for you...

for all my single moms that come visit me, and for myself to, i decided to post this song. i heard it the other day, and although i dont really care for the singer, i like the song.

SO HERES TO ALL MY SINGLE MOMS. HIGH 5'S TO ALL

"Baby Mama"by Fantasia Barrino

[chorus]
B-A-B-Y M-A-M-AThis goes out to all my baby mamas
This goes out to all my baby mamas
B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A
This goes out to all my baby mamas
I got love for all my baby mamas
It's about time we had our own song
Don't know what took so long
Cuz now-a-days it like a badge of honor
To be a baby mama
I see ya payin' ya bills
I see ya workin' ya job
I see ya goin' to school
And girl I know it's hard
And even though ya fed up
With makin' beds up
Girl, keep ya head up
All my

[chorus]
B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A
This goes out to all my baby mamas
This goes out to all my baby mamas
B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A
This goes out to all my baby mamas
I got love for all my baby mamas

I see you get that support check in the mail
Ya open it and your like "What the Hell"
You say "This ain't even half of daycare"
Sayin' to yourself "This here ain't fair"
And all my girls who don't get no help
Who gotta do everything by yourself
Remeber: What don't kill you can you stronger
My baby mama...

[chorus]
B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A
This goes out to all my baby mamas
This goes out to all my baby mamas
B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A
This goes out to all my baby mamas
I got love for all my baby mamas

Cuz we the backbone (of the hood)
I always knew that (that we could)
We can go anywhere, we can do anything
I know we can make it if we dream
And I think it should be a holiday
For single mothers tryin' to make a way
But until then
Here is your song
Show love to my....

[chorus]
B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A
This goes out to all my baby mamas
This goes out to all my baby mamas
B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A
This goes out to all my baby mamas
I got love for all my baby mamas


i hope it made you feel good to read a song about yourself. made just for you. it did me

yayyyy... well maybe yay

so today i found out about a place that may be able to help me with food. but even better than that i talked to jims friend erik, and i asked him if i could get a job with him. he does roadwork with the state. and he said that they are looking for flaggers. you know the dude that has the stop/slow sign. they make some kick ass money. so im gonna call tomorrow and find about that. great benefits, great money, union, and they get the whole winter off. damn right!! im there!!

everybody please keep your fingers crossed for me. hopefully someone in heaven loves me enough to help get me out of this funk im in

ive decided that....

ive decided that the government hates me. and that life fucking sucks. and that i really hold no hope for these next 14 months that jims gone.

i finally got my ass out of bed. you know what i mean,from like being utterly depressed. and when im done this im going right back in it. today i went to go file for child support,and apply for food stamps and medical assistance for austin. all that crap. i qualify for none of the government assistance. none. i make too much money they say. which is amazing to me,bc i cant afford to get food. before taxes i make 350 a week. after i make 285. so in total after taxes, i make 1140 a month. ok $600 goes to my rent. $400 goes to the babysitter. $115 goes to car insurance and the rest is gas. ive got nothing left over. nothing. but bc before taxes i make more, i dont qualify. its fucking unbelievable to me. i cant afford to feed me and austin,but i make too much damn money? how can they include money you dont even have,or recieve? and the child support? yea i have to pay for that too. so all in all, the government has stolen my man away and said fuck you starve and die.

im going to bed. i dont have anything positive to say. i see no happy outlook anymore. fuck it.

fuck everything im done.

stolen from my buddy...

ok i have nothing newsworthy except im feeling good today. so im stealing a couple things from the misguided fool.

1. Your true name: DONT EVER CALL ME THIS!!!Jacquelynne
2. Name you wished you were called: vanessa,my middle name
3. Name of your children (if you are going to have any): austin cole
4. Favorite song: god thats hard. just the way you are by billy joel
5. Favorite song lyrics: everything i do,by brian adams and faint by linkin park. explains alot of people in my life, sadly
6. Any one word to describe what you are feeling now: lonely
7. Number of siblings: 2
8. Last thing anybody said to you: ..but im playing nice with ferrets :(
11. What you thought you were going to be when you got older when you were a child (can't phrase it any better, sorry haha): marine biologist
12. What you are planning on doing with your life right now: get through it happily
13. Person you'd like to meet: mmm warrick on csi
14. Your personality as a song title: more than a woman
15. If you could kill anyone, who would it be: george bush,the fucker
16. Favorite cartoon: garfield and friends
17. Favorite place in the world: NEW JERSEY!!!! duh
18. Sexy or sensual (anything, like what type kiss or lover): sensual
19. Hugs or handshakes: Hugs! Ubleys! lol
20. What is your opinion on Americans?: Some are cool the rest are assholes
21. Look in any direction, what is the first thing you see?: ferrets
22. Craziest thing you have ever done: almost gotten arrested bc a boy i was confronting was scared.lol loser
23. Stupidest thing you have ever done/ said/ asked: i can take care of a baby all by myself at age 17
24. One misconception people have about you: Slut
25. Something nobody knows about you: hmm thats hard cuz i tell all of you everything..oh wait, i watch girl on girl porn and like it!lol
26. The most interesting thing you know: clouds are made from water
27. Funniest joke you've heard: i dont remember jokes good
28. The most beautiful thing you've seen: my jimmys face after he was gone for 9 months in bosnia. well except for that stupid mustache he had.lol
29. Favorite quote: 'fuck it'
30. Do you think people go anywhere after they die? If so, where?: i believe they hang around and watch you
31. biggest pet peeve: when people lie
32. first kiss: mmm i think i was 14 or 15
33. favorite pair of shoes: right now it would be my blue and white k-swiss shoes
4. most prized possession: My teddy bear collection and my stereo system in my car. nice and loud.yea yea!!
35. favorite memory: my last conversation with my mom where she asked me if i thought jim was THE ONE


ok next...

01. Take the book that is closest to you, open it in page 18, what does line 4 says?contact the printer manufacturer for technical assisstance
02. Extend your left arm all you can. What’s the first thing you can touch?Nothing
03. What was the last thing you watched on TV? days of our lives
04. Without looking, try to guess what time it is. 4:50
05. Now look at the clock, what time is it?4:51
06. Besides your computer, what can you hear?ferrets running around
07. When was the last time you walked on the street? bout an hour ago
08. Before coming to this page, what site were you visiting? time to tell
09. What are you wearing?Black pants and a green shirt that says JERSEY.lol my autism bracelet and 3 other bracelets
10. Did you dream last night? yes i did
11. When was the last time you laughed?at work when i was making fun of my bitch supervisor. hehehehe
12. What’s on the walls on the room where you are? nothing, jim wont let me hang stuff up.lol
13. Have you seen something weird lately? a really ugly girl walking down the street looking all ki9nds of drugged out.lol
14. What do you think of this test?It's a test? i like it
15. What was the last movie you saw? i watched a walk to remember this weekend. it makes me cry and i needed a good cry
16. If you became a multi-millionaire tonight, what would you buy first?A brand new honda!!
17. Tell me something I don’t know about you. Be sincere: i have arthritis in my knees and im only 24
18. If you could change something in the world, that wasn’t politics related, what would it be? umm making pot legal.lol
19. Do you like to dance?Heeeeeell yes!
20. George Bush: that fucker. i hate him. die you bastard. ahem..sorry
21.a. Imagine your first kid its a girl. What would you name her? arianna paige
21.b. Imagine your first kid its a boy. What would you name him? austin cole, lol
22. Have you ever thought of migrating to another country?YES!
23. What language would you like to learn how to speak fluently? italian
24. Name the top 3 TV shows you like the most right now:CSI the vegas one, charmed and thats it
25. Say something profound:youre fucked if you do and fucked if you dont.lol im not sure what profound means but hey it sounds good to me!!

im gonna get through this...i think

ok, now ive read everyones comments. and first i will say thank you. bc in some way you are all trying to help, whether i like what you say or not. i still love you all, i was mad about some,but i will get over it!

ok now, im gonna try to make all of you understand some things about me. now my life story sucked. for those of you unfamiliar with it, heres the rundown. i grew up a rich girl. so i had everything i ever wanted,except someone to tell me or show me they loved me. i watched my mom get beat on a regular basis, and when she got beat, i got beat. i was molested by my stepdad from the ages of 13-15. i was raped on my 17th bday. got pregnant at 17 and then abandoned. had many boyfriends of different status's. one who was violent, one who cheated,all that fun shit. ok. so with dealing with all that, i never knew really what love was. i thought i did,but it never was. by the time i met jim, i got some self confidence, grew a backbone, and said fuck it to just about everything. i played with the boys heads,never getting close to any of them, that way i could never get hurt again. so when i met jim i was sexy single independent and didnt care. jim was another one of my games. but i ended up falling for him. hard. i knew with him it would all be different. on one of our first few nights together,we went and parked by a bridge and talked for like 6 hours. trading life stories. which id never done with a guy. so he knew all about me.

on the day that jim told me he loved me,and i could tell he meant it, i cried. i cried for like 20 minutes. and then i knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. before him i never wanted to get married. never ever. but with jim it was different. jim was there when my mom got sick. if it hadnt been for him, i wouldnt have gone to see her that last time. he was there when my mom died. he held me together. he always holds me together. jim is my glue. i became very dependent on him. he makes me whole inside. all those years of being hurt,and letdown, and having never been loved by anyone, he fixed. none of it mattered anymore. jim is my perfect man. no matter what bad things you here me say, jim is my love my life.

but without him i fall apart. without him its like regressing in life. i know it sounds pathetic, but thats how it is. and right now hes only in mississippi. when he goes to iraq ill be a complete mess. i love jim more than life, i would never leave him. but at times like these when i cant talk to him for days, or we argue when we do, i just lose it. my head falls off and makes me dumb. and then i depress myself even more,and get to the point where im numb. and i dont care about anything. it comes and goes. but thats how it is.

and on that note... im going back to bed. cuz thats the only way i know to get through this

maybe hes not

im starting to think that maybe jims not the one for me anymore. maybe i need to just pack up and move out and go somewhere far away where i wont think about him anymore. cuz im serious when i say ive had it with ALL the bullshit. im done. i dont want to do anymore.

today me and jim had a chat on the phone, and i asked why dont we get married when he comes home for break. and he didnt say anything about it. then after digging and crying and yelling he tells me he doesnt want to get married till he turns 25. thats 3 years from now. i dont want to wait that long. my point is he loves me so much then why do we need to wait that long. why doesnt he love me enough to marry me now? weve been together for 3 1/2 years now. by the time he turns 25 it will be 7 years. i dont want to wait. he says whats the difference. i said im ready now. then he goes into the whole, when i first met you you never wanted to get married. well thats all changed. am i not allowed to change my mind? wtf? he says hes too young. i said if you love me enough to marry me now than what difference does it make. then he said how getting married is just a waste of money and a piece of paper.

i dont think he really even wants to marry me. when i was saying im ready now, hes like well how old are you. like saying im almost 25 so of course id want to. then i counterattacked with ive been ready since i was 22 like you are. i dont know why its so important to me to do this now. but i know i dont want to wait 3 more years. if he loves me so much then why hold back? i just dont understand and it hurts my heart so bad. the only things i can come up with are 1> he really doesnt even know if im the one he wants to marry. so thats why we need to wait 3 more years. which why should i wait out 3 years for him to try and see if im really the one and have him break my heart. and dammit i just forgot what 2 was. motherfucker!!!!!!

im starting to wonder why i even get out of bed. i know this is awful to say...but i really believe that if i didnt have austin, i would have done killed myself by now. bc my life is just one fucking let down, after abandonment,after let down.. and ive bout had all i can fucking take!

bastard

glad you can mange to have some fucking fun,while i sit here and be miserable. and then tell me that this is what you signed up for, this is your obligation. yea that may be true you fucker, but have some fucking sympathy. just for once you ASSHOLE!!!!!


i dont feel like being bothered today. not that you guys bother me, im just saying


im ready to be done with all this fucking bullshit. i dont wanna be sad anymore

yea im home early..and what?

so i never heard from jim yesterday. he said he was gonna call but nope nothing. i even left my ringer on all night. no call no text message. whatever. im feeling stressed and when im stressed i need him. and i get......nothing. fuck it whatever.

so i got up this morning and knew that i didnt want to go to work. i told austin this too. he says well we should take the day off. me no work him no school. but we went. by 9:15 i was ready to go. after tearing up all morning, i knew that i couldnt stay there. i knew i was on the edge of my meltdown. and i KNEW if someone were to be shitty to me,id flip out and get fired. so the solution? go home early. so here i am. i went to the old job and visited some friends. and that made me a lil better. then i came home. since i was home,austin wanted to stay home. so i said ok. hes downstairs watching the cat in the hat. very content. me, ive got a thing of ice cream in the freezer calling my name. fuck the diet. maybe ill bowflex later. oh and when i went to the old work they said it looked like i lost weight. yayyyyy bowflex. i cant wait for jim to see me.

i got a card in the mail today from jim. it was sweet. made me cry though. ive been telling him i want some cheesy love. and i got it. on the front it says:

if this were a perfect world i could strestch my arms all the way to where you are and give you a big hug.

open it up and it says:

but if this were a perfect world we wouldnt be apart.

or something close to that. then he wrote, see i can do cheesy love to. i miss you and i love you very much. i cant wait to be with you forever.

and he even drew a little heart with an arrow through it and made some x's and o's

god i miss him. i found the perfect song today about us. so you know that youll have to read the lyrics:

I've got this jones formin in my bones
from a man
who indeed took over my soul
understand
I couldn't breathe if he ever said
he would leave
get on my knees til they bloody red
beggin please
see I don't know if you get it yet
just don't know
he's like a lighter to my cigarette
watch me smoke
I never knew another human life
didn' t know
could have the power to take over mine

so baby Baby baby baby baby baby baby
I love you baby baby baby baby baby
I love it when I hear your name got me sayin
baby baby baby baby baby baby
I love you baby baby baby baby baby

See I can never feel alone with you
in my life
I'll give up everything I own for you
won't think twice
almost ashamed how I'm mesmerised
such a shame
I lose my thought lookin in your eyes
I know why
because your kisses make my lips quiver
and that's real
and when you touch me my whole body shivers
I can feel now
I can see how another life
another life could have the power to take over mine
cause you're my Baby

I can see my worth living here
on God's green earth
you don't know what you've done to me
I never thought i'd need you desperately
it's kinda sick how I'm stuck on you
but I don't care cause I'm needin you
and how I feel will remain the same
cuz you're my baby

And when the world starts to stress me out
will I run
it's to you boy without a doubt
you're the one who keeps me sane and I can't complain
can't complain
you're like a drug you relieve my pain
may seem strange
you're like the love flowin through my veins
keeps me alive and feedin my brain
now this is how another human life
another life
could have the power to take over mine
cause you're my baby


perfect song. i love him so much

COME HOME NOW LOVER!!! I NEED YOU

im going f-ing crazy

i feel yucky today. i havent heard from my lover since last friday. and that conversation was no good cuz neither of us had good service on the cells,and i was in a packed diner. and i mean packed!!! 12:30am and not a single open seat. lol gotta love jersey and the cheese fries with gravy! anyway, and before that there was a bunch of storms and he had no service so we couldnt talk.

im going crazy and im starting to get in the depression mode again. if i cant have him here, i at least wanna talk to him. and it seems like it never fails that everytime i get into these fits, every damn sappy love song comes on. or every damn show has someone getting married or having sex or something. it fucking sucks. i wanna be all done. like yesterday!!

he keeps telling me that he sent me a card. this is the second one he supposedly sent. now the last one never showed up. he said he mailed this one on friday. it shouldve been here by today the latest. but no card. wtf? im starting to wonder if he really ever sent one. how do 2 cards get lost in the mail?

in my new rubber bracelet obsession i found one i really want. like really bad. its a black bracelet. it has other colors on it too, but i forget what they are. but it says "when bush lies, people die" i really want it. just gotta find a friend with a credit card. that fucker. if he wasnt president, none of this would be happening......

autism awareness part 2

hello all. i am very happy that i could educate some of you,and that you all enjoyed my post. i chose to do that bc of my brother, and bc noone really knows much about it. there is a site in which they sell products to support it.





http://www.autismgear.com/

they have lots of neat bracelets and stuff. i was very interested to learn that some of you are already familiar with it. for those of you who didnt, if you have ever seen the movie RAIN MAN with tom cruise and dustin hoffman, dustin hoffman plays an autistic man. if you havent seen it, rent it. its a great movie!!

i also stumbled upon another website. its a walk for autism. now i know many of you are far away and cant participate,but for those of you who are closer here is the website

http://www.kintera.org/faf/home/ccp.asp?ievent=75834&ccp=40047

if you go, ill see you there!!

autism awareness month

to some of you this post may be boring. and if so, then i have nothing nice to say. but april is autism awareness month. i am doing this post bc my little brother is autistic, and we need to make more people aware so that maybe a cure could be found. dont know about autism? well here you go..

What is autism?

Autism is a complex developmental disability that affects an individual's social interaction and communication. It is known as a spectrum disorder, because it affects each individual in different ways and to varying degrees. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2001), autism and its associated behaviors have been estimated to occur in as many as 2 to 6 of every 1,000 individuals. Overall, the incidence of autism is four times more prevalent in boys than in girls and typically appears during the first 3 years of life. Children and adults with autism tend to have difficulty with verbal and nonverbal communications, social interactions, and leisure or play activities.

What causes autism?

There is no single known cause for autism. However, it is generally agreed that it is caused by abnormalities in brain structure or function. Brain scans have shown differences in the shape and structure of the brain in children with autism when compared to those without the condition. Researchers are investigating a number of theories, including a link between heredity, genetics, and birth-related medical problems. Psychological factors are not believed to be the cause of autism.

How is autism treated?

Experts agree that early intervention is important in addressing the symptoms associated with autism. Most professionals also agree that individuals with autism respond well to highly structured, specialized education programs that are designed to meet the individual's particular needs. In any treatment plan, it is important for family members and treatment providers to address areas of social skill development, communication, behavior, and sensory integration.

if you want to help, there are a few different kind of autism products,unfortunately i cant find them. well i found the bracelets but im not sure if the money goes to help it or not. i will find out and post a link though when i do!!

love ya

ive been tagged....

ok my lovely misguided fool has burdened me with the hardest post yet. i have to pick a song that like explains me and my life. this was very hard to do. ive thought about it since saturday and couldnt come up with one. so i chose a few, each being a different part of life.lol
so here goes.

Christina Aguilera - I'm Ok Lyrics Once upon a time there was a girl
In her early years she had to learn
How to grow up living in a war that she called home
Never know just where to turn for shelter from the storm
Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face
Everytime my father's fist would put her in her place
Hearing all the yelling I would cry up in my room
Hoping it would be over soon
Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday
And I'm OK
I often wonder why I carry all this guilt
When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built
Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door
The echo of a broken child screaming "please no more"
Daddy, don't you understand the damage you have done
To you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on
Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so, so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday
It's not so easy to forget
All the lines you left along her neck
When I was thrown against cold stairs
And every day I'm afraid to come home
In fear of what I might see there
Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday
And I'm OK
I'm OK

this song i chose for my early childhood to teenage years. for obvious reasons of course.
this next song i chose for how i am now. youll probably get a kick out of it,bc it is just me. well the song is someone elses profile of me..you know what i mean.

Billy Joel - She's Always A Woman To Me

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child, but she's always a woman to me
She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth, but she'll never believe
And she'll take what you give her as long it's free
Yeah, She steals like a thief, but she's always a woman to me

Ohhh... she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants, she's ahead of her time
Ohhh... and she never gives out
And she never gives in, she just changes her mind
And she'll promise you more than the garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding
But she?ll bring out the best and the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me

She's frequently kind and she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases, she's nobody's fool
And she can't be convicted, she's earned her degree
And the most she will do is throw shadows at you,
But she's always a woman to me

thats the best i could come up with. maybe ill do another one if i can think of something better.

now i get to tag 3 peeps. yayyyy!! i choose:

boabahn sith
the queen
and cowboy joe

have fun!!

yea..im home

ok so im now. i know i havent been missed cuz i still blogged. but today i will be by to see all of you.

i took my sissy yesterday to see the old nanny. and for someone who didnt wanna go, she had fun. they exchanged numbers and everyone was happy. then off to the zoo. omg. ive never been so damn scared in my whole life. my friend gio drove us there. it was in bronx,ny ok nyc is full of crazy enough drivers. put gio, a very large bridge(im so scared of bridges) and ny drivers together and you get me having a fucking heart attack. she did 90 no joking, down the bridge. i thought i was gonna die. i had my seatbelt on. i never wear my seatbelt. anyway, we made it there alive, and saw all the pretty animals. they had camel rides. that was funny as hell. 3 1/2 hours later my ass was dragging, i was ready to go. so we left and i kept my eyes closed cuz i was scared.lol and then i went over to sissys for a bit. then went back to gios where she made me steak and potatoes.mmmmmm. and then we just sat around and watched tv. i went to bed at 11. i was exhausted.

today i was supposed to go and be with bibsy but that guy blew her off again yesterday,so they made plans today. i cried,but i said ok well ill just leave in the morning. so i stopped by her house to get some things,then i went to the dreaded exes. and his house really smells like ass.ewwww. and then i was on my way. made good time home and then went to randis and now here i am.

i just found out austin has a trip to the baltimore zoo soon. yayyyy!!! im taking the day off of work and going. i love the zoo.lol

greetings from jersey!!!

yayyyy im here. im so happy that i finally got here. but you know im all about he drama. so ,so far it has been eventful.lol and quite a bit stressful.

ok, so i left around 4pm, and i was making god time. until i tried to get onhe bridge that goes from delawae to jersey. that was a good 10 minutes. still not so bad though. then i get furtherng and m almost here making exceellent time,and bam. traffic out the ass. 3 mile back up. mother****** so you know im smoking ciggie after ciggie gettin stressed,bcwell its jersey people. thedrivers here are lethal. im not ashamed to say it. lol well dude behind me is riding my ass. hes as close to my bumper as can be without touching it. so im stressing about him and realie, im doing it to the dude in front of me. dammit. and when does austin choose to be lie "mmy i gottttttaaaa peeeeeeeee" bc he ust chugged a gatoade. fuck. so im in traffic, bumper to bumper,3 mile backup, with this motherfucker and my whiney ass kid whining. ahhhhhhhhh. and of course you know that, theres nowhere in the near future,being as i am in non moving traffic,to take this child to pee. so i am cursing, smoking and chewing the hell out of some gum.lol.finally i make it through flip off the dude on my ass, and take austin to pee.

on the road again..... so im back on the road journeying along, ive got maybe an hour left to go. damn traffic and my sissy calls. this bitch i swear. now earlier in the day called her to see if i got there early if i should swing by and pick her up. she says no she ha plans. ok cool, whatcha doin. hanging out with ex, so i made the mistake of asking if i could come. im so stupid. she goes...god are you trying to sabotage my life? i said thats really fucking nice ryan. and hung up. that really hurt m feelings. im very sensitive when it comes to my sister. sorry if my words are screwed up. ythis keyboard sucks. anyway, we get through that part, and then like i said im on the road and she calls me up, ummm what time are we gona be done doing everything you want to do tomorrow? i said i dunno why? well,bc i cant hang out with erik(the ex) bc his parents are being weird,and i was thinking maybe tomorrow. and imsitting there thinking..unfuckingbelievable. i am driving 3 hours-4 with the traffic to see her. thts the reason i came. and shes gonna ditch me? i was pissed. 16 or not thats fucking rude. then i bitched about it and she goes it would realy mean alot to me, i thought oud understand. so now im the asshole,as she hangs up on me.

whatever,so then after many more traffic from merges, i hate merges, and 35 calls to my sister,i get to my friend gios house. yayyy. i tell her take me to my sissy so i can slap the hell outof her. so i wnet to see her, i made a deal with her. and now shes stressing it. in our family we all have one thing we are psychotic about. me i have to know wha time it is at all times. if i dont have a clock near me i freak out. my sister has her life by a friggin schedule. shes asking me all these times and specifics for today and i have no damn clue. ad shes freaking the fuck out. and im trying to make her my friend and dddy all hapy and i am getting way stressed out. meanwhile austins going i wanna go to my daddys,over and over. i had to fucking leave.

but now ithout some kind words from daddy first. he wanted to take me sissyand brother and gio to this place called hose tejas. i was all about it,but gio didnt wanna go. ok so whatever, i call him and that we arent gonna go, and he starts getting all crazed andi had to hear about how i live a mixed up crazy life. god how did i ever survive this fucking family. sighhhhh

s today im going to the bronx zoo.yayyyyy,after i get some bagels and pick up my miserable sister its off to nyc. ive never been to a real zoo so im psyched. my sissy doesnt wanna go,but out of the 20 options i gave her, she didnt want to d any of it. so zoo it is. i may as well have fun. shes expecting to be home by 6pm. well see, and i swear if she throws a fit im gonna knock her out. mmm i gotta have some cheescake while i am there.yumm. at least ill be walking the zoo. so ill be sorta burning calories.haha

oo and guess what, gio and my sissy said im getting skinny. i love the bowflex. i dont care what anyone says.lol

love ya

sorry guys....

sorry but i dont have a whole lot of time to post,being as i leave for jersey tomorrow. but real quick here is a brief summary of my day

yesterday, i was vaccuming up the mess the old hamster made(i gave him to randi) and i moved the bookshelf it was on and guess what i found? a little crab. now I KNOW i flushed both of those fuckers. so where the hell did he come from you ask? got me.lol

today i was on break at lunch and i saw how all the cars had those little magnets saying support the troops. well i dont have one on my car. yes i support the troops,but i dont support why they are there. so to put one on my car, i would be a liar. and you know how i hate that. well then josh(hot boy) gave me his. he said someone stuck it on his car. and guess what it says....keep my soldier safe!!! so i now have one on my car!! yayyyy and im not a hypocrite!!

a different bitch at work pissed me off today. i was on the phone for 2 minutes and 12 seconds when she came up to me all bitchy like and says "is this an emergency?" so i hung up and was really pissed at her.bc she answers her phone every fucking 10 minutes when it rings, and HERS arent emergencys. but shes the supervisor of the department. supposedely, i was ready to slap the shit out of her. now whats the fucking difference between everyone standing around shooting the shit and doing nothing, and me actually working and being on the phone? yea she hates me. so i told her that when she was dying her hair from blonde to brown,she forgot a big fucking chunk. and then i walked away. haha!! bitch. wait till jim calls me and im on the phone and she asks, im gonna say " YEA IT IS BITCH!! NOW BACK THE FUCK OFF!!" say i wont and you havent read this blog very often..lol

ok i gotta go pack now!!

love you all see ya sunday night!

christ......2 more days!! thank god!!

i swear, i am soooo ready to fucking go. i have had it with these damn people.lol

so today i go to work, and i had a good day all day. well this lady that ive never spoken to. shes an old lady with a thick russian or something accent. anyway, she comes up to me and after three tries, i figured out that she said i have a very pretty face. so i said thank you. well then she starts poking my side and says but you need to lose some weight.

umm...wtf? how do you go up to someone you dont even know, and i weigh less than her thank you, and say that shit? i was so shocked. i just stared at her. bc to say anything i would have been fired. damn bitch.

sighhhh...2 more days till i see my bibsy!!hooray!!

yada yada yada....

lol i love that one seinfeld show where they explain that whole thing.

anyway, FOCUS vanessa!!lol

3 more days to jersey!!!! hooray. i cant wait to get the fuck outta here. ive been trying to think of something fun to do while im there. besides stuff my face with yummy fattening jersey food. something that will make my sissy happy. bc she is the whole reason im going. austin will be at his dads so we can go anywhere. finding a place my miserable always pmsing sister wants to go is a mission.

i was thinking wed go visit the old babysitter who is like my bestest friend. she just had a baby and rayn hasnt seen her in forever. then i figured we'd go to the movies and see guess who. nope my sissy doesnt wanna see the babysitter nor does she want to see the movie well i wanna so shes gonna go and like it. then i got over my bitch thing,and asked if she wanted to go to nyc for the day. we could go to the statue of liberty,cuz ive never been in it. i know i know, dont ask. anyway, she doesnt wanna do that either. so my short tempered self, said well what the hell DO you want to do? whatever you want vanessa. sighhh...

its hard dealing with someone as difficult as yourself!!

hope you all had a great day!!

i hate my job!!

hello all hope some of you didnt have to work on this beautiful day. unfortunately i did!! and im pretty sure im gonna knock my boss out if he catches that asshole attitude with me one more fucking time. now ive been good,but im running out of the patience i already have so little of.

dumb motherfucker. he does it again and i fucking quit!! i can can paid shit at some other job.


this concludes my blog entry today!! hope everyone elses day was better!!

4 more days till jersey!!!!!!

lmmfao....its mean of me,but its funny as hell

ok, so i never said i was the best friend in the world.lol but heres a funny story i forgot to tell yesterday. on friday night my friend randi decided she was gonna blow me off and go to the bar. fine,whatever, i threw my fit and i left her house. now i live in hillbilly land,filled with druggies and even more cops than the city with lots of free time. well this bar she goes to is skanky, and boring and just eww.(makes me miss jersey even more) i reppeatedly give this girl advice in everything. she never listens and i always end up having to say, you should have listened to me,cuz im always right. never fails. even after all 30 times,she still doesnt listen. i tried to talk her out of going. at lleast not there,but she went.

now randi is my insanely pot addicted friend. shes as flaky as they come,and when she drinks,AND smokes,shes even worse. lol. well saturday morning i wake up to see i have a voice mail on my phone. i check and see that the last call was from her. so i listen to the voicemail....hehehehe....she got arrested. lmmfao. i know i sound mean but heres the story:

so shes at the skanky bar, when some guy offers to smoke with her. so they go in her car, its about 1 30am. the bars all close at 2am here. so the cops are out and ready...hehehehe. anyway, so this dude and her are in her car and he hands her a roach. so she lights it, hits it,and gives it to him. he then tells her nah..i dont smoke. that shouldve been her first damn clue. well she continues on to smoke it..and a bunch of cops show up. she throws the roach outside the car and they walk up and start questioning her about the pot. they dont believe what shes saying,and dude shes with says ive been trying to get her to quit. ok first of all,dude barely knows her,second of all,he gave her the pot.

then they search her car after they put her in handcuffs and stick her in the back of the cop car. well she slid out of a handcuff,and thats when she called me. so they searched her car for about 20 minutes. meanwhile shes sitting pretty cuz theres nothing in her car. well you know cops are very thourough(not spelled right) and find a bag deep down in her center console.its probably about 2 years old. so she gets arrested, they take her to the police station. she got finger printed,and mugshots. lmao. they ended up letting her go, with a hefty fine.

now of course i took this chance to tell her "i told you that you shouldnt have gone" bc thats how i do. say im a bitch,but i dont care.lol

first of all, its a skanky sleezy bar that the cops are always at. how are you gonna go smoke in the parking lot with some shady guy you dont even know!?! dumbass.lmao

so ive been taking the opportunity to make fun of her. alot!! hehehehehe

in other news,jims a happy camper,cuz they had a big army picnin where he participated in keg stands and got plastered. idiot. glad he had fun though

another beautiful day, i am sunburnt.YAYYYYYY!!! i will be tan soon.lol

springtime rocks....

i love springtime. i love when its a beautiful day with a nice breeze,and you feel like being outside. unfortunately springtime also means lawn work. now i hate lawnwork. i hate pulling weeds, and ive never mowed grass in my life and yea.

well now all that has changed. i now have to mow,bc my lover is gone. dammit all to hell. i dont wannaaaaaaa!! so today i went outside and picked up the cigarette butts laying around in the yard from the old party days. not so much fun. and i live on the end of a cul de sac so on windy days i get everyones damn trash. so i picked all that shit up too. while picking that shit up i saw like 10 jumpy spiders. i HATE spiders. then i got attacked by a thorn bush. and it hurt!! and i was cursing!!lol

then my friend randi showed up and we went to the dollar store. i bought a cheesy pinwheel that has butterflies as its ummmm..i dunno what the word is,but what makes it spin. and i got wind chimes,and some sidewalk chalk. well i got home and opened my wind chime to realize, i have nothing to hang it on. dumbass!! so i pushed my pinwheel in the ground. jims gonna hate it!!i cant wait.lol and then erik, jims best friend, came over to teach me about the lawn mower. yea, its still not done. good thing i dont have a lot of grass,so i dont have to worry about it for awhile.lol

then we all had a big sidewalk chalk adventure. lmao. my whole driveway is covered in sidewalk chalk. with pictures from names to butterflies and somehow a few dirty ones got in there which i had to smudge.lmao. damn erik and his dirty mind.lol

hope wherever you are, its a beautiful day!!

sorry..

sorry i havent been here. blogger would not let me post. and it wasnt letting me leave comments either. so if you havent seen it doesnt mean i havent been there. nothing else happening here in vanessa dull ass world.lol

im pretty sure....

Brian Adams - Everything I Do Lyrics

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

Look into my heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way

Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

im pretty sure this is the song for when me and jim have our first dance.this song is just beautiful and i completely feel all of it. like i was saying it myself.

sighh i miss my jimmy. only 2 months and 4 days to go,for my crappy 9 days.lol i know i know im never happy.jim tells me all the time.

blah blah blah

not much to tell today.. me and jim fought for awhile. he was tired and bitchy and that always makes for a day of fighting. lucky me. but in the end we made up woohoo.lol

then it was decided that i will go home to jersey next weekend(yayyyyy!!!!) im so psyched. i definitely need to go home for a bit. the hillbillies are getting to me. and i need some fresh bagels,and cheese fries with gravy.mmmmm i can feel the fat going to my ass.lol good thing i got the bowflex.

and thats it. love yall

Leo - Your Love Profile


Your positive traits:

You're almost always the center of attention - and easy for potential dates to spot
Your happiness and optimism is appealing to all... and contagious!
You don't hold grudges - getting over little fights is no problem for you

Your negative traits:

You tend to ignore relationship problems, until they are too big to handle
You crave luxury, and you are disappointed with partners who can't provide you with it
If someone does you wrong, you'll coldly and cruely break their heart(thats totally me!!)

Your ideal partner:

Someone high status enough to bring you more attention - but not so great that they upstage you
Makes you laugh and brings excitement to everything you do together
Is aggressive and confident enough to butt heads with you every so often

Your dating style:

High expectations. You need to be impressed with an incredible first date for a second one to occur.

Your seduction style:

You like to make the first move - you're fearless about initiating things
Passionate. You really get into any intimate act.
Aggressive. Most of the time, you find yourself wanting sex more than your partner.

Tips for the future:
Try to not need so much attention. You'll feel less ignored, guaranteed.
Learn to love your parnter for who they are - not how they help advance your life.Let your partner shine occasionally. You don't always have to be the alpha dog.

Best color to attract mate: Gold
Best day for a date: Sunday

not alot...

not alot to say today really. i finally got some sleep. but i still feel exhausted. luckily i was exhausted last night or i wouldve heard more sounds. lol

ok yesterday, the hot boy, josh, came over to bring me the other ferret. yayyy i have 3 now. well when he showed up was wheni was on the phone with jim. so josh shows up and apparently the ferret escaped the box it was in, and he was carrying it in. so i got off the phone with jim. he was pissed,but he had shit to do anyway. awww the new ferret(sissy,not my choice. came with that name) is sooo sweet. its a girl and its only like 5 onths old. the youngest of all of mine.so i got her settled and we let them all play together to see if they could all live in the same cage. so they all got along and then we went into my room. i wanted to josh to look in the attic to ease my worries about there being a person in there.hehe. and all of a sudden he starts taking off shirts. hehehe i had to turn around cuz all of a sudden tan hard big muscles were in front of me. i bout knocked randi(who showed up 10 minutes after josh) over watching the stripshow.lol he climbed up in the attic and looked around. well then he was ready to come back down but couldnt reach the chair. so there he was holding on to the ceiling thing, muscles all hard and tight like,omg!! me and randi just sat there and stared. probably drooling.lol

anyway,later on i talked to jim and he was being a smart ass and i told him how i called a half hour after i got off the phone with him. he said it was a quickie huh? fucker. hes so dumb. so to avoid the fight i really wanted to have i changed the subject. we started talking about when we get married. heres our conversation

me: so i was thinking. i already have just about all the details of the wedding planned,but i figured id ask you for your opinion on a few things. what time of year, like what season do you wanna get married in?

dumbass: theres different seasons?

me: yes dumbass, you know this. sighhh

dumbass: why i gotta be a dumbass?

me: (loud sigh) jim c' mon. im being serious. what time of year?

dumbass: asap.

me: awww really?

<3 jim<3: yup

me: ok thats cool. yay!!do you have any ideas for our first dance as husband and wife song?

dumbass: you mean i have to dance with you?(whining)

me:duh jim. havent you ever been to a wedding?

dumbass: no

me:yes jim we have to have a slow dance together,and then with our parent.

dumbass: ohhhhh i dont know how

me: dont you lie to me. i know you went to prom with a girl. and i know she made you dance to at least one slow song

dumbass: and i hated it the whole time

me: tough shit!! your gonna dance with me and like it!! so can you think of a song?

dumbass:you know im no good with song titles

me: well then sing it

super dumbass: i wish i was an oscar meyer weiner.....

me: ok forget it jim

dumbass: what!?! you told me to sing..

i swear. last time i ever ask for an opinion. lol loser

hope everyone had a good day

such a wimp....

omg im such a big baby. so last night it was storming its ass off. pouring down rain, windy as hell. well finally around 3am, i decided to get in my bed and try to sleep. now i can deal with the raindrops, i can deal with the wind. but there i was laying in my bed ready for a blissful quiet sleep,and i kept hearing this crashing sound. like someone was in my house. now you all know i am like deathly afraid of the damn dark. so to hear crashing too!! i bout pissed myself. so im trying to lay in bed and ignore it. and it just keeps getting louder and louder. so i turn my fan off. lol i have it on all year long. anyway, i turned it off and im laying there just listening. and it sounded like someone was just walking around in my attic. like creaking sounds and footsteps and all this shit. i was freaking the fuck out. i peeked in my closet(my one true moment of braveness) and see the attic light is on. i called up randi(she had my child) and asked if i could come sleep at her house. she said yea thats cool while she was laughing at me. asshole.lol. and come to realize, my damn keys are in my bathroom for some reason,and my glasses are in my room too. fuck. well i found a spare set of keys, and i ran up to get my glasses at lightning speed. running down the stairs. hitting my elbow on every corner going down. that shit hurt. lol and then drove through the fucking downpour and 6 small rivers till i got to randis house. where it took me about 30 minutes to calm my heart and go to sleep. i didnt sleep very good. and when i woke up, the big ass fluffy cat was sleeping with me. now im allergic to cats so this was no good.

now im tired as hell and my throats all big and sore from the damn cat. sighhh... i wish my lover was here. i hate not feeling safe

ok here goes...

s twos i stole from two people. pep and my misguided fool. im gonna do pepes first cuz i said id do it like 3 days ago.lol

Accent: i still got a little bit of a jersey accent. although it is slowly and against my will,being taken over by a pa/md one that i dont like. my friends in jersey call me the jersey hick. grrrr...
Bra size: good god, i dont even know anymore.its up there though
Chore I hate: Every chore
Dad's name: kurt
Essential make-up: if i actually do it,eyeshadow,eyeliner and mascara
perfume: damn, i wear a different one every day. so i shall list them all.lol
clinique: happy and happy heart
calvin klein: escape,eternity,eternity moment
estee lauder: beyond paradise,pleasures intense
jlo: glow and still
ralph lauren:blue
the paris hilton perfume
curve
tommy girl
abercrombie and fitch
coolwater for women
and i have the addidas one too
Gold or Silver: Silver or platinum
Hometown: wayne,nj
Interesting fact: I am left handed, but do most things with my right bc they made me in school
title: BITCH!!
Kids: 1 and there will be NO MORE
Living arrangements: here in jimmys house,all alone :(
Mom's Birthplace: upper darby pa
Number of apples eaten in last week: none. i dont like to eat apples
Overnight hospital stays: when i gave birth and i tried to fight them on it. i didnt wanna stay
Phobia: so many. spiders, bridges and tunnels are the worst
Question you ask yourself a lot: are you fucking kidding me?
Religious affiliation: bleh
Siblings: my bibsy and my bro nicky
Time I wake up: 6am during the week and 7-8 on the weekend
Unnatural hair color: when i die my hair its chocolate cherry. but i stopped that. now my unnatural color is gray dammit. im only 24!!
Vegetable I refuse to eat: ewwwww brussell sprouts. that shits nasty.
Worst habit: cursing
X-rays: i had like 16 done at once for my knees spine and feet. then one on my finger,i got caught in a cardboard baler. think thats it
Yummy food I make: chicken cutlets
Zodiac sign: if you knew anything about zodiak signs,youd know that i am a leo!!!

ok this next ones a little harder. cuz i am having a dumb moment. so im gonna use to people. and heres the fun part. i want to see if any of you can figure out who the two are. maybe ill find a special prize. NO CHEATING!!

"Choose a band/artist and answer these questions only in song titles by that band/artist"

Are you male or female: uptown girl
Describe yourself: more than a woman
How do some people feel about you: bigshot
How do you feel about yourself: piano man
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: the one i gave my heart to
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: just the way you are
Describe where you want to be: New york state of mind
Describe what you want to be: dont know what to tell ya(its really a song name)
Describe how you live: only the good die young
Describe your current mood: hot like fire
Describe how you love: i care for you
Share a few words of wisdom: rock the boat

lol, there is more of one artist then the other. but i wanna see if anyone can guess them both.

ok i must go. i am getting a new ferret today and i must prepare for it!!

craziness i tell ya..

hello all my blog friends. seems ive lost a few lately. hmmm... anyway,its been crazy here.

i finally got my car fixed. it cost me like $562. well it would have anyway. :) but my grumpy stepfather paid it and then proceeded to tell me i am cut off till 2007.lol. whatever. then he lectured me some more. all i heard was blah blah blah. until he called jim a bum and said he should be supporting me. 1st of all: we are not married. 2: i dont wanna be supported. 3: he doesnt pay a whole lot in the army anyway until he goes to iraq. and 4: your a rich motherfucker. stop being stingy and just fucking pay it. its not like it hurts you you greedy bastard. sorry. im better now.

anyway, the car took longer than we all thought and i didnt get home till like 7pm. now i have a routine. and when it gets fucked up i get crazy. and it was seriously fucked up[ yesterday. so between the car waiting, daddy drama bad day at work,and setting up my friend with the hot boy drama. i didnt even feel like posting. but here i am today!!

jims such a dick.lol i was bitching(as usual) about how much i hate being away from him. and he was crabby from the army bullshit,so he was bitching too. and i decided to be smart and say doesnt it just make you wanna reenlist when you get home? figuring hed say no. dont you know that bastard said maybe 3 more years.
WHAT!?! are you fucking kidding me? im not dealing with this bullshit anymore. and he only gets a bonus of $8000 for doing it. FUCK THAT!!!!! then hes like maybe 6 years. thats a bonus of $15,000. this was me %$#@^$@!!!!!!! this thing is all blue. i dunno if its a link,but dont hit it.lol i was flipping out. I AM NOT DOING THIS SHIT AGAIN.aint no fucking way. i swear he says it just so ill get all crazy. but whatever. you may think i am an asshole, but i dont care. call me selfish. damn right i am. when he gets home well have been together for 5 years. hell have been gone for 2 1/2 of those. when he gets home hes only guarenteed 3 years of no overseas. that leaves 3 other years open. nope. i wont do it

anyway, today is a beautiful day outside. about 62 degrees,sunny happy day. at about 2pm they asked me if i wanted to go home early from work. i said damn right i do!!! and then they were like well you wont be able to qualify for employee of the month then. i said i dont give a damn. its a nice day. i wanna go frollick before the damn rain sets in.lol so here i am frollicking. lmao

hope everyone had a great day!!

off to frollick....