a half worth of patience. sorry.

today my best friend of 13 years dumped me. for some bullshit. i havent seen jim yet today and its like 11 15 at night and life sucks. i dunno if you guys like linkin park, but that song numb.....yea thats me these days.

oh yea and jim leaves in 7 days.

my life sucks.

alot.

alot alot alot alot.....sorry

its time for a shot and bed now.

see ya soon

i hate xmas

santa hates me. apparently ive been naughty this year.

NO RING..........sniff sniff


sigh again

I HATE WRAPPING PRESENTS

hello friends, its been a few days, i know. you might not see me as much in the few days much. im gonna try and spend as much time with jim as i can in the next 12 days. god so sad. not much been happening lately anyway. ive been working a little, in a wawa. i dont know that any of you have heard of them but its like a 7-11. well i cried today at work bc they forced me to use the slicer, the thing that cuts the lunch meat. and i was so scared i cried. they told me if i dont learn how to use it i cant work there. so i was forced to do it. but i will not do it again cuz i dont wanna.

been doing some xmas shopping and crap. dont have much money so its not as much fun as usual. but my auntie has just moved in and shes full of money so shes been helping me a bit. tomorrow we are going shopping so i can get a gift for jim. i already got him a computer game but i want something good. between me and jim austin is set for xmas. just got to get a game for the gameboy and hes done. so hell be happy. which is what really counts. but i hate wrapping fucking presents. especially kids presents cuz they take forever. there all shaped funny and god its just a pain in the ass. sigh... whatever

on sunday we drive to jersey to take austin to his dads house. i hope he has fun. he hasnt seen him in over 2 years. not my fault though. the dads. but hes really excited bc he has a half brother the same age as him.( says alot about the dad doesnt it?) but before there im going home to see my sissy. yayyyyyyyyyyy sissy. havent seen her since august and hopefully shes not gonna be full of 15 yr old attitude cuz im just not up to it these days. i may slap her. like the old days. hahahahaha just kidding. sorta.(evil grin). and thats about it.

jim spent 8 hours shopping for xmas yesterday. he got me all sorts of shit. i think one gift is a cd. you know how you can always tell a cd gift? but theres like 20 gifts out there. but all i want for xmas is a ring. a nice 1 ct platinum diamond ring. PLEASE SANTA BRING ME A RING!!!!!!! otherwise im gonna be really depressed. i may just go back to bed. and say screw xmas. cuz god knows if i dont get a ring and am forced to spend xmas with his family that i cant stand, im gonna be miserable. some may say im spoiled and bratty like. but i dont give a f**k!!!! and thats all i have to say about that.

alright everyone ......HAVE A VERY MERRY XMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! ill try to stay in touch but like i said my jimmy comes first. sniff sniff. i think i may cry. god i hate bush!!!!!!!!!

screw up

ever notice that when things are good in your life, it never fails. somehow you fuck something up? yea thats the story of my life. but first lets go back in time a bit. oh and this will be long...so dont say i didnt warn you.


saturday was the day we were gonna go out for jims bday.i was so psyched to go out. i thought we were gonna go to the hardware bar. but we didnt cuz noone wanted to travel. then we were gonna go to jj's. well my friend from jersey was supposed to come down like she promised. well the bitch didnt answer any of my damn calls and then sends me a text message saying did you call enough? like being a bitch. i told her i was gonna call and tell her what was happening so that she could come and be here. well then i tell her where we are going and shes like well im not coming cuz its not worth the drive to go there. ok isnt the point that your coming to see me and jim? so i was like oh this is some bullshit. this is my best friend of like 13 years, and cuz shes at some dudes house shes being all shady? fuuuuuck that. so i text messaged her back and believe me it wasnt nice. havent heard from her since. whatever, i dont even care. anyway, then let me tell you how we never even left the damn house. i was pissed. granted it wasnt my bday anyway, but damn i was excited for like weeks about this day and we didnt go anywhere. now he says that well go somewhere for new years eve which is ok i guess. but kinda sux cuz EVERYONE is out for new years eve. everywhere we go is gonna be super packed. uhhh but again, WHATEVER. then yesterday. this is the main part of the story. yesterday was jims actual bday. well his mom was doing this thing for him like a dinner thing blah blah blah.

first of all, i didnt wanna be near his dumb bitch sister and thought it better not to go but he wasnt hearing it.

second of all, his aunt, uncle and cousins were coming and gramma too. and i dread family events. as it is when just his parents are there i get ignored. add on some more family members and its over.

so i went over and sat out in the other room being unsociable and when someone noticed i was like, well i dont wanna sit in there and feel all squished. cuz there was 9 people crammed at this lil table. no wait 10 and i didnt feel like being squished. i dont like feeling squished. anyway so thats how the day basically went. oh wait the best part. now i know some of you are gonna be like what a bitch, but i dont care. i think its funny. especially since shes been such a bitch to me lately. ok

well it came to be time for jim to get his cake with the candles and all that shit. well remember how i said jims family ignores me for jim? well they do his sister too. so they did the cake and didnt even notice she wasnt there. so when she came out of the bathroom and saw everyone was eating cake she started crying. now cuz im an evil grudge holding spiteful bitch, i was laughing on the inside. they had to do the whole candle and singing shit all over again so shed stop crying. so funny. im still laughing bout it. i know im mean. and once again....WHATEVER. thats my phrase for today.

well finally we get home and me and jim somehow get into this huge battle that i started as usual. not sure where the hell it came from. but it just kept escalalating. and sometimes when i get mad i say things that dont make sense or i dont mean. well this was one of those days. jim said something to me about i always shit on him and i flipped and said something like why should i be perfect for you when you cant even bother to marry me or some shit. and he got pissed. now jim doesnt get mad. so this was rare occasion. he wouldnt talk to me, look at me, or touch me. at first i was so mad i didnt care. but then i calmed down and felt bad and told him i didnt really mean that. and heres the icing on the cake. he told me for xmas he was gonna buy me an engagement ring and surprize me with it on xmas, but not now. goddamn my big mouth and fat head. sucks to be me. we made up. so everythings fine. but i bet i still dont get a ring. oh well, i only have myself and my big fat mouth to blame.


sigh

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18 days until life ends

im a little dramatic i know. sigh. this week a 21 yr old boy from the town over was killed in iraq. the signs on all the businesses say something along the lines of a rip to a hero and the family is our prayers. i feel like ever since jim found out he was going, more and more young people like jim are being killed over there. god im am so scared its unbelievable. this next six months will be ok bc hell still be in the states. and safe. hell be in mississippi training. but once hes done and goes to iraq im gonna be a mess. i was a mess when he went to bosnia that 7 months last time and the only danger there was land mines. ill be lucky if i eat or sleep while hes gone.


i really hate bush bc he went to iraq, im sorry he sent all these youngish men over there to search for weapons of mass destruction and find saddam. well he found saddam found some weapons but not the ones hes looking for and killed a couple thousand people and he done fucked everything up and for what? now i dont know how many of you like eminem the rapper, but i like him alot. and his song mosh, is the shit. i feel he makes very good points. heres the song.

MOSH-EMINEM (just some of it)

Come along, follow me as I lead through the darkness As I provide just enough spark, that we need to proceed Carry on, give me hope, give me strength, Come with me, and I won't stear you wrong Put your faith and your trust as I guide us through the fog Till the light, at the end, of the tunnel, we gonna fight, We gonna charge, we gonna stomp, we gonna march through the swamp We gonna mosh through the marsh, take us right through the doors To the people up top, on the side and the middle, Come together, let's all bomb and swamp just a little Just let it gradually build, from the front to the back All you can see is a sea of people, some white and some black Don't matter what color, all that matters is we gathered together To celebrate for the same cause, no matter the weather If it rains let it rain, yea the wetter the better They ain't gonna stop us, they can't, we're stronger now more then ever, They tell us no we say yea, they tell us stop we say go, Rebel with a rebel yell, raise hell we gonna let em know Stomp, Push, Shove Much, Fuck Bush, until they bring our troops home come on just...Come along, follow me as I lead through the darkness As I provide just enough spark, that we need to proceed Carry on, give me hope, give me strength, Come with me, and I won't stear you wrong Put your faith and your trust as I guide us through the fog Till the light, at the end, of the tunnel, we gonna fight, We gonna charge, we gonna stomp, we gonna march through the swamp We gonna mosh through the marsh, take us right through the doors, come on Imagine it pouring, it's raining down on us, Mosh pits outside the oval office Someone's trying to tell us something, maybe this is God just saying we're responsible for this monster, this coward, that we have empowered This is Bin Laden, look at his head nodding, How could we allow something like this, Without pumping our fist Now this is our, final hour Let me be the voice, and your strength, and your choice Let me simplify the rhyme, just to amplify the noise Try to amplify the times it, and multiply it by six Teen million people are equal of this high pitch Maybe we can reach Al Quaida through my speech Let the President answer on high anarchy Strap him with AK-47, let him go Fight his own war, let him impress daddy that way No more blood for oil, we got our own battles to fight on our soil No more psychological warfare to trick us to think that we ain't loyal If we don't serve our own country we're patronizing a hero Look in his eyes, it's all lies, the stars and stripes They've been swiped, washed out and wiped, And Replaced with his own face, mosh now or die If I get sniped tonight you'll know why, because I told you to fight So come along, follow me as I lead through the darkness As I provide just enough spark, that we need to proceed Carry on, give me hope, give me strength,

[Eminem speaking angrily] And as we proceed, to mosh through this desert storm, in these closing statements, if they should argue, let us beg to differ, as we set aside our differences, and assemble our own army, to disarm this weapon of mass destruction that we call our president, for the present, and mosh for the future of our next generation, to speak and be heard, Mr. President, Mr. Senator



I LOVE THIS SONG.

3 weeks from yesterday

well yesterday was the 3 weeks mark for when jim has to leave to start training. damn pms. i feel like ive been pmsing for weeks, but i cried about it for awhile today. it seems like time is moving so quickly. how come when you want time to go slowly, it goes by in warp speed? i mean what is 3 weeks when youve got holidays and jobs? like 6days? if that. jim keeps telling me i should feel proud instead of sad. and i probably should, but im sorry if im so selfish cuz i want him here where its safe. here with me. instead of in iraq where people just keep dying. and its awful to say but what if he gets to be one of those people. i just feel so scared. i dont know what i would do if that happened. he keeps asking me what im so afraid of. but how do you tell someone you love so much that is going away and trying to be positive about it that youre afraid of their death? without bringing them down and making them afraid too......


in the words of a fellow blogger..you got anymore shit you wanna throw at me? thats how it feels to be me these days...

stupid girl

oh my god! what an awful few days ive had. on top of pmsing. this is gonna be a long one. so be prepared and dont say i didnt warn you.

first id like to say haha to my sister who managed to get suspended from scholl. again. before the holidays. again. shes gonna have a lovely xmas break. lmao.

ok so lets go to saturday. so i got up at like 4 30 in the morning with jim cuz he had to go to army and insisted on waking my ass up. ok we didnt even go to bed til 12 30. so i was not a happy camper. i tried to sleep until 7 15 when i actually had to get up for my day of fun. and just when i fell asleep...the damn alarm went off. figures. so i got up and got my professional look going on and left for my hour long drive to my work class. it was soooooooooo boring. they gave you a workers manual and i pretty much colored it the whole time. there was a bunch of under 18 girls there and it was funny as hell cuz when the class was over they were all like watch for this colored car and let me know if its coming. they were smoking ciggies and waiting for there parents. it was too funny for me. so then i drove the hour back. feet killing me and feeling uncomfortable bc it was like the first time ive worn a bra in god knows how long. so i was unhappy. haha. then i had to go babysit my friends kid and mine while she went to go xmas shopping. along with pms and being tired, kids get on my nerves. especially when they tattletale on each other. which there was a lot of. well then jim calls me and somehow we got into this big discussion about xmas and this and that. well we still cant agree on xmas, and then just out of the blue i said your not gonna marry me before you leave are you. and he said no. so i got mad and sad all at once. he said were not at our high point yet. which is a bunch of bullshit. ever notice when you are upset you say things you dont really mean? well i said if we cant agree on our life together and we arent in the same spot, maybe we shouldnt be together anymore. and he said is that what you want? and i was like well im just saying. so i was extremely upset about that. i cried and cried and cried. i couldnt believe it. so finally when randi came home i left and drove home. of course all the sad songs that you believe were made just for you were on. so i cried on the way home too. then i got home and decided to get a pay per view movie to cheer me up. so i got white chicks. funny as hell! i was really enjoying it, when i got a phone call.

it was kim, jims dumb bitch cunt sister. and i dont use the word cunt freely. so you know im mad. anyway first she was asking for jim i said he wasnt here blah blah blah, and then we hung up. well two seconds later she calls back and goes," um do you still talk to jeff?" (jeff is my ex) and i said "what is it your business?" and we went back and forth like that for a few minutes. and finally i said" yea kim why?" and shes like "well does jim know?" and "i was like yea kim he knows. i dont see why you laways gotta try and stir shit up every time that you here something about me. you run home to your mom, you run to jim or whoever and just start fucking problems. mind your own damn business. why you always got to try and get me in trouble?" and do you know that fucking bitch said to me? she goes" well maybe you need to get in trouble so you can straighten your ass out" i was like excuse me? and shes all you heard me. FUCKING BITCH. first of all, its none of her fucking business who i do or dont talk to. second of all, dont pretend you care about your brother when you dont give a shit any other time. third of all, mind your own fucking business you cunt. (clearing throat) sorry bout that. anyway i call jim up and i tell him everything that happened and tell him he better take care of his dumb bitch ssiter before i do. he said ok. i said good cuz im getting tired of this bullshit she keeps starting. i didnt do anything wrong and shes trying to make a big deal of nothing. again. hasnt even been like a month since the last time she caused drama.

well then sunday jim came home from army, and we went to randis for awhile and got some dominoes. god i havent had dominoes in like 8 years. wasnt as good as i remember either. hmm. anyway so we came home and jim called his mom and they talked about him going away and then started talking bout kim and he was yelling and i guess told him to call kim. so remember he yelled at his mom. well then he gets on the phone with kim. and didnt yell once. he doesnt even like her and didnt even yell at her. he was all calm and told her not to be in our business but was nice about it. and get this. jeff didnt come up to her and tell her that we talk. she went up to him and asked him. like a spy. stupid bitch. and then she told jim she didnt like me and blah blah blah. now we used to be friends till she turned into this backstabbing troublestarting bitch. so whatever. then she calls me today to say shes sorry. and you could just tell she didnt even mean it. she was just saying it to try and look like the bigger person. but i know it was fake and she caught an attitude too. and jim expects me to go to his parents house for xmas. yea right. ill kill her. then shell have a real reason to start trouble. bitch.

anyway, so thats todays entry. hahaha sorry it was so vulgar. talk to you later

selfish day #2

ok so yesterday jim spent a good 3 hours with his mom doing stuff and then brought her here(oh joy). then his dad showed up and it was jim, blah blah blah blah for like 3 hours. during the blah blah blahs, his mom asked about xmas and he said he was gonna be there. i was like ummmm hold up. i thought we were splitting the day and he was like what do i need to go to jersey for. so i got pissed and went upstairs before i flipped out cuz i know weve had this conversationa million times now and i thought we came to a compromise. apparently i was wrong. so he comes up and asks the typical man question, whats wrong? um yea he knows damn well whats wrong. i said fine go to your parents house. im going home. so then we bickered about it and i dont know what hes doing but im going home. hes like well you tell my mom. i said oh no, you tell her. we can go see her the day after. whatever. anyway, then the new roomie came home and they invited the other friend over and then all went down to the basement together. now jim had off yesterday. how much time did i get. the short time i was awake before bed. and can you believe he tried to ask for naughty things? i laughed and said yea right. what makes you think you deserve my lovin? cuz i like to throw those questions he asks me back at him. haha im a bitch and proud. so i played with the ferret while i played family fued for hours. so im bitchy and selfish today. damn pms.

so then today i call my stepdad to see whats happening for xmas cuz i talked to my aunt and she said she was gonna do dinner and i was making sure he was going so my sissy would be there. he tries to tell me xmas is cancelled. i said they dont cancel xmas. he is such a scrooge. so i said fine im gonna come get ryan and ill take her with me. miserable people. i though xmas was supposed to be fun. not in my family. good god. i asked him cant you try to have fun? he said ive had fun all the xmases im going to. i said ok fine then. then he called me crazy. last week i was a deadbeat this week im crazy. oh i can feel the love. sigh. soon im gonna be a scrooge too? what happened to the xmas spirit?

selfish day

every now and then i get a selfish day. seems though with jim going away i have been having even more. on new years eve we are going to have a new years eve/ goodbye jim party. a 2 in one ya know? well, i invited my bestest friends from jersey so they can come and support me, and help me get through it. and ones coming, one has other plans that she paid 600 bucks for and the other says that shes spending it with her family bc theyve been having some hard times this past year. now i know in my heart or somewhere that these are very reasonable reasons and i shouldnt be mad or anything. but in the evil part of my brain im pissed. cuz i feel like id drop whatever and go see them if they needed me. i dunno, i know im stupid, or acting stupid. probably cuz my period is due soon. damn hormones. i hate when they make me act irrationally. i hate being a girl sometimes. ok well im gonna go sulk like a three your old now. bbl

damn and here i thought i was gonna be something good

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hehe

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these are my postings for the day

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You Should Date An Italian! You love for old fashioned romance, with an old fashioned guy An Italian guy is the perfect candidate to be your prince charming If your head doesn't spin enough, just down another espresso with him Invest in a motorcycle helmet - and some carb blocker for all that pasta! Which Foreign Guy Should You Date? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

me, me, me, its all about me!!!!

so im stealing an idea i read in other blogs only for the purpose that i have no stories to tell today. so this one is all about me.

i was born in new jersey, and now live in maryland. with 25 moves in between.

i have brown hair but wish it was red. ive been trying since i was 14 to get it.

i hate country life.

i like weird animals, like ferrets, iguanas, frogs. the others make me sick.

i got pregnant at 17.

i dropped out of school when i was a senior which was the biggest mistake ive ever made.

my child is named after soap opera stars. austin from days of our lives(who is no longer on) cole, from sunset beach which isnt on anymore.

i hate winter, but didnt like living in florida.

i hate the fallowing words, pu**y, c*nt,especially when they are aimed at me.

i am a psychotic demon when i am pmsing.

i dont like being in places like chuck e cheese cuz i cant stand the sound of multiple children. i dont like kids much.

ive never wanted to get married ever until i met jim and now its like the focus of our life together.

i hate george bush, not just cuz hes sending jim away, but thats most of the reason.

i love garfield the cat. hes my favorite. i even belong to a garfield club.hehe

im not very girly, youll almost always see me in jeans and tshirts. but i love makeup.

i dont really like other girls, but had a (clearing throat) short time relationship with one. if you know what i mean.

i have a 15 yr old pmsing all the time sister who lives in ny and 14 yr old autistic brother in nj. dont ask me what autism is though cuz i cant really explain it.

I LOVE MILK DUDS, MILKY WAY DARK, ALL DARK CHOCOLATE, AND TWIX. I PREFER DARK THOUGH.

i have many fave ice creams. mmmmmmmmmmmmm. i love ice cream.

i dont do drugs anymore. drugs are bad and they screw up your brain. i am now dumber than i once was.

i have dreamed about doing something in music since i was a lil girl. radio dj, broadway, famous singer. now the most i do is kareoke at the bar.

and i have become a full time computer junkie. as you can see.

i am a survivor of rape and molestation.

my mom died before her 40th bday when i was 21. we were just starting to get along really well too. i miss her alot.

i believe in ghosts and believe that the stuff you see john edwards doing is real

and i would really like to go to italy.

thats bout it. not very interesting but its me. haha

gramdmas are the best

before i start my blogging for today, i must say that its kinda sad how i can write everyday. i look at other peoples posts and they dont cuz they actually have lives. hmmm

anyway, so yesterday i went to grammas, cuz i bought a xmas tree and it was really her buying it, so she gave me the cash for it. and she gave me a hundred bucks for part of my present so i could do some xmas shopping for austin. isnt that nice?

well then the fam came over. i hate when the fam comes over. its never fun. they all watched football and i came upstairs to play with snoop cuz thats how much fun they are.

today i went shopping for some stuff for austin. i went to kay bee toy store and was in luck cuz everything was on sale between 10-50%. i only spent 70 bucks and got like 10 things. like cool things. and i got a present for jim too. i got him the 2005 carmen electra calendar. i got the 2004 last year and it was a big hit. but its not as slutty as last year.hmm wonder why.

tomorrow i go to wawa to start my classes for a new job. yippee. jim aske dif i was excited and i was like umm no. its a shit job, but it will do for now.

oh and remember i told you before that jim wanted me to get a roomate? well guess what i got one. and i dont like it. its a guy i know but not real well. i dont really care for this arrangement much. but what can you do?

ttyl

january 4th

hello all it is i jerzee. well yesterday i spent about 3 hours doing xmas decorations. and fluffing out my 4 ft fake white xmas tree. hehe. that was the easy part. let me tell you how the outside was a bitch though. after 3 hours i was like hell with it. good enough for today. then i came in to mess with another string of lights and finally got it to work. yayyyyy. while i was trying to fix them my jimmy came home. he came home early to surprize me. i got on him bout that thing with the guys at work, and he said that wasnt why they were mad. ok whatever. well then he checked his email......and january 4th is when he leaves. thats only like a lil more than 4 weeks away. im so upset.(sniff sniff) he asked why i was so upset when i knew it was gonna happen, and i said because its such a short time away, and next weekend he has army, the weekend after that is his bday, so well be with his friends. the weekend after that is xmas, so well be with his family. and the weekend after that is new years so the friends will be around again and then well have to go see his family. all other days hes gotta work. so where is my special alone time? any available time he has open his mom is gonna snatch up like last time. and through all this, i aint even gonna get a stupid ring. and he told me to chill out. that he was gonna take 2 weeks off of work, and i through in that your mom will steal you for.(im greedy and unwilling to share, i know) well i sulked for awhile and then we got in the shower, and as he was scrubbing me he was humming the here comes the bride song(does it have a different name?) and i asked why he was singing it, and he said, cant i be excited? does that mean what i think it means?(cheesing) i hope so. god i dont want him to go.

my life sux. i hate bush. and in risk of sounding like a bad movie..why cant we all just get along?

well his parents are supposed to come over today, yippee, and i have to battle with some more damn xmas lights. funny how xmas is only 20 days away and i dont even care. hmm. sometimes i wish i was a lil girl again. like back when i believed in santa. seems like thats when life was good, and you didnt have to worry bout these things

ttyl

someone asked me what id do if you had to go
but i guess the truth is i dont really know
i know id be miserable if i couldnt see your sweet face
i wouldnt be comfortable in any place
i wouldnt be able to smile without your loving touch
id be so unhappy missing you so much
itd be like the world was over without you by my side
id sit by the calendar watching the years go by
id dream of you every night and wait for you to return
id cry tears of lonliness my heart would yearn
i think i might go crazy without having you near
i would watch the news and worry be full of fear
i would wonder if you thought of me like i would of you
and think of how i love you and you love me to
i could dream of our future as i wish on a star
and hope that wish reaches you wherever you are
id look at the pictures so id never forget your face
maybe revisit some of out favorite places
i would hold my teddy bear so close as i try to sleep
squeeze him like he was you so as not to weep
id think of the old days and how far weve come
id think of how the bad days are almost done
id do all these things so i wont be sad
and then maybe those 18 months wont be so bad
but then again who am i trying to fool?
bc life isnt life unless im am with you

for my baby boo......

iraq

yea so i seem to be doing this double blog thing alot. anyway, i went to jims moms house cuz she was giving me some xmas lights so i could either cheer myself up or make myself more depressed. well while i was there, she said she saw on the news that they are sending 2000 troops out of indiantown gap very soon. jim is from the indiantown gap station or whatever its called. so you know what that means, right? my whole life is over.(god im dramatic, its almost that time) that means that jim probably has orders on his email saying its time for him to go. noooooooooooooooooo. im not ready for him to go. hell be being shipped off nay day now and where the fuck is he? out fucking hunting. i wish i could remember his password so i could check the emails. but i can only remember 12 of the things. the army makes you have like 20 charachters for a passcode. dammit. im stressed out. i hate bush. alot. anyone seen the eminem video for the song called mosh? yea thats me in the black hoody. god i hate him. well talk to you tomorrow. im gonna go sulk now.

friday night

ok so yesterday was a long day and it was action packed. like every day. my friend from jersey was to come by yesterday so i spent the whole day cleaning. then when she got here we took austin and met up with randi and her daughter and went to this place called boomers which is kinda like chuck e cheese. so the kids had a blast as did i. we were there for awhile and then austin asked if he could sleep over randis. i said sure why not.
so then my night was free to do whatever. melissa wanted to go to the bar so we were trying to find somewhere fun to go which is hard sometimes bc i live in hillbillyville. everything fun is far. so i called up jims friends to see what they were doing. dont you know they all blew me off? now whats funny is if someone asks me i say that they are jims friends and they all get upset and say were your friends too. yea, i see how they are my friends. anyway so we decided to go to this place called jj mccooleys. which is just a bar but its usually fun and they play good music at least. so we get there and the bouncer who i call sasquatch started flirting with melissa. all the dudes flock to melissa. anyway so we got some drinks and then sat and while we were sitting there this hillbillie guy comes up to her and asks to use her lighter. let me tell you how he kept coming back the whole time we were there. steady asking to buy drinks shots whatever. so he got us a set of drinks and then a shot. 7 liquors in this shot i was told. it was called the red devil. it tasted like spiked kool aid. it was good. but anyway so the whole time this dude is hogging up my friend, his friends are coming and talking to me.first dude came up and was asking me and friend who the other dude was. i was like i have no idea. and then he asked if me and melissa grew up together and i said we have known each other since we were 11. hes like yea thats how me and this guy are. he was like weve been hanging out since back in 81. i started laughing and i was like yea i was a year old in 81. lmao. that made him leave. friend # 2 comes up and hes like hi how ya doin? and i was like fine and hes like this guys and asshole you shouldnt talk to him. i said do you see me talking to him. hes like well my take on him is hes an asshole. i was like well go tell her. i dont care. i was being bitchy. hehe. i was getting irritated cuz the guy talking to my friend kept coming by and interrupting our conversation. and didnt care. just stayed a running his mouth. and melissa didnt even really wanna talk to him. anyway then friend # 3 comes and hes staring my friend down. and then he looks at her and was like can i be blunt with you and shes like k. and hes like you got really big boobs. and i turned and just stared at him. moron. anyway she was cool about it and was like yup. so then he just kept staring at her and he said tome, aint that a bitch, such a pretty girl with such big tits. i was like oh my god. and his WIFE was standing right next to him. anyway this dude was trashed. he was smoking a ciggarette and then next thing i know, melissa is pulling a ciggie from under my arm. dude threw the ciggie towards the ash tray and missed and it was burning my shirt. i was pissed. i said are you trying to fucking burn me. finally he left. i was so happy . then the guy talking to melissa left. we danced a song. my fave lets get married remix by jagged edge and run dmc. and her guy comes again i swooped her up and was like noooooooo. my turn. then this other dude came up to her and wanted to dance with her. i was like oh my god. then her dude came back and was all blah blah blah. meanwhile i was making fun of people cuz im a bitch. there were these 3 fat girls. now i can pick on fat girls cuz im chunky. in a good way though. lol. anyway these 3 fat girls with like skintight clothes on. ewww. all you could see were rolls. it was so nasty, and when they danced it all jiggled. i was laughing my ass off again.

finally i got irritated and we decided to leave so we headed for the door i got to sasquatch the bouncer and turn around and melissas gone. i see this black dude snagged her so i go to save her and the hillbilly got her. he walked us to the damn car blah blah blahing. when she got in the car she said she gave him this girl we dont likes phone number (evil grin). and i asked her what happened inside. she said the black dude stopped her to tell her how beautiful she is and asked for a hug. then asked to give his DAD one. can you believe it? and then we drove home. it was fun, but would have been more fun if the hillbilly hadnt glued himself to melissa. lol

well thats all for now

love ya

f-ing men, i swear

ok so like i just wrote a blog but its almost officially friday so heres an early morning friday one. hahaha. i decided i needed to write this cuz im very upset/pissed off. ive bout had it with men. ive decided they are all fucking stupid. excuse my language, but they are. so ok, remember way back when (like 2 weeks ago) when i was bitching(god all i do is bitch it seems) about how jim called me up yelling at me about my friend telling his siter who told her parents i said we were getting married? ok well jims sister kim(haha i know its funny right? jim and kim) came over today to give austin his birthday gifts, and i confronted her again(evil grin) about that whole situation, and heres what she told me. she said she had said something to her mom jokingly who passed it on to the dad and they are all friggin smartasses so his dad said something to him at work. they work at the same place. and apparently his co workers, all male, started picking on him. so thats the real reason he got pissed and felt the need to call and bitch for a half hour. so heres my point, who the fuck cares. is he like ashamed of marrying me, i dunno all help me out here. bc i mean for real who fucking cares. is it really that big a damn deal that i had to listen to 45 minutes of cursing? and what does that mean about us? does he just tell me hes gonna marry me to make me happy? the whole thing makes me really suspicious like and we all know a suspicious female is no good. once you get suspicious(am i spelling that right?) about one thing you start doubting everything. i think im starting to lose my damn mind. i really do. now im even more in a funk

well the good news is that my friend from jersey is coming to see me tomorrow. which means i lose a lil bit of country and get some jersey back for awhile. and that always makes me better. till it wears off. im starting to become a very miserable person and i hate it. i didnt used to be this way.


i miss the old me......

feeling funky

ok so ive been slacking lately with my daily entries. but i guess its ok bc, whoa too big. hold up.ok thats better. anyway, i guess its ok bc i only got mainly two readers and i dont see them as often as they used to be here anyway. so theres not really a whole lot to say. ive been slacking cuz i feel just miserable anymore. xmas is in 23 days and i could really give a shit. see what i mean? cant find a job, i have noooo money. my car insurance is due next week, today is austins bday jims is on the 19th and then theres xmas. so im not feeling all holly jolly like. my life sux. i know i know it could be worse, but ever notice how when you feel really crappy it seems like it couldnt be bc we take so much for granted? and me and jim have been bickering and hes really pissing me off anymore. i was talking to him about getting married before he goes away, and do you know what he said to me? if i wasnt so afraid of the possibility of a youngn reading this id be cursing. he said why do you think you deserve a ring? i looked at him with my best mean face(and believe me its scary) and said are you f-ing kidding me. not only have we been together for 3 years and 1 of those we have lived together, but i already waited for him for 9 months when he was shipped away last time and now i gotta wait around for 18 months? that doesnt deserve a ring? i didnt cheat last time when alot of other girls would have. i even had some guy all up on me and as "excited" as i was, i turned him down. and he was fine too. and now he expects to just take off for 18 months and wont even marry me? excuse my french any young people, but fuck that. and i told him so too. maybe im acting stubbornly or it doesnt seem like i love him very much or whatever, but thats how i feel about that. im not gonna spend another damn year and a half alone and not be wearing a 2 carat platinum ring. i told him if he doesnt marry me before he goes not to expect me to be here when he gets back. cuz i wont be here. when we started this relationship, i gave it 5 years the max i would wait to be asked. now it changes a bit cuz by the time he comes home the 5 year mark will have passed. i know i sound demanding, but cmon now, 18 months is a long time without loving and cuddling and whatever for just a boyfriend. i dunno. give me your thoughts on this.

im going back to bed to sulk. cuz i do that now too. jim just left for a 4 day hunting trip. bastard. now im gonna be soo lonely(whining). at least i have some barnum andbailey animal crackers. the kind i used to eat when i was a lil girl. they are the best.mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

love ya until tomorrow
muah