hello boys and girls

ok so i got an email from jim this morning. and i just got another so hopefully we will be instant emailing.lol he said that the internet service cut out on him that it does that all the time. so phew..lol

not much else going on. damn that katrina was a bitch. i hope everyone from around that area is ok and you friends too!! and lets all send prayers out to the very very many who have lost everything.

im glad jim wasnt still in mississippi. although i dont think the other option is all that better. but where he was in training there got hit. bad.

sighh

awww poor baby

so i got an email from my lover. havent gotten one since that last one that pissed me off. and i hadnt sent another since i sent one back from that either. i was so pissed off from it that i didnt want to respond. bc i couldnt have answered without being a total cunt. this is what he sent me:

whats up love i havent heard from you in a while you must have bin busy
this weekend usually you email me evryday im still a live love just
wanted to tell you allright love email me when you get a chance talk to
you lter i should be on again before i go to sleep

so theni felt guilty. bc i havent written him any letters either. he wasnt feeling the love. its almost like he was sad kinda. my poor baby. so i sent him a email and explained what happened. and we sent them back and forth for a bit. and then he dissapeared which is strange bc usually he will say he has to go first. hmm i hope hes ok.

grrrr

my hand is still fucking green. damn grass

now..for the sober post

lmao at my drunk post. just so you know i was lucky and did not throw up. it was damn close though. i had half of my body hanging off the bed for the effect that i was still standing. seemed to have worked. woke up today feeling a bit rough. i had a good time though. it seems that im going to become an alchie again though. but hey whatever works. makes me semi happy while jims away i guess. weird though that once he comes home i wont wanna drink anymore and thats all hes gonna want to do. but oh well we'll worry about that when the time happens.

i sang my ass off for kareoke last night. we got there at about 9 30. still early but not bad. this bitch that me and randi hate was there. the funny part of it was that this girl was the reason me and randi became friends. but she was such a cunt. just a miserable busybody kinda person that puts everyone down and brings you down too. so we both got rid of her. and me and randi stayed friends. well she didnt like us being there so she left. good..cuz she was sitting at my table! bitch. anyway...so i sang a bunch of songs.lol probably not too well as i was very trashed. i sang pieces of me(which made me hoarse..lol) i sang ironic by alanis morissette i sang let er rip by the dixie chicks redneck woman by gretchen wilson stay by lisa loeb and a thousand miles by vanessa carlton. there wasnt alot of people there so i got to sing alot. and i shook my ass all night long.lol

today i had to cut the damn grass. i shouldve done it last night when i got home from work. but nooo i put it off till today. and it rained a bit. me and the lawnmower had a fight. it won. i now have a green hand. no matter how much i scrub it wont come off. took me forever to get the fucking grass cut bc i had to keep unclogging the grass out of the fucker.

moral of the story: dont put off the grass till the last minute. especially dont cut it when its wet

hehehe

ok so it is almost 3am and i just got home from the bar and i am obliterated. which you will see in my typing shortly. i went to work today and it was country day of course. it was the longest fucking day ever. it fel;t like 2 years went by. but anyway, so it seemed as though the radio was giving me a siogn sauying to go out and drink tonight. i heard a wehole lot of drinking songs. one was about allllchohlllll. lol and anotyher was something about gvining the men whiskey and the horses beer. then there was the one shot of jose cuervo song and then there was the drinking bones connected to the party bone. and some of them were repeated. so yea i am smashed. alaskan iced teas will do that to you.lmao. ok im gonna try to go to bed and hope for a non spinning night although i doinnt think thats in the cards.lol

and the hits keep coming..

well yesterday sucked ass. i woke up and was extremely happy bc i finally heard from jim! yayy!! it wasnt a very good email though. just said that he was ok and they were very busy and the email was down alot. but i was glad to hear from him anyway. then i went outside to get my car ready before kim got here. and my rim was touching the driveway! fuck me! so me being delusional and not wanting to have to be in work late, decided i was gonna fill it up with air and it would be ok. as i was doing so kim pulled up. and was laughing.lol so i filled the bitch up and i could hear a sssssssssss sound. fuck me again. so then me and kim tried really hard to figure out how to put the donut on. an hour later and covered in black shit we got it. so then i had to drive to a garage to see if they could plug it bc the donut was not my friend. i get there and they say $7 plus tax. goddamn. i only got 5. i went to another one and it was 6 there. banks arent open yet. sighhh. so i haul ass(kinda) to grammas and beg for money. she gives me all the change from the bottom of her purse..and a few special other treats such as mints, gum wrappers.lol so then i go back they fix it and off to work i go where i arrive 2 hours late. i should have just crawled back into bed seeing as it was the worst fucking day ever.


then i come home to another email from jim where he starts out saying " love i dont seem to think you understand the fact that im very busy" and me being in an incredibly shitty mood already i was pissed/hurt by that. i know damn well hes busy. sorry i missed you and hated not hearing from you. whatever

sighhhh

have i mentioned how id like to kill bush? no..ok well i would!

i...dont.. sighhh

ok so first i must say still nothing from my lover. 15 days now. sighhhh

ok so today im gonna post about my friend. my bestest guy friend. his name is chris. ive known chris for about 6 years now. a little longer. me and him lost each other a few times but it never mattered it was always the same. he and i dated for awhile wayy back when i first moved to pa, but i broke up with him bc to me he was more like a brother. and we all know you cant screw your brother.lol then he met a real cunt and wasnt allowed to be my friend. only when he snuck around and did it. finally he got rid of her and weve been friends ever since. he cries to me about life and i cry to him. a great friendship. love it

i havent seen a whole lot of chris lately. hes got a new bitch and hes not allowed again to hang out with me. bitches dont like me bc of the fact that me and chris are soo close. they dont even have to know about me and him kinda dating to feel threatened. i kinda think its really funny..except when i cant see him. i miss him. and me and this new girl havent met. and i dont want to meet her either. i know if i do we wont get along and that will make it a little harder for us to be friends. which sucks. damn bitches. god... anyway. so yesterday he calls me up and tells me he is now living closer to me. yayyyy. he was near philly which is about an hour from me. so i ask where he lives and he tells me he cant tell me. wtf? what do you mean you cant tell me. wellll jen... are you fucking kidding me. what is this bullshit all over again. and then he tried to do the well what if jim had a friend.blah blah blah. and i said if i knew that they were friends forever BEFORE i met them, no big deal. and hes like well shes different. of course she is. so im thinking shes just a temporary bitch when he drops a bomb. shes pregnant. fuck. now he doesnt have very good luck with these bitches and their babies. last one was a psycho. and it took forever for him to let go of her. and now hes paying for it. this girl sounds pretty much the same. so im like awwww chrisss and then he goes wait theres more. of course there is

apparently they are getting married in october. this breaks my heart. i know it sounds awful but theyve only known each other for not even 8 months. i know they are getting married bc of the baby thing. i dont think he should do it. and i know once he does that that is the end of me and him. she will have him all kinds of whipped and shit and ill never see or hear from him again. and i hate knowing that. he swears nothing will change but i know better. as it is now im not aloowed to show up to his house if shes there and i have to call when she isnt there either. i know it sounds shady like we are screwing or something,but we arent. i couldnt even kiss him back in the day and screwing him..ewww.

i know i sound selfish and all..but how would you feel if you knew everything was gonna change and not for the good. besides the me and him thing.. i really dont think this girl is good for him.

dont worry itll get....worse

ive decided i am cursed with bad luck. bc as far back as i can remember i have never had a whole lot of good things happen to me. iknow alot of people say life is what you make it. thats only half true.bc tons of shit happens to me that i dont really cause.

so yesterday i was completely unmotivated. i was supposed to do all sorts of shit. but i didnt feel like it. i didnt actually get out of my bed until about 3pm to start the day.lol lazy!! anyway, jims mom called at that time asking if i had money for her. now ive been doing good with giving her money for being here. considering i get paid shit. my car insurance is a small fortune, my health insurance for me and austin is another small fortune and friggin gas is killing me. now there is school shopping to do. i am doing the best i can. ive been doing my mary poppins cleaning that she wants me to do. i have been mowing the fucking grass(well i was but i think i broke it bc i cant get the pully thing to pull. its jammed or something.) you know and im working on getting yet another job. so anyway, she calls and tells me its time to move out...again. are we gonna do this shit every two months? i really wish jim was here. she said she cant take all of this. having to do the bills and i dunno what else but im assuming you know worrying about jim and stuff. hellooo? if anyones got it bad its me. by the time im done im gonna have like 8 jobs, no man. ok i understand its her son but he my lover..you know. so im not saying im worse off about that then she is. but hey..im fucking sad too. i worry too. I LOVE HIM TOO!! im doing the best i can and shes just not trying to hear it.so.. i dunno. so after that fun chat where i was ready to cry,but im just tired of crying, i go downstairs and i go to feed the fishies. yea..thees one doing flips and shit in there. dammit i hate dead fish. and it wasnt just any fish. it was the fish i bought for jim before he left to go away last time. like right when we first got together.im sure it died of old age but..damn. i teared up. and then i was like.. ive fucking had it. tonight i will get trashed!!

so i dropped austin off at his sleepover party thing and i went out and i was fucking trashed. i got up on chairs and danced, i sang kareoke, i danced with people i dont know. and i drank like my dead fish.lol and it felt damn good!! i was pissed when it wqas 2am and time to close the bar. i ran into one of jims friends there and he started talking about jim being in iraq and i was dude..i came here to forget..sshhhhhh. and i walked away.lol then i went to wawa to get some sober up food so i could drive home. and ran into these other people that i dont like. so as i was ignoring them randi got up and started writing her name on windows on the building. sounds so immature but it was fun.my name was on every window.lol. then i drove my ass home and poured myself into bed at about 3am. lots of fun.lol

still no word from my love. i hope hes ok.

and whats with this spam comments bullshit?

stolen from dom

hello all. im feeling ok for this very moment. i know i stress some of you out when i get all funky. but you know i wouldnt ever do anything dumb no matter how hard i thought about it. i love you all for your kind words and thoughts from the last few days!!

funny story real quick. so yesterday during my meltdown i called my gramma and asked if austin could stay over bc i was very moody. so after i drove him there i went to randis so i didnt sit here and wait for the email ALL night. which never came. anyway, so i was there and i was going ot the bathroom to gewt some tylenol for my head, and as im hauling as so as not to miss any of the movie that was on i run right into a solid wood shelf that wasnt there a few days ago. cracked my kneecap right into it. whoever made her house is a moron bc they didnt put any light switches till the end of the hallway. so its black the whole way down. fuckers. so my knee really hurts. alot!! lol

anyway, so i stole this from doms. havent done one in awhile.

1.When was the last time you said something nice to someone?

just now

2.What was it you said?

I love you

3.How did you feel when/after you’d said it?

kinda sad. i said it to my sister and i miss her alot

4.When was the last time you said something horrible to someone?

its hard to say. depends on what horrible is. i guess last night

5.What was it you said?

i told randis kid i was gonna whoop her ass if she didnt stop popping off at the mouth and acting like she was the parent(randi has no control over her 5 yr old)

6.How did you feel when/after you’d said it?

good. bc she shut up and stopped being a little pain in the ass

7.Do you regret saying it?

hell no. that child is bad need of discipline

8.When did you last feel really alone?

all week

9.Who/what pulled you out of feeling that way?

noone yet

10.When did you last make a significant change to your life?

not anytime recently. i got a new job

11.Why did you make that change?

umm got fired from the other job.lol

12.If you could go on holiday tomorrow, where would you go?

jamaica. i love it there

13.Who would you go with, if anyone?

well i guess i cant take my lover sooo i pickk my friend melissa in nj

14.If life wasn’t so complicated, what would be your ideal situation right now?

me and my lover still in bed, having a whole day of fun to look forward too

15.What would make you happy right now?

jim being home

16.What would make you sad right now?

either a call saying jim was killed or a call saying jim didnt want to be with me anymore. that he didnt love me

17.If you could do one special thing today, without complications, what would you do?

go to nj get my sister and go to great adventure. weve been talking about it all summer but i cant take her bc i have no money and my car is shit

18.If you knew you had just 24 hours left to live, describe your perfect day?

first that would really suck. bc my perfect day would involve jim. but i guess second perfect day, would be to go to nj and spend time with my friends my sister and just cramming a whole lot of fun into that time

19.If you could have anything to eat right now, describe what it would be?

mmmmm a cherry cheesecake from nyc. they are only good if you get them at the right place

20.Which chef would you have cook it?

ummmmmmm

21.What is your worst personal habit?

biting on my fingers when im stressed anxious nervous or scared.

22.What is your best trait?

loving

23.How would you describe your personality?

lol thats an interesting one. i am a fun goofy person with a side of sarcasm and attitude

24.If you could see anyone in concert, of any era, who would you like to see that you haven't seen before?

billy joel

25.If you could buy any painting…?

i dont really care for art

26.If you could do one thing to improve the world, what would it be?

make better benefits for single low income mothers. bc the ones now suck. especially in md

27.If you weren’t here tomorrow, how do you think you would be remembered?

complicated but very loving

28.How would you like to be remembered?

as a person who cares alot for the people she loves

ok there you go. feel free to steal it

please make it stop i cant take anymore

where are you baby?




*edit*

god i cant take this. im am such a fucking mess. i cant stand myself. if im not emotional and crying im pissed like i lost a huge amount of money or something like that tthat would make you mad. now i know its not all about me and stuff, and i know hes busy but im dying here and i get nothing to ease the pain. not hearing from him in any kind of way is gonna be the death of me. i thought i was stronger than this. but it seems that im not. why cant i do this? why cant i be strong for the man i love and want to spend my l;ife with? why is this ripping me apart and why am i so angry? i cant take feeling this way. i hate it. ive never been this way before. not when he was gone last time, not ever. and ive dealt with way worse stuff than this before. even before jim. so why am i such a pussy falling apart?

please somebody help me before it gets worse. i dont wanna be this anymore

feeling ugly

im not really sure whats wrong with me lately. pms has been here and gone. i dont know if its bc im lonely or bc i havent heard from jim in 10 days now or wtf it is. but i hate it. im ok all day long until i come home from my shitty job. but i just feel so ugly and fat and just a waste of a girl. i know you guys probably cant relate but i know you girls can. im so depressed lately. i dont even really know how to explain it. i look in myself in the mirror everyday and think of all the things about me that iw anna change. and when i get done with my list..im not even me anymore. theres only two qualities about me that i really like,but if i could change them id change them too. i feel ucky for lack of a better term and i feel like even if i lose all this weight that i wanna lose(which is gonna take a long ass time) that that wont even make me feel any better. ill just be able to wear slutty clothes.lol

ive been wondering if its all the things from when i grew up,if thats finally taken a toll on me. but i just dont feel noticeable. i even question why jim wants to be with me when god knows hes hot as hell and could have much more beautiful girls then me. i always wondered why he did stay with me. even when i was thin. the difference is then i didnt really care if he stayed or not. now i do. but short of going on that show the swan nothing will make me pretty. ive even asked friends before if they thought i was pretty.like guys id dated before. and they always said that it wasnt my looks but my personality that made them like me. is that just a way to say you arent much to look at but you are really cool?even jim said that my personality and that i had big tits is why he stayed.

sighhh im ready for bed.

EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

i have been scarred for life. i mean it. so i come home today to NO FUCKING EMAILS AGAIN! im trying to not cry about this and think happy thoughts but its not really working for me. but whatever. i can only whine so much about this before y'all get tired of hearing it. sighh

anyway, so i came home to that, and i got on my yahoo messenger to see that my gay friend who is like 39 yrs old was on. and that he had a webcam. so i was like oh cool i wanna see. now i have talked to many friends with those and never had a bad experience. until today. so it was saying i needed his permission and as im waiting what seemed like forever i get on my aim and tell him to give me permission. then i notice a picture so im like yayy. right? so i go to see the picture of him expecting his face. but nooooooooo. it wasnt his face. and at first i couldnt figure out what it was so i was all up in my monitor..and then it hit me. and i was like wtf? ewwwwwwwwwwww gagging and shit.lol i even sent him an im and said ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!! wtf was that. i dont know if maybe he didnt know it was me or if he did it on purpose but ewww. and the webcam was all up on his male parts. ewwww and he was touching it. i cant get it out of my mind. im gonna be sick!!!!

i tired to get him to talk to me,but he wouldnt after that.lmao!!

*shudders* hope you guys had a better day then i did!!

i hate you bush!!

still nothing. its been 8 days, which doesnt seem like a long time now that i count it. but damn im going crazy. i hate this sooo much. i hate worrying about him and wondering if hes alive. i hate itttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i keep telling myself that if something really bad happened to him that my mom would come in a dream with him to tell me. every time i drive past the cememtery i beg her to keep him safe for me. it worked last time and im hoping this time too.

i hate bush for taking my lover from me.

i want my baby home

whyyyyyyy???

so the other night i got jim a card. it said :

when you smile, it makes me smile
when you laugh , it makes me laugh
(then you open it)

now take your clothes off and lets see what happens.

lol i thought it would make him smile and think dirty thoughts of me for a second. anyway, i happened to still be really pms-y. and alot intoxicated and upset. which apparently isnt a good time to write out a card to your lover whos on the other side of the world with more pressing problems then the ones youve got. bc i went on and on about that fucking letter. but i did tell him i was intoxicated and full of hormones and to not worry about me id be fine in really big letters. so hopefully he wont get all stressed about me. i wrote another letter last night that should get there about the same time as that card telling him that i was fine now and not to worry about me. and i managed to sound much happier in the letter. so hopefully he will get them on the same day. probably not. but whatcha gonna do.

god i miss him so much its unbearable. i had a weird dream last night that iw as with him. i dunno where we were. it definitely wasnt iraq and people were shooting at us and i got hit. i didnt die or anything but i got hit.

still no emails. im sooo worried. i think i very well may go fucking crazy before this experience is over. god i hope hes ok. i dont know what id do without him. i know dont think like that...but i cant seem to not think about that when i dont hear from him.

i miss my booboo

hello boys and girls

i figured some of you may want to see what i look like. now this picture was taken back in april. before i lost my 30 lbs. im working on getting a new pic up on here so be patient.lol. anyway, im feeling a little bit better today. still kinda questioning jims love a bit but im done crying. i hate pms. lol.

today i think i may have killed my lungs. i used bleach in my toilet to try and get these blue stains off of it from those toilet cleaners that change the water pretty colors. well apparently i put too much in there. and then continued to inhale the fumes and my lungs feel like i smoked 45 packs of ciggies in one day. not good. anyway, so ive been cleaning all day, and the door bell rang. so i peek out the window and its some dude. so i was grrrr..but i opened the door anyway. now i have a winnie the pooh nightshirt on last nights makeup,which looked preety damn good for being slept in, and all my hair piled on top of my head. i open the door and the dudes like first may i tell you that you are a beautiful girl. and fake or not it made me smile. then he continued to flatter me for a minute.lol he was cute but no big deal. anyway, he was talking to me about magazines or some shit. and he had a black eye and said someone knocked him out for doing this job and i felt bad for him. now its like 96 fucking degrees out there and im sweating my ass off trying to hurry up and make him go away so i can go back inside. and hes talking about something and i said about jim being in iraq,and he goes well i guess you havent gotten laid lately. and i was like no i havent. and he goes....... well you know i can help you out with that. who does that? then continued on to tell me how pretty i am. i finally got rid of him. sighhh

i decided i had to leave the damn house last night. i was obsessing over the computer and checking my email like every 5 minutes waiting for an email that wasnt gonna come. so i went out all by myself. are you proud? i didnt have any fun but i did manage to leave the house for a few hours and get intoxicated. i then came home and passed out and had a bunch of weird dreams.lol

i miss my lover

sighhh

ok im not quite as menstrual today. but im still depressed. i didnt get an email from jim today. dammit. i hate having to guess if hes ok. this army gf shit is the pits. i dont ever want to do this again. i mean it. anyway, things about the letter that bother me are:

1. he talks about getting engaged and in the picture we are married both with rings. but now he doesnt know if he ever wants to get married ever.

2. in the picture there is a baby in a stroller obviously ours..now he doesnt ever want kids. which is ok by me bc i dont want anymore. but why the change?

why do i feel like he doesnt love me as much as he used to? i dont like it. i dont like it at all. dammit crying again. i give up

sniff sniff

yes so i was feeling down yesterday, i was mopey and sad and missing jim. so what do i do to make it better? well i didnt do it on purpose,but i found my "jim" box. with all different stuff that jims taken me to or you know that kind of crap. there was ticket stubs from movies. i think one was blade 2 and the other was ice age.(the rest are in a photo album, but i do have all of them.hehe) there was a set of matches from the econolodge from when i came up to see him before he was shipped off to bosnia last time. our last weekend together. i think theres a pencil or pen in there too. our map from when we went to great adventure. all kinds of shit from when we went to the inn at the dove which is a really lovers kind of hotel for our second to last weekend before he went to bosnia. a drawing of me and him from either dorney park or great adventure i cant remember which. a swirly straw, envelopes from xmas gift certificates, balloons from bdays, a license plate i had made that said jim and vanessa and was on my car for a long time until i wrecked it.lol. pictures of bosnia. a map thing from when we went to the baltimore aquarium, a wipey from hooters, a credit card from espn zone. haha nudie pictures of jim playing in bubbles.(dont pick on him i made him do it.lol) and all of the letters(all 9 of them) that he wrote me while he was away in bosnia. and i found one and i read it and i cried for the next two hours. im not sure if i cried bc it was so sweet, or bc you can kinda see how much things have changed. only my longtime readers will catch this bc i dont have it in me to explain it today. so i decided to post the letter. some of you will be confused as to why im so sad. and for you i will explain tomorrow. but the main readers will get it. so here goes..oh wait i forgot to tell you this was supposed to be my card for our 1 year anniversary. there are some drawings in it which i cant show but i will explain them.lol


(its all folded up and says: open carefully my love, I LOVE YOU)

(inside):

11nov02

I Love You baby!! i dont know when this is going to get to you hopefully it gets to you on the 16 or the 18. i love you so much i cant believe we have been together for ayear already it was a very fast year. Hopefully next year at this time we are much further along in our relationship that would really be good. we will be living together and hopefully engaged.

(picture: its little stick figures of me and him. we each have rings on our fingers. next to us is an equals sign and then it says love. then another equals sign and a huge house and then another equals sign and a baby in a stroller)

you said you wanted a card hopefully this will do im no artist or writer. I LOVE YOU!! i miss you and cant wait to get out of here to be with you forever. i should have plenty of money when i get home to get us a house and then we can get our life started together. by the way thats a great picture aint it? i really tried its my third copy the other pictures were very bad. did i tell you that i love you? i really really do!!

talk to you late

love jim

god im crying again

feeling down

now let me say first off...if you are gonna be critical or lecture me....DO NOT READ THIS POST!!! bc i dont wanna hear it.

ok so yesterday was a rough "jims not here" kind of day. now i know i have my ups and downs. and some days it doesnt bother me bc i am in denial and pretend hes somewhere else not far away and dangerous. but some days i see something on tv and its all lovey and shit and im like waaaaaaaa.lol that was yesterday. i came home and no email. so i was sad bc in the one i got on sunday or monday or whatever day that was, he made it sound like id be hearing from him the next day. i havent heard from him since that last one. so i was really dissapointed when i came home and there was nothing. then i started missing him really bad. then i watched charmed and it was all lovey and then i was crying and it wouldnt stop.lol i tried to be happier today..and was good till i got home to another no email day.

he told me hes been either working sleeping or at the gym. is it so hard to not go to the gym for as long just to pop in and say hi im alive? sighhhh.

i miss my baby

a little something for my gay friends..

Homophobia is wrong

"I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I
wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love."

repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong

and i got another one for you.....


‹‹‹‹A religion teacher assigned her class an essay on what makes a good Christian. One student wrote about praying nightly, say no to abortion, banning gay marriage, and donating money. The other student wrote about talking to God and allowing people to enjoy their lives, and supporting gay marriage.
The day the teacher was to hand the papers back, she called up the second student and told him she would pray for him when he went to hell. The student asked why would he be going to hell, and why he got an F on his paper. The teacher told him that Catholicism is against gay marriage. The student looked at her for a minute, then said aloud, "I'm gay." The teacher kicked him out of class as if he had said fuck or worshipped Satan.

A girl in the back of class who had a boyfriend and was obviously straight got up and left too.

* If you would leave the classroom, repost this. It doesn't matter if you're straight, bi, or gay. It doesn't matter if you're Catholic or not. Everyone is a human being and deserves happiness. *

if only you were here...

what a dissapointment. i swear. this weekend really sucked ass. like alot. sighhhh. so friday night i rented movies bc randi had to work on sat. i got guess who which was funny as hell. i got in good company which sucked ass. the pacifier which was ok. and the notebook and sweet november which are two of my favorites. so i cried a whole lot. oh i cant even talk about it.lol

then yesterday i was like blah bc i stayed up until 4 30am and then got back up at 10. did nothing really all day. then it came time to take austin to grannies. so i took him and then i went to randis where i sat and drank for awhile..yippee. and then we went to nickies where we did the same..can you feel my excitement yet? and then we went to the towns skeezy bar walked in and then i walked out. woohooo. then randi tried to make me go into this other skeezy bar..and i sat in the car. she was pissed but i didnt wanna go there in the first damn place. i dont like bars. i like the club scene. and thats what i wanted to do this weekend. not go to the local skeezebar full of toothless alchies.

if jim was here we would have rented a car and gone to the hardware bar and had a fucking blast. i miss him soooo much. im gonna go write him a letter since he doesnt seem to be able to do the email thing right now

a word of thanks

thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers. that means alot to me. still no word from him but i found out what commo blackout means. communication blackout which would explain why im not hearing from here. i worry about him so much over there. i know he can handle his own and all. hes been away before and survived but yesterday i read a fellow bloggers site, the one thats titled a day in iraq and he is in the same place as jim is, and from his words it sounds like it really sucks there. like alot more than i thought. my poor baby. it made me wanna cry for him. sighh cant think about that now.

tonight im gonna go find something fun to do for my bday. not sure what but ITS GONNA BE FUN DAMMIT!!!!lol

today i used a lawnmower for the first time. now i was a spoiled rich bitch through life and never had to do this before in my 25 years. so of course i wait till the hottest fucking day of the year to do it. and weed too. i got stabbed by several throny things. ate about 10 gnats and killed about 45 very large and black crickets. cursing the whole damn time. and who, you ask, was i cursing? why president bush of course. for taking my man away and leaving me the job of getting sweaty and green and muddy and ewwwwwwww.lol

have a great weekend

my love...

so ive been hearing that things arent going very well in iraq. this stresses me out. i havent heard from jim since my bday. and im just freaking the fuck out!!. god i hope hes ok. i dont know what id do without him. he is my love my life my everything. please everyone pray that he stays safe.

oh and if anyone knows what commo blackout means please let me know

and the bullshit continues....

yea so this was the worst bday ever. in all my 25(gasp) years, ive never had such a horrible fucking bday. it was awful. i cried alot. i mean alot. i was sooo depressed by 7 30 i went to bed. yup bed. but before all that my sister sent me my poem which i will post tomorrow. so i was happy. and she made me a paintshop card which was funny as hell. and then jims parents called to invite me to dinner but i had randis kid so i couldnt go. so i made some yummy rice and burnt the fuck out of it. and of course there was no other food in the whole fucking house. so no bday dinner for me. yea it blew

so you know ive been holding on to that one thread of hope that this weekend will be excellent bc we were all gonna go to the hardware bar..you know the really cool club? yea well i come home today and i hear a message on my machine and its randi telling me that erik says he told me he wasnt going that he was going to hershey. WTF? he didnt ever tell me that. it was eriks fucking idea to go to the damn club. and he was gonna be the driver. so now im going no fucking where.

happy motherfucking bday to me. i wish jim was here. itd be so much better

i know you probably think im being childish but i dont fucking care. my bday has always been a big deal to me and always will. well until i get old and cant do fun stuff anymore.

im so sad. im gonna go cry

so ungrateful...

yea so its my birthday. whoopdeefuckingdoo. im not a happy camper. i went to work today and my co worker that works with me was just miserable and bitchy all fucking day long. and you know that tends to bring me down on the one fucking day a year im supposed to be happy about life. then i came home from my shit job, eager to talk to my sissy bc she wrote me a poem. i was really excited all day to come home and hear it bc ive been asking her forever to write one for/about me. and she finally did. but shes too busy to give it to me. im not mad bc i know shes got alot going on with her friend and all. but that was a downer. i only had one message on my answering machine. another downer. but i did learn i shall be getting a card in the mail with money. yayyyy that should fund my weekend trip if it gets here on time. and then i check my email to see if jim did the one thing i asked for for my bday. and he didnt. i shouldve known better. now i KNOW i should be happy i got any message at all,but i really wanted the one i asked for. so im really sitting here and crying like an ungrateful spoiled bitch. is that awful? heres the message he sent me:


happy birhtday to you happy birhtday to you happy birhtday to you happy birhtday to vanessa happy birhtday to you we are in a commo blackout cant tell you why im lucky im able to send this message i love you and 'll talk to you later im sory i didnt do what you asked but i love you and i hope you have i nice birhtday even though im not here i love you alot talk to you larte

i know its sweet and all,but i wanted something better. im such an asshole

happy bday to me....:(

bleh

well tomorrow is my bday and i could care less. i was excited but now i just dont care. i doubt ill get any phone calls from people and i know i wont be able to talk to jim and i have nothing to do so....bleh

this will probably be the worst bday ive ever had in my life. up till now i havent had a bad one. but there is a first for everything. i know you guys are probably thinking im a whiner and shutup lol, but i dont care. my bday has always been a big deal to me. ever since i was a little kid. when i was little i remember waking up on my bday to a mountain of presents like it was xmas. and every year after that it was the same. when i worked at herr's everyone would get together and pitch in to throw me a bday party with a big cake tons of balloons and a crad signed by everybody in the plant. noone else got that. i was special. bc everyone loved me. i think ive lost my touch. lol i dunno

sighhh

today in nj,well yesterday actually yesterday, one of my sisters 16 yr old friends was murdered. MURDERED! i cant believe it. by two other 16 yr olds and an 18 yr old. wtf is wrong with kids? we didnt do that shit when i was little. its just awful!!. heres the story:

Randolph girl's body is found in trunk Police say teens tried to dump her in river Monday, August 01, 2005BY BILL SWAYZE AND MAURA McDERMOTT Star-Ledger Staff A 16-year-old Randolph girl was found brutally slain early yesterday as three teens attempted to dump her body, which was stuffed in a steamer trunk, into the Passaic River from a bridge in Secaucus, authorities said. Jonathan Zarate, an 18-year-old Randolph resident, has been charged with murder and is being held on $1 million bail, said Morris County Prosecutor Michael M. Rubbinaccio. Two other teens, a 16-year-old from Randolph and a 16-year-old from Clifton, were also taken into custody, but no charges had been filed as of late last night, Rubbinaccio said. He declined to name the victim, because she is a juvenile, although law enforcement sources identified her as a 16-year-old Randolph High School student. AdvertisementThe cause of death was determined to be multiple blows with a blunt instrument to her head and body, though there were also stab wounds, Rubbinaccio said. The slaying allegedly took place at Zarate's home on Old Brookside Road in Randolph. Early yesterday morning, Secaucus police spotted a suspicious car stopped on the Route 3 bridge over the Passaic River in Hudson County, Rubbinaccio said. When officers investigated, they found the three teens attempting to toss a steamer trunk into the river, the prosecutor said. Officers prevented the teens from dumping the trunk, and when they opened it they discovered the victim's body, Rubbinaccio said. The motive for the slaying was under investigation, he said. Susan Austin, who lives next door to Zarate on Old Brookside Road, said the Zarates had a large family party on Saturday and she heard "Happy Birthday" being sung in Spanish. Yesterday, Randolph police were investigating the disappearance of a 16-year-old girl who neighbors identified as Jennifer Parks. It was unclear whether there was a link between the disappearance of Parks and the Randolph murder investigation. Parks lives next door to Zarate. Austin said police investigating Parks' disappearance asked her if the teen had any boyfriends that her parents might not have known. She said police did not offer her any information about how Parks went missing. "It's an investigation, that's all they would say," Austin said. "My heart just went. There's nothing worse that can happen to a parent than this," Austin said of the teen's disappearance. "I'm going to offer whatever help I can give. It rips out your stomach it's so scary." Austin's 15-year-old son, Kyle Kerlin, attends school with Parks. Kerlin said Parks is a quiet girl who studies hard and enjoys reading, particularly Harry Potter books. She often swims in the above-ground pool in her backyard or jumps on a trampoline, Kerlin said. "She's kind of like the quiet type," Kerlin said. "She's a nice girl, kind." When Kerlin moved to the neighborhood more than two years ago, Parks helped him get settled at the middle school. "The first day I moved here, she showed me where the guidance office was and she let me sit next to her on the bus," Kerlin said. Old Brookside Road remained cordoned off last night by police tape, and patrol cars were parked along the typically quiet residential street.