feeling blue

so i have decided that pms has come in time to kick me in my ass. damn shit! im really sitting here and crying as i type this damn thing and i really have no reason for it. i was talking to jim and you know i asked him to do that whole thing for my bday, and he says he might not have time which i understand and all but i just cant stop fucking crying. its killing me. my bday is gonna suck. im not even excited anymore.

this weekend sucked. and im not really hopeful for my actual bday, or next weekend. weve been talking about going to the hardware bar which is a kick ass place if we actually make it there. i dunno

im going back to bed

yayyyy to me!!

so yesterday i went to my grannies to see if my aunt would come over and babysit. while i was there i got the idea to go on hte scale. ive been feeling skinnier lately. so i get on the scale and since may i have lost 30 lbs!! woooohooooo. im gonna be a hot momma in know time. jim will be in shock when he sees me being all skinny again. i cant wait. lol

while i was at grannies i got some presents for my bday. yayyyyy my bday is in 3 days. i wish jim was here to celelbrate it with me. we always have the best damn times. he always spends a ton of money on me and we always do what i want alll weekend long and the actual day too. but thats not the only reason i want him here. i miss him alot. ive been getting emails about 2-3 times a week from him. they dont usually say a whole lot but i know hes thinking of me. i bought him a card the other day that says i love you like 4 times and then its upside down and then 2 more regular ones. you open it up and it says i know how you like to change positions once in awhile.lol i thought it was cute. so im gonna write it out and stick some pics in it and mail it. that should make him happy. i miss my baby!!

off to get ready for some more pre bday celebrating.

nowhere

so ive been listening to this song alot lately. its called nowhere by 112. i love this group and i have since i was like 16. apparently jim bought this cd. im not sure why bc its not really his style or anything. i have never even heard him mention the groups name before. but anyway, this song is just beautiful. i wish jim would say shit like this to me. but according to a fellow blogger i should be getting a letter/email sounding this way sometime soon. although it will make me extremely happy i will probably die of shock right after.lol anyway, heres the song.

its called nowhere by 112

If ever you wondered
If ever you were nervous about it
You gotta know,I aint never,
Lemme say that again,
I aint never, goin nowhere
Listen to me

Last night I almost cried when you told me
That you think you love me more than I love you
Sometimes it hurts to carry that burden alone
Lets be clear and get a few things straight
No ones ever gunna take your place in my heart
Nothing can measure the love that i've got for you
Im telling you

When im out in the club at night
You dont have to worry about a thing
Cuz I aint goin nowhere, I aint goin nowhere,
So my heart is telling me that you are the one
that im gon be with for the rest of my life
And I aint goin nowhere
I know you've heard it all before
You dont have to worry no more
Cuz I aint goin nowhere
Baby just trust me
As long as you love me
I aint never goin nowhere

I was lost and abandoned
Searching for the truth
Looking for that missing one
That missing one was you
The road was so tough
But you gave it up
Untill I found you and you made it
Worth the wait and worth the years
Worth the strength and worth the tears
And you dont know the half of it
But baby heres the rest of it

Did you know that your a gift far brighter than the sun?
Did you know that your a blessing, and im the lucky one
Did you know that I could never ask for a better love
Did you know that I would die, before I broke your heart
Did you know that if you left me, my world would fall apart
And never come back together, baby thats for real
So the next time that you tell me, you'll remember this

When im out in the club at night
You dont have to worry about a thing
Cuz I aint goin nowhere, I aint goin nowhere,
So my heart is telling me that you are the one
that im gon be with for the rest of my life
And I aint goin nowhere
I know you've heard it all before
You dont have to worry no more
Cuz I aint goin nowhere
Baby just trust me
As long as you love me
I aint never goin nowhere

isnt that beautiful? im starting to think that i need to find me a r&b singer. bc they say the best things. this song has inspired me to write jim a email telling him that for my bday he has to write me something totally sweet and cheesy so i feel the love.lol i probably wont get it,but its nice to dream. sighhh

thats better

good god i still feel rough.lol i didnt last long yesterday. i laid in my bed to watch tv planning to stay up till 7pm. but i watched some of fresh prince of bel air(ive got a thing for will smith!!) and i passed out. that show comes on at 5 30.lol and i woke up at like 4am and i was like good god when did i fall asleep. now the weird thing is austin said he didnt turn my tv off but it was off. and im almost positive i didnt turn it off. hmmmm. i still had my glasses on and everything.lol

damn im getting old. i used to be able to pull those all nighters for days. sighhh oh well. so my bday is in 6 days. yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!! im so psyched. got some pre party things for this weekend to do. but im not telling what it is.hahaha. and then next weekend i think we are going into deleware. my only problem with this is that we gotta smoke outside. and when i drink i smoke like a chimney. but other than that im psyched. woohoo im ready to shake my ass. and there is a shitload of people going too. i cant wait.

ANDDDDDD i will be getting another tattoo for my bday for number 12. hehe my boss at work called me a tattooed freak. fucker.lol

ewwwww

i feel like walking mush. ive been up for like 31 hours maybe a little more. i worked 15 hours on my feet,and i am wayyy tired. but i have a little one and i cannot go to sleep now without the horrible knowledge that when i wake up the house will be destroyed and multi colored. sighhhhh

my bday is one week from today!!!!wooohooooo partytime is almost here. the party starts on friday at 2 30pm and goes all the way to the following sunday. thats right its aholiday week for me bc i am special.lol and im very delirious right now too. my bed is calling me

just a quickie

so tonight i start a new job. its at a place called tastycake. some of you may be familiar with it. they make donuts and crap that goes straight to your ass.lol which i will be eating none of.lol. the only problem is that i have to work 2 jobs now. bc im still doing my two weeks at the old job and now im starting this job. i didnt go to work at the old job today bc i didnt wanna get out of bed.lol it was a wonderful thunderstorm outside and it was just good sleeping so i was like ahhh fuck em.lol so anyway ive been up since 8 am. they called and told me they wanted me to start at tastycake tonight and i said ok cool. now i tried and tried to get a nap in bc right after my 11pm to 7am shift i have to go to the old job and work 7 30 am to 2 30pm and then come home. i havent gotten a nap. im not going to either. so im gonna be up for like 31+ hours and then scramble a little sleep in there while playing mom and shit and hope for at least 4 hours of sleep to do it all over again. so by friday i will be dead.lol but ill be paid next week. and its all about the benjamins baby.lmao. so dont be surprized if you dont see me for awhile till like friday. i may surprize you and youll see me before then, but just in case i still love you all.

wish me luck on not becoming a complete zombie. lol

dammit

i have so much to tell but i cant say it on here. too many critics and i cant handle that. i may need to get another blog. i need to write in something and i cant do it here anymore. sighhh

for the man i love

for the man i love this is for you
for every special thing you do
for the way you look at me with lust in your eyes
for the way you make me so mushy inside
for how i can look at a picture of you and feel my face flush
for the dirty things you say to make me blush
for the way you nitpick but its out of love
for when i need you you give me a hug
for the finger that wipes my tears away
for the smile you have for me everyday
for all the massages and the dirty stuff too
noone could ever love me the way that you do
for the tolerance you have when i start to rant
for telling me i can when i say i cant
for the faith you hold in me while you are away
for the love you give me every day
for the way you say my name when we start to fall asleep
for letting me know that we are for keeps
for believing in me when noone else will
for how you say forever and when we die still
for letting me know i am that very special girl
i love you more than any man in this world!!!!

and now a song...lol

Cater TO YOU by Destinys Child

Baby I see you working hard I wanna let you know
I'm proud to let you know that I admire what you do.
The more if I need to reassure you my life will be PURPOSELESS WITHOUT YOU
If I want it (got it)
When I ask you (you provide it)
You inspired me to be better, Challenge me for the better so sit back and let me pour out my love letter.
Let me help you take off your shoes, untie your shoe strings take off your cuffliks.
What you wanna eat boo let me feed you, let me run your bath water whatever your desire I'll aspire you.
Sing you a song turn the game on I'll brush your hair Help you put your do rag on.
Want a foot rub you want a manicure
Baby I'm yours I wanna cater to my boy!


Let me cater to you cause baby this is your day do anything for my man baby you blow me away.
I got your slippers, your dinner your desert and so much more.
Anything you want let me cater to you
inspired me from the heart can't NOTHING tear us apart
your all I want in a man
I put my life in your hands
got your slippers your dinner your desert and so much more.
Anything you want I wanna cater to you.


Baby I'm happy at home let me hold you in my arms
I just wanna take the stress away from you making sure that I'm doing my part
boy is there something in it to do
If you want it(I got it)
Say the word (I'll try it)
And whatever I'm not fulfilling
No other women is willing
I'm going to fulfill you mind body and spirit
I promise you(promise you)
I keep my self up
Remain the same chick
you fell in love with
I keep it tight and I keep my figure right
I keep my hair fixed be rocking the hottest outfits
When you come home late tap me on my shoulder I'll roll over
Baby I heard you I'm here to serve you
This love you need to give it is my joy
All I wanna do is cater to my Boy!


I wanna give you my breath my strenght
my will to be there thats the least I can do
let me cater to you.
THROUGH THE GOOD
THE BAD
THE UPS
And the DOWNS
I'll still be here for you let me cater to you
cause YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
I LOVE THE WAY YOU ARE
fulfill your every desire
Your Wish is my commad(command)
I WANNA CATER TO MY MAN
your heart so pure your love shines through
The DARKNESS WE'LL GET THROUGH
So much of ME IS YOU.
I wanna cater to my man

I LOVE YOU FOR LIFE SGT. JAMES C. noone will ever take your place in my heart. im yours forever!!!!

sighhhh

alright queenie says i have to update. but i dont have anything to tell. sighhhhh so ladies and gents here is a question for you. is there one look that your other half can make that will make you want to just go and fuck no matter where you are? just drop everything and go be dirty?

jim used to have one but it dissapeared for awhile. i called it his serious face. when he would drive he would concentrate so hard at driving. or just look like he did. and when he did he was just so hot looking i had to rape him in some sort of way. either a pull over kind of thing or just yank it out and give it a treat. im not sure why it horned me up so bad but it did. no matter where we were or what we did all i could do was think dirty thoughts. it was great. but then that face dissapeared and im not sure where it went. i miss that face. i actually took a picture of it. he used to laugh at me bc id look at him and just jump on him and hed be like what what.lol

now its when we get to wrestling around. pushing each other and pinning each other down by the wrists or slamming each other into walls. thats hot.lol

soooo is there some kind of face or something that just makes you want to be dirty?

and the answer is........

hello my friends. today is the bestest day ever. work sucked ass bc it was like 300 degrees in there but other than that it was an uneventful day. my child is asking for a fist in his mouth. such a brat i swear.

but here is the email weve all been waiting forever for. now remember he cant type:


I think it was a misunderstanding i was made at you that night but dont worry about it I want you to be happy. its no thing dont worry about it if ki dont want to be with you any more I would let you know. I olove you and i miss you. talkj to you later love Jim


im so fucking happy you dont even know. i cried for like 10 minutes and then 10 more. i think my month of being strong and having no emotions at all took over. i am soo releived and sooo happy. im not sure why he was mad at me that night but it doesnt matter anyway.

i love my man!! but you knew that

im never drinking again!!! until my bday..

good god my head is killing me. like alot!!lol. last night i sent austin to my grammas. i needed to go out and like DO something. so i dropped austin off and then i went to see my friend nicki. when i got there she was talking about going to the bar. at first i was like naaaaaaa. bc they were going somewhere dumpy. so i told her wed see. so i went to find randi next and bring the idea up to her and see what she said. she was all for it. ok well lets go!!! so i went home and changed my clothes and makeup. i was perrrrty.lol and off we went. so on the way there i called jims friend erik and asked him to come too. took awhile but we got him to come.

i had sooooooo much fun. its the most fun ive had at that dump in a long damn time. and i was trashed!!!! i was dancing my ass off. the only kinda problem was that given the fact the erik is jims friend i couldnt really dance like i wanted to. you know really dirty and like well you know. i dont think erik wouldve cared or run to tell jim or anything but i just felt uneasy about it. for a little while anyway.lmao so i danced dirty with the girls which is just as much fun. i got erik up to dance and danced dirty with him. not as dirty as we would normally do bc he wasnt trashed like me and he only gets dirty when he is completely obliterated. but i was rubbing all over him and randi was too. then my old friend alex came and finally i just didnt care i danced as dirty as i wanted to. i was all grindin up on alex and pulling on randis shirt being dirty with her too. i love being dirty.lmao. i cant wait till my bday comes. and we go somewhere where there are alot of people and nobody cares how dirty you are. there alot of people going out for my bday so it should prove to be a great time. and i decided i dont care who tells jim who i was dirty dancing with bc first of all its just dancing. not like we are screwing...really. and second of all cuz i know if he was there hed be telling me to go dance with other people anyway. he doesnt dance at all unless hes trashed.

i really miss him alot. i had fun being dirty and dancing all night until my thighs were burning and i couldnt stand bc my legs were numb.lmmfao, randis legs gave out and her and nicki fell over. funniest shit ive seen in a while.lol but i really did miss him alot. bc nothing is better than being a dirty dancer all night long and getting all horned up and coming home and having great dirty raw kinky sex. but i came home and threw up instead. yessss. always a sign of a great night.lol

i miss my baby

such a pussy

so i was up until like 3 am last night. i was really bored and on the computer for awhile and at about 1:30 a email from jim popped through. there was a whole bucnh of i love you s and all that. we kind of had like instant message through email.lol which sucks. but it worked for the moment. he made it safely to iraq and hes ok and all. they are waiting for the other troops to leave so they can get settled in. and then we just started talking about all kinds of stuff. and i asked him if he got my other emails? if he had read them yet and he hadnt so he told me to tell him what they were about. so i told him that one held some drama in it and i wasnt sure if i should ask him. and just as i knew he would he told me to ask him any drama questions or any questions at all that i had running through my head. so i did. after he told me that some things were better left alone. hmmmm. i didnt like that much. heres what he said:

good luck nothing else going on any qustions for me im not really sure what yuo want me to tell you about, there aloth of stuff but some things are better left alone so if you have a quiostion of me you have to ask me

i wonder if thats like stuff about there or stuff about us like he knows what im gonna ask? well anyway, as i was typing in my question he sent an email saying he had to go,but hed be backlater. DAMMIT ALL TO FUCKING HELL!!!!! i finally got brave enough but i waited to fucking long. that was at about 3 am this morning. i then tried to go to bed and i couldnt sleep. i was up every damn hour after that trying to get an answer.

everyone please cross your fingers for me. please please please. ill let you know as soon as i get an answer

you smell sooo...sour!!

not much going on here lately. glad that its friday. havent heard from jim which kinda stresses me out. im hoping he got to iraq safely. but enough of that. got a few stories for you.

first one is about my demon spawn and how he pissed me off today. in his shower there is like a towel bar in it. now remember this is JIMS house. i just live here with austin. i made him go in the bathroom to take a shower. now he always fucks around when hes in there. and it irritates me but nothing bad usually comes of it so i let it go. well today i heard a huge crash and i went upstairs to see what the fuck he was doing, and he was acting like something bad happened. fucking great. my head is pounding and im pmsy and so i check out the bathroom and notice that the towel rack is not there. so before i get mad i ask him where it is. he says its in the trash. snapped in half. fucking great. this is the second fucking towel rack he broke. now he mustve really fucked it up bc i hang on mine in my shower when me and jim have sex in the shower and it hasnt snapped yet. so i ask him what he did to it. get this. he was using it to exercise. are you fucking kidding me. im so pissed. damn kid. and this isnt the first thing this week. hes really testing my fucking patience this week. he hit someone at camp this week. he lost his 3rd damn towel at camp and many other things too. sighhhhhhhhh. on second thought im glad im not pregnant.

now funny story. one time when me and jim went away for the weekend. i decided i wanted to try something new. so we went to the store and got some whipped cream. i love whipped cream and thought it would be fun to lick it off of each other while being naughty. and it was alot of fun. eventually after a shower we were both so worn out we both passed out. well i did anyway. he kept messing with me and eventually we had sex a few more times. well the whole time i kept smelling something and it didnt smell good. but i couldnt put my finger on what the damn smell was. after intense sex, i started sniffing everything and it was the bed. and i started gagging and had to run to the bathroom and throw up.lmao. turns out when we were being naughty with handcuffs and whipped cream we got some all over the bed. and when it dried out it smelled like sour milk. so we had to rip all the sheets off the bed. but all damn night i could smell it. i even had dreams of drinking sour milk.

moral of the story.... always have spare sheets when using whipped cream. id say dont do it but its too much fun.lmao especially when you add handcuffs!!

boorrrriiinggg

so im home early. i have female problems and i cant stand,so i left. i hate that damn job god i hope i get fired.lol

not a whole lot going on here except the slight dissapointment that im not pregnant. i know i know i dont really like kids and all that. but it still wouldve been interesting to see what a jimessa looked like. sighhhh. oh well. so i have thought of another story. its a quickie.lol

on the first valentines day me and jim shared it was right after tax return time. i didnt have any money at xmas time to buy him any presents so i figured id make up for it now. we had already declared our love and all and my whole life was all about jim. kinda like it is now. i spent about $1300 on our v-day. lol i know im crazy. he thought so too. i bought him a whole new wardrobe. i bought him a few cds, a silver linky kinda chain and a matching bracelet. some very sexy cologne. god that stuff smells so damn good. and a few other necklace things. i rented a hotel room for 3 nights at the hilton hotel and for all the fun that was going to entitle, i brought some fun things. i went to the birds and the bees which is our naughty toy store here. and i got a bucket of fun.lol thats what it was called. it had all sorts of massage oils and creams and all kinds of stuff in it. and i also bought this leather paddle as a joke.A JOKE!!!lol anyway, well while we were at the hilton on the first night i gave him those gifts. and of course he wanted to try them out asap. i tried to explain that the paddle was just a joke. but sure enough i got my ass whacked.lmao. now this paddle was black with little hearts on it. i thought they were just for like decoration. well after my ass was beaten about 40 times, it was covered in hearts!lmao. i had a hiney of hearts. i tried but was never quick enough to catch him. after my ass became un-numb we tried out this warming pina colada massage oil. we had alot of fun with that. i got a wonderful massage and so did he. and while we were you know rubbing up against each other, all slipping and sliding and stuff we were laughing and stuff, all of a sudden jims like, my skin feel really hot. now it was dark so we really couldnt see. so we got up and turned a light on and we were beat red. you know how things always hurt more when you see them. well we were on fire. we had to hurry and jump in the shower to get all the oil off. and after a good 5 minute scrub we looked at each other and our skin was all broke out. lmmfao. that was a great weekend.

so the moral of this story is NEVER use the naughty toy store version of dirty massage oil.lol

jerzee from a-z

ok so i went to visit wordwhiz and saw this and thought it may be a little bit fun. so im stealing it. so heres some stuff about me:

A- austin cole my six year old son

B- bibs..the name i call my sissy for some reason. cant temember why though.lol

C- cool.. im a cool chick everyone wants to be my friend.lol that was a hard one. this is harder than i thought.lol

D- dolphins are my favorite animal. i think they are so cool and one day i dream of swimming with one. and yes i was one of those gay kids that watched flipper and like it.lol

E- ears. i hate ears. they gross me out and i dont like my ears touched and i dont like touching others.

F- fat is what i am. not sure how i got this way but i got some pics today that i took when jim was home and i disgust myself. i dont want to talk about it anymore

G- green is my favorite and the color of my eyes.

H- hostile. i am mostly a calm person but when people piss me off i get very very hostile

I- iguanas. i love them to death. i used to have 2 when i was like 15 and one of them got out of the cage and ran away to my neighbors grill. no it wasnt on, and then i had to get rid of them. but i will get another one

J- jim..the love of my life who is away in iraq. :(

K- kitties.. ihate them but they love me. im very allergic

L- leo my astrological sign. and true every word too!!

M- moody. im one of the moodiest people youll ever know. one second happy next angry or sad or whatever

N- nicky my brothers name and nj where i was born and lived till i was 17

O- old. im getting old. i will turn 25 in a few weeks

P- picky. its hard to buy certain things for me. so when holidays come and people ask what i want i say either gift certificate or tell them specifically what i want.lol

Q- questions. jim says that when we talk i only talk in questions. he says i always answer questions with questions or something. but its only with him.lol

R- restless. i cant sit around one place for too long or i start to get all crazy like. i have to be doing something. and if i feel like partying i will not be happy till i got to a club and shake my ass.lol

S- sad. i miss my jimmy and the way things used to be. before i was fat and ugly. if i were him id dump me too!! (rough day..sorry)

T- tracy.. my extrememly missed mothers name

U- unorganized.. i am not a very organized person. even when i try to be

V-vanessa..thats me.lol

W- whiney.. i tend to whine when things dont go my way until i irritate them into giving me what i want. i do it to jim alot.lol

X- ummm Xavier something was the name printed on the ass of cabbage patch dolls. i beat my sister up with mine. that was back when the heads were hard and not plasicy yet.lol i know i was mean to her.

Y- yo-yo. thats my weight and has been since i was little. im always either skinny or fat. never in between. i hate it

z-zoo i just went to one for the first time a few months ago. and it was pretty cool. but i feel bad for the animals


so i learned yesterday that my sissy reads my blog. which makes me happy. except for now when i want to curse her out for saying i need to think about somebody other than myself for once. she pissed me off. alot. bc our conversation wasnt even like that. so heres my ranting on that and you can try to figure out what im thinking:

gfvnmjirfenvuje;ncvuiehgbu9piejhgi ;jioemio nu8u 9u5 94uy8ori ji[j kgore[wv,u90[uw[jgkefw;mbu954bun89mgbire; j905iuopdkvml'klto35043290-,klgfjkl;dl;mbklgf'k[]qolp[akgvoer]kj m06954w itreop,kb vogptej 90653=8i6b9054=0-erkgl;fdkl;fk09=fimt4 bo

ok i feel a little better.

awww he loves me.. i think

so i got up at the ass crack of fucking dawn today to go to that hell of a place i call work. and i checked my email as i always do in the am bc you know i await the words of the man i love. and i finally got one!! yayyyy. now its not a reply to what im waiting for but heres what he wrote me. oh and he cant type either.lol.


Leavingforiraq soon this will be the last time i get to a computer till i get there. As soon as i geyt there i will right you again i should have more time . I have alot to tell you just dont have the time. whatkinda stuff do you have to show me. alrightlove i have to go to class at seven so it time to get off of here its midnight by you so your sound asleep right now talk to you latert love you for ever JIm


so thats good right? RIGHT?!? i kinda wish i could pretend all that other shit didnt happen and wish i didnt send that email. sometimes id rather be in denial. ya know?

oh and dont ask what i told him id show you. you dont want to know. well yea i know you do but im not telling.lol

sighhhh

i think im really starting to miss jim. havent heard from him in over week,and telling my stories about him makes me want him near. its gonna be a long stretch waiting for him. but thats ok. i will make the best of it.

for some reason my brain is foggy today and i cant think of a story to tell that i havent already told. so ill have to save it for tomorrow. austins making me mad cuz he keeps popping off at the mouth, im missing jim, im tired, i am hoping for the arrival of my period and stressing about it and i just got all this shit going on in my head and i cannot think of one damn story out of 4 damn years. its sad really.

soo sighhhhhhhhhh, heres to another work week and another lonely night in bed. if austin ever gets out of the damn shower so i can go to bed. grrr

damn hillbillies

so today has been a great day so far. not bad at all. i stayed up till like 3 am last night. knowing damn well i had to get up early to go somewhere.now had i not have had somewhere to go, it wouldve been fine i wouldve been up at 7. but you know i didnt get up till 9 45. i was supposed to be somewhere at 10. still had to shower. sighhhh. so i showered and did all that fun crap. made it there by 10 15. so then we went to go to the bosses house and go swimming. it was alot of fun. i tried to do all the things i used to be able to do when i was a kid. like flips off the board. i can still do fronts but not backs. too scared now. remember when you were young and had like no fear? ahhh who cares if i hit my head on the diving board?lol those were the days. i managed to get a great tan today. gotta love the summer san and the beautiful tan you can accomplish to bring out your beautiful green eyes.lol

so i was talking to my sissy today. and that bitch got to eat zeppolis. damn it all to hell. ive been craving zeppolis for like 5 months. and these hillbilly country folk dont make them. the closest i can get to one is a funnel cake,and its not nearly as good. ive only ever seen them in jersey. its way better than funnel cake and wayyyy better than elephant ears. sniff sniff. i wish i had some. if my car wasnt a piece of shit id go get some this second. dammit all to hell.lol she said she ate four and then got full and thought to herself,if vanessa were hear shed eat some. sighhh i miss jersey and their so much better than here food. oh well

ok story time: me and jim had only officially been boyfriend and girlfriend when we decided to take our first together trip to nj. it was right before turkey day and he really wanted to go, so i let him come. we stayed at my moms house even though she was in the hospital.(this goes back to that story i told you about where my mom called him jeff. same time.lol) anyway, so it was the day before turkey day, and jim was meeting my friend gio for the first time. we went out to a bar. i was the only one who was 21. jim was 18 gio was 20. but my friend jen ran the bar. it was her dads. and jim looked old enough and gio did too. well we got wayyyyyyy trashed off of all the free drinks. i had like 2 huge alaskan ice teas. 3 kamakzis, four tumblers full of black haus and 3 lemon drop shots. dont ask me what anyone else drank cuz i cant remember. i do know we were all trashed and i had to go and throw up twice.lol but i kept on drinking.(god remember the days when you could do that? 21 was a great age!!lol) anyway, jim who was also trashed was sitting next to me on my left and gio was to my right. well jim put his arm around me,and in doing so burnt off a huge chunk off gios hair with his ciggarette. lmao. i was like ohhh my god!!!!! and then i told him what happened and we looked down on the floor and there was all the hair.lol. i thought she was gonna be mad,but she was soo trashed she didnt care.lol. on the way home(yes we drank and drove. we were dumb) we got pulled over by a cop. now right before that gio had smoked a joint. im amazed that between the booze smell oozing out of us and the leftover pot smell that we didnt all get arrested. we got off with a warning. you know cuz were girls and all. well me and gio are..anyway.. when we got home jim got out of the car and threw up everywhere. lol and he never throws up, so you know we all drank way too much. we went inside brushed our teeth and then made out. and it was our first time having sex. now wed only been together for like a week. im not usually that girl. and it wasnt cuz i was drunk. ive been drunk like that before with guys and didnt sleep with them. but jim was so special to me. i knew it then. and god we had some great drunk sex. we finally passed out at like 4 am and slept all through turkey day.lmao

ahh memories

gotta go now. we are going back to the pool for some nighttime skinny dipping.lol woooohoooo

well damn

apparently noone cared about my damn stories. well screw you man.lol j/k what a crappy day i had at work today. really sucked ass. i hate the people at my job. all the fun ones quit. boooooo. this weekend isnt looking like much fun. still no word from jim. but hey whatever. im cool.

went to see his parents today. you know theyve been being really cool. maybe cuz i made the effort to make peace. maybe cuz jim told them to be. maybe cuz they are sad. ahh who knows but whatever the reason, i like it better this way. maybe it was me crying about my horrible life.lol. but i was there chatting for about an hour. and i didnt feel anxious to leave like i normally do. jim would be so proud of us. sniff sniff. i miss him. alot. but at least time is going fast. its been almost 3 weeks since he left. feels like it was yesterday. ok heres another story. since noone is reading anyway.. its to amuse me.lol

not this last one or the one before, but the 4th of july BEFORE was a great one. me and jim didnt have a house yet, so we spent the whole weekedn at a hotel by his parents boat. we went there so much that we earned a free night or two. cant remember which. but we were there for like 4 days. austion was away, cant remember where. and we did all kinds of stuff. jim had to work, so i went to the hotel early. while he was gone i watched fireworks they had a few miles away. and then he got home. it was really hot, so when jim busted his ass at work to get to me asap he ended up getting dehydrated and passed out. so that night wasnt much fun. the next day we spent the whole day at his parents boat. the boats really fun when austin doesnt come,bc he doesnt like the water so he bitches the whole time. but i laid out on the front of the boat and got some color. and me and jim swam. then we went to a fireworks show they have up here every year at the park. he didnt really want to go,but i made him go!!lol and they were beautiful. im not sure why but i always thought it romantic like to watch fireworks with the man you love. then we went back to the hotel and were dirty.lol. the next day we went to the fireworks store and spent almost 300 dollars on fireworks. it was alot of fun to watch them be lit off. bc they tried to be like professional and do it..but you know. then this one guy helped jim set them up,and i guess he did it wrong bc all of a sudden it was coming at us. it was like those war movies where you see the rocket or whatever coming at the guys and they run in like slo motion and then dive to the ground. lmmfao. we were so scared. its funny now though. then we got those gay little popper things and threw them at each other. it was a great weekend. i miss times like those. sighhhh

have a great weekend

ok mood has passed

well im not angry anymore. and on monicas behalf, she never called me an asshole or said i was selfish. but i can read between the lines. but whatever...ill let it go.

there isnt much to tell really. still no word from my lover. i guess they are very busylike. i know he will be moving toward iraq soon. sometime early next week. im hoping to here something soon. but i guess i dont really mind pretending everythings ok. which is what i think im doing. well its half and half. sometimes i pretend everything is fine and dandy. and the other half of the time, i act like we are broke up already. sounds crazy but it works for me.

my sissy also yelled at me also yesterday. said i was gonna make myself crazy. bc im sad all the time which isnt really true. i only get sad when im in the were gonna break up mode. bc then i think about all the fun goofy retarded stuff weve done. which is alot. and then i laugh about it, and then i think what if we never have that again. BUT.....

i still have not cried. now raise your hand.. how many of you are proud of me? oo oo i am!!! lol. i was gonna tell a funny story but i wouldnt even no which one to tell,theres so many.lmao, ok i will start with an early one. its short.

one day me jim and a few of his and my friends were supposed to go to the mall. it was close to halloween or right after i cant remember that. but the boys who are dumb..lol i think jim was only 18 then. i was 21. and they wanted to be silly. so jim let me put makeup and fake eyelashes on him. lmmfao. and he looked really good too bc i am a makeup pro. i even got sparkly glitter on him. and his friend wore this really goofy golf looking outfit. it was funny as hell. we went to the mall and all these people were staring at them, and giving them weird looks. i guess you had to be there.but believe me it was funny. ill think of another one tomorrow

k love ya

once again im an asshole.....whatever

in the words of a fellow blogger.."this may make some people mad,but its my fucking blog so i dont care!!!" i changed it a little bit.

today i was scalded like a little child by two feelow bloggers. now im used to being yelled at for my thoughts and beliefs in whatever. its not like its a first for me. but DO NOT come to my blog and tell me how im an asshole and selfish. bc its not like that at all. like ive said beofre. you people dont know me and you dont know jim. maybe you know other soldiers and how they dealt with things before, and thats fine. but dont come here and tell me how to live my life. and that if its gonna be soooo full of drama maybe jim should let me go. FUCK THAT!!!

ok first of all, my email to him WAS NOT mean. obviously you dont talk to me enough to know that for me that was extremely nice. and dont tell me i need to keep my mouth shut for 14 months on something i need to know. bc first of all, jim doesnt really care about drama. second of all, if its true what he said, that he doesnt want me, then hell have no problems telling me. its no skin off his back. hes a million miles away so he cant be near me when i break down and cry. if he doesnt want me im not gonna be a little bitch and beg for him to be with me. bc no thats not what he needs and thats not what im about. and if its not true, that girl was lying..then why would it affect him at all? we'll just go about our normal lives like nothing ever happened.

im not a immature little 16 year old, so dont treat me like i am. its my fucking blog and if i want to be stressed over waiting for an email..I CAN BE. its not like i dont know what hes doing or why he hasnt sent one back. ive already gotten two others, so i know he can. and if you dont like my views on things..or just feel the need to lecture me

DONT COME BACK!! cuz i dont need anymore bullshit lectures!!

k thanks

to the rest of you i love you as always

c'mon already!!!!!

god its only been like 5 days since i sent him that email. but it feels like its been a month. do you know what it feels like to wait so long for a simple yes i want to break up with you or no ill love you for life? it doesnt feel good. i actually did one of those cheesy emails where there is a big prayer and you make a wish for something and have to send it to so many people for it to come true. yup, i did it. and now all i want is a simple answer. damn army!! always getting in the damn way!

im going crazy!!

blah blah

yea so not much going on here. can you guys take the suspense? i cant. got it feels like weeks since i sent him that damn email. im slowly going crazy. i just want to know an answer already. yes or no. dammit.

anyway, didnt do much this weekend. i went to randis on friday night i think, cant seem to remember. oh wait..yea i did. saturday we went to her bosses pool and swam a bit. real nice pool with a hot tub and a waterfall. i want one of them. austin got attacked by a horsefly twice. austin does not like bugs so as soon as he knew something was on him he froze and cried until i came over. and it was biting him so he was like flipping out. then the fucker chased me around for like 10 minutes,bit me and then went back and got austin again. wasnt funny then but its funny now.lolthen the whole rest of the day everything that went past him was a horsefly. traumatized for life.lol they had fireworks here that night and i sat at randis and watched. that was the excitement of saturday.

yesterday was fairly dull again.i sat around and slept alot, like i did on saturday too,lol. and then i called my granny up and asked her to keep austin overnight and so i went and dropped him off. i ate some beef stew mmmmm, and then went to randis for a bit. then she eventually came here and we started doing shots. i dunno if i just havent drank plain vodka in awhile or if it was just gross vodka,but i coulndt do the whole shot thing. it was skyy vodka,just the regular kind. god i almost through it up on spot. well then we went to this girl nickys that i havent seen since me and jim first got together. and we partied there for a good while. god i got fucked up!!! i needed it to.

so then i came home all fucked up, and got on the computer cuz it just seemed fitting since i was happy and tore up that jim would respond to my email finally. he didnt, but of course my sister popped up with all this drama. she caught her dad cheating on his wife. now these surprizes me xero. i tried to tell him he was a pig,but she doesnt listen. she was all upset and crying. im not sure why she was crying cuz she doesnt even like the wife anyway. but she was crying and telling me how she wished she had a normal dad and blah blah. and i was trashed. i could barely type,let alone think straight, so she got pissed and left me. oh well. it sucks that she had such a high like respected view of him once and every year she gets older, it goes downhill. i knew it would,but i guess it hurts her to know that dad is the biggest pig bastard of them all. but she has to learn,bc then when he says mean things to her, shell learn not to care as much. as i did growing up with him. asshole. i wish shed come live with me

anyway, now i am off to get my child and hopefully go to the horsefly pool.lol

happy fourth

i think i may be bitter

im not usually a twice a day poster. but i wrote a poem. which started out sad and then got very angry. before i post it to let you read it, i will tell you that i got an email from jim. it wasnt in response to the important one. it was to one i sent him today. so he still has no clue. said he doesnt have a whole lot of free time. so im still waiting. but bc i truly beleive in my heart that we are done, i think this is where all my anger came from. so here is my very bitter angry like poem. i know some of you will be proud.lol

untitled by me

hearts break in the summer heat
the shaming realization of your life without me
the hurt and the tears and the pain inside
the thought of you gone, how our love died
where was i when it all went to shit
how did i not see, how did i miss it
how could you say things, and not to me
how could you brush me aside so carelessly
am i so easy to discard to easy to forget
do i fill your life with nothing but regret
how long has it been since you truly felt the love
the love i felt was so great the love i dream of
how come it just seems to fall apart
how come im here with the broken heart
how could this happen and how could i not know
how was it so easy for you to take off and go
why am i here and feeling so alone
why am i the one feeling desperate why on my own
once you said you loved me and i thought it was true
once i believed that i truly loved you too
i thought i still did and that you felt the same for me
how did i float through life so fucking blindly
how could you go away and not tell me on your own
why does everyone else have a clue and im the last to know
you told me to trust you, told me to not fret
and now im the one here living in regret
so heres to my stupidity to my belief in true love
damn me and my thoughts that you were the one
damn me for beleiving everything you said
fuck me for shaming myself, wishing i was dead
damn those warm nights where you held me tight
damn me for letting you go without a fight
and fuck you for leading me to think that you loved me
and then dropkicked my heart so effortlessly
fuck you for letting me trust you, and fuck you for leaving
fuck you for your lies and all your decieving
hope you feel like a man now for trampling on my heart
guess i shouldve known better from the very start

i told you i got some penned up rage inside.

sighhh

im dying inside, and nobody knows it but me...

nobody knows

I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more everyday
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me

Like a clown, I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Why didn't I say
The things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is tumbling down
I can say it so clearly
But you're nowhere around

Chorus:

The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about
The love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm trembling at night andNobody knows it but me
I lie awake it's a quarter past three
I'm screaming at night as if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah my heart is calling you
And nobody knows it but me

How blue can you get?
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle
It's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say
Just how I feel
A million years from now you know
I'll be loving you still

Chorus:

The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about
The love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

Tomorrow morning I'm hitting
The dusty road
Gonna find you wherever
Ever you might go
I'm gonna unload my heart and hope
You come back to me
Said when the nights are lonely...

Chorus:
The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about
The love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

sighhhhh. still no word from him. but i talked to his friend and he said he hasnt heard from him either. god i just want this to all end already. i had a dream last night that he sent me an email telling me not to worry that hell always love me and blah blah blah. wish it was real