by popular demand..

hello all!! i am fine!! no more lectures..oops i mean..yea. anyway. i am home early today as its snowing its ass off outside. noreaster or something. sux. i hate snow. anyway, in my love story posts, i had mentioned about being banned from the warehouse. this shall be the story.lol

ok back a few years,before jim, during jeff. i was a very naughty girl. i had a lot of attitude,and not much patience for men. thanks to jeff. when you hurt me, i hurt back.lol. i guess it all started with jeff. i had found out that he was cheating on me with like 4 other girls. well me and all the girls got together and confronted him.hehe. my idea. but before that, when i told the one girl,who hed been with for awhile, she went to his house and beat his ass. later at work that day,he come up to me, mad as hell, with a black eye and lots of scraches,and asked me if i had called the girl. and i gave him my best innocent look, and said no. well he cursed me out,called ME the whore, and ran over my foot with a very large and heavy cart. so i went to my boss, i was the pet bc im so damn lovable lol, and got my fake tears going and told him the story. in turn,jeff got in alot of trouble and i was very happy.

then a few months later, i was talking to this boy dusty. dusty was a pig. he was dirty, like he screwed anything, but i was infatuated with him. i didnt want to mess around with him but i wanted the attention. so this pig boy used to call me up and tell me to be his"dirty slut" while he jerked off on the phone. it was funny shit too. anyway, someone called his house one day and said they got the number off my phone or some shit like that,and he started lying about how he never gave me his number,i was a dike, i was this i was that. so i was pissed. i DO NOT lie. i hate liars. well dusty had given me a card for my birthday a few months earlier. in that card was a post it,with his name number and it said call me sometime. well i was pissed. so i made 25 copies of that card and hung them up all over the plant. immature yes, fun hell yes. well he found one eventually and came and got in my face about it. now i have a pretty bad temper. so i flipped out on him. later on when i found out the fliers didnt get to his FIANCE who also worked there, i decided to bring the card in and show her. well shes a dumb bitch and wouldnt believe me. now if some strange chick came up to me and told me my man had done the things hers did. i would so believe it. but anyway, she went to her boss and told this huge lie, saying i tried to call her outside to fight and how she was scared for her life. bullshit.

but thats how i got banned from every department except the one i worked in. its also how i was given the name the jersey devil. lmao. all the boys were scared but infatuated with me. and dumbass dusty still tries to get on me to this day. and the dumb bitch is still with him.lmao

major meltdown

ok well im back. quick huh? i feel better today. i had my major emotional breakdown. it was about due. i woke up yesterday and i felt so incredibly depressed. everything was just taking its toll on me. and it made me feel worse that i only seem to bitch or whine on here anymore.

so anyway, i got up yesterday and like i said i just felt sad. i was pretty much on the verge of tears all day long. jims 2 friends were supposed to come over here yesterday to help me with the bowflex.so i called the one up and he said he wasnt coming he had schoolwork to do. so i was like ok cool. then he was like and i made plans to go out. i was like holdup, you told me you were gonna come here and your nto cuz your going out with someone else? and hes like well i made plans. and i said yea but we made plans first. so he fed me some more bullshit and then i hung up. i almost cried then but held back. then i called the other boy,he said he was still coming but he was gonna play paintball first. so i was like ok cool. so then i called my friend randi cuz she was coming too. she was coming later so i was like ok cool.

then i got to sitting around and missing jim. and then he called. so i was starting to tell him something and he had to go of course. it seems like everytime i talk to him he cuts me off cuz hes gotta go do this or that, or hes tired or hes sick. and its incredibly frustrating. he called back later and couldnt understand my sadness. i tried to push it aside to tell him something that made me happy..and he had to go. i was aaagggggghhhhhh. i wanted to scream so bad. then randi came by,and we were waiting on erik. guess what? he blew me off. so i was pissed again. then randi left. she was supposed to stay for awhile,but decided she was tired cuz she went to the bar hte night before and had to get up early for work.and now she was tired.

then i lost it. i cried and cried.i called my bibsy so i could talk to someone cuz i knew i wasnt doing good, and if i didnt talk to someone,something bad would happen. my poor sister. she had stuff to do but was afraid to leave me alone. at that time jim called and i was crying my eyeballs out. hes like whats wrong? dont be sad, and i told him how extremely frustrating it is to me to be all alone. i am not the kind of person who can be alone like this. it makes me insane. and then he had the nerve to say something incredible stupid,like maybe you should get a new man if thats what you want. are you kidding me? if thats what i wanted id have done it by now. dumbass.

so i tried to explain to him what was wrong. but no matter how i tried he couldnt understand for some reason. so ill try to explain to you guys. i love jim with my whole heart.when hes here im like glued to him,bc it seems like he is my glue. like hes what keeps me together. i love always being with him i cant stand when hes not around. so him being away from me for so long with longer to go is killing me. all i have are the phone conversations we have. and when everytime i get to telling him something,hes gotta go for some reason or another. like hes too busy for me. i know hes busy,but i dont like feeling like he has no time for me. it kinda makes me feel unloved i guess, even though thats not the case. if i dont have him on hte phone i feel like i dont have him at all. and being alone all the time and doing nothing doesnt help. but all my friends have lives too and cant really leave them to be with me. they are all married with kids.but im just falling apart it feels like. and the worst part is i dont have pms,so i cant blame it on anything. this is me 100%. all my feelings. i hate feeling alone. ive felt like it all my life until jim. he keeps saying you lived your life 21 years without me, and im like yea but theni had you and everything changed. i dunno how to explain it.

i cried for about 2 hours straight. then my eyeballs were swolleni had to go to sleep. i feel a lil bit better,but i know its only a matter of time before it happens again. see last time the reason i survived was cuz i lived with a lesbian chick. we were either high or drunk all the time. i dont want to be like that again. but its starting to seem as if thats my only option...

wandas thing..hmm sounds funny

ok so i know i just said i was dissapearing. and i am, but i wanted to do this real quick. ive been wanting one of these for awhile now. oh and im just going to stop posting. ill still try to visit everyone. you guys are all like soap operas. i gotta see what happens next.lol. but like i said im in a reallyshitty place right now, and im very very unhappy. and even though i feel like jumping off a bridge, i wont. so noone needs to worry. im not that selfish.

1. What time is it? 9:12 PM

2. Name as it appears on birth certificate: Jacquelynne Vanessa

3. Nicknames: ness,nesser,nessa,v,van(which i hate)

4. Piercing: had 3 but now im down to one. unless you count ears. then i have 3 again. my nose and two earrings. i used to have my tongue pierced twice

5. Eye color: green

6. Place of birth: cape may,nj

7. Favorite food: steak and mashed potatoes with gravy

8. Ever been to Africa? No but id like to

9. Ever been toilet papering? hell no thats stupid

10. Love someone so much it made you cry? a time or two

11. Been in a car accident? Yes. now i got a lumpy lip

12. Croutons or bacon bits: croutons

13. Favorite day of the week: Saturday

14. Favorite restaurant: applebees or outback steakhouse

15. Favorite flower: carnations

16. Favorite sport to watch: none

17. Favorite drink: strawberry margherita

.18. Favorite ice cream: edys expresso chocolate chip

19. Disney or Warner Bros.: disney

20. Favorite fast food restaurant: arby's

21. What color is your bedroom carpet: damn i cant remeber the actual name but its a really dark blue

.22. How many times did you fail your driver's test? written or driving?

23. Before this one, from whom did you get your lastE-mail? erin

24. Which store would you choose to max out yourcredit card? old navy

25. What do you do most often when you are bored? Blog, read, watch tv.

26. Bed time: about 10pm during the week and on the weekend it depends on my mood

27. Who will respond to this Meme the quickest? the queen

28. Who is the person you think is least likely to respond? mr.underhill

29. FAVORITE TV SHOWS: csi,charmed,will and grace

30. Last person you went out to dinner with: my lover

31. Ford or Chevy? honda

32. What are you listening to right now? Nothing

33. What is your favorite color? Green

35. How many tattoos do you have? depends. overall i have 9 unless you want to be specific and count all the letters seperately. then i have 48. im serious

36. Have you ever run out of gas? No.close but no

37. What is your favorite Book, Movie? Book: i like the stephanie plum series by janet evanovich, i also like the anita blake series by laurell hamilton.

movie:romeo and juliet, sweet november. white chicks is pretty funny too.

welcome to my life

im feeling really down lately, so i will be away for a few days. cuz im tired of all my postings being about whining and bitching. so ill be back soon. not sure when exactly but soon. hope you all do well.



this is a song that is basically how i feel lately:


Do you ever feel like breaking down?Do you ever feel out of place?Like somehow you just don't belongAnd no one understands youDo you ever wanna run away?Do you lock yourself in your room?With the radio on turned up so loudThat no one hears you screamingNo you don't know what it's likeWhen nothing feels alrightYou don't know what it's like to be like meTo be hurtTo feel lostTo be left out in the darkTo be kickedWhen you're downTo feel like you've been pushed aroundTo be on the edge of breaking downAnd no one's there to save youNo you don't know what it's likeWelcome to my lifeDo you wanna be somebody else?Are you sick of feeling so left out?Are you desperate to find something moreBefore your life is overAre you stuck inside a world you hate?Are you sick of everyone around?With their big fake smiles and stupid liesWhile deep inside you're bleedingNo you don't know what it's likeWhen nothing feels alrightYou don't know what it's like to be like meTo be hurtTo feel lostTo be left out in the darkTo be kickedWhen you're downTo feel like you've been pushed aroundTo be on the edge of breaking downAnd no one's there to save youNo you don't know what it's likeWelcome to my lifeNo one ever lied straight to your faceAnd no one ever stabbed you in the backYou might think I'm happyBut I'm not gonna be okEverybody always gave you what you wantedYou never had to work it was always thereYou don't know what it's likeWhat it's likeTo be hurtTo feel lostTo be left out in the darkTo be kickedWhen you're downTo feel like you've been pushed aroundTo be on the edge of breaking downAnd no one's there to save youNo you don't know what it's likeTo be hurtTo feel lostTo be left out in the darkTo be kickedWhen you're downTo feel like you've been pushed aroundTo be on the edge of breaking downAnd one's there to save youNo you don't know what it's likeWelcome to my life

love story:the conclusion. and more

he looked at me for a minute and then he said, yes i mean it. ive been wanting to say it for awhile. but i wasnt sure if i should. i said ive been wanting to say it from the very beginning,but i was scared youd freak out and be gone. then we laughed,kissed and cuddled. its been 3 years and 3 months and 9 days. i love him much more than i could ever imagine. everyone said we would never last. haha to them. weve been through alot. he went away to bosnia with the army for 9 months, and during that time a supposed friend tried to sleep with me. it was a speed bump in the relationship. it took awhile to fix everything to perfection,but we did. his mom has been a bitch from the beginning, my mom died. theres been more drama with his family,not enough from mine. i got fat, and he has left me againfor 16 more months, but i love him so much. hes a smartass, hes not romantic at all, he tries but hes not,he pisses me off,but i love him to death. we will get married when he returns, and im very excited. i never ever wanted to get married till i met him. and the best part is when we do get married, our initials we be exactly the same. jvc. hes james vincent,im jacquelynne vanessa.lol to me thats a sign. i know im gay!!

anyway, not much happening here. so glad the work week is over. ive been hearing about a noreaster for monday. fucking snow i swear. but the biggest bitch of it all is im not allowed to miss any more days of work till the end of march. so even if its a damn blizzard i gotta go or i get fired. dammit. ill probable wreck. i have to go to the dreaded in laws to be's house tomorrow. i plan on dropping off the money and running. lol

omg, i was watching csi last night. didnt even get to see my man warrick yet,and my eyes kept closing. so i turned the tv off and went to sleep. well of course i was wide awake for a minute. then i passed out. then i woke up, and you know how you wake up and your like dazed,but you know your awake? well my heart started pounding really hard and i woke up and rolled over and there was this thing/person whatever, kinda tucking me into bed. it had either yellow clothing or a yellow glow to it and it smiled. my heart started pounding even more hard i thought i was gonna die or something.i closed my eyes really tight and tried to calm down and when i opened them again, it was gone. then i was apranoid the whole night and couldnt sleep. im really tired tonight. it was probably my mom. she hasnt tried to scare the hell out of me lately,but i dunno..ive never seen her before. ive felt her but not seen her.hmm

ok hope all of you are well.

love story part 2

he leaned over to kiss me... and i turned away.lol. i really liked him alot. actually i think i may have even loved him then. but i didnt wanna give anything away. a kiss to me is more important than sex. you can have sex and it doesnt mean anything, but a kiss is always special. to me anyway. well he got mad of course.he couldnt understand why i wouldnt kiss him if i liked him so much. i told him when he made me his official girl, he could kiss me all the time!!lol.

two more weeks went by and we hung out all the time. everyday before work,and everyday after. i was so in love. and it seemed like it would take forever,if ever, for us to be official. and then without my knowing it we were. i was to go to jersey for turkey day the next week. now the thing about jim is hes a smartass. so when i said i was going,he was like guess i gotta find a new girl now. bastard.i got mad.lol but he ended up coming with me. my mom was really sick and in the hospital then. i didnt want to see her cuz it always made me cry. i hated seeing her so sick. this was the time where she called him jeff.haha. anyway, the day before turkey day we went to my friends bar. got completely trashed. it was bad. jim accidently burned off some of my friends hair. but she was so drunk she didnt care.lol it was a lot of fun. that night we went back to my moms house and started making out of course and we had sex for the first time. it amazed me how i held out so long with others. even when i was drunk, but i just gave it to jim. with no regrets. the rest of the trip was sex filled of course.lol on the way back home we stopped at every third rest stop and did it.lol it was crazy how much sex we had.

maybe a week later we had just finished, and he looked at me and said i think i love you. no ive been let down ALOT. so i paid no attention to it. cuz he had just had sex, so he may just have said it. then the next day while we were having sex he said it again. i was looking in his eyes at the time he said it and i knew he meant it. i cried. no man had ever told me they loved me. not even my step dad who raised me from a baby. i was so happy. i told him i loved him back of course. when we were done being dirty i asked if he really meant it. and he looked at me a minute.and then he said........

haha the rest tomorrow. i gotta go shovel the fucking snow!! i hate winter.lol

oh by the way HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SISSY!!she is 16 today

a love story part 1

i dont really have alot to say unless its bitching lately, so i decided to tell the story of me and jim. you dont have to read it if you dont want. but like i said i got nothing else and this makes me happy.

ahem, so it all began in october of 2001. i had just lost over 30 lbs, just turned 21, and i was a happy,independent,confident,bitchy kinda chick. lol i had a few different things going on. i almost had jeff into me fully,and it looked like wed be getting back together,but just in case i was talking to a few other hotties. i wasnt sleeping with any of them before yall start thinkiong im trampy!!lol. anyway, i was at work looking prim and perfect, talking to me best friend who was also a male, when this really hot guy walked past me. i lost track of what my friend was saying to think out loud"wow,who is that?" i thought it was in my head,but it wasnt. and my friend said,i heard that.lol i asked if he knew who it was,and he said,thats jim. in like a disgusted voice. i said ohhhhh. and then i kinda forgot about it.well he ended up working there,and my friend cicily was like ness,ness theres a new guy in the warehouse and hes really hot. go check it out. its a long story,for another day, but i was not allowed in the warehouse.hehe.i was banned actually. but i knew the whole plant inside and out. so i took a secret way,to scope it out. as the day went by i knew who he was, how old, where he lived,went to school,everything. i found out from a bunch of different people. and they all said the same thing. he is an arrogant cocky asshole. i shrugged that off.

later that day on break, he was on break too. as he walked past, looking at the ground,with a smug look on his face, iasked how his day was going. he said hed been working for herr's(the chip factory)for awhile,just a different branch. i said o i c.i told him my name and he went to tell me his and i said i know who you are.and smiled. and he went off to his car. turns out he drove a brand new toyota celica in the dark blue color. i love that car. its hot. so then i went to scheming. i saw him again later in the day, and i said i heard some things about you. he said i heard some things about you too. i said i heard your a cocky asshole. he said i heard your a bitch. then we laughed. later that night when work was over, i decided i was gonna wait the extra hour till he got done. now my bf wes was already done,so i talked to him for awhile.as soon as i saw jim, i totally abandoned wes(which i had to hear about for a month) and went up to jim. i said when you gonna take me for a ride in that kick ass car of yours? he said lets go.so i got all giddy inside. i got in the car thinking i have to have this boy.(he was only 18 then) and we went for a ride. lemme tell you how ive never been so scared in my whole life.lol he went flying down this curvy hilly road. i actually put my seatbelt on in the middle of the ride.lol.

we started hanging out every now and then after work. on one ride(we were driving around looking for pot. i was a pothead then) he told me he heard i said he was hot. thank god it was dark bc i was blushing so hard my face was burning.lol i couldnt believe i was so schoolgirl like. after about a half hour, i finally told him i said that. then i dropped him off.lol. a few nights later we hung out till 6am just talking. it was great, we didnt have to actually go anywhere or do anything,but is was so much fun. this is all like in a 2 week period. soon we started going out during the day.not every day, but some. it amazed me how i kinda abandoned all my friends. the girls didnt mind, but the boys were furious with me. especially jeff. hed heard it through the herrs grapevine(cuz he worked there too) that i was scoping out this other guy. but i didnt care. i was all about jim.jeff who?

i was falling hard for jim. he was so much fun and so great. we were like little school kids with crushes. beating each other up, tickling. even my friends approved which was odd, cuz they never liked anyone i chose to date. and damn he was fine! this one day he took me to this place. im still not quite sure what it is. but it was this beautiful brick building overlooking the chesapeake river. the sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky,the water twinkling. we walked out onto the long dock andtalked for a lil bit. we stood right next to each other,looking in each others eyes.

he leaned over to kiss me........

the rest tomorrow.lmao!!

just a lil more..

hello all my blog buddies. as you see ive made a change. garfield is my favorite. i was very happy when i found this.yayyy!! and then i was even happier yesterday when wanda showed me how to put words on the bottom.yayyyy!! and there also i learned to put peoples links in. im slowly getting everyones in, so if you dont see yours yet, it will be there by the end of the week.

with that said, ive got a lil bit more bitching. first i will explain to those of you who dont know, no jims mom isnt really the landlord. this is jims house, she just has power of attorny which means she can write out all the bills while hes away. she thinks shes god,but whatever. ok so i talked to jim yesterday, i said i wasnt gonna bitch,but i lied. i started crying cuz i do that when im frustrated.so of course he asked why and i let it rip. so he called his mom.again. so i was happy. till he called me back, and my digital cable is going. i got angry and threw stuff and yelled. that temper thing again. she told him that i need to get a cleaning crew in here. and i lost it. so i yelled some more only to hear how i need to get along with his mom. it is his mom and one day shell be my mom..back up..nono, i had a mom. she isnt her. my mom would never be such a bitch to jim. never!! she was a bitch for awhile, but the last 3 years she was alive she was awesome. sometimes in between too!! anyway, he kept telling me to move to nj while hes gone bc he thinks that will make me happy. it kinda would,but its too much hassle. and why should i move, why cant she stop being a bitch. then he told me she was crying. i said i dont fucking care. let her cry, ive been crying cuz of her. apparently i should have kept that to myself.hehe bc he went on about how i need to try and get along with her, um hello!! havent i been trying. tell her to fucking try.uuuuugggggghhhh... theres more but fuck it im done bitching about her. he kept saying og to jersey, blahblahblah. he wants me to be happy. i said id be happy if shed back the fuck off.he was like no i want you to be HAPPY. i said jim im gonna be sad no matter where i go. ill have more fun in nj, and i wont be near your mom, but thats it.its not worth all the uprooting ill have to do. he says i want you happy cuz an unhappy nessa makes an unhappy jim. and theres not much i can do from here.WHATEVER JIM!! you could try harder!!ok no more. im getting mad again

work sucked. i was already miserable when i got there. then i had to work with the miserable bitch all day. and she was pissing me off. i had to ask a friend there to remind me that you get fired for hitting people.lol. on breaks i listened to limp biskit,bc the angry music for some reason makes me feel better.lol. finally the damn work day ended, i went to get my car checked out and its only gonna cost me $300 to fix.yayyyy!! then i came home checked my mail and some of my toys came.yayyyyy!! you know what im doing tonight!! :). and the rest of my bowflex came. which means a long weekend of putting the bitch together.but then i can at least vent my anger into something meaningful.

hope everyone elses life is going well.

i swear......

once again, i was gonna come on here and tell everyone how i had a wonderful day. but the wicked bitch of the west has fucked it all up. im gonna stab the bitch i swear!! you know i didnt bitch..much on saturday when she pissed me off. but fuck that.

ok lemme start from the am. so i woke up at like 6am as always, went outside hoping for the 3-6 inches of snow they promised me on the news, to find like an inch. dammit,gotta go to work. so i drive to work and the roads werent bad, but nobody felt like coming in i guess. and they all live closer than me,but whatever. my day was busy, and it was fucking country day again. i hate country music day. im starting to learn the words, and i dont like the songs. anyway, so my day went by really quick. which is always good.

work day was over. yayyyy!! i go to my grannies to pick up austin. i had to listen to a lecture for listening to my radio too loud and how im gonna blow my speakers and my eardrums, blah blah blah. i had to tell grannie for the 800th time that its supposed to be like that, my speakers wont blow. ive got a small system in my car. 2 10's in my trunk an amp and 4 brand new high quality speakers in my car. :) but i was still feeling pleasant. i get home and my bowlfex has a rrived. YESSSSSSS!!!! now i can be buff. and after i notice that i see a card in my door. from the cable company...

says they were here to pick up the converter, please reschedule. ummmm....wtf?? i dont know what a converter is, but i have a feeling they mean my box for the digital cable. motherfucker!!so i call the cable company explain why im calling, and surprise surprise..jims cunt mother called the cable company and told them to disconnect my premium channels,and digital cable. i swear im gonna stab her soon. so you know what i do, tell cable lady im not cancelling till i speak with "james". hang up call jim. my whole body is shaking from the rage building inside. jim answers the phone. i said i love you and im trying to contain my anger but im furious. he says what now? i said did you tell your mom to disconnect the cable? he says no. i explain story to him. he says hell call her to find out the deal. but he did not allow that.


i fucking hate her. im going to take my extremely pissed off self to the shower and try to calm down after i smoke 10 ciggies.

she always knows how to ruin a great day. fucking cunt!!! oh yea!! i said cunt. i try not to use that word cuz i really hate it. but she leaves me no choice

%$@&&$#%$#!$#@

another funny story

ladies and gents i got nothing for ya!! i went to jims parents house, his mom pissed me off again, i ate chinese and i went to the movies to see "hitch" god i love will smith. it was a funny movie, and sweet. but damn was it long. holy crap. and they didnt have any damn pretzel bites. thats the whole damn reason i go is for the pretzels and they had none. lol jim told me, no im sorry ordered me to go out and have fun. said i need to leave the house and do stuff otherwise its gonna be a long 17 months. he told me to move back to jersey if i wanted till he comes back. but i know if i move to jersey, i wont ever come back here. so i dunno

anyway, heres a funny stroy real quick. its from about a year ago. it was right after hurricane isabelle, and i had no electric and jim did, so i went over to his house. since there wasnt much to do, we decided to try and play whiffle ball with austin. lol well anyway, i was throwing the ball to jim. i was maybe like 5 ft away and he nailed that ball as hard as he could. right into my mouth. i dropped to the ground and cried and jim come running over to me. that fucking hurt. plastic ball or not. he busted up my lip really bad. and about 90% of my mouth swelled up. like fat albert big. and i was purple. you couldnt even see my teeth. i was so upset. jim kept saying sorry, but i was like fuck you. then he wanted to go out to walmart. i said are you fucking kidding? but sure enough we went. and everyone looked at me like id been beaten. it was bad.lmao. i wish i had a pic to show.lol

ok well everyone have a great day!!

a beautiful song

i love this song. its about as country as i get.lol i want it to be played, actually i wanna sing it to jim at our wedding.lol well see though. thats alot of people to sing in front of.


From This Moment

i do swear that ill always be there
id give anything and everything, and i will always care
from weakness and strenght, happiness and sorrow
for better or worse, i will love you

With Every Beat Of My Heart

from this moment, life had begun, from this moment you are the one
right beside you , is where i belong
from this moment on

from this moment,i have been blessed
i live only, for your happiness
and for your love, id give my last breath
from this moment on..

i give my hand to you with all my heart
cant wait to live my life with you, cant wait to start
you and i will never be apart
my dreams came true bc of you

from this moment, as long as i live
i will love you, i promise you this
there is nothing i wouldnt give, from this moment on

you're the reason i believe in love
and youre the answer to my prayers from up above
all we need is just the two of us
my dreams came true bc of you

from this moment, as long as i live
i will love you, i promise you this
there is nothing i wouldnt give
i will love you as long as i live

from this moment on


i love that song. i sing it to jim all the time. i miss him so much. i also like youre still the one. its funny to me cuz when me and jim first got together everyone said we wouldnt last. haha fuckers. sorry immature moment.l0l but weve been together now for 3 years and 3 months. and this is the second time hes gone away. last time he went to bosnia for 9 months. jim says this willmake us stronger, but i believe we are as strong as can be. i love my jimmy. nothing will ever change that. not even my hot CSI guy.lol

hope you all have a great day

a post to "bibsy"

this is a post about my sissy. i call her bibsy. we actually tried to sit down and think about why i call her that, but i cant remember and she cant either.lol but i cant seem to not call her it. her real name is ryan. my mom used to love this movie, i wanna say it was mystic pizza. and the girls name was ryan. my mom wanted an original name. that would be it. she used to hate the name, my sister. cuz its a boys name and all. but she likes it now. says it makes her unique or something.lol my sissy will be turning 16 soon. god where did the time go. i tried to put a pic of her on here, but it didnt work. oh well

anyway, the other day we were chatting on aim, and she said the sweetest stuff to me. its probably what started me depression kick. now you have to know the shit weve been through. like i said before, i used to hate my sister when i was younger. it wasnt really about her, but i did just the same. i hated how fucking spoiled she was, and that most of the reasons i got beat all the time was bc of her. but i always loved her. she loved me so much back then. she would follow me around,come hang out in my room,all that stuff. she was so cute. but like i said i hated her kinda for all the bullshit. then as we got older, and i was a teen i was too busy for her. she still wanted to be with me, but id blow her off. i really was an asshole to her. poor bibs. then i got kicked out and had to live with my mom. and once that happened, i didnt see much of her. neither did my mom. my stepdad told the courts she was crazy and that was the end of child visits. i slowly started to not hate, but resent her again, bc my mom was such an asshole to me,but cried every day about not seeing my sis and bro. which is understandable. but i saw it as i was right there with her and she could have cared less. then i moved to florida. once i moved there, we wrote back and forth and i really missed her. i moved to pa a year after and it seemed like my sis was all growed up. it was amazing. she was so proud of being an aunt. shed ask for pics and show off my son.

now shes almost 16 and weve been through it all. my mom died and my stepdads an ass and wouldnt let me tell her. my sis knew something was up, so she asked her dad. and he told her. i should have been the one but whatever. after that she got really sad. she tried to kill herself last march. shes a lil bit better now. we talk all the time but shes got alot of attitude, so she gets on my nerves quickly. but i wouldnt trade her for anything. i love my bibsy. but shes kinda closed down. she doesnt really show alot of lovey feelings. shell say i love you and stuff, but you just always get the feeling that shes too busy for you.

back to the main point of the story, the other day she told me she had an assignment to do for class about her family. and about one magical person in her life. and guess who she chose as her magical person? me me me me!!! she says she admires me for all ive done in my life, and all the tasks ive overcome. i cried. it was the nicest thing shes said to me in a long time. it was the greatest day ever. i wish i could have squeezed her. im proud of my lil sis. she is the most beautiful girl. i wish she would come live with me. shes a pain in my ass, but id never change her...

i love her. shes the bestest sissy ever. i wish she had more faith in herself. shes so pretty, and shes an excellent poem writer, but she always looks down on herself. she could be a model. my man and all his friends think shes hot. but she feels ugly. its odd really. i wish i looked more like her.lol

a post for my lover!!

ok first off, id like to say thank you all for your comments. to the few who say i need major counseling, thanks for the thought, but i will not do it. i generally dont let the past bother me. everynow and then it pops up, but i dont let it rule my life. i will not jump off a bridge or anything like that. im past that stage in life. i am feeling much better today about all that. ive got some pms and it makes my craziness come out. but thanks for the thoughts!!

ok i dont have much to talk about other than my incredibly horrible day at work. and i dont wanna get remad, so im going to post a song for my lover.

Here Without You
by 3 Doors Down
A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty faceA thousand lies had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the sameBut all the miles had separateThey disappeared now when I’m dreaming of your faceI’m here without you baby but you’re still on my lonely mindI think about you baby and I dream about you all the timeI’m here without you baby but you’re still with me in my dreamsAnd tonight it’s only you and meThe miles just keep rolling as the people leave their way to say helloI've heard this life is overrated but I hope that it gets better as we goI’m here without you baby but you’re still on my lonely mindI think about you baby and I dream about you all the timeI’m here without you baby but you’re still with me in my dreamsAnd tonight girl it’s only you and meEverything I know, and anywhere I goit gets hard but it won’t take away my loveAnd when the last one falls, when it’s all said and doneit gets hard but it won’t take away my loveI’m here without you baby but you’re still on my lonely mindI think about you baby and I dream about you all the timeI’m here without you baby but you’re still with me in my dreamsAnd tonight girl it’s only you and meI’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mindI think about you baby and I dream about you all the timeI’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreamsbut tonight girl it’s only you and me

sorry its all squished

cya

lessons you learn in life

so i got to thinking just now. and i realize that ive become a selfish person. now ive been told this a few times lately but just pushed it aside. then me and jim had a tiff tonight and i realized it was true. to me, it really is just about, all about me. i called my aunt last week after i heard that i was selfish and told her what had been said about me. and she said well maybe you should tell them that all your life its never been about you.

you see growing up in my house was hell. and like people say, you learn from your life and all the things that happen. well heres a sum of my life.

i was born to a 17yr old mother and an older father. my mom married him but he beat her and had a big drinking problem so she left. eventually she met this man and i guess he was prince charming to her. i dont remember much of that. i believe that i have blocked out alot of my childhood life for the reasons coming. when i was about 6/7 i remember waking up one night to my mom shaking me awake. i remember her crying and her ears being all bloody from where her earrings had been ripped out. i realized in my older days that she had been beaten very badly. we moved out for awhile,but as many women who are beaten, she went back eventually. everything was fine for awhile. my sissy was born later and eventually my bro. then we moved to this big beautiful house. huge. i call it the hell house now. once we moved there it seemed as though everything went to hell. my mom was beaten nightly. sometimes not too bad. sometimes the cops would come. i always heard it and always saw the damage the next day. i was too young to fully grasp it. maybe i wasnt who knows. while she was miserable all the time i was forced to basically raise my sister. i was like 13 my sissy like 5. well being a new teen i only wanted to spend so much time with her. when i didnt wanna play anymore my sister would cry and my mom would beat the hell out of me. i always had bruises, broken blood vessels, rug burn, missing hair. i had a broken toe once but mostly shed crack me in the face. it happened for years. well in between be beaten and the nightly fights between the rents, my stepdad would molest me. i lost my virginity at 13 to a man who was sorta my dad. i never told anyone then. never. that happened for about 2-3 years until i read a book on sexual abuse and told him to leave me alone. no matter how good i was or how hard i tried to please everyone, i always payed for someone elses misery. always. then i got kicked out of that house and went to live at my moms, where she didnt want me but had to have me bci was hers. while living there i still got hit and mentally abused as well. my mom was an alcoholic and when she got going she was scary. i got raped on my 17th bday and after that i just kinda shut myself down. i did whatever anyone wanted. then my mom started getting sick and i always had to take care of her bc she couldnt do anything. i got pregnant shortly after and decided that i was leaving her to go start a life by myself. while in florida i lived with a girl who also had a child and her man went psycho and left. so i had to take care of my child her, and her child. i worked 16 hours a day so that we could live. then she turned on me and i moved to pa, where i ended up with another roomate i had to take care of. all my life ive been taking care of other people, and not taking care of myself. i guess i feel its time for me,ya know.

then today i realized i am selfish. i want everything to be about me. the way i want it. i was telling someone today about getting the ring when jim comes back, and they were saying technically i was engaged. so when jim finally called i said something along the lines of ask me to marry you,blahblahblah. and we got into this tiff. he said i was ruining the whole thing and hed already told me more than he wanted to,bc i was nagging him. now yesterday when he told me he was happy sounding about it. today im a nag. so i was pissed.

i dunno anymore. i dont want to be known as a selfish person, but i dont think im really aware of doing it. this whole time jims been gone, all ive done is whine about how miserable i am. not even really thinking how he is. and how it must be bad for him. i guess i never really feel bad for him bc he signed up for this. i dont really know how to explain it really.

all i know is im strating not to like myself anymore. ive always prided myself on being a good person considering where ive come from and the battles ive been through. but im starting to think i cant justify myself on all that anymore.

i dont like who i am anymore...why should jim ask me to be his wife??

another joyous day.....

im so gonna lose my new job. cant go to work today. austin has pink eye. and being a single mom, that means when hes infected, nobody else will take him and igotta stay home. pleez dont let me catch it too!!! sighhh. the worst part is i have no insurance, so the doc visit and meds is gonna cost a small fortune! great!!

anyway, hope you all had a great v-day. i was very sad. on my way home from work yesterday, i passed a chick with 2 dozen roses. i cried. you see i always have pms around valentines day. anyway, i had told jim i was gonna send him presents and stuff and he kept saying i wish i could get you something and i said i dont want anything. bc he would have his mom call up and order flowers and have them sent and its not the same. cuz it always has a chicks handwriting instead of chicken scratch. so i told him to make me a card. then the day before valentines day he told me he forgot. FORGOT!?! now if your thinking about me all the time and miss me so much, how do you forget. so my feelings were hurt. and plus i didnt want to be without him on the day of love. so i was just miserable. but then......

guess what guess what? he told me when he comes home for his 2 weeks, that we can go to zales and i can get my platinum 1 1/2 diamond ring!!!!! yayyyyy!! so then i felt all better. im so happy!! only 4 1/2 months to go.

i went out the other day to get kitty litter for my ferrets cage. and when i was back in the car, guess who i freaking saw? jeff. i was like you gottta be kidding me. i floored it and left. i didnt want to talk to him and have another night of dreams about him, bc he doesnt deserve to be in my dreams. you wanna hear something funny? when i was with jeff on and off for 2 1/2 years, i never slept with him. i held out bc sex is a special thing to me. ive had too much sex drama in my life to just throw it away. so i kinda held on to it. i thought i loved jeff. but i never slept with him. when me and jim got together, wed hung out for about a month and then a week later i slept with him. haha!! i knew i loved jim when we first met. jeff took awhile. there are things about jeff that i wish jim had, but id never trade jim in for jeff. NEVER!!lol

happy valentines day!!

happy valentines everybody!!!!

hope you all had a better day with your loves than i did.

i dont really feel like typing anything cuz im feeling realllly down. im very sad and non sociable. so im gonna go sulk in my bed and watch sappy movies,eat ice cream and cry!!

i miss my jimmy.....

hes the best

I LOVE my jimmy. hes the bestest

so after i left the last post on here, i was checking out everyones sites. well the phone rang, and i knew i shouldnt answer it. but i did. guess who? yup the evil bitch from hell.

BACK OFF EVIL WOMAN!!!!

she calls me and shes all like,"that house next to you sold you know. i just got a lil card in the mail that says its under contract and was sold for $220,000" i live in these townhouses. they are only a year old. shes money greedy as we all now. i think she keeps trying to hint at us selling the house. well so jim calls and i tell him bout it. and he said she does want the house sold bc she doesnt think we should live in a house thats connected to another. who the fuck is she? who cares what she thinks. i love our house. its not being sold yet. weve only been here a damn year. so i bitched cuz i do it so well and he said he would call her. ok then

so i went out to my friend randis house and watched those movies. the grudge was scury to me. the notebook was sooooo sweet. and first daughter, i laughed and then i cried. haha

anyway while i was there jim called and he told me he had a talk with her. he told her to back off bout the money, to treat me better cuz im having a hard time too and hes not selling the house. dont you know the bitch like denied it all? said she didnt try to close the account for the movie store, she wasnt impling that the house should be sold. WHATEVER BITCH!! anyway so well see how that holds out.

it makes me so proud/happy when he finally confronts his mother. this is a normal thing in case you didnt know.lol

oh sigh...only 515 days till he comes home and everythings back to normal. but that doesnt really make me feel any better.....

the week that wouldnt freakin end!!

so i woke up in a good mood!!yay, time to spend more money, seeing as i got my other tax check yesterday. so up and out the dor by 9:30am. now, you all klnow that nothing makes me happier than spending money!!

so i went to the bank and deposited most of the money. hopefully i will leave there as it is to fix my car. hopefully!!lol. anyway then i went to this one store that has a copier machine cuz i had to amke a copy of my license so i can replace austins birth certificate. they are getting very strick with that stuff. now i lose mine every other year and have to get it replaced. you didnt have to do all that before. sidetracked..anyway, then i went to the post office so i could mail off my jimmys v-day presents to him. to get it there by monday cost me $21.05. holy shit!! but as long as he gets it on v-day itll make him happy and then its worth it. then i got a few money orders cuz i ordered me some new toys,outfits and pornos.yayyy!!

next i went to the grocery store to get austin some lunch stuff for the week. and then i decided to go to the movie store

so i picked out 5 movies. the grudge, the notebook, the forgotten, catwoman, and first daughter. so i go up to the counter.tra-la-la-la and dude scans my card and keeps looking at the screen funny. so im like damn do i have a late charge? then he asks for my license. i was like ooook and gave it to him. hes like i got a lil story for you. ($##%!#%@)

so turns out "some woman" called the video store and tried to close out our account. said her son was going overseas and she wanted it closed. dude said unless you are the account holder you cant close it out. so she throws in well i have power of attorny. dude says well its not a legal thing, its a store policy. only the people on the account can close it. so then she asks whos on the account. dude says im not allowed to give out that info.

are you fucking kidding me? i really am bout ready to make a voodoo doll and rip its head off. this bitch....anyway, so while im still there and checking out, i call jim and tell him. i was furious. not pissed,furious!! i told him to call the bitch and he said well you said not to, i said i dropped off this weeks money so you can call her now. hes like whens her day off,tuesday? and i said no!! YOU CALL HER FUCKING TODAY!!!!!! and he said ok vanessa ok.

this bitch is riving me crazy. i dont think jim really understands the half of it. i cant take much more. he better fix it before i slap the bitch.

going to go calm myself with some aromatherapy now. doesnt really work for me but i like to pretend.

a quickie

dont really have anything to talk about, so im gonna tell an old story.

back when me and jim first met, it wasnt long before my mom was ill and in the hospital. my mom was very sick and had lost her short term memory somehow. well me and jim had just made it official, and i had told my mom. so she knew but couldnt really remember. well all i used to talk about was jeff. for like 3 years straight. so thats all she remembered.

well anyway, jim forced me to go see her. i didnt want to bc every time i went, she always looked like crap. all yellow and bruised from all the needles and she was always so drugged. and it always upset me to where id cry and upset her. but anyway, jim made me go. she was in the icu and way drugged. i think later she said it was morphine. oh and keep in mind that jim hates jeff, always has. well anyway,so we go in there. and my best friend was with us also. so my mom ws talking to her,bc all my friends were like her children. and then she goes," and who might this be? is this jeff?" and i was like no mom no!!!! this is jimmmmmm!! and she was like oh im sorry. im under heavy drugs.lol. he was cool with it bc just to look at her you knew she was doped up. but now i look at it and its funny as hell.

hmm. i guess this wouldnt really be funny to all of you.oh well.

cya

valentines thang

ok ok i have been forced to do this.lol


1)What is the best valentines gift you have ever received?

lets see, my jimmy set me up. he made me come to his house one day instead of him fcoming to mine, and i walked in to a beautiful basket of carnations. they are my fave. red white and pink ones. then we were supposed to go out for breakfast and after fighting about it for like 5 minutes it was decided he would drive. so i open the door on my side and there was the most beautiful teddy bear id ever seen holding a choclate heart lollipop. i love teddy bears and this was so cool. hes white with like these shimmery irrodescent things mixed in his fur. i was a happy camper.
2)What would be your "DREAM VALENTINE GIFT"?

mmm id have to say a surprise 7 day cruise through like jamaica and the bahamas. ive always wanted to go on one.


3)What was the worst Valentine gift you ever received?

when i was like 16 this guy tried to secretly leave this ring at my house after a vday party. he said it was his grandmas and swore it was real. it kinda looked real but i made him take it back to where it came from.lol


4)Have you ever gone to an adult toy store on Valentines day?

not on, but the day before i did. it was for v-day. i got a leather paddle thing as a joke for jim. but the joke was on me.it hurt.alot!!

5)Is "s" mandantory on Valentines day?


id unno i dont care about that stuff.lol

6)(Choose one) Would you rather:a)take a walk(through the park, in the woods, by the shore)
b)Have alot of money spent on you (dinner,dancing,a five star hotel)
c) get drunk and make spastic monkey love?

id like to have dinner cooked for me, we can watch movies and then have spastic monkey sex.

7) If you where single on Valentines day would you send yourself flowers?

well i consider myself single this year since jim isnt here and we cant do anything.but no. i will buy myself a big box of chocolates though!!mmmm,chocolate.lol

8)Chocolate or flowers?

Both silly.... sheesh do I have to tell you everything?????(stole this from the queen)

9)Is it all about the nookie?

depends on the day.lol

10) Is it a "lovers holiday" or a female appreciation holiday"?

i say a lovers holiday. its special. a nice present day!!lol

11)Whats the best gift you have ever given on Valentines day?

i bought jim a whole new wardrobe,very sexy cologne,it gives me orgasms just smelling it!! dinner and a weekend at the hilton hotel!!


12) what famous person would be your valentine?

damn thats a hard one. toss up between eddie cibrian, who used to be on third watch, and warrick from csi. or both


hmm ive semmed to have lost some questions, but i think the last one was

13) who do you pass this on to?

i pass it to

mr.pep

val

k

justanothernickname

lol hope you had as much fun as i did

edited version

ok im not nearly as angry as i was yesterday, but heres the edited version anyway. ok so not even 5 minutes after i got home did the doorbell ring. i hadnt even taken off my shoes yet. but i open the door and there she was. before she even came in the damn door, she started bitching. she started waving her hands around and she goes" i dont like this. it looks like a bunch of puerto ricans live here." ok all that was out there is a shovel and a recycling bin. second i hate when she uses stereotype kind of prhases and she know it. so then she steps into the house and looks around and goes" what is this mess? you know vanessa the only reason youre here is to take care of this house. so clean up this mess" hold up a sec. now i just cleaned my house. my house was clean. there was a blanket on the couch and 2 laundry baskets of folded clothes and my coat was on the floor. i was like i just cleaned this house. and shes like well clean it again. i started saying something and i just bit my tongue. instead i said what do you want sue?why are you here? and she said she wanted to look at the water heater or something. ok now let me go back a minute. this woman only works 3 days a week. she has no kids living at her house. her house is mary poppins clean. ok back to the story. so we go downstairs and she starts saying youre only here to blah blah blah. i told her im not mary poppins. her clean and mine are different. so eventually we make it upstairs again and shes bitching cuz i have more animals. im thinking bitch you came to see what you wanted now get the fuck out. but no...

so then she sits down and she says" ok well ive got more stuff to piss you off." oh good. cuz i wasnt pissed enough already. she then preceeds to tell me i need to pay $100 more to keep my digital cable and my cell phone. wtf!?! i pay $600 a month. my money covers the phone,cell ,heat,gas,and electric.cable and internet.after all that is paid theres like $125 left to go toward the trash and water that comes every 4 months. so thats like $600 bucks left over after the 4 months. theres more then enough. i was fuming!! fucking furious.

so finally when my poor jimmy called, i yelled and cried and told him to pleases do something about her before something bad happens. cuz its coming. i was so crazed i almost started to rip out my hair. so he told me he will take care of it. i really stressed how bad she makes me feel. like if she pisses me off bad enough maybe she thinks i will go away. i told him i hate her. and i do. he said you know shes gonna call you and yell at you for upsetting me. i said yea, but your not upset i am. and she will be. i wont answer the damn phone. fucking cunt!! i hate her.

yea so theres my rant.

now back to a few days ago,awww my jimmy loves me so much. we were talking about vacations and where we should go for honeymoon. and i asked him if he ever thinks about stuff for when we get married, he surprized me and said yes he does. so i asked what. he told me like where to do it. i told him what i wanted to do and where i wanted the reception and he said, there are much better places than that to do it at. now the place i picked is very expensive and very nice. i said better? and he said yea nicer. i said i thought it was very nice, and he said no there is better. i said do you really want to spend that kind of money? and he said yea why not? you only do it once. i said so were gonna have a big beautiful wedding? and he said yup. and then i said cuz i want to or cuz you do?and he said both. i was like awwwwwwwwww. hes so sweet. i was happy, it made me forget i ruined my new pants that day!!

today was a shitty day at work and there is nothing really to tell except i hate that i cry when im pissed/frustrated. makes me look week. ive cried three times at this job of frustration. it sux

f-in bitch

i was gonna come on here and tell yall about the great day i had. but just as i went to come up to the comp......

ding dong......

and it was jims fucking mom. i am so pissed off im still shaking and she left 10 minutes ago. so i decided it was in everyones best interest that i didnt really leave a post today. because every two words would be a curse.

god i fucking hate her!!!!!!!!!

@#$*!% @$^%#!!!!

i swear sometimes i believe i am cursed!!lol i love starting my blogs with that series of symbols.lol

ok so after i wrote my blog for yesterday, i went shopping like i said i would. and i even got to have fun. austin let me!! i think he knew i was on edge.lol. anyway so i drove the 45minutes to the mall(f-ing country life) and waited for 10am to arrive. well turns out the damn mall didnt open till 11am. figures. well i didnt want to wait an hour, so i went to best buy. i was fairly irritated bc i wanted to get jim a zippo with something sweet engraved in it. but whatever.grrrr. so i went to best buy. it said they werent supposed to be open till 11 either, but all kinds of people were going in and out, so i did too. turns out they opened early for super bowl. yayyyy!! so i went to find a comp game for jim. which was hard cuz i dont really know what he likes to play. he said no more army games cuz hes got a bunch so i was like hmmm. so i picked up a bunch and went up to the best buy dude and said which one is more fun? then i got a cd i knew jim liked.but i opened it.hehe and a cd for me cuz im tired of the ones i have. it was destinys child and i have to say its not one of their best. anyway, then i went to old navy where its always fun!! and spent another $160. yaya. i got austin some more clothes and i got me some too. i was so happy i found a shirt that said beer pong. i got it cuz it makes me think of jim.lol. then i went home where i watched the charmed marathon. i know its a stupid show but i like it. i even cleaned a bit.lol

finally jim called and he was a hateful fucker let me tell you. i hadnt talked to him since friday night and it was only for a second. he said he had a horrible weekend. hed been up for like 36 hours and had only gotten a total of 8 hrs from the 2 days before. and the eagles were losing so he was pissy bout that too. he said he might me getting some time off soon and if he does he wants to fly me down. he says were going to mardi gras. isaid no way. i know him, hell make me flash people.lol. i stopped doing that a long time ago.lol like when i met him.haha

then today i go to work and have like 100 orders to do today and finally first break comes. now you know im wearing new clothes, that i just bought yesterday. i was text messaging jim and slid on a fucking patch of ice. in front of all the smokers at my job. i scratched up my phone but even worse, I RUINED MY NEW FUCKING PANTS! dammit all to hell. i skinned my knee too. i was pissed. i really like these damn pants too. so to old navy i go again this weekend!! i hate winter. lol

hope you are all well

WTF?

again WTF? ok i woke up today feeling very disturbed. now its probably nothing at all, but goddamnit!! ever since i saw jeff the other day, at night ive been dreaming of him. and in my dreams we are always a couple. why is this? why am i dreaming of someone i loved once instead of the man i love to death now? is my mind in some sort of denial? i know that im not. jim is a much nicer person than jeff ever was to me. now there are a few things about jeff that i wish jim had, but overall i LOVE jim. this is really bothering/upsetting me alot.

i know that im over jeff. even when i talked to him the other day i could tell that. when i told him to tell me if he didnt like me or not it wouldnt hurt my feelings, it was the first time it was ever true. he will never make me cry again i will never go back to feeling so unimportant again.never. so again WTF? why am i dreaming of him.

i kinda feel like crying. i really dont like this. youre probably thinking im a looney, and its no big deal. but it is. jim is the man of dreams. well theres a few mistakes, but mostly. jeff i thought was, but in the end i realized he was just an asshole with a good front.

when me and jeff first got together, he seemed so perfect. ALWAYS complimented me, new the difference in my makeup, perfume all the things that seemed so important. he was nice too. but lil did i know that everytime i was seeing him, he was seeing at least 2 others. in the beginning it broke my heart, then i didnt care just as long as i could have him(blushing). and eventually i grew to fall in love with him. even though we made plans 21 times that he never showed up for or called. but when he did show up i was in heaven. it was always great fun. right before i met jim jeff went through a change. a few months before i told him that i had fallen in love with him. then he left me to be with another girl. i was crushed but i still tried. im very persistant. anyway, he was finally all about me, and it seemed like we could really be together. then i met jim......

one day at work.. i saw a hot guy in a 2001 dark blue celica and he was fine!!!!! i was in mid conversation and he walked past me and i forgot what i was saying and just stared. i scoped around and found out who he was. everyone said he was a cocky asshole. but i was up for a challenge. the more we got to know each other,the less i saw jeff. i was falling hardcore for jim. he was so cool. we would hang out til 6am just talking. we never had to do anything or go anywhere, but we always had fun. finaly we made it official, and we were a couple.

jeff tried for awhile to get my attention back to him. seems once i wasnt worshipping the ground he walked on anymore, he finaly realized what he was missing out on. one day i came in with these hickeys, and jeff threw a fucking tantrum. he couldnt stand it. and then a few weeks later, when i was floating on cloud 9 with jim, he admitted that yes he loved me too. how are you gonna wait 3 damn years of me chasing after you, admitting love, you breaking my heart repeatedly, and wait till the one damn time i am happy, to say that yea you love me now. fuck that. and he was crushed. but i never cared. for weeks he kept trying to get back with me. but i loved jim at first sight. i know it sounds cheesy, but i did. jeff kept trying to break us apart, but it never happened

now i see him, and my dreams are full of him. what is wrong with me?

i need to go shopping, so i can get my thoughts straight. im all fucked up!!

four questions..and more

hello all hope everyone is well. today is a much better day than the last. i went shopping today to ease all my stress. i got my speakers done and my car sounds great!! then i went to walmart and spent $125 on stuff i actually needed and then spent $260 on food that should last for like 2 months. so i feel better now that i spent money. i love to spend money. its fun!! tomorrow i will go to old navy and spend more and also try and find a v-day present for my lover. something i cn give him for while hes away. the choices are limited. but whatever. ok now on to joes four questions....


1. if you could have dinner with any 1 person, who would it be?

ooo oooo i would want to have dinner with warrick on csi. god hes so hot!! mmmm. but id try not to drool on him. itd be hard.

2.if you could have dinner with any 1 dead person in the entire history, who would it be?


my mom

3. if you could ask one question of #1, what would it be?

can we please have sex in your limo now? lol

4. if you could ask one question of #2, what would it be?

it wouldnt be a question, id say goodbye bc i never got my chance before she died. and i kick myself in the ass for it everyday

i encourage others to do this too!! its nice to pass on these questions and see everyone elses lists. and its fun

ahhh yes a few days in my life

never fails to happen. just when im feeling nice and pleasant theres always something to fuck it up.always!! so this here is a bitch fest.lol that shouldve been a category in doms survey. biggest bitcher.lol. anyway....

weds..one of the hamsters has died. yes its my fault. my unintentional fault, but mine all the same. austin is very pissed at me. i forgot to check their water and i believe the one dehydrated. i told austin the truth instead of lying, which was a mistake. i told him id buy a new one and he said in whining tones"but there are no others like him" i said austin they have a whole cage like him and he started wailing. now we all know how much i hate whiny children so this was a headache for me.

yesterday i had discovered that crab #2 has dissapeared. what is with these fucking crabs. hes been gone for awhile. i say fuck it. one less chore i have to do everyday. hasnt turned up yet, but im sure when he does, hell be on his back. along with the crab, my fishtank has taken on a yellow color. not sure why, but no matter what i do, up to emptying it it stays yellow. i dont wanna take the fish out and clean it bc im scared of them dying as well. and thatd be one more thing for austin to be pissed about. first the crab gutted the frog. then he (the crab) died. then the hamster and soon to be crab #2. fucking animals

today was the longest damn day at work. i was excited to leave cuz i was to drop my car off to get new speakers put in cuz once i got my system i blew out the regular speakers.(oops)so i was to get 4 new high quality ones. i like my music loud. anyway heres how after work went..... i pulled out of my spot to leave and this hillbilly motherfucker in his hillbilly mobile didnt even look before he shot out right in front of me, squealing tires.bitch ass is lucky he didnt fucking hit me. but i cursed out the window the whole time i was behing him. fucker. then while im driving home everything was fine. i got home and hopped in the shower cuz i had to be at the radio place by 5. it was 4.so in the shower i decide to shave my legs. im in mid shave, when i decide to look up for some reason and there is a big ass fucking spider. i hate spiders alot. i screamed, cut myself and then cursed at it. like it cared. anyway, so while im bleeding, i get out and austins saying something or other and we get ready to leave. i call my aunt to see if she can still give me a ride. shes not there. go figure. so then im all pissy. i go get gas and jims dad calls me bitching about something. so i blah blahed my way through it. then finally auntie comes and we go to the place to drop off my car. so i get in the car with auntie and listened to her bitch the whole ride to this pizza place. then i figure shell shutup cuz were gonna eat. then austin started acting up. some im like completely crazed when who should show up at the pizza place. now some of my new readers wont be able to follow along. but my ex..jeff. the one who had part in the drama with the sister. i was like no fucking way. so i was trying to shut austin up and distract him bc he loves jeff. and if he were to see him, hed call jeff over. well then his cousin jimmy walks in. he looked at me but said nothing, so i was like ok cool. well then austin started bitching and my aunt started bitching at him so i bitched at her. noone bitches at my child but me dammit!! anyway, then jimmys like whats up vanessa. and i was screaming fuck fuck fuck in my head. so i figured what the fuck. i call him over and my aunts like oooo this is jeff. i could have slapped her. bitch. anyway, i reamed him out for being part of the drama. and then confronted him about not liking me. and of course my aunts throwing in her two sense which noone asked for. god i cant stand her. anyway, so finally our food comes and he goes to his table. and i was so irritated i just wanted to go home. so austin has another fit, and then jimmy starts talking to me, so jeff does too and all i wanted to do was leave. so finally we leave and i run past jeff with a goodbye over my shoulder and my maniac aunt drove us to my grandmas. now she drives like shes drunk all the time. so im like chewing off my finger in fear. anyway finally we get home after 3 close calls. and then i gotta deal with gramma. so an hour or so goes by and im like rippin out my hair. my cell starts ringing. its dude from the stereo place. they didnt even start my car. if i wanted it done today it probably wouldnt be done till 9. i was like dude im at my grammas house. so he said i could bring it in tomorrow at 10am and hed hook be up for being patient. so i said cool. less money i gotta spend. but i really did want my speakers done. anyway, so auntie had to drive me back, and shes bitching the whole damn time. about how it incovenienced her. bithc dont have a job. she aint got no money what else does she have to do. plus i bought her dinner. anyway, and shes whinig bout not having money for ciggies and liquor(shes an alchie)blah blah blah. i knew she was gonna sk me for money. sure enough she did. i told her no. now before you think im cold lemme explain some things to you. in 4 days here, she drank over $80 worth of my liquor. tons of food stole my perfume, all kinds of shit. im pissed. i had a 2 liter of jose, a fifth of amaretto. and 2 bottles of different flavored pucker. let alone she drank all the beer and zimas. without asking or replacing them. i paid with my money for that shit. so hell with her. anyway, she was pissed and peeled out. i dont care. less drama i gotta deal with.

sigh.. and now my jim is in a field somewhere in the middle of mississippi with no cell signal so i cant talk to him till sunday

my head hurts

ahhhhhh...phone sex

ahhhh phone sex is a wonderous thing when you are split apart from your lover and horny!! thats right, i did it. and im not ashamed.lol

yesterday jim asked me what my wildest fantasy was. i was kinda shy about telling him,bc i thought it just sounded wrong. i didnt want him to think i was crazy. but then i must have forgot jim is as wild as i am. but still i couldnt tell him. so i text mesaaged him. thats right i put my most forbidden fantasy through text mail. and weve been talking about it ever since. i was getting so horned up i thought i was gonna explode. but then it went away.

till today.. he sent me a text telling me to tell him in detail what i wanted. now my fantasy is kinda about what i want but mostly what he feels like doing. i cant really say much without telling you what it is. and im too shy. even though ill never see you guys..im scared of the comments. so anyway, we kept talking and talking and finally i was like fuck it. im gonna play. so we texted back and forth. and i made him so hot that he had to leave his class and "go to the bathroom".lol if he ever knew i told anyone that hed be pissed. anyway, we texted back and forth and then ended on the phone together. it was hot!! so hot. i cant wait till he gets home.

i got my smut catalog today and theyve got lots of cool stuff. i found a waterproof vibrator with a suction cup, and "the french kisser" so excited. i love toys! i love sex! i love jim!!

hope everyone is well

the music thing

ok, ive been stuck, so heres the thing.(thanks alot rachel!!lol j/k)


what is the total amount of music files on you comp?

ummm..none cuz im not comp smart. jim is,so i dont know how to do it without him. plus if i wanna hear music ill play it on the stereo. better sound


the last cd you bought is.....

kelly clarkson,the dixie chicks, freaky friday soundtrack(which really kicks ass),and jayz/linkin park(also kicks ass)

write down 5 songs you listen to often or that mean alot to you...

now this is tough cuz i love music. hmmmm...ok

1. you got it bad by usher. this is mine and jims song. we are cheesy and sing it to each other. now i listen to it alone. and cry. im pathetic i know

2. brown eyed girl. i think its by morrisey or van morrisey. i dunno who its by.but it was my moms favorite song. she loved it cuz she had brown eyes. shed get all bright eyed when she sang it. it was cute

3. lala by ashlee simpson. its me and my sissys fave song. we like it to scream it really loud. i think it implies dirty things though.lol but its fun. when i miss her i listen to it.

4. angel of mine by monica. its a beautiful song and it makes me think of my son. it came out around when he was born, and i just thought what a great loving song.

5. unchained melody by the righteous bros. it is THE most romantic song ever. its also very beautiful. it will be the song for the first husband and wife dance at my wedding reception.

who are you going to stick it to next and why?

ok my sexually frustrated body takes this as a dirty question. so thats how im gonna answer it. seeing as there are no penises here,im gonna have to say, im gonna stick it to myself w/ a toy.lol

who are you gonna pass this stick to? 3 people and why?

ok, im gonna pass it to boabahn smith, the queen and k. cause they are my chickies!!lol

the army is a funny thing.....

green for the army.....


well everybody, thanks very much for your prayers, and comments of comfort. you know this blog world is an interesting place. ive never actually seen any of you, but i feel like we are just the closest of friends. like a great big circle of us. and its really a cool feeling to know that when im stressed or sad or whatever y'all are here for me. so thanks to my new friends(in no certain order):

ms.cedia
ms.k
ms.zozo
mr.justanothernickname
mr.underhill(when you randomly pop up)
ms.rachel
mr.joe cool
mrs.(?)boabahn smith
mr.nice guy
THE queen
mr.pep
and last but not least mrs.val

you all are great!!

ok, on to the f-in army. i watched cnn all day sunday to see if i could be so lucky as to hear.."blah blah blah and so all the troops will be returning home" i talked to jims mom to find out what everything i had heard meant and she basically said "you can think hes coming home if you want, but hes not. he may come home sooner, but hes definitely going,vanessa". later that night i went to cnn.com and that chick with the weird name..i believe its condeleeza rice, said that troops will be there for years to come. dammit all to hell. i dont want jim to go. i dont i dont i dont. i heard on the radio today, a local guy(i think hes from pa) was killed in iraq today 11 days before his time there was over. last week a helicopter went down killing like 30 of them i believe. i just cant take the thought of him going there. everything i hear about it is bad. everywhere i turn, whether it be tv, newspaper, magazine, radio whatever is always reporting dead troops. i dont want him to go. god im a big mess....

enough about that, i know you guys are thinking i should be proud not sad. just like jim says, but im sorry im feeling selfish. i am proud of my hot army man,but I WANT HIM HERE!!dammit, i said enough of that

ok anyway, so i talked to jim a few minutes ago.and lol he was supposed to have the day off for the first time in a month. he wanted to sleep later than 3am and just be lazy. well he should have known better. they made all the men have mandatory fun. how do you have mandatory fun? how do you force fun on people? is it still fun then?lol the answer is no. the bus took them to some mall, i think the name was turtle creek. where all the army men are wondering around a mall the size of a shopping center in their bdus(uniforms)lol. how funny would it be to see like 100 army guys just wondering aimlessly around?looking bored and irritated? so my dream of coming home and talking all night long tonight was quickly killed by mandatory fun. figures

hope all is well for you guys.